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Thread: My SO is a C4 wanting to move home

  1. #1

    My SO is a C4 wanting to move home

    I am close to terrified. His injury occured 10 months ago - he's actually my ex husband but we continued dating after the divorce and have been together the majority of the last 7 years. Sunday he decided he wants to move home and 'can't' go back to the nursing home. He's been in rehab hospital the last 4 weeks and next week will go to skilled nursing for 3 weeks before coming home. So it's rush rush to get a bathroom/shower built in the back room, a/c unit installed and new flooring. I am so afraid that this is going to be too much. I see him almost everyday for hours and hours so at least I'll be able to be home more. We will have access to about 8 hours of aides a day and his mother can help fill in the gaps while I'm working full time outside of the home. He will have an environmental control unit installed for using the phone, using the television, lights, ceiling fans, etc. What happens if we do all this and it ends up that it's too much for me to handle? I don't want to let anyone down. He's so happy knowing that he's moving in with me and I feel like it's just been something that has happened so fast (after him saying for the last several months he won't move in with me because it would be too much for me and I still have one son living at home). I want to do it. I think I can do it. Is it one of those things you just go for it and pray a lot and ask for help when you need it and do the best you can? I think I should have a heart to heart with him tonight and let him know how scared I am and that we should have a back up plan in case it's too much for either of us. I don't know....everyone tells me it's more work than I can imagine. He will be on medicaid soon and will get more hours for aides. But for now between his insurance and DARS, he can have 8 hours a day. He has a colostomy and a suprapubic catheter so his bowel program will be much easier to manage now. I love him very much and want him to be well taken care of and I think I could do that best. I'm only 45, he's 47 - this accident happened due to him being intoxicated and he was with another woman so I'm still dealing with the humiliation and resentment about that which may have something to do with my hesitancy to make a final decision. The plumber is coming tomorrow to give me an estimate on the bathroom being built. I have to make a final decision by the end of the weekend. I think my major emotion is fear right now.

  2. #2
    Quote Originally Posted by peace1965 View Post
    ...this accident happened due to him being intoxicated and he was with another woman...
    Q: if he wasn't injured would you take him back?

  3. #3
    Quote Originally Posted by Scott Pruett View Post
    Q: if he wasn't injured would you take him back?
    Yep, great question. Definitely something to think about. No offense you at all but do question if you're being used & aren't taking this on because you feel you have to.

  4. #4
    Definitely have a back up plan and talk seriously about this. When he comes home, it's going to be a whole different setting and circumstances. More than likely, eventually he will take his frustration out on those that are closet too him. I trust you are part of the caregiver forum here also.

    Great advice given above

  5. #5
    I understand being in a home is better than living in a nursing home. Medicaid also has a Medicaid Waiver program to extend hour. But I am wondering if there are other alternatives to moving back with you, his ex, to be cared for? It is great if you can handle it all but it is a very heavy burden on so many levels. Others in the Caregivers Forum may have some more advice too :-)

  6. #6
    Quote Originally Posted by peace65
    What happens if we do all this and it ends up that it's too much for me to handle? I don't want to let anyone down. <snip> He's so happy knowing that he's moving in with me and I feel like it's just been something that has happened so fast... <snip> I love him very much and want him to be well taken care of and I think I could do that best.
    Scott and quad79 hit the nail on the head -- are you doing this out of obligation/fear of disappointing him or are you doing this because he's the love of your life and you want to be with him?

    Listen to what your gut is telling you.

    BTW, there's two caregivers forums here -- one public and one private one for caregivers only. I think you'll find a lot of great advice there -- those are the people who've been there, done that, and they have much wisdom and experience to share.

    Perhaps the mods could move this thread to the public caregivers forurm.
    It is easier to find men who will volunteer to die, than to find those who are willing to endure pain with patience.

    ~Julius Caesar


  7. #7
    Thanks for your replies. There was never any hesitation on my part as far as taking care of him. There was no taking him back because were technically together when he had his accident. Our divorce was final 2 1/2 years ago and we've been seeing each other ever since and his accident was 10 months ago. I have been taking care of him, even though he's been in a nursing home - I go almost everyday from the time I get off work until he goes to sleep at night. And I've been doing that for ten months so I'm used to the schedule and know what to expect. I will check out the other caregiver forum. Thanks again!

  8. #8
    Quote Originally Posted by peace1965 View Post
    Thanks for your replies. There was never any hesitation on my part as far as taking care of him. There was no taking him back because were technically together when he had his accident. Our divorce was final 2 1/2 years ago and we've been seeing each other ever since and his accident was 10 months ago. I have been taking care of him, even though he's been in a nursing home - I go almost everyday from the time I get off work until he goes to sleep at night. And I've been doing that for ten months so I'm used to the schedule and know what to expect. I will check out the other caregiver forum. Thanks again!
    I'm a little confused here
    From the time you were born till you ride in a hearse, there is nothing so bad that it couldn't be worse!

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  9. #9
    Thanks for posting Peace. It looks like your thread was moved from the other forum here to the caregivers forum.

    I am also a bit confused. Is he on a vent? How much mobility does he have? Visiting at a nursing home and being a primary care giver is a big switch in responsibility. Are you asking if you should take him home, or asking us for suggestions on getting him home, or questions about caretaking?

  10. #10
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    Quote Originally Posted by peace1965 View Post
    this accident happened due to him being intoxicated and he was with another woman so I'm still dealing with the humiliation and resentment about that which may have something to do with my hesitancy to make a final decision
    I am not trying to be mean here but from my own experience, I could not get over being cheated on by my ex. I don't know about you, you may be stronger than I am.

    Taking care of someone at his injury level is very hard even for people who have a great marriage. There are many here who can tell you about ended relationships because the wife/husband just couldnt do it.

    I still love my ex very much but I came to a point where I realized that I could not change him, the past, or his behavior. You have been humiliated by this man and you already resent him for the other woman.

    Are you sure you are doing what is best for you? I sense that he may be "let down" if you say he cannot come home with you and he is giving you a guilt trip. It IS harder than what you imagine.

    Would he take care of you if the tables were turned? Where is the other woman now?

    Your first priority is to your son. Have you talked to him to see how he feels? This is going to effect his life in a major way.

    I am a low level injury and am independent so I am speaking from my heart to your heart...please do what is best for you and your son. You can love someone but you cant change the fact that he done this to himself. No one wants to live in a nursing home but this just may be way too much for you and as you said this is happening fast. I really hope he is not using you.

    I wish you luck in whatever decision you make. Pray hard and really talk to your family and your son about this.

    Please come back and post here. It really is a good place for information and support. There are alot of people who will lift you up when you are feeling down and overwelmed.
    T12-L2; Burst fracture L1: Incomplete walking with AFO's and cane since 1989

    My goal in life is to be as good of a person my dog already thinks I am. ~Author Unknown

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