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Thread: Control Issues

  1. #1

    Unhappy Control Issues

    I don't really know where else to turn. I have been viewing for awhile and I was hoping to get some feedback from folks here. My fiance was injured a year ago and has been in a sub-acute facility since Feb. 2009. I am hoping that he will be coming home soon, but now he is saying that I don't respect him unless it is convenient for me. He has no hand movement however he does have shoulder and head movement. He cannot eat or drink on his own and has to rely on others to help him with this and other ADL's.

    We had a really rough weekend, he is on a lot of narcotics (oxycontin 40 mg PRN 4hrs and long acting 80mg Oxy twice a day) which he chews and has been getting friends to sneak beer into him. He drank a 12 pack on Friday and had 2 on Saturday and then I gave him 4 on Sunday before I realized that they were not the non-alcohol type, (his friends will pour them into the non-alcohol bottles so that people don't know). I got really mad at him and then told his nurse because it scared the crap out of me. I don't know what to do, I told him that I am not going to keep this a secret any more because I can't help him hurt himself. He says that I am trying to change him because I don't think he is good enough the way he is for me. He accuses me of controlling his life and maintains that he is just a regular guy like before the accident. He likes to do all the same things just as before his injury.

    The rational part of my brain knows where all this is coming from but the emotional side of my brain is so scared that he is going to say that he doesn't want to spend the rest of his life with me. I just want him to come home so we can be a family again.

  2. #2
    Please get into counsil yourself ASAP. I didn't listen and paid dearly. Best Wishes

  3. #3
    Hi, I am in counseling and have been since August of last year. But thank you.

  4. #4
    If he really has a pain problem, he needs to switch to something other than the oxycontin, which he is now abusing - something that's harder to abuse. Does his nurse know about that?

  5. #5
    He's self-destructive as hell. Was he on all the drugs/alcohol pre-sci? Judging by his friends, I'm guessing yes. This behavior WILL kill him...and I'm not sure it's your right to stop him.

    Are you trying to change him from the way he was before?

    You CAN physically control his behavior. If it were me, that alone would drive me crazy.

    In short...did you fall in love w/ a drug abuser and alcoholic? If so, it might be a good time to cut your losses and go. If not, and this is all new behavior, he needs help. But I think that has to be HIS call.

    I've watched a lot of people run off their SO's post-sci. Some needed to go anyway, SCI was the final straw. More commonly, SO's start looking for an exit. And I believe that is their right, when no kids are involved.

    Another observation is, whatever our personalities/characteristics may be, SCI amplifies it, kind of distills it and amplifies it. Aging does the same thing. If you are tight w/ money in your 30's, you'll be a miser in your 80's. If you were a grouch, you'll be a jerk as an old person. If you were funny, or sweet, a lush, a slob, anal, whatever...SCI does to us overnight, what aging does in 50 years.

    Barring, of course, some sort of intervention. This guy's friends are sticking by him, which amazes me. Most of us have fewer options to self-destruct than they are offering him.

    I don't hold out a lot of hope for interventions. There are too many variables. Are his family addicts? B/c I think it can be highly hereditary.

    I guess we need more info. At this point, all I can offer is observations.

  6. #6
    chewing up his meds, is dangerous...think I'd let the doc know about it...then I would get the fuck out of there...sounds like he is on self destruct...and after a year it's sad he is not willing to accept his life...I can't imagine a marriage...get out while you can and be greatful there are no children involved...don't mean to sound harsh but he isn't willing from what you've posted to move on with life...so, you should move forward with yours...good luck...

  7. #7
    Wow, you guys are pretty straight forward. I know I asked for perspective, however, I have never considered some of the viewpoints expressed here. Betheny, to answer some of your questions, yes, I suppose I did fall in love with an addict. He drank a lot of alcohol when we met but had slowly been tapering down to where he did not need it as much. Alcoholism runs in his family, his mom is also an alcoholic.

    I suppose you are right in that if he doesn't want to live then this is as good a way as any for him to control what happens. It's just that I love him and don't want to lose him, I already went through that once last summer and now we are going through it again. Is that selfish of me?

