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Thread: My family SUCKS!!!

  1. #11
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2001
    Location
    New Zealand
    Posts
    181
    I learnt who my 'real' friends were quickly. When in hospital I had many visitors but then I was off to rehab/home, they soon realised that recovery isn't instant! so no more visits - some think they're experts (telling you about your pain and function) & think they know everything about sci, but are no where near to having an understanding of daily life of a quad. I have one true friend who visits weekly and volunteers to take me shopping .
    My family are really good, offering to help, taking me to dr's appts although some live in their own world, complaining about not being as young and getting out & about like they use too, but hey they can toilet, eat and walk normally!

  2. #12
    My parents pretend it never happened. And have done that for 36 years. They never offered any help or comfort. Now they are old and expect me to help them. And gets angry when I tell them I can't.

    I was 16 years old and I was in the rehab for 6 month. They visited me twice. When I came home, they did not fix anything for me. The result is that I did not get any help from the insurence at all. They did not send me to the doctor after, no controlls at all. If I asked for help, my mother told me it was bullshit and I could do it alone.

    Do I have to say we do not have a good relationship?

    TH 12 incomplete 12-12-69.

  3. #13
    Sorry, my family is not much help either. It sucks. I just let my father mainly talk about what "they're" doing when I chat on the phone anymore with them. He has no idea how to have a conversation of value with me. My mother died when I was 19. My Aunt is supportive and visits, but I really hate going "home" to visit anymore. Your not alone Tinamarie. Growing up, I had a wonderful childhood, etc. With the passing of my mother, things changed forever. My sci happened 3yrs later. Keep the faith.

    "I guess pain is a great motivator."- Yanni
    Eine Welf, Ein Volk


  4. #14
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Jun 2002
    Location
    CA, USA
    Posts
    129
    Every day I start to think of all the friends who dissappeared. My sister who calls me once every month or so to talk excitedly about how great everything in her life is and then goodby, never once in two and a half years 'how are you doing''. My daughter who encouraged us to move to her town so we could be close. I guess I thought that meant so she could help me care for my son who is c4-5. Was I wrong. Now I'm the free babysitter along with caregiver.

    See how easy the hurts starts to roll out. I stop myself from this thought pattern as quickly as possible because I want to create peace in my own heart. I let the tears flow but I move over to loving thoughts because bitterness is waiting just around the corner to take hold of me and I don't want to choose to allow it. Years ago I stood in the bookstore reading a book that I have always wished that I bought because the phylosophy it taught is a cornerstone to my thoughtlife. It said something like - If you've given all you have and no one gives anything in return, give somemore. I don't know why but that one thought helps me endure.

    Also I do this work because I choose to be a decent human being and mother. Not because of reward or acknowledgement. I remind myself of that everyday I am alone with no one who responds including the one I care for who speaks to me in as few words as he can. I have to have deeper resources than the response of others. Sometimes I think that most people are so unconsious, but who can blame them, it is very painful to be awake.

    Darthe

    Music, to create harmony, must investigate discord. Plutarch

  5. #15
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2003
    Location
    Covington, Georgia
    Posts
    399
    Well, unfortunately it looks like I'm not alone. Huuuuugsss and warm wishes to all of you!! I'm sorry that we all have to go through this. We're having to deal with enough just with the SCI. We shouldn't have to deal with family issues like this!! Thank you to everyone who shared and made me see my family isn't the only one screwed up and that, in fact, I am still a little better off than some! Hopefully, someday, something will change, but I'm not going to hold my breath.

    C5-C7 Walking Quad

  6. #16
    Guest
    Originally posted by dhues:

    Every day I start to think of all the friends who dissappeared. My sister who calls me once every month or so to talk excitedly about how great everything in her life is and then goodby, never once in two and a half years 'how are you doing''. My daughter who encouraged us to move to her town so we could be close. I guess I thought that meant so she could help me care for my son who is c4-5. Was I wrong. Now I'm the free babysitter along with caregiver.

