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Thread: bloody hell

  1. #1

    bloody hell

    My anguish is inconsolable. Yes, a bottle of wine has been consumed to try to numb the pain of one of the worst days since my injury. David needs me and I cannot give him the comfort and aid that he needs. You cannot imagine how hard it is to know that a man like him is laid so low by a bullet to the head. And worse, that he sits forgotten and diminished.

    I was summoned to the group home where he's been placed in order to save him from being shot by the po po for noncompliance with the group home. One of the other residents has been tormenting the big blind guy. He became delusional beyond his meds. He was in pain and scared and they made it worse. They got him riled and confused and then they were afraid to go in his room. So they were thinking about going into a tiny space with a 5th degree black belt and trying to drag him out. How stooopid can men in authority be? Their best plan was to taze him. Idiots.

    I went over and talked him out and held his hand while they restrained him (he complied because he loves and trusts me still) and then he was hauled away to yet another hospital.

    Some days I think I could survive this mess if “my David” had survived and could share this with me. But he didn’t and I have failed as his caretaker. I am broken physically, mentally and spiritually. There’s not a thing left in me tonight and I worry how I’ll rally enough to face tomorrow. Of course, I will because I always do. But in this moment, I am alone, lost and uncomforted. How the hell did we end up here?

    You can’t unshoot us. The life we had is gone and no amount of making lemonade from these lemons will ever EVER make it right.
    How do I face another day of this? How do I make it worthwhile to get out of bed and conquer the challenges of pain and barriers and prejudice and sheer loneliness?

    So, I'll take a page from my friend Leif and leave you with this video. I will not return to this thread and I do not want your words. G'nite. My hangover should be pretty damned hellacious.

    My blog: Living Life at Butt Level

    Ignite Phoenix #9 - Wheelchairs and Wisdom: Living Life at Butt Level

    "I will not die an unlived life. I will not live in fear of falling or catching fire. I choose to inhabit my days, to allow my living to open me, to make me less afraid, more accessible, to loosen my heart until it becomes a wing, a torch, a promise. I choose to risk my significance; to live so that which comes to me as seed goes to the next as blossom and that which comes to me as blossom, goes on as fruit."

    Dawna Markova Author of Open Mind.

  2. #2
    Senior Member Obieone's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2001
    I know what you said ..... but ... you never failed anybody Jen .. please know that !!

    ~ Be the change you wish to see in the world ~ Mahatma Gandi

    " calling all Angels ...... calling all Angels ....walk me through this one .. don't leave me alone .... calling all Angels .... calling all Angels .... we're tryin' and we're hopin' cause we're not sure how ....... this .... goes ..."
    Jane Siberry

  3. #3

    If you want to chat I am around

  4. #4
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2007
    last house on the left
    Jen, I know you said you wouldn't return to this thread, but in the chance that you might I just want to tell you how very sorry I am, and how much I wish you were close enough to give a hug.

  5. #5
    Jen, my prayers are with you & your loved ones both here & gone.

  6. #6
    The only thing you failed at is deflecting bullets. We want to be Wonder Woman. They just forgot to issue us the magic bracelets.

  7. #7
    You have not failed. From the little I know, you have done far more than your fair share. There are limits to everyone's capabilities - like Betheny implied, we can be no more than human.
    But you can nevertheless do wonders. You may very well have saved a life just then, using David's love for you.
    You are not alone. Close your eyes, and we are with you.
    - Richard

  8. #8
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2006
    Oh Jen, like Obie said, just in case you do come back,

    You haven;t failed him. You were there for him tonite. And I think I may have said it before. "Your David" understands.
    T7-8 since Feb 2005

  9. #9
    I don't know your story, JenJen, but I am thinking of you and sending you strength.

  10. #10
    I can also feel in my own heart the same kind of emotional feeling you are experiencing. For you see, I was shot down in the prime of my life. I know what it's like to have everything and then to lose it all.

    The test of success is not what you do when you are on top. Success is how high you bounce when you hit the bottom
    --General George Patton

    Complex problems need to be solved collectively.
    ––Paul Nussbaum

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