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Thread: Help w/ Husband

  1. #1

    Help w/ Husband

    Although I am not new to this site, this is my first time posting. I am in serious need of advise.

    A little bit about myself first. I am 23 and my husband is 24 years old. We have two children together, 1 and 5. He suffered a C5/C6 fracture coming home drunk on the highway on November 18, 2007, and also two days after we eloped. This time was very hard for me, I was newly married, pregnant, and my husband was now in a wheelchair. It's crazy how life can change in the blink of an eye!

    Although I new our lives would change, I honestly thought that everything would be okay. Plus he promised me that he would never give up and that he would do his best for me and the children. I never really had any of his family's support from the begginning, but his parents did allow us to move into their living room, although there was plenty of grief about it. Due to all of the complaining by his parents, we moved out before the end of the year. We are now paying bills with my unemployment and his social security which stresses me out because I bearly have enough money every month but it's better than living with my in-laws.

    I don't know what has changed of late but he has become lazy and placent. Although he is a quad, he has feeling through out his body and I believe if he worked hard he could atleast be in a manual wheelchair. All he does is play is PS3 (video games), and only occasionally does he do things with the children. I think he uses me too much through out the day, and when I vocalize this to him he just gets mad and reminds me that he is the one in the wheelchair. If I get angry at him for calling me so much or I tell him to get it himself, he trys to destroy the house. He will knock all the dishes on the floor, try to break my computer, pin me up against the wall with his wheelchair, etc. I feel overwhelmed sometimes because he calls me for everything ontop of the children. I just want him to more independent which I now he can. (It's amazing how when he is mad at me he can put food in the microwave, get things off the floor) When I ask him to go back to therapy he just tells me that he's at where he's at and going to therapy is not going to make him walk. I try to explain to him that he doesn't necessarily need to walk but he could improve his upper body strength and get out the house. I am feeling emotionally and physically drained. I'm lost and don't know what to do. I'm scared that my only option is to leave him before I make myself sick.

    HELP! Honest advise is welcome. Is it my fault for complaining that he is not doing enough for himself? Is this a phase he is going through?

    Thank you all!!

  2. #2
    sounds like you could use some help try getting a care giver. he has feeling in his hole body can he move his legs at all? also it sounds like he needs to she so one and get his issues figured out.
    Street Dreamz c.c. maryland

  3. #3
    You don't deserve that. Tell him to man up or that you'll leave.

  4. #4
    Welcome...it took me ages to post...wish I had the answers for you...stick around and believe me you will find most, if not all your answers here...try looking over posts in the caregiving forum and you will find many wives close in age and family size who are asking the same questions...

    I care for my son, he's 40 and in a few months (xmas eve) it will be 4 years. Your husbands injury is new...For us it was around year 3 that the light bulb went on...sorta like "this is life" and things started changing slowly...

    You must take care of yourself! I know, you probably have forgotten who you are and what you like, but believe me, it is soooo important! Please keep posting and if your husband is willing to come to the forum's as well, that would be great! judy

  5. #5
    Senior Member fishin'guy's Avatar
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    Lady, such a hard spot to be in. The main problem is HIM. He needs to man up, and realize that things are what they are, and they could change, by him working harder, not playing ps3 games all the time, it could be used working out.You have very few rescources, but they need to be used on the children! They didn't ask for this, it's his fault for driving drunk.He doesn't need to be reminded of that, but it is, and the kids deserve a better dad than one that quits when the going gets tough. If nothing else, he needs to shown the kids, you never give up, never.
    Good luck to you and hope you get some help.

  6. #6
    Member
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    I feel for you what a horrid position to be in. You guy's are both so young and have so many new challanges and issues to deal with.
    FIRST OF ALL DONT LET HIM DO THIS TO YOU NEEDS TO BE NIPPED IN THE BUTT RIGHT NOW.
    Is he into sport ? If so get him down to watch some wheelchair rugby. See if he likes it. Get him mixing with some other guys his level who can push him to be the quad he can and should be for both you and the kids.

    Everything is so hard for the first few years. So many things to adjust to for both you guys.
    Rugby can be a way for him to fastrack getting his shit together.

    Steve C

  7. #7
    If he is pinning you with his wheelchair, I would consider that spousal abuse. You need to get help and counseling if he will not. Call your local women's shelter and ask for help. He needs to hear that you will not take this kind of emotional or physical abuse, and that if he is not willing to leave, you and the children will need to leave him. I assume you are not working because you are his only caregiver? Has he applied for caregiver support? Are you being paid to be his caregiver? How does he treat the children? If there are any concerns that he is neglecting or maltreating them, you need to call CPS too.

    I would consider giving him an ultimatum with a timeline. If he is not willing to start working out, and also looking into doing something with his life (going to school, getting a job, etc.) and changing his behavior toward you, you need to move on. He may have to go to a nursing home for a while until he gets his act together and decides that abusing those closest to him is not the way to get on with a life.

    (KLD)

  8. #8
    Moderator Obieone's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by LadyLaTee View Post
    Although I am not new to this site, this is my first time posting. I am in serious need of advise.
    Welcome to CC LadyLaTee ... I'm dashing off to work at the moment but I wanted to pop in and say that and also say I'm so very glad you posted .... people don't realize what a big first step that is .... I'll be back later ...

    Obieone
    ~ Be the change you wish to see in the world ~ Mahatma Gandi


    " calling all Angels ...... calling all Angels ....walk me through this one .. don't leave me alone .... calling all Angels .... calling all Angels .... we're tryin' and we're hopin' cause we're not sure how ....... this .... goes ..."
    Jane Siberry

  9. #9
    You both have a lot on your plate but at the same time, if it has been working for the first two years it should only get better. I am thinking something in his life has changed his attitude, maybe something that was said. Is he doing OT & PT? I would work on getting out of the power chair, get those arms going with a manual chair and set new goals every day. It would be nice if someone else close by in a chair could stop for a visit to show what life in a chair really can be. Two years is still early, lots of frustration still there. You also need to take care of yourself and those kids, there is help out there. Don't take the guilt trip!

  10. #10
    Welcome.I'm sorry you need to be here but life has no promises.I'm guessing he's angry & bitter b/c of his new life but this can't continue to happen.He can screw up the rest of his life but doesn't need to take the family down too.Was he angry before this?Have you asked him to talk to you,explain his bitterness,get it out?I'd say counselingis the first place he needs to go,alone & with you.Since your kids are already affected by the injury & now his anger,they may need it as well.You need to demand help before it gets more out of control.If he can play ps all day & has done things to help himself before there's no need to babysit & meet his every wim.You're his spouse,not servant.Do you qualify for respite care?You have too much on your plate being preggo,a mother,a wife,head of the house,caregiver,slave etc.Again,counseling asap.He needs to work his aggressions from sci out before he ruins your family.

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