    See how easy the hurts starts to roll out. I stop myself from this thought pattern as quickly as possible because I want to create peace in my own heart. I let the tears flow but I move over to loving thoughts because bitterness is waiting just around the corner to take hold of me and I don't want to choose to allow it. Years ago I stood in the bookstore reading a book that I have always wished that I bought because the phylosophy it taught is a cornerstone to my thoughtlife. It said something like - If you've given all you have and no one gives anything in return, give somemore. I don't know why but that one thought helps me endure.

    Also I do this work because I choose to be a decent human being and mother. Not because of reward or acknowledgement. I remind myself of that everyday I am alone with no one who responds including the one I care for who speaks to me in as few words as he can. I have to have deeper resources than the response of others. Sometimes I think that most people are so unconsious, but who can blame them, it is very painful to be awake.

    Darthe

    Music, to create harmony, must investigate discord. Plutarch
    Darthe,

    While your post is heartwrenching, I think this is one of the most beautiful, eloquent, moving things I have ever read. Your gentle soul is an inspiration to me. I know your intent is not to inspire, you are just being who you are, which makes you that much more of an inspiration. Take care and thank you for being you, Carol

  7. #17
    I wanted to add. Please keep in my mind I still respect my father and value him greatly and my family. I speak to him often, but I'm not sure things will ever change. SCI has heightened my perceptions, views, values, etc and unfortunately, some people will never change when it comes to people with disabilities. Sometimes I think challenges bring out (in the end), the best in all of us. May your family grow in understanding with your presence, Tinamarie.

    "I guess pain is a great motivator."- Yanni
    Eine Welf, Ein Volk


  8. #18
    Darthe, I totally agree with Carol. That was an incredible post. You put into words much of what I think and made it clear to me. Thank you.

  9. #19
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2003
    Location
    Covington, Georgia
    Posts
    399
    After posting this thread I cried to my counsellor about my friends and family. He made me see things a little differently, as always. I have realized that my friends and family do care-just in their own way. It did still bother me that they knew so little about what was going on with me, so I sent them all an email on stats of spinal cord injuries. Only 2 friends answered back asking questions about my injury, but 2 is better than none I guess. One of those 2 still calls me a para,even though I did explain that I'm technically a quad, but oh well, at least she asked questions.

    Only one of my friends visited me the whole time I was in the hospital. I didn't start spending any real time with my friends again until just a few months ago. I have finally started sitting my friends down and explaining to them exactly how bad I was at the beginning. None of them realized I was completely paralyzed from the shoulders down. Once I made them realize it, they began asking more questions and basically I gave them a crash course on spinal cord injuries.

    Last night I sent an email to everyone in my address book asking them to call the White House on Tuesday about stem cell research. I really did not expect anyone to pay attention to my email. Now, most of the people in my address book are people I have met in chat rooms on AOL. I have been a "regular" in a couple chat rooms going on 5 years now. I have never met any of these people in person nor talked to them on the phone. The extent of our relationship is chatting in the chatroom. When I checked my email this morning, I already had 10 replies from these chatroom friends telling me that they would make the call on my behalf. (I sent the email to over 50 people, but am shocked to have even 10 replies!!) A couple told me that they had sent my message to all of THEIR friends asking them to call for me too.

    I guess the mistake was mine in just assuming no one cared. If I had reached out to everyone to begin with, instead of just waiting for them to ask, I would have realized that they do care. I guess we all show that we care in different ways. My way is to research as much as possibe and help as much as I can. Not everyone is like me. My friends have shown me now that they DO care. Even these people I call friends that I wouldn't know if they passed me on the street.

    I guess from now on, when I need help or support, I will be the one to reach out. I'm not going to sit back and wait for someone to offer it. They won't know I need it unless I ask for it!

    C5-C7 Walking Quad

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