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Thread: I'm tired of this #$%&-ing pain!!!!

  1. #111
    AS A Quad Hi Grange I understand the Pain it is horrible IMOP but Personally I dont Cuss
    I Dont enjoy the pain at All I Cry From it alot .
    hope it goes Away

  2. #112

    Bill, you know are very depressed and of course that the depression is appropriate. If Chronic severe pain doesn't depress you, there is something wrong. However, when you are depressed, you cannot think straight and use the best judgment. I am not taking this lightly, because my own central pain leaves me speechless. However, there is a great deal of humnanity in you. As I look at my life, there are very brief instances which had a big impact. Sometimes idle remarks had huge impact on my whole life. Your daughters and your family will encounter trying times. They need the wisdom of your experience. If nothing else, they can say well I could have central pain. You are far from all gone. Your little asides and remarks can help steer a child through rough waters. Don't even think of giving up. If you get away from your family you would miss them. Dying is REALLY getting away and I am sure your kids benefit from your support, even if you are on the surface not doing any good. I am sorry for your suffering, but I do believe God will make it up to you. However, no matter what God does, you are a father. That is a role you can never walk away from. Your only course is to keep going, maybe for those brief times when your kids can be moved a little in the right direction. Small things can carry big consequences. Your kids benefit tremendously from you whether or not they realize it. Hang in there guy. Your posts are very touching. You have a lot of good in you. Don't give up.

  3. #113
    Ok, this is no fun anymore , Sitting in the middle of the Atlantic ocean with no food or clothes would be more fun then sitting in this pain with no end in sight !!! I just want to scream so that I can focus on that instead of this enormous amount of pain ...........................

    T8-9 according to latest scoring.......
    since 1/3/04

    I am the best at being me. No matter how that happens to be!!

  4. #114
    Quote Originally Posted by bollefen View Post
    I have had the discussion with my family, shrink and minister. I know the catholic church (formerly catholic) considers it a mortal sin. other religions do not hold so firm.

    My rationale is if I had waited another day or 2 before seeking treatment I'd be dead and God would (hopefully) welcome me home. Would he hold marginally successful surgey that leaves me tortured 24 x365 the determining factor when I faced him or would he fell I had done my best and forgive me?

    My own feelings are that I would be welcome, but i do not treat this lightly.

    Most of my family and close friends feel it is only a matter of time and while they know there will be baggage have already acknowledged that while they would feel bad they would understand have watched my life for 5 years.

    I would leave 2 parents 4 brothers and families and 4 children with 2 grandchildren. with the exception of the grandchildren I have discussed it with all of them.

    STill have a couple options so continue forward until there is nothing left.

    This is a near daily struggle for the past 5 months.

    all that I am is all gone

    You're not all gone, my friend, not w. this kind of discussion. Are you Catholic? I'm not, just wondered. My God is a merciful one, which is not to say you should commit suicide. I know this sounds insulting, but have you tried the mind games for pain relief? The more you practice, the better you get at distracting yourself. Still a joke, in comparison to the pain, of course. Mind over matter sucks when it comes to pain...all I can say is that it is better than doing nothing and just feeling like a victim.

    Best wishes. I hope your God grants you peace and some moments of relief.

  5. #115
    Senior Member danielgr's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2001
    Walton, NY USA
    Pain, Pain, please go away and don't come back another day.

    Yesterday was one of the worse days I ever had with pain, I just wanted to scream, but cried instead. I was at work and the pain was so bad I couldn't move. My co-workers were asking if they could do anything & I just had to ask them to leave me alone. I really don't want my co-workers to know when I'm really hurting, so I try to fight through it or take drugs. I does effect my quality of work, but I would rather be at work, then be at home alone with the pain hating life. I keep telling myself tomorrow will be a better day because most of the time when I hurt real bad, the next day I always feel better. It's like my pain goes in cycles, I will be okay for a couple of days, then in pain a couple of days. Whenever my pain is real bad, the following day is always better.

    Best of luck to all of you guys & gals that share this pain,
    Dan G

  6. #116
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2004
    Tallahassee, FL

    Mee Too Pain id Soooooo F'N Bad!

