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Thread: Coping after death

  1. #1

    Coping after death

    How do I help my mom cope after my dads death? She has been his primary care giver for 5 years. My dad was a wonderful person ever so loving even when he was in a vegetative state.

  2. #2
    Senior Member flicka's Avatar
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    I'm so sorry for your loss. Surviving is very painful. It is important to acknowledge his loss for both you and your mother. Listening if she wants to talk, talking of your own grief and fond memories, all are important steps to get beyond the initial loss.

    Just don't bottle up your grief, or allow your mother to internalize it. Helping her go through your dad's things and getting rid of things would give you a good opportunity to remember him.

    I hope for comfort for you & your mother.
    ____________________

    "We are the ones we've been waiting for. We are the change that we seek."
    - Barack Obama

  3. #3
    I am so sorry for the death of your father. How are you coping? I can't tell you how to cope except support each other very much. It takes time. Try to get her out of the house and do things that she hasn't been able to do. Get her friends to get her out. Go see a movie, church, bingo etc.
    For me, when I lost my mother it took me having a breakdown and my 9 yr old son to take care of me at first and I didn't know I was having one. It took three yrs to get over it. She was the center of my life. I was in school also. So yall stay busy. God Bless.
    Mary
    I want to Rock you Gypsy soul and together we will flow into the Mystic.
    Van Morrison

  4. #4
    Thank you all very much. I am going to try out the sugestions

  5. #5
    Senior Member fishin'guy's Avatar
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    Sorry for your loss. I have found that, without a doubt, lifes humorous times w/loved ones is best

  6. #6
    Part of grief is anger, too. I think it's important to acknowledge that you're angry he's gone, to scream a bit, maybe hit some pillows.

    It's really hard to concentrate when you're grieving. So maybe renting/ buying DVD's of tv series she'd enjoy, so she doesn't have to try to focus for a whole movie? She can take it in half-hour bits?

    Most helpful may be exercise. Working the body is the best outlet. And it might let her sleep at night.

    Don't let her get run down. Get her doc involved. I bet she isn't sleeping. A short course of sleeping meds might be a really good idea. Really tempting food, w/ backup plan of nutritious smoothies w. protein powder in case she can't choke the food down. Don't rely on Ensure. Again, doctor input might be good here.

    Good luck. Grieving is the worst. My parents/m-i-l are all getting so old. I'm starting to panic when they call me at odd hours, you know?

    But it's a fact of life. Can't go over it, around it, under it. Just have to go through it.

    A preacher told us not to make any changes for at least 6 months. Good advice. When my best friend lost her husband suddenly (he was 50, she was 40) she went to a shrink and just melted down. The shrink told her she couldn't help while the grief was so acute, to come back in 6 months.

    All you can do is be there, keep her healthy, until the worst of the pain eases. I am v. sorry for you both, for your loss.

  7. #7
    I would also recommend a grief support group. Many hospitals, hospices, and churches run them, and most have no charge.

    Spend time remembering the good times with your dad. Going through old photos and taking notes about what your mother tells you about them and your dad is one place to start. Don't throw away or give away his clothes too early, but do have a plan for doing this. Don't do it without your mother's input as a way to "spare" her from this task. It can backfire.

    I assume you had a good memorial service already? Was she able to help plan this?

    Help her get out and do some fun things. It may be bittersweet, but it will help, even if it is things she once did with your dad. My father died last fall and I just took my mother on a cruise (something she did many times with my dad). We had fun but also had some serious talks about how much we missed him being with us.

    Let you mother know how much it meant for you that she was a caregiver for your dad. Too often, no one says thank you.

    (KLD)

  8. #8
    Senior Member zillazangel's Avatar
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    Obie will probably remember (missingdad: Obie is the moderator of this forum), but there was a woman whose husband died and she was his caregiver. She would probably have alot of good advice and would be helpful for you and your mother. Maybe Obie can message her.
    Wife of Chad (C4/5 since 1988), mom of a great teenager

  9. #9
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    I'm so sorry for your loss. I just lost my Dad on April 20. I was absolutely not prepared for what I'm feeling right now. Your mom may feel the same way. I am so incredibly angry and feeling things that I didn't even feel after my Dad's injury. Everyone has made great suggestions - but listen to your mom, too. Read all of her nonverbal cues, too. Because nothing annoys me more than when someone suggests they do something to "get my mind off things". Right now, I can't think about anything else no matter what anyone does. Everyone has their own speed of grieving I suppose. Good Luck and again, I'm so sorry.

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