    I don't feel like I am trying to find a way out of our relationship, but I am trying to find a way to reconcile his level of need and me being the primary care giver when he comes home and his self-destructive behavior. He was doing really well while he was in acute rehab, he wasn't chewing his pills and he (obviously) wasn't drinking. However, when he got to sub-acute it was such a drastic change in the type of care and the level of dignity with which he is treated that he kind of went off the deep end.
    Not sure if this is enough information, thanks for all the feed back so far.

  8. #8
    I agree 100% with Betheny except for the alcohol being hereditary, that would make it come from your genes. We all have choices and many choose drugs and or alcohol to make life enjoyable or liveable. Sounds like the guy is feeling sorry for himself a putting a guilt trip on loved ones around him. It is very hard to quit drinking, I had to break my neck to wake myself up because I wouldn't listen to others. If you think things are tough now just stick around and find out the hard way. HE has to make the decision to either get on with his life or live in self pity. If he does see the light, his so called friends now will no longer be coming around. It's tough but doable. Good luck!
    From the time you were born till you ride in a hearse, there is nothing so bad that it couldn't be worse!

    All fringe benifits must be authorized by Helen Waite, if you want your SCI fixed go to Helen Waite!

    Why be politically correct when you can be right!

  9. #9
    Agreed, Oldtimer. Heredity is not an excuse to drink, but I do think it predisposes one to alcoholism, and the eventual consequences: Never drinking again, or dying. My older brother died of alcoholism at 49, so I'm familiar with this business.

    Laure, we lose so much w/ SCI, and self-control is a big part of our losses. By self-control, I don't mean willpower. I mean the physical opportunities to control our days and nights, and all that happens in between. As you say, it's a control issue. He probably feels you are trying to control him. As an AB, he would have argued with you and probably done what he wanted. Now he is reliant upon you, and you can prevent him doing what he wants. Which probably makes him more determined to do it...

    I can't help but see it from his side; in ways, I've been there. I remember my husband thinking I wasn't capable of driving. Close to 100,000 miles later, I'm the only one in the family with a perfect driving record, but he STILL thinks I shouldn't be driving.

    If you take SCI out of the equation, there is only one option for you. That is Al--Anon. They don't encourage you to leave your spouse, but they teach you to live your life and not be sickened by his disease.

    Here's some Al-Anon wisdom, re addiction:

    The 3 C's

    You didn't cause it.
    You can't control it.
    You can't cure it.

    And that dang Serenity Prayer, 10,000 times or until you really believe it.

    Get to Al-Anon. Tonight. If your counselor hasn't already suggested that, he/she sucks imo. It's an hour out of your life, and it will give you your life back.

    Also-SCI or no, your man has no right to mistreat you. If he is verbally or emotionally abusive, he shouldn't get extra slack for being SCI.

    And it is always best for an outside party to do personal care. Relationships DO survive sometimes, but being the PCA is a huge burden which it sounds like you don't need. In this economy, you can probably hire help. I'd look into it.

  10. #10
    Quote Originally Posted by Laura G View Post
    but I am trying to find a way to reconcile his level of need and me being the primary care giver when he comes home and his self-destructive behavior. He was doing really well while he was in acute rehab, he wasn't chewing his pills and he (obviously) wasn't drinking. However, when he got to sub-acute it was such a drastic change in the type of care and the level of dignity with which he is treated that he kind of went off the deep end. [/FONT][/COLOR]
    Not sure if this is enough information, thanks for all the feed back so far.

    Sorry if I screwed up the quoting thing. This is the sentnece i want to highlight "...me being the primary caregiver..."

    Why are you going to be his caregiver? This rarely works in a relationship. There are exceptions; however, the line of caregiver/lover is very tricky. I'm blunt, like many here. You can't change an Alcoholic's behavior, only they can. Try an Al-Anon meeting.

    You do have a full plate and you're the only one that can choose your own path. Do remember your happiness and sanity come first.
    Get involved in politics as if your life depended on it, because it does. -- Justin Dart

    I shall not tolerate ignorance or hate speech on this site.

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