    After 6 years of hell.. It actually seems to be slightly worse.... if that's even possible? I mean, it's already silly high level of pain, I nearly can't go on. And then a few A- Hole Doctors have said, it differs from person to person, depending on how we deal with pain... WHAT A FUK'IN JOKE.... those who have this level of pain.. MY LEVEL... they are out of their minds too,... there is no dealing or coping better... not at this level! Doctors are the DEVIL! LOL... well, not all... but some should get this pain for just a week... then let me hear them say that about dealing with it! Morons!
    Mike (Florida)

    Cant we get 1 do over?

  7. #117
    Junior Member Lizbiz09's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2009
    Northern Ireland


    I hate my F*%*ing pain too!!

    I am sick to death of it ruining my life... I have had it for so long now I have forgotten what its like to be "normal"!!! I have had a horrendous time thread tells it all....

    But you are so right!! We need somewhere to scream, shout and cry and not be judged...for people to read what we write and completely understand what we are talking about!!

    I just want the same kind of life everyone else has.. I wanna be able to do things on the spur of the moment and not even think about whether I will suffer the consequences afterwards, or even wonder if I am able to just go out!!

    I want to be able to not even think about this bloody pain!!!!
    Sometimes you just have to jump....
    And grow your wings on the way down...

  8. #118

    Dejerine, Betheny

    First off i am touched at some of the exceptionally kind comments. I do understand the level of depression and take meds to help, but as with so many, I have lost most of my friends and burned out my family.

    I think the father thing is the one that is hardest to reconcile, thankfully.

    I have to find some way to feel a part of this world in this broken body and as a warrior most of my life this is exceedingly difficult, I have an artist inside and posted some pics but even this is exceedingly difficult given my position.

    Some people think soldiers/warriors whatever you choose don't believe in God, but in my experience we do.

    Betheny and Dejerine My God loves me and in this I am confident and I believe he trusts me to do the best I can. I welcome any prayrs.

    Tomorrow I see the team, neurosurgeon, neurologist and orthopod to see what they come up with re my current deterioration. Don't know what I fear more, the typical response "you've fucked yourself up again" and XXX is broken, shattered,ruptured,collapsed? so we need to go back in or you'll be on wheels again and "btw is your living will done cause this is another bad one". Or "sorry Bud, this is how things are" expunging any remaining hope.

    Historically and quite humorously I have been the pain master for my whole life, I copied the following from another post.

    I think pain is very hard to put on a scale. I studied Japanese and Chinese martial arts and pain / sensory control. I'm old military and in Nam have been shot, took a mortar round which broke my shoulder, have done self surgery to remove shrapnel and bullets and sewn myself. I have self sutured up for years. My pain doc considers me the highest pain threshold he's met.

    But my pain, I'm Cauda Equina, has had me suicidal off and on for 5 years and will drop me to the ground or shriek or cry.

    I recently had to take a hook out of my dogs mouth who was pinned down. In a panic he bit to the bone both hands in multiple places, broke 1 finger and dislocated 2 more. I set my fingers sewed the worst without flinching. I asked the pain doc how does this correlate as i would rate many of the injuries sustained in combat as a 10. And can still manage as in the dog bite.

    In tears in his office unable to cope with my back and leg pain and searching for an answer swearing i was loosing my mind and turning into a pussy he explained it as such:

    Below your injury the nerves and all the neural networks associated are injured and cannot heal and cannot retain normal function and always in overload. anything above L1 you can manage as they behave normally for your body, pain tolerance. Everything below is broken and subject to different rules.

    I marvel at the levels of pain SCI folks endure and am constantly surprised at how we wake up each day, do the best we can. Bitch now and then and in the worst times contemplate or plan an escape, yet there is something in the human spirit that has us choose to go forward.

    I can truthfully say that absent the courage, support and zest for what life the members here have I would have checked out already. The physical and mental pain as a result of an SCI is indescribable and cannot be truly understood by an AB.

    Teena, Arndog, bc, Quadvet and all that don't immediately come to mind you are blessed.

    Betheny and Dejerine your were names omitted but high on my list,

    Thank you all for helping me through this and prayers for some good news tomorrrow please.



  9. #119
    Hi Bill

    Today is the day you see the doctors. I hope and pray for the best for you.

    Being in pain 24/7 is something most people just don't understand. I wish I did'nt "get" it.

    Good luck today.


  10. #120
    Sending more prayers your way, Bill...

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