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Thread: Help w/ Husband

  1. #11
    Senior Member justadildo's Avatar
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    no timelines..no ultimatums...spouses who give second chances in your situation end up dead, leaving children to be abused also...pack your shit and leave

  2. #12
    Senior Member zillazangel's Avatar
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    I agree fully with KLD and justa. He is abusing you. Just because he's in a wheelchair doesn't mean he's not capable of abusing you. Get out. If he wakes up and changes his ways, then maybe you can work it out together, but there is no working it out when he is physically abusing you. That's a terrible thing for your children to see. What will happen to him? Well, HE can figure it with his friends and/or family. That's NOT your job, so don't feel guilty. Good luck.
    Wife of Chad (C4/5 since 1988), mom of a great teenager

  3. #13
    How are things?You haven't posted in awhile.

  4. #14
    You got a lot good advice here from some very informative people. You're wearing the pants the family now and now it's up to you to lay down the law. It's something I'm sure that's going to be one of hardest things to do(like everything else isn't hard enough) but it's better to be happy and alone than married and miserable.

    He's obviously going through depression, and it's usually around the 3yr mark that things start changing. If he can do for himself ween he's mad, then unplug the ps3, tell'm food is in the fridge and don't wait on him. You doing for him is enabling him to be that way to you.

    Remember know what they tell you when you when you fly, take care of yourself first before helping others with you.
    C4 incomplete since 1985

  5. #15
    My fiancé is a C6/7 who is able to feel his entire body as well. We are both 25, in college and I work. I know how overwhelming it is for you because i feel that way sometimes and he is fairly independent plus I don’t have two kids either, so I know that you are feeling it to. Something that we have always discussed is that if it came to the point of him needing more care and it put me over my threshold we would hire that out. It is said that the leading cause of marriage break ups is when the spouse become the caregiver. It might be worth finding other sources in order to make the marriage work. My fiancé worked hard for two and half years and got back from mid chest up. He recovered very well and now lives pretty independent and uses a manual chair. I do know that it took him about three years before the light bulb went off. He spent the first 2.5 years playing video games and not leaving the house except for therapy. He no longer goes to therapy now and I wish he would but he says there is not more he can get back. We just moved out of his parents house about two months ago where his mom did a lot of the cleaning and was helping stay organized, now that we are on our own he has had to do more of that stuff because I know he can, and I don’t feel sorry for him, so I don’t do it. I dont know if any of that helped. But I am young like you and know how hard it can be to try and do it all. I feel for you. Encourage him to go to therapy becosue he can still get important things back. My fiance always explains it to poeple when they ask why he's not trying harder to walk. "I have my hands back at least I can pick-up and hold my kids, if i had focused on walking my hands wouldnt be where they are and I would be able to play and hug my family. Which is more important being able to show my wife and kids love or walking. "

  6. #16
    Hi LadyLaTee ~ Welcome

    Sorry for your position, wish you the best.

    If you're serious, here are some suggestions:

    1. Goals, Boundaries, Consequences

    A) Goals. C5-6, he can do alot. Laundry, dishes, shopping, driving kids to school, pay bills. Have him log in here and read, read, read!

    2. Boundaries. Never will he abuse you by blocking / pinning you with his wheelchair again. Next time you're calling the police. 3 nights a week, he makes / figures out dinner. He destroys the house, he cleans the house. Sounds like a big baby. No chores, no kindness, no effort = no video games.

    3. Consequences. Either he changes himself and the situation / how he treats you or you're leaving with the kids. Give him 60 days. In the meantime plan for your departure.

    Sorry, but this guy is a loser. The fact that he would ever try to intimidate, threaten or scare you is reprehensible. The fact that his major goal in life is his next video level is pathetic. He should be worshiping you, your kids and everything that you do that allows him to live. With his level he should be close to independence, bowel, bladder, dressing, cooking, driving, shopping, etc. I'm C6, I am 100% independent, work full time, manage a household, etc. And believe me there are alot of members here who are also living independently, being productive, are helpful, loving, community members striving for everything positive in life. He has a golden opportunity here with you, kids, etc. aand he's blowing it - big time! He can do it! But if you allow him to continue his behavior without meaningful consequences he won't change. Unravel this current existence one step at a time. Choose your goals, the acceptable boundaries and the ultimate consequences you are ready to execute if there are no changes.

    Call it quad intervention. Gather your friends and family, explain the situation, enlist their help and move forward. From what you've written my guess is that you're headed for divorce and seperate lives unless drastic changes are made.

    Onward and upward,

    Chris

  7. #17
    I have an sci for 9 yrs, and a husband for 25. My sci is the same level as your husband's, but incomplete. Did he receive rehab? If not, it's not too late. If he can play video games, he can fold clothes and make sandwiches, read to the kids, lots o things. I was doing my laundry w/in 3 weeks of my sc, and my injury functioned as a complete sci at that point.

    So, he needs rehab to teach him independence. At the very least, he should be getting onto the short bus and going to outpatient PT and OT 3 X weekly, plus doing the maximum possible at home. He could try to push a manual chair, many ppl do at his level.

    Do you make him dress himself? Do so. If it takes all morning, oh well. Less time on the PS won't kill him. My outpatient PT/OT, post-rehab, got all upset that my husband helped me dress. They were right. It takes me 5 min. now.

    You need a caregiver. You have too much on your plate.

    He needs a come-to-Jesus meeting w/ you, w/ a counselor present.

    He needs an ultimatum, b/c you are as important as him, and nobody should ever tolerate abuse of any sort. An sci is not a Treat-Loved-Ones-Like-Shit-with-No-Consequences card!

    You might want to put the PS on top of the fridge. LOL, if wants to be one of the kids, treat him that way. Ater he folds a load of laundry and exercises for 1/2 hr, he gets it back! He's be pissed, granted, but he's infantalizing himself. Nobody gets the privileges of adulthood w/ no responsibilities.

    You need to get out of the house. Take the kids to the park, or to the $1 movies, or to visit a friend. ANYTHING. I'm sure he needs space, he also needs to realize you won't be there for him 24-7 forever.

    It's a hard road. With that much sensation he's a fool to not be fighting for more functional return. The window of opportunity will pass. Fighting doesn't guarantee success, but not fighting ensures failure. If I'd given up like that I'd kick my own ass daily, for being a punk-ass pussy and a worthless, spineless fool that doesn't deserve even the crap hand we were dealt.

    Don't hate me. You asked for advice. I've been there, and depression is a terrible thing that spoils even the limited opportunities we are granted. I got depressed bigtime at that point in my sci. The difference was, I was a mom and couldn't give up. So I got help, and therapy, and marriage counseling, plus began working out again. I have hundreds of hours of PT under my belt, and I'm glad. I travel alone, shop, live a somewhat limited life, but dammit, it IS a life. Much more than I feared I'd be left with. I was lucky to have an incomplete sci (which I suspect he has as well.) I can't credit luck with the fact that I worked like a crazy person to regain my independence. That was sheer determination, and it paid off. I couldn't live with myself, had I not at least tried.
    Last edited by betheny; 10-09-2009 at 04:38 PM.

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