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Thread: Need help with my mother

  1. #1

    Need help with my mother

    Can any of you help me with a serious problem I have with my mother? I am staying in a nursing home, and my mother - widow for about a year - moved here 3 weeks ago. We two had problems all my live, but now it's escalating. She suffers from depression since I know her, and I somehow think of her as borderline. She has emotionally abused me all my life and she has always been jelouse of me. She even envies me because the caregivers spend more time with me since I am paralysed (quad). A few days ago she wanted to give 3000 Euros to a lady who helped her sometimes. When I said, that this is much money (out of proportion) she said, this is nothing compared to what I am wasting. When I call her on it she has this old pattern of denying it, blaming me as cruel, a lyer etc., me just always being the bad guy. She also most of the time, since I was little, threatens to commit suicide.
    My dad wrote a will that will basically make me poor. We have some lawyers who made a new will for my mother that she should write now. She now says she doesn't have the strength to write it. I can't help the feeling that she doesn't want to help me. A few days ago she could write just fine. Also we wanted to go to the bank together to put a little money aside for me and she suddenly felt terribly sick, but was just fine, eating cake a few hours later when I came back.
    I have become so upset inside, I am crying for hours every day since she moved here, and since she said this thing about wasting money - which is not the case - I have become so cold inside and can't get myself to love her any more. I feel terrible.

  2. #2
    Why did she go to the same nursing home where you are? Does she have dementia? Is she legally competent?

    I would suggest that the two of you meet with the facility's social worker and try to work something out where you either do not have to interact with her at all (if that is your wish) or that your interactions occur in a supervised setting. Obviously you have a lot of history together, and from your comments it sounds like a fairly dysfunctional situation. A professional may be able to help you both come to some type of agreement.

    (KLD)

  3. #3
    Senior Member lynnifer's Avatar
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    Would you have the ability to go to a different nursing home? Could you arrange it through staff without her knowing and then just go? The best revenge ... and (apparently) the nicest thing you can do for her at the same time ... is move from her.

    See how she likes it then, all by herself.
    Roses are red. Tacos are enjoyable. Don't blame immigrants, because you're unemployable.

    T-11 Flaccid Paraplegic due to TM July 1985 @ age 12

  4. #4
    Yes, my mother has a beginning dementia. But most of her behavior is very old and - like I said - seems to be borderline to me. But she still can make her own decisions (legally). My dad, together with the weird will, wanted to give the power of attorney for her to his own former lawyer. I wrote something that she rather wants me, her daughter, in this position. I shall see if she signs it, otherwise I soon have to fight this stupid lawyer all the time concerning her business.
    The problem with her is her changing attitude. One time she is mean, next time she is sweet and extremely needy for love and attention. She is already extremely concerned I might leave her alone.
    Unfortunately we don't have a social worker here to mediate.
    Your suggestons to move out are probably right, but I believe she has already manipulated me enough that I won't do that. But we are on different floors in the building so there is the possibility we keep more distance.
    Maybe I should join an internet group for relatives of borderliners?

  5. #5
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    Regine, if your mother's behaviors are old and not a product of early dementia it sounds abusive to me. Intermittent reinforcement is one of the main tools abuser's use to bind their victims to them. The fact that she is occasionally warm and loving to you is a bit of a trap. Usually the victim longs for these moments so much that they are willing to endure the cruelty that if more common. I wish I had some concrete advice for you, but really I just want to say protect yourself from this sort of manipulation if you can. It is incredibly difficult because we all want a mother's love, are born needing it more than any other form of love, but when it is toxic it can ruin your life and you deserve better.

  6. #6
    Are you sure your mother doesn't have alzheimer. My mother had it for 23 years or longer and it took years before she got the diagnosis. In the beginning she was like you are describing, it took along time before we understood what was going on. She was only mean and did behave bad because she had lost her impulse control
    TH 12, 43 years post

  7. #7
    Think about getting away from her (leaving the area) saying something along the lines of "if you're going to behave this way, leave me alone" That, said a few times (ok, maybe many times) should help the situation. I did this to my mother many years ago, and she got the idea. Good luck.

  8. #8
    I am so sorry you have all of this going on about your mom, and loss of your dad. It would be great if there was someone who could mediate for you, like a social worker, or a friend nurse at the nursing home, or a relative. Support groups may be a great idea if you think this will help. So sorry for all of this for you. Wishing you the best of luck. I can't imagine how difficult it can be, and both being there must be so challenging. Just know it is not you. Thinking of you.
    Last edited by med100; 01-07-2010 at 06:29 PM.

  9. #9
    Moderator jody's Avatar
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    woman from europe is the most correct I think. you should limit visits for now. if not just to keep the peace and have less stress. keep your visits short. especially if they seem to start out ok and then grow into conflict. her only control left is that money. id let it go. ignore it. do not bring it up. and if she does, let it pass. it is hers.

  10. #10
    Regine,
    I cant tell you how this post rings so deep to my core. It literally brought tears to my eyes. I feel your pain. Im living your pain. My grandmother, who I lovingly refer to as Satan, was an aweful abusive woman. Causing my mother to run away at 13 and almost never to return home. I was raised by her. UGH!
    Shes in the hospital dying and my family wants me to come running..........
    I wont
    I spent days CRYING and in sheer torment
    The end results -

    *Seperate yourself if you have to or when you have to
    *Let go of the weight you will lay on yourself about being a bad person or she needs you
    *try to limit your time with her (or bring friends or staff along) they arent usually as abusive when people can see them.
    *screw the money (Im also in this situation)
    *try to go forward
    *seek therapy if possible!
    BEST WISHES!

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