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Thread: Must be that time of year .....again....

  1. #1
    Senior Member medic1's Avatar
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    Must be that time of year .....again....

    I realize that I am coming up on my 7 year anniversary. Looking back over everything is difficult. I was 23, had my entire life ahead of me, then, it was all gone. So many can relate. Everything happened so fast, and my life became a bad country song. Lost my job, my house, my relationship, my dog....etc. etc. I have thought in the last few years I had come to some sort of peace in my life, but the last couple days I have thought very different. My mind is constantly playing the what if's over and over, the why me, why then, etc.

    I am tierd of taking pills every day, and reminded every time I cath and have a bowel program of what could have been. Where would I be, what would I be doing. I am tierd of this body, this body that does not work right, does not do what I want it to do, that is in pain almost every day. My mind does not work like it use to work. The head injury gave me very little patience and a temper that I hate. The medications make me feel foggy and stupid. I have a hard time remembering things and have huge gaps of time in my life that I remember nothing about. I havent been able to work, even after going back to school and getting an associates degree. I want to be normal so very much. I hate not being spontaneous. Planning every minute of where I am, where I need to be. Conserving energy, feeling fatigued and sluggish all the time. Normal tasks can become overwhelming.

    I should be happy. I am not in a chair full time yet. I am very thankful for that. I have a husband who loves me for me, no matter what. I just feel like I let him down in so many ways, I hold him back because of my injury. Doesn't he deserve more than what I have to offer? Why should he change his life because mine changed so drastically? I feel guilty when I can't do things. When I can't be normal.

    I guess this is normal right? The rollercoaster of SCI. I feel guilty for no being strong enough to overcome this injury. To allow it to chip away at my life. But how do you stop it? Its so much of who I am now. Every decision, every thought, impacted by one moment in my life. It is so overwhelming, depressing. I don't know how so many stay so strong. I know that without a Care Cure connection, life would be unbearable.

  2. #2
    Hey, I just wrote a long reply to this.

    But I'm not going to post it. But, just know that someone read what you wrote, felt alot of sympathy, wrote a whole load of stuff, and then decided he didnt have the .....didn't feel right posting it.

    I didnt write anything bad. Basically, just gave my opinion. But opinions are.....over-rated for one.

    Anyway, I feel for you sweets.

  3. #3
    Senior Member fishin'guy's Avatar
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    I am of the same opinion as Mark here, medic1, read your post, feel all the feelings you do, yet somehow, we gotta keep going at it. I'm sorry ya feel this way, but then again i do to, sometimes.It's good to get it out, say it to someone. I feel this time of year, spring, people getting out of their carsw, working in the yard, smelling the fresh cut grass, is the hardest to grasp. I used to work in the yard, it's such a job to just get out there and do it, but I do.
    Hang in there dear, you've got a good husband. Good luck.

  4. #4
    Moderator jody's Avatar
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    I deleted too. How does one reply? sorry its sucks so bad just doesn't seem worth sending. Do you have things that you enjoy? For me, I am into music, and learning how to play different instruments. love my pets, crafts, drawing, and my computer. those don't sound like much, but keeps me from wasting away. I love to grow stuff. camping at music fests, and getting out on my trike. I have recently began volunteering at a no kill shelter. that is pretty satisfying, and I do not have to be on a schedual that demands my being dependable about what time I show up or what days. there are things you can do if you choose to. for a short time I visited folks in nursing homes, and at the senior center in my town. also once at the dayhospital for mental health, and played some of my instruments, or offered time during craft days to assist the people there in their craft activities. there actually is a lot you can do to have a satisfying existence if you want to donate a little time. I learned to crochet, and made scarves, mittens and hats for the seniors center, or donated them to the homeless that were wandering around lansdale pa one year. I had nothing left over out of 30 items that I had made over the summer and fall, and the people were glad to have them. much of the yarn was free too through the senior center or some I got at thrift stores, and from clearence at walmart for pennies. it gave me something to do. Last year I gave away ten crochet purses at the philladelphia folk fest that I had made while holed up for the nasty winter.

  5. #5
    I'm looking at five years exactly since I got ill today and so five years in a chair too. I'm not going to write a long list of the stuff I do or write cryptic messages. I can relate to your situation and have been feeling the same as you today.

  6. #6
    Senior Member Susqu's Avatar
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    If what you want to do is vent, then vent away. I doubt there's a person on the board that will say that it doesn't suck and has needed to say it out loud every once in a while.

    But while we have all gone to that well and drunk deeply of a few moments of self pity, just be aware that it is a very deep and cold well. If you fall into it you may never be able to crawl your way out.

    I don't mean to be a pollyanna or anything, but when you get done yelling and screaming and get all the frustration off your chest, take a good look around and see what things you have going for you.

  7. #7
    Moderator jody's Avatar
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    after meeting folks at this place who manage to stay positive, yet all they can actually move is their eyes, well, how could I devote so much time to mourning my losses after knowing that. I could not. I can say that I can no longer sing that cat stevens song without crying, even now. I will never be happy about having to pee through a straw or about being dependant on pain meds. not about the broken glass feeling, or the loss of dignity all in this situation suffer. there just comes a day when you just say, damn, its all going by. I needed a miracle every day. I found it in small things, and in things that were bigger than what I had suffered on that day. I hope you do find a way to have a satisfying day. If you get one, then you know you can have another. cause another. we are fragile beings. some days will be better than others. we all know this. like fishing guy says, you have to find a way to press on. care cure community has helped me a lot with that. I hope you can find some encouragement.
    truely I am better off without the husband who didn't want a gimpy wife. sounds like you are too. feel free to say how life sucks, sometimes it really does. I hope though you find some satisfaction with living soon.

  8. #8
    Every now and again, we all feel like you do right now, Medic.

    It's a natural, but sucky, continuation of the cycle of grief. It's been 33 years this year since my tumor was diagnosed, and 35 since it started messing with my life, and I still occasionally bounce around between anger, depression, and acceptance. Hopefully, your slides back into depression will do as mine have done -- become less frequent, less severe, and shorter with every year that passes.

    Anniversaries can go two ways -- they can be pity fests in which you pull the covers up over your head and wallow in the whys and what ifs. But they can also be celebrations of the things you've accomplished and the life you've managed to have in spite of it all.

    I hope you're able to return to acceptance soon, and that your next anniversary is one that lifts you up instead of dragging you down.
    It is easier to find men who will volunteer to die, than to find those who are willing to endure pain with patience.

    ~Julius Caesar


  9. #9
    Moderator jody's Avatar
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    umm, who is pollyanna?

  10. #10
    Senior Member rdf's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Susqu View Post
    If what you want to do is vent, then vent away. I doubt there's a person on the board that will say that it doesn't suck and has needed to say it out loud every once in a while.

    But while we have all gone to that well and drunk deeply of a few moments of self pity, just be aware that it is a very deep and cold well. If you fall into it you may never be able to crawl your way out.

    I don't mean to be a pollyanna or anything, but when you get done yelling and screaming and get all the frustration off your chest, take a good look around and see what things you have going for you.
    Good analogy Susqu. And the right kind of tears can add to the well water, warming it and making the well less deep. But they have to be the right kind of tears; tears that cleanse the guilt and rebuild the soul, and fall infrequently but not rarely. Soon the well water will be near to the top, just arm's length, and salty, and drinking from it isn't as inviting, nor is it any longer sought after or in the end satisfying. The well becomes not needed. It's no longer deep enough to drown in.
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