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Thread: Marriage commitment after SCI

  1. #11
    Each marriage will survive on it's own merit. If you truly love the other then I believe you will become stronger.It sure is a test. Love is about forgetting self and living for someone else.
    I think people try to make you jealous by trying to make you think your missing something. By sticking it through you become a better person than many.I admire and totally respect anyone regardless of gender for sticking with their spouse throughout their trials,and in the end it is one with each other they become. Just an observation from the outside..The real "Survivors"

  2. #12
    Senior Member Belle's Avatar
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    We were engaged for two weeks at the time of the accident. I get lots and lots of comments about how heroic I am (???) but nobody has come right out and said I shouldn't or wouldn't stay. We had a committment ceremony in the hospital ICU (we actually bought a marriage license, but our religious counselor suggested we wait).

    I think even some of the people who say they would'nt be able to stay with a disabled partner would. It's a fear of the unknown...once you go through it and understand what you are in for better, it is not so scary and not so hard to deal with. A strong family and extended network (like a church family) helps too. Heck, you could always say, we're the 1%!!!

    *************
    AB wife of T8 complete para

  3. #13
    I don't agree with this either. Every marriage takes comittment and work from each other to make it. As long as they love each other and stay strong they will be able to get through it and that is what any marriage takes. With any tragedy that may happen to someone's spouse it helps a great deal to have support and encouragement from family and friends. I speak from experience because my boyfriend has been injured for two years and we were together before his accident and now 2 years later I love him just the same and were looking forward to getting married in the near future. I am very confident our marriage will work.

  4. #14
    I truly believe that strong before = strong after.

    If you had problems SCI will make them worse.

    If you don't let your partner in post injury you are also asking for trouble
    C5/6 incomplete

    "I assume you all have guns and crack....."

  5. #15
    Senior Member Jeff B's Avatar
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    Loving each other before and after SCI can make sure that you stay together but despite that love there can still be a lot of pain and feelings of loss. For young couples that were living very active lives together pre SCI the limitations that it puts on their relationship and lives can make it tough to stay happy together. This is accentuated when siblings and friends the same age are easily going on with their regular lives around you and you can see what you would be doing (babies, travel, vacations, spontaneity, freedom) if not burdened with paralysis. Love keeps you together but it doesn't prevent you from feeling that the lives you wanted and were planning have been ripped away.

  6. #16

    Just be patient

    with your daughter in-law. It will be hard for her at times (IMO). I can remember getting angry and sad with little things, like seeing a man and a woman walking together holding hands. Then seeing an elderly couple, on vacation playing golf together. Their dreams will be different and they will both go through periods of sadness and anger - they need to look forward to the new opportunities ahead of them - and they will find their way! I suggest they work together on a therapy - cure - health plan and become a team with lots of hope. There is so much hope right now - tell her to come to CC to learn about everything there is to know!

    Good luck to them.

  7. #17
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    Very strange numbers. Are there stats on marriages that occur after SCI? Like when an AB marries a SCI say 1-2 year after SCI?

  8. #18
    Senior Member Tim C.'s Avatar
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    JEFF B; you got it right, NURSE; just the politically correct..

    ...response we expect from you.
    Personally, I see the marriage v sci thing a bit more rational. Let's face it, those who claim their marriage is just as 'complete', or 'strong marriage before = strong marriage post' are just not being real. I believe sci can unravel even the strongest of marriages if the grim reaper of sci decides to come calling at the times in your lives as JEFF B refers to. In fact, I think that it's up to the sci spouse to offer the AB spouse a painless out if the situation calls for it. The AB spouse does not want the stigma of being the heartless, abandoning one, and the sci spouse should be sensitive to this.
    Conversely, if the sci occurs during a sedentary period of the marriage, or if the partners tend to be rather sedentary themselves, then maybe even a weak marriage can last.
    I just don't think the creators of the "for better or worse" had the possibility of sci in mind, it's just too devastating to the AB spouse if the sci level is too burdening. We sci just have to suck it up and realize what havoc we create by just living. We should not begrudge the AB if the AB begins to disengage themself from the new and complicated lifestyle. Afterall, we want the best for each other, so why ruin two lives. Again, I speak of the more difficult sci's. I do believe there are some sci levels that do not suck the life out of the marriage, but everyone has different tolerances for dealing with adversity anyway so no single rule applies for all.

    Just my two cents, I offer no apologies, just a reality check.

  9. #19
    Senior Member mk99's Avatar
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    Being an independent T4 para (5 years post injury), I find it somewhat surprising but the things that strained the marriage before injury are the same things that strain it now. The SCI actually has very little to do with it. It took a while but I guess it's come full circle.

    And if there is ever a divorce, we can both honestly agree that my SCI will not even be on the top 3 reasons why my wife & I split up. (which hopefully will not happen)
    "Oh yeah life goes on
    Long after the thrill of livin is gone"

    John Cougar Mellencamp

  10. #20
    Tim C, Mike - agreed on all points.

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