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Thread: Need advice please!

  1. #21
    Senior Member
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    Jul 2004
    Bloomfield Hills,MI
    Quote Originally Posted by mimin View Post
    I've always felt bad for him b/c I'm sure he feels very guilty (I'm not sure why we fell, but it wasn't a big fall, I guess I just landed bad...I've seen much worse where the person gets up and is fine). I think everyone else there that night was also affected pretty hard with the if only's. A friend of mine who wasn't even there told me later that he felt guilty ("maybe if i had been there..."). Obviously it's useless to dwell on these thoughts but it's human nature, I guess.

    I never expected or wanted to be in touch with him. Like I said, it was a casual friendship, we would all hang out and play football or go out to eat. So I didn't want to be rude but I didn't really want a new friend here. That's why I liked what sjean wrote. But from the message that the wife wrote, it sounds like he's still having a rough time.
    I think what you wrote above (slightly re-worded) would make a perfect response.

  2. #22
    Senior Member Van Quad's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2002
    Vancouver, BC, Canada
    Quote Originally Posted by darkeyed_daisy View Post
    We never know how we will react until after the situation.

    I met the ambulance fellas that picked me up ten years after my accident. I had dealt with everything fine until then. It just made me relive some painful memories that I had put behind. I thought I had moved on. .
    It's freaky how we can bury hurt but it always comes back when we least expect it. My painful memories returned 10 years post while on my first visit back east. The countryside brought memories of what I could no longer do.

  3. #23
    Super Moderator Sue Pendleton's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2001
    Wisconsin USA
    Oh boy, if you reply but don't friend she/he can go through your friends and google them. Welcome these people to CC then. He'll know you are not fine a lot of the time then. Do you happen to have an email for either so you can answer that way?
    Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, "I will try again tomorrow."

    Disclaimer: Answers, suggestions, and/or comments do not constitute medical advice expressed or implied and are based solely on my experiences as a SCI patient. Please consult your attending physician for medical advise and treatment. In the event of a medical emergency please call 911.

  4. #24
    Senior Member Rrrrronnn's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2005
    Lawng Eye-Lynd, New York
    It's really easy to beat up on the guys reaction for not initiating the contact himself since we are the ones on the short end of the stick. None of us can know how many times our AB selves would visit someone in the hospital, call them on the phone, or to what level our friendship would continue with the person that was injured while our AB hands were at the controls. This doesn't make it right, but sometimes realizing this makes their lack of courage to face it (like we have no choice to face our injury) a bit less frustrating.

    Things are still a bit vague as to what happened, but if it was a straight-up freak accident then I'm not sure he deserves to be given more guilt then he is dealing with. Some of the simple messages suggesting how your dealing and moving on seems good enough, and it was a lousy unfortunate accident.

    However, if he was driving like a schmuck, then he deserves to hear how his stupidity unfortunately resulted in you being injured due to his carelessness. And that even though your life is <insert degree of fuct-upted-ness here>, you're dealing the best you can.

    At the same time, there's no criticism for someone who was injured at someone elses hand, no matter how unintentional, to feel royally fuct over and want to scream their lungs out at them. That might be better handled at a shrinks office though, because they may be more likely to give one more relief from those angry feelings then the person taking the severe tongue lashing.
    "If ya don't have it in the hips, ya better have it in the lips..." ~ Charlie - Villa Dulce

  5. #25
    I'm pretty sure it was a freak accident, Ron.

    She asked me if I would take a call from him and I said no even though I don't blame him... I've gotten over the shock of her writing to me.

  6. #26
    Keep in mind that you each came away from the accident traumatized. Your wounds are far worse, but that doesn't invalidate his remorse as a participant in your accident. What some believe is guilt, may actually be grief. I was with friends when I was injured and it took some of them a very long time to tell me how much it effected them--how they carried a lot of grief they didn't dare to express. I was thankful when they finally did, though, despite painful emotions involved. Talking to him may be difficult, but it may also be beneficial.

    You don't have to ease his grief or engage in some sentimental facade--that's not healthy and not your responsibility. Instead, just honestly acknowledge what you both feel. If you're angry at him on some level, tell him. And then give him the space to express himself, as well. I think that's the best approach.
    "I'm lost. I'm no guide, but I'm by your side." - Pearl Jam

    "It decomposes, mendicant, therefore, truly, one calls this the world." -- Loka Sutta

  7. #27
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Jul 2007
    Quote Originally Posted by Saorsa View Post
    You don't have to ease his grief or engage in some sentimental facade--that's not healthy and not your responsibility.

    This is exactly the way I feel. You just don't know what kind of baggage you might be taking on either.

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