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Thread: Need advice regarding moving on.

  1. #11
    Moderator jody's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2004
    east o the southern warren
    welcome by the way, be sure to join the womens only and caregivers forums. that way if he does join us, you will still have some support if you need it without worrying about causing guilt or hurt feelings.

  2. #12
    Senior Member brucec's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2009
    Virginia Beach, Va
    Quote Originally Posted by rdf View Post
    Well, maybe packing up the kids and heading out for a weekend away (leaving your husband at home) might do wonders in the "I can't" department Seriously, you might have to do something like that to get him going. It's too much for you to take care of someone who can take care of himself. I'm sure he'll come around, but he might need a 'push' to realize he can't rely on you for everything. At his level, he should be helping out with the kids, with housework, and looking for a job if he doesn't have one at this time, and handling all care related matters himself. Best of luck Kelly, I know it's hard the first year for everyone involved. It's often harder on the family members than on the injured person.
    hell, i was thinking after you get dressed, roll him out of bed on the floor and head out of the house for a while
    We must reject the idea that every time a law's broken, society is guilty rather than the lawbreaker. It is time to restore the American precept that each individual is accountable for his actions.
    Ronald Reagan

  3. #13
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2002
    Aiken, SC USA


    I am 8 years post and 72 years young. I need assistance getting into bed. Someone to lift my legs is about all.

    That said, my wife helps with my bed baths--I'm independent in the shower and she assists with my colostomy at total changing time (every three days). I could do these chores but she insists on helping, for which I am eternally grateful.
    You C.A.N.
    Conquer Adversity Now

  4. #14
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2006
    Kelly, although it seems like a long time already, he is still really "new" to this whole sci thing. It really can take a year or more to start getting the hang of things.

    That said, at t5, barring other issues, there isn;t any reason he shouldn;t be totally independent. I am t7-8, and at that point in time I was doing everything except for having a "spotter" for shower transfers, and driving. (No longer the case now.)

    What sort of help does he still need ..... perhaps we can brainstorm some ideas for him. Often just a minor change in method makes a huge difference.

    Can you get him to sign up and read here? Sometimes just realizing what others are doing, helps point out what he CAN do.

    ps ..... a similar thread recently:
    Last edited by sjean423; 07-24-2009 at 02:39 PM.
    T7-8 since Feb 2005

  5. #15
    T4 and live on my own & independent. Try some tough love on him & make him do it on his own.
    Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you're gonna get.

  6. #16
    im T5-6 almost 5 years post. give him a little time and he will come around. everyone responses differently. i can do things i never thought i would be able to do. the first year was hard, but you learn to do or do without. i learned to do alot after my wife went to work and left me at home all day alone. she wasnt to happy about at first, but now she has given up on telling me not to do something.

  7. #17
    Senior Member Annabanana's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2001
    way up north, Australia
    9 months is not a long time to adjust to having a sci. You say you cant see any improvement....none?? I am also T4/5 from a horse riding accident. At 9 months, I had only just finished my rehab, and was still terrified of doing things own my own. (such as transferring) I think its very important to remember that at 9 months he is probably still getting his strength back, and often fatigue can play a big part in not wanting to do things.

    I dont agree with the tough love strategy at this stage...its a bit early for him to be getting a royal kick up the behind. What sort of things isnt he wanting to do for himself?

  8. #18
    Senior Member flicka's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2004
    Quote Originally Posted by Annabanana View Post
    I dont agree with the tough love strategy at this stage...its a bit early for him to be getting a royal kick up the behind. What sort of things isnt he wanting to do for himself?
    I agree with Anna. Give him a couple of "do it yourselfs" before you go for tough love. The more he does the more confident he will become. It takes time.

    "We are the ones we've been waiting for. We are the change that we seek."
    - Barack Obama

  9. #19
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    May 2006
    I bet he'll feel a lot better when he decides to try to do things for himself.
    I'm almost 4 years post.
    I live alone with a T7 complete injury. While it totally sucks being injured like this,
    I can do plenty.
    I mow the lawn, pull weeds, rake, shovel, buy groceries, do laundry, clean, paint, do woodworking, cook. No kidding! For some of this, I strap myself into a power chair (with a harness they gave me for the seat of my car) to get the leverage I need.
    Its been awesome to get out and do stuff.
    Hang in there, Kelly.

  10. #20
    Hi Kelly. Is your husband depressed? A little pharmaceutical pick-me-up can be a good thing.

    I agree with the others who have said to give him some tasks to do. Once he realizes he can still do things, and how much you need him to do things, my guess is he will get to the point where he's doing his care himself and helping you with things also.

    I think he and your whole family will see how much better life is when he is doing things for himself (and y'all).

    I'm paralyzed from my neck down, but I take pride in what I can still do, and do what I can to make my caregiving as easy as possible on my family. I drive my chair everywhere independently; I load and unload myself in and out of my van. These might seem like small things, but my wheelchair plus the vent, batteries, and me altogether weigh over 500 pounds, and because I can load/unload myself, my 85 year old grandfather can take me places.

    When I'm in my chair (typically about 15 hours per day) I do my own weightshifts regularly, and I can drink as desired/needed from a Camelbak drinking system on my chair (hooked to my sip-and-puff) so aside from needing to be fed, I'm pretty low maintenance for my family when I'm up. I spend most of my time on my computer, where one of my chores is to make a weekly caregiver schedule. I can do a lot with my computer.

    I don't want this to sound like I'm envious of those who have use of their arms, but I would absolutely be independent if I could use my arms. I'm trying to become as independent as possible despite my quadriplegia (I'm going to begin a master's degree program soon, which should put me on a path toward financial independence, eventually).

    One way or another, you have to communicate with your husband that you need him to start doing things. I'm sure he loves you and he's lucky to have you. He needs to start making your marriage a partnership again. Just my opinion.

    Good luck and God bless!

    Wheelchair users -- even high-level quads... WANNA BOWL?

    I'm a C1-2 with a legit 255 high bowling game.

    Checkout the below CareCure thread about a new way to bowl!

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