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Thread: A Sick Feeling

  1. #1

    A Sick Feeling

    I was just sitting here, deep in thought, when I looked out my window and watched as a girl ran down some apartment stairs. It felt like a moment of fascination at how effortlessly she bounded down them. And then it hit me. I had this sudden realization that I have forgotten what it feels like to walk. For the longest time, I tried desperately to hang onto whatever memories I could. It was as if I'd play home movies over and over again in my head, almost obsessively so that they wouldn't fade. And now I'm grasping at them. I'm pushing myself to remember what my toes felt like after playing all day in the snow. I can tell myself what it felt like when my toes began to thaw, but I can't actually picture the sensation anymore. I can't really explain how profoundly sad I am at this moment, but I feel so heavy with grief. I keep telling myself that THIS is my life and it's pointless to "what if" it to death, but, my god, life would have been so different if I was able bodied.

  2. #2

    my heart aches

    I am sorry for your grief and pain!!! I am not living in your shoes, but I do get that sick feeling often with all the what if's..hoping that will stop in time. I do often wonder if my son has such thoughts and memories..........( can't go there often or it will snuff out the light.
    Celebrate the light within, as that is the real truth for us all..........!!!
    peace be with you

  3. #3
    Been there. I have the majority of my grad school classes in an athletic building w/ lots of very active peers around. Some days are rough but I try to keep my mind elsewhere.

    I haven't forgotten the feelings though... and I'm 11+ yrs post.

    Life goes on. Hang in there.

  4. #4
    Hi Kiran,
    We all have flash backs and and other tormenting thoughts from time to time. For a few years after my injury, periodically I had terrible, haunting dreams. Something would be happening in my dream like I would be crossing the street and a car would be speeding toward me. I would suddenly be frozen, not able to lift a leg. Then before the car or whatever crashed into me, I would awaken, terribly afraid. I suppose it was a form of PTSB. Now I am never an actor in my dreams, only an observer, as if I were watching a movie. It leaves me with a strange feeling, as if I am no longer a part of the world.

    The "what if" game can be useful if we direct it toward the future and make choices. It is torture when focused on the past because it cannot be influenced no matter what. Yes, life without the injury would have been different, be we will never know if the difference would have been better or worse. Yes, there are worse things than sci. I have seen many of them. And your life has not yet played out. You have a long way to go. I have accomplished many things that I never imagined possible. Good things happen just as unpredictably as bad. Just hang in there as best you can and see how this adventure called life plays out. Just remember, you are not alone on this journey.
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  5. #5
    Senior Member lynnifer's Avatar
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    Aug 2002
    Windsor ON Canada
    Mirrored thoughts as of late. And I just keep returning to them with shorter distances between these disparaging thoughts.

    On our way to Niagara Falls today, my sister was describing getting an IUD removed, a biopsy, PAP smear (sheesh!) and it saddened me that I had nothing to relate any of that to ... such a stupid thing as it was very painful for her ... but I still can't, nor will I ever, be able to relate.

    Can't shake this sadness lately.
    Roses are red. Tacos are enjoyable. Don't blame immigrants, because you're unemployable.

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  6. #6
    Moderator jody's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2004
    east o the southern warren
    been there.
    a friend had knee's replaced. she is a little person with tendon problems. she had never had an easy time walking, and it got to be very painful. she was knock knee'd, and it was beginning to affect her back as well. eight months after her surgerys, I watched her walk away almost running. How beautiful. how strait her legs were, how little effort it took. she was 48, and I was struck by what a wonderful gift those painful surgery's turned out to be. It was not envy. it really was very beautiful that she was walking around like almost everyone else.

  7. #7
    Senior Member Imight's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2007
    The worse is waking up after dreaming of walking and how effortless it is. Sometimes the dreams are so real I sit up, grab my crutches and realize it's a lot harder than it used to be. =(

  8. #8
    Senior Member mr_coffee's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2005
    San Francisco, CA
    Sorry to hear, its amazing how long some things take to sink in.

    I can still remember myself hopping up 5 flights of stairs one foot at a time after I sprinted home from the gym. My legs were killing me and when I saw the flights of stairs I had to go up I was actually excited (I was a freak back then).

    So rather than running up them I would put all my weight on 1 foot and jump up each stair then switch to the next foot and do the same. It was a such an awesome feeling and I was already on a runners high so its something still stuck in my head that I hope I don't forget.

    Hope things look up for you
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  9. #9
    Moderator jody's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2004
    east o the southern warren
    I have those dreams too sci55, but now I am able to fly for some reason. it is very strange, because as soon as I fly, I say oh, Ok I'm dreaming, and that wakes me up. I hate that, because I want to fly around a little longer dammit. I am really missing riding horses. I can't claim to really know how you all are feeling because I can walk, though with a lot of pain and effort, some bracing and something like a wall or cane or if I want some speed a swing gait with crutches. the crutches have ruined my shoulders though. its not pretty to look at. I hate accidently seeing my reflection in the glass store fronts and realising what others are seeing. how about the weird looks. and the looks are not different if I am in a chair. some people gawk. don't they realise that. I got caught gawking at somone walking. it was one of those moments of that kiran describes.
    the only what if is about my choosing to marry the man who wrecked my car for spite. I my have been injured some other way, but what if I had followed my gut and shrugged off love. would I still be walking? riding horses? as it is I was injured because I rode a bike home from work after my car was done in by my spiteful ex. then he resented me for not getting better. He did not want a gimpy wife. I am very grateful to not be married to him anymore. what if I had said no just one more time when he wanted to date? I try to not think about it often. it does me not a bit of good. mostly hope some cure comes. I hope I don't get worse when I get surgery to fix my neck and my shoulder. I hope no mistakes are made to make it worse.
    Last edited by jody; 03-09-2010 at 04:01 PM.

  10. #10
    I have been dealing with that feeling a lot recently due to the cold weather, I have been waiting in the van while my husband runs into the store because the cold weather makes my nerve pain worse. I'm 42, injured at 16, c5/6 25 years post but definitely feel so much older. I catch myself watching people who are probably at least 70 years old just hopping out of their car so easily. Our 79 year old neighbor still does all his own yardwork and his wife is 74 and stays very active too. I have severe nerve pain and can't imagine living to be anywhere near that age with the way I feel now.

    I have never asked my SCI Dr.'s what my life expectancy could be being a quad injured at 16, but I recently asked my dad what my Physiatrist thought it would be when he testified when my case went to court in 1988. He said I could easily live to be the "ripe old age of 65", I seriously can't imagine living that long but I guess it could be a reality based on other long time quads here.

    If I didn't have to deal with this nerve pain I think my outlook would be much different. I had very little pain the first 15 years and my outlook was great, did a lot of traveling. Now I wake up in pain and just try to make it through the day. And I feel like I have been hibernating the last 5 months due to this extremely cold winter, it has made the winter blues worse.

    I love the beach, traveled to Hawaii and Australia a few times but know I couldn't deal with the long flight days now with this nerve pain and sensitive skin. And sitting back in pain and watching people walk along the beach would not be easy now, it didn't bother me back then.

    I suggest you do all the traveling you can early on, you never know when nerve pain or an injury might hit you.

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