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Thread: It finally has come to this.

  1. #11
    I'm very sorry for your marriage ending like this.Still though I'm glad you're moving on.You don't deserve his crap.I don't think you should help anymore either.I would still visit but not for awhile.You need to breathe & he needs to grow up a bit,plus he'll probably throw guilt trips on you right now.PLEASE report him though,it's not fair to the innocent drivers & pedestrians out there.Best wishes to get through this,the both of you.

  2. #12
    It sounds like you are getting control of your life again. Do not feel guilty. You are not the cause of your husband's problems. Most of us with SCIs come to the realization that our problem is with us to stay, and come to a fork in life's road where we can choose to make the best of it, or drown in misery and make the worst of it. It sounds like your husband has chosen the latter, but you do not have to go down that road with him.

    Wishing you the best in your new life.
    You will find a guide to preserving shoulder function @

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  3. #13
    Hi Kittim...

    I remember you very well. My condolences on the loss of your spouse/friend/lover -- it's horrible to watch someone you used to know so well become a completely different person. After 25 years of marriage, this loss is a big one.

    At the same time, though, I offer you my heartiest congratulations on not allowing him to drag you down with him. I strongly support your decision to reclaim your life -- it is the healthiest, sanest choice you could make given the situation in which you find yourself.

    As far as how to go about leaving, I would pursue obtaining a legal separation ASAP. In California, there is a six month waiting period before a divorce will be granted, but there is no waiting period for a separation. A statement that any debts either party accumulates is the sole and separate obligation of the party who acquired them should be included in the separation agreement to protect you from any liabilities he incurs. Please note that a spouse must agree to the legal separation. I'm sure there are plenty of do it yourself forms and books out there, but I think investing in a lawyer who can make sure that your interests are protected is the way to go.

    I strongly agree with the others advocating for a clean break. I admire you for even considering coming over to help him following the split (it speaks volumes about your character), but doing that will serve no purpose except prolonging the process of breaking free and your misery.

    Agree on a date on which you'll be leaving that gives him a reasonable amount of time to get any supports he will need/want once you're out of there, and stick to it. Make it clear that after that date, the extent of your interaction with him will be limited to finalizing the distribution of assets only. Personally, I wouldn't necessarily wait until the purchase of the house is complete -- talk to the lawyer, find out how long it will take to work out the legal separation, and set the clean break day based on that.

    I wish you nothing but the best, kittim, and I am proud that you have decided to remove yourself from what appears to be a highly toxic environment. I hope that you'll be able to find peace and a happy life very soon.

    Afterthought about the ongoing driving debacle -- Absolutely contact his doctor about reporting him to the DMV. I would also notify the DMV yourself. And if your husband has his own vehicle, call your local police, give them his name, vehicle make and license plate number and report him as being unsafe to drive due to his medical conditions. It's my understanding that the police can also investigate situations like this and are required to confiscate the license of any person they find unable to safely operate a motor vehicle. If his three accidents reported to the police or insurance, they will serve a pretty compelling evidence that he's putting himself and other motorists at risk every time he gets behind the wheel.
    It is easier to find men who will volunteer to die, than to find those who are willing to endure pain with patience.

    ~Julius Caesar

  4. #14
    Please take care of yourself and remember that having SCI is not an excuse for acting like a jackass. It sounds like you've given the relationship plenty of time and energy, but he hasn't. Good luck with the next chapter of your life.
    "The truth will set you free. But first, it will piss you off." -Gloria Steinem

  5. #15
    As I read this thread that I started over 5 years ago, I'm reflecting of all that has happened. I left, we remain close and in contact. But things have gone hill today so I am writing on this thread. He called me this morning with uncontrollable shaking with sudden onset at 10PM last night and it comes and goes. Any ideas?

  6. #16
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2012
    Hampstead NC
    I had this reaction during one bout of UTI. The infection became sepsis or so I was told, and I had a very high temperature 103+. The shakes as I called them occurred so quickly. Because the shakes stop, does not mean the infection or what ever is wrong, has passed. Get someone to help.

  7. #17
    Wow This was a bad situation, sorry it had to happen to either of you! High quadriplegic life is not something in some people's cards, there's no shame in that though, because at least in my eyes if it's bad enough to make you dependent it really shouldn't be. But the way he apparently treated you, is not OK! If this kind of disabled lifestyle was never for him ( if you know yourself and your principles it's not hard to tell whether it is or isn't, the it took me five-years bullshit is for people that were going to "cope" with it anyways), then it's his responsibility as a man to let you go. And maybe him saying those hurtful things and acting the way he did, "blaming" you , was his frankly cowardly and indirect way of telling you that. But when you lose so much, and/or have so little pushing someone away, or blocking emotions can be daunting, but it's for other persons best interest. I know this from first-hand experience, hurt myself so bad and failed to recover anything I am almost entirely dependent, it's A pathetic life style and repulsive existence in my eyes, that won't change its who I'am it's only the proper way to look at such a thing for me. And because I knew that, and because they refused to let nature take it's course and let me die at the time! dating or bringing someone into something I find repulsive or something I hate is not an option. Even it feels nice at the time. to my surprise when a great, beautiful girl did take interest in me,understood me, almost impressed with my mentality :/ we connected everything and for the time it lasted it was nice, made things "better". But despite my efforts feelings developed, and I had to rip the Band-Aid off along with everything was very difficult, definitely the only time clinical depression took over. Obviously added additional pain,but I did this, I despise iti'm not going to involve someone else, it was best for both us... But I was direct with it, I establish it right away, when emotions flared up too much I ended it ( although I didn't end it fast enough ). Marriage of course is a much more complicated situation, but I believe if we can analyze ourselves to know that this isn't an option and obviously it is in the way that he's going to continue, but coping isn't so he should've been more direct, to avoid hurting someone else because of the disability, does enough as it is. If anything marriage makes it more necessary to come to that realization.

    Now I can't speak for him, but when you mention the motorcycle something came to mind. I've done similar things myself, bought things I cant use or too expensive etc. Aggression, stubbornness, pride, toughness, principles etc can really prevent someone from "progressing" to the disabled lifestyle. So yes he probably should keep his money, spend it "wisely" on pills, catheters, diapers etc because that's the reality of it, that's the lifestyle you're going to live after a serious injury. And that's a no-brainer for a lot of people they buy diapers and hey they keep them dry so they're happy. But maybe he's like me, overwhelmed with shame, disgusted by the "reality" sees a great disgrace in fully committing to the life. It's likely he knows the motorcycle isn't in the cards, but he sees something that has even a shred of respect in it,maybe causes a Little flicker of self admiration I don't know big difference from buying diapers, cripple beds and piss pads. Either way if he feels that way he's not going to commit to coping, as I said he should've let you know that, and done it properly not by blaming or pushing away indirectly...

    But sounds like you've moved on and things are better for you, that's good,I just wish it went smoother sadly this kind of situation happens after SCI tho.
    Last edited by JamesMcM; 03-25-2016 at 10:33 PM.

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