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Thread: The in-laws...

  1. #1

    The in-laws...

    My husband and I were in his home town last week. About a 4 hour drive from our house.
    I packed the car, got to his dads, unpacked the car, packed the next morning to got to lodge for wedding. Unpacked the car at lodge, packed the car to go back to his dads, unpacked the car. Packed the car to go home and unpacked the car...
    So it seems very strange to me that his family does not help me AT ALL when we go for a visit. They dont help with my husband or anything.
    I am very confused by this!!! I dont understand!!! My family, thank GOD is alway helpful with what ever we need but I try not to burden them to often.
    Just wondering if anyone else has these experiences???
    Also my husband is bed bound due to a pressure sore. This morning I called his parents to have them call and check on him. I think this is so weird. They only call if I call to let them know they should.

  2. #2
    Senior Member CapnGimp's Avatar
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    Jun 2004
    Alpine, TX USA male T4complete
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    I've missed the story on your husbands injury, obviously. There must be other physical problems with him besides the t4 sci. If this is all that is wrong with him, he should be helping with everything. He shouldn't require help at almost anything.

    As far as in-laws, they must be a bunch of plugs, to be blunt .And I'd be quick to let them know, if this keeps up. I guess some folks can stand around and watch a woman slave away, not in my make-up. I'd call them on it. Ask them if they really care about, or even if they love their son. Might have a big indicator here of why he is feeling 'needy', alone and depressed and don't won't you outta his sight (generalization from another thread, hope you get what I'm trying to say). If they showed this quality of love raising him, no wonder he fears abandonment and has no coping skills/drive.

    I HATE seeing relationship troubles, especially when sci intervenes and is the source. Once again, get him reading here in the forums if you want to get him help. I'm just a hillbilly but I think this site is WAY more valuable than any 'therapist' you might pay to see. Not some overpaid busybody who should have studied a more useful trade. Here you will find real people PRACTICING the fine art of living with sci. And who share FREELY their solutions to life's problems. They have a vested interest here, they CARE. Ya can't say that about 'pros' , when the money dries up, so does the advice.

    Careful with pressure sores, lotta info here on that also.

  3. #3
    Thanks for your input. So you seem very indepentant? Sometimes I wonder if having me around keeps him from doing all that he can.
    He has had a pressure sore on his butt and has been in bed for a week. When I ask him if he put the cream on it the answer is always no. Seems like he is always waiting for me to do it.
    He had a bowel accident last night and calls me in when he is in the shower to make sure he gets his butt clean enough.
    I feel like he I hold him back in some ways???

  4. #4
    I'm t4 and independent living on my own.

    Your hubby might need some help taking care of his pressure sore, but everything else let him do it on his own. Its the only way he's going to learn.

    Yep, his parents are a bunch of plugs (lol). Maybe you should address them about this.
    Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you're gonna get.

  5. #5
    Your husband, at T4 should be completely independent with his own care.
    You may mean well and trying to be helpful and supportive of him, but you are enabling him - enabling his dependence, and enabling a lack of drive and motivation to do things he is capable of doing himself. He waits for you to do it, because you will do it for him.

    It isn't so much about having you around (because why shouldn't you be, as wife and mom, unless there's a reason not to be or you rather not be), it is more about your relationship and communication, and understanding what his abilities and capabilities are, and what roles (eg. husband, wife, caregiver) you both choose (or have resigned) to have.

    As far as in-laws, it's hard to say much from what you've posted, other than maybe they just know (just like your husband) that you will just end up taking care of things, and/or they just don't feel your husband needs as much as you think/feel he needs.

    Given previous threads, there may be more than just the sci issues you're having to deal with and having issues with. Have things improved in any way as far as how your feeling about this and your stress?

  6. #6
    Do you think maybe they assume that if you need help, you will ask for it, and that it is better to just stay out of your way? I have found that some of my friends are that way because they assume that I have the process streamlined, and by helping they would just get in the way. That doesn't mean that I am saying they shouldn't offer!!

  7. #7
    make his ass help u, i function around c6 an im completely ind. i also help my wife do everything besides change light bulbs, lol.

    as for checking his ass for debree, theres nothing wrong w/ that. its a partnership 50/50. rep
    c4/5 inc funtioning c6. 28 yrs post.
    sponsored handcycle racer

  8. #8
    I just don't understand ppl that don't strive for independence. I don't really think I'm judging-in all honesty, I can't wrap my brain around it.

    I'd probably schedule a trip out of town with the girls. Make sure all food is on the bottom shelf of the frig and go. If your presence and aid is holding him back (it seems clear to me it is, but jmo) then I'd make sure nothing is life threatening and remove my presence. You don't want to do this while he is staying off a sore, of course. Although even there, given a laptop, an ice chest, cath supplies etc., he could survive a weekend.

    If he only knew how much a quad would give for his abilities...that is the tragedy. He's wasting what others would give a limb to have.

    Re the family, I'd probably holler. Although I don't do it on my own behalf. I think ppl are nervous to offer hep. I have trouble w/ buffet meals, am always happy when my stepmom's 92 yr old mother attends. Vada offers to carry my plate. My stepmom, the nurse, never has. She also gets mad if I don't want to do county fairs and such due to the heat.

    But if it were about someone besides myself, I'd say "Yo! You reckon that log really needs another bump, or can you help me with a suitcase here?"

    Why doesn't your husband say something to them?
    Last edited by betheny; 06-23-2009 at 10:14 PM.

  9. #9
    Thanks for all of your imput. Maybe I will ask for help. My family is just so good at helping without me asking.We dont go there much so I think I will just lower my expectation.
    Things are getting better. We had a rough couple of weeks. The bowel program is still a disaster and out of control, that is what brings us down the most.

    I ran into a friend on Sunday (we have a law suit pending... forever) but we were talking and she said to me, about the law suit, "they should pay, they ruined his life and yours." Then a co worker said the same thing to me today about our lives being ruined.
    I know I felt like it was ruined a couple of weeks ago for a couple of days. If he could get his bowel program under control I can see that our life could be realy good.
    I am sad that others look at us and tell me that our lives are ruined. What do they all see in us?

  10. #10
    They probably see the anger...they see your helplessness...see you are overwhelmed...are tired and overworked...and most of all they see your sadness...what makes me such a know it all? Been there/done that...and working daily on all the above so will have good days newbee...and some not so good...rejoice in the good ones...believe it or not things will get better, really they will...I wish I could tell ya when...everyone might have one of those A HA moments maybe, I don't have that moment where you finally realize you are either gonna sink or swim and your life changes "get" where you are going and make the very best of a rotten situation...listen to the advise you have been has been given by some of cc best!

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