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Thread: mothers of SCIed

  1. #1
    Senior Member amanda's Avatar
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    mothers of SCIed

    I have the hardest time telling my mom that I can do things for myself. She tries to do waaayyyy to much for me, things I am fully capable of doing for myself. I know she's my mom and would probably be trying to do things for me if I were stil an AB. But, it's almost as if since there was a time when I wasn't able to do simple things for myself, that I feel like I have to prove to nobody other than myself that I am fully capable. So, here is my quesion....how do I say "STOP!!I CAN DO IT!!!!" Without sounding so mean? Do y'all get the same reaction from your children? Should I let be and get over it? My mom and I are close. We're friends along with mother and daughter. I can talk to her, and I have tried. She simply answers " I don't care, I'm still your momma!" aaaaarrrgghh... help!

    When you get to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on.
    Franklin D. Roosevelt

  2. #2
    Amanda do you still live at home with your mom? It is very hard for moms to see you as an adult when you both live and home and have a disability. Have you considered/can you move out into a place of your own?

    I would recommend having a sit-down with your mom. Come prepared with a list of things she tends to do for you that you want to do only for yourself. Also come with a list of those things it is "OK" for her to help you with. She wants to know she is still needed in your life, so be sure there are some things on the second list. Agree on a "signal" word that tells her she is going past your boundries.

    If you need help with this, you might consider some brief family counseling to help you two work this out (try a good clinical social worker) so that you are not bickering over it constantly. Keep us informed!

    (KLD)

  3. #3
    I've been in your mom's position, and eventually I had to just learn to bite back my urges to be "helpful" and just let my son do things for himself. He's fiercly independent, and will not accept help if he needs it, much of the time. Even if it takes him two hours to do what would take me two minutes, he wants to do it himself. And I had to learn to let him. But it just takes time.

  4. #4
    Senior Member teesieme's Avatar
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    Hi Amanda. Your profile says 22 and an injury just over a year old. From your posts, I read a very strong, independent young woman (as the matter of fact, I showed your pic to the kid here... ) anyhow, yep, this mom says it won't matter when he is sixty and I am eighty, he will still be my baby...Ohhhh, how it has been a round and a round deal at times, but we did exactly what nurse has suggested, a code word, his is MOTHER... as a signal to me to back off! (which I actually love because it is the spunk and fire coming through as he normally calls me Mom or even Ma when he wants me to buy him something, LOL.)
    You write that your mom and you have a friendship besides a good mother/daughter relationship, and it is the same with my son and I. I didn't raise him to be a mama's boy and he is far from that, but in truth sweetie, eighteen years of trying to prepare him for the world, changed when he was hurt and that includes my preparing myself for when the time came for him to leave the nest...I was ready for the most part, so was he. Then his accident and all that has been since, well, it is like trying to learn to let go again in such a short amount of time??? Does this make sense?
    As for trying to help you too much, well, telling someone, "stop, I can do it" isn't so bad, it is the way one says it that is the difference.
    It does take time and it is something you two will figure out...perhaps you could try what my kid did with me, he reversed it, asking me to do Everything he could think of, like getting him a glass of water only two feet away from him, whereas I happened to be 12 feet away...what a smart *ss eh? Yep, that's my kid!

  5. #5
    Senior Member amanda's Avatar
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    Nurse-
    I do not live with my mom. I live bymyself. She and I don't even live in the same town. She says that is a main reason she wants to do so much for me. Because she is not here 24/7 to do things for me, and I should let her when she is. I just think she doesn't realize what I can do. Which doesn't make any logical sense. I live alone, there is no magic fairy following me around doing things for me. So, obviously she knows I can do it! Tess- Like you said, I'm always gonna be her baby. I came to realize this long before my SCI. I guess with having the ability to do such simple things being yanked out of reach for a period of time, and maybe even the hope of doing those things again in the far distance, has made me a little protective of those "privlidges". Because I am able to do things, I don't ever want to let go of that maybe? Am I making any sense now?

    Anyhow, maybe a code word is good idea. Or MAYBE, just maybe, I can suck it up and let her be mom.

    When you get to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on.
    Franklin D. Roosevelt

  6. #6
    Senior Member teesieme's Avatar
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    [QUOTE]Originally posted by Amanda:

    Tess- Like you said, I'm always gonna be her baby.

    Damn eh Amanda? LOL.

    Anyhow, maybe a code word is good idea. Or MAYBE, just maybe, I can suck it up and let her be mom.

    (Yep, I have a true mother and a step mother, and even a mother-in-law, I have had three strikes... )

  7. #7
    Senior Member Annabanana's Avatar
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    Amanda, I dunno what it is with mums, but my mum friggin drives me up the wall at times with her thinking that I am a hopeless crip. And I'm 9 years post and 33 yrs old, living on my own!! lol It doesnt get better, believe me, learn to take deep breathes.

  8. #8
    Hi, all - My name is Jackie, and I'm an 'SCI mom', lol. Matt and I have butted heads on the issue a lot over the past 6 years since he's been injured. I think I finally have learned to back off, and let him do things himself, and we've had some good talks about it, both about me wanting to do things, and his wanting his independence. Reached a compromise, and set rules - so far, they're working!

    The main rule is that he doesn't ask for help unless he needs it, and I don't jump in til he asks. The only exception is if we're on a schedule and I see we're getting behind for an appointment or something, then I step in for expediences' sake, and am sure I tell him that - 'because we're in a hurry right now'.

    Otherwise, I've stepped back and allowed him to achieve what he can, and make his own mistakes without butting in, unless (again, the exception is if I see him doing something that will affect him medically - because then it not only involves him, but the whole family).

    My biggest lesson learned - I've learned to treat him as an adult, and to respect his abilities and decisions, and he's learned to accept the advice I do give in a better way, instead of resisting it 'just 'cause mom said it'!

    KLD - I would love nothing better than to see my son move out on his own and become totally independent. I don't think it will ever happen, tho - everyone's circumstances are different, and it's just impossible for some folks to do that.

    _____________
    If we have no peace, it is because we have forgotten that we belong to each other. - Mother Teresa

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