Have you ever felt this way?

[boisepave]

My husband had his accident almost 3 years ago. I help him and try to keep him encouraged. Sometimes I dont know what to say, he seems to feel like he wants to die if he cant walk again. He rarely goes anywhere except to work out a couple times a week. He stays in his room, and I mean in his room. He never comes out except to go to the front door to leave.

Most of the time I am scared to say anything to him for fear of an outburst ( I am sure everyone has them) I dont mind the fits for me, it just gets his spasms going and then he gets even more upset and you know from there. I guess you guys know. Does everyone curse God, throw things etc? I have begged him to look at this site or talk to another person that has been injured.

Now I am painting this horrible picture of him and he is really an amazing person. He lets me stretch him and most of the time he wants to workout. He is just still soooo angry. Does it ever go away? Is there something I can say or do to help. Every time I try to get him to go somewhere he says it will just remind him of all the things he cant do, is this true for everyone else? I try to get him just to come out on the deck, he says he doesnt want to get his chair muddy.....there isnt any mud on the deck or on the way to the deck.

I dont know, he just cant keep going like this. I want him to realize there is so much he can still do.

Any suggestions?

[betheny]

Everybody is different. Some have the anger, some don't. Some channel the anger constructively, e.g. working out. Isolation is bad for all of us, and is an easy habit to fall into. He probably needs counseling, possibly anti-depressants.

All I know for sure is none of this is your fault. You deserve to be treated with kindness and respect-we all do.

Some sci's use their injury as an excuse to abuse (emotionally, verbally or physically) their loved ones. That is never ok. A new sci is gonna have bad days, but nobody has the right to ruin your life because of their bad luck.

Refusing to go out b/c it reminds him of what he can't do is bs. I've done it many times. The best cure is getting out! My savior was a 16 pound dog that wants to go for walks. I rescued him, then he rescued me. Anything your husband does to help others or increase his independence will help his mental health. He sounds depressed to me, and maybe in a bit of denial too. I was sooooo depressed years 2 and 3, post sci.

Good luck. Don't take any crap-it's only hurting him in the long run!

If you can get him into any dis sports, they often help. I love waterskiing and scuba diving. I love travel. It's exhausting as an sci. I try to remember that I always loved it b/c it was an adventure and a challenge, and that it is much more of those things now.

Just got back from a week in Mexico, with an old friend. Challenging? Yep. Exhilarating? Absolutely. Wouldn't have missed that for anything! Although my feet swelled 3 times normal size, and I had to be carried and helped a lot, it was well worth it. I just made sure to tip my helpers. My feet went down eventually. And a hot, well-mannered former military guy asked me out in the Atlanta airport...Not bad for a middle-aged, married gimp that was flying in the clothes she slept in the night before, who was wearing scuba shoes due to swollen tootsies! It made me feel super. When you get out of the house, you never know what might happen!

There are also some people, a sorry lot, that would pity themselves if they won the lottery. I doubt he's one of those. I don't think people marry them, the chronic self-pitiers. They'd drive a saint to drink. I never cursed God, but I do feel sorry for myself sometimes. Like when everybody goes on a trip and I'm not invited. mostly I think I'm a glass half-full person. I'm cognizant of the things I've lost due to sci, but I also admit that my life took a completely unexpected, mainly fulfilling turn when I broke my neck. I'd rather be AB, but I've seen and done things I would never have done if I hadn't been injured.

For his own health, he needs to learn to count his blessings imo. What level is he? Complete, incomplete? Do you guys have kids, friends, jobs, pets, hobbies? All these things are important.

I'm kinda mean. I'd probably put mud on his chair, so that excuse wouldn't hold water. Once my brother and I were clearing a pasture, the hubs kept worrying we'd scratch the farm pickup. finally my brother smacked it with a brick, and said "There. Tell Steve I did it."

PS-I read a post of yours where you said it seemed like many inc c5-6's just start walking. Wanted to tell you that rarely, if ever, happens. I did suspended treadmill ambulatory training at the VA for 6 months. I sweated blood. Most of us that recover walking did it due to very hard work, and a fortunate injury. If he works his guts out, he might not recover walking. If he doesn't, he'll never know what might have been possible. With an incomplete c5-6 injury, it isn't uncommon to work up to some type of walking, or at least standing transfers. It is worth the effort. I'd never have forgiven myself if I hadn't tried.

At inc c5-6, really intense OT might return some finger function. I'd sell my house and car for fully functional fingers.

Standing a couple times a week isn't enough therapy, unless he has already given it his all and had no progress.

Sorry this got so long!

[lakboy]

Hi Betheny, Very well written and not long. Good that u did what u did. Tho i am an incomplete para still walking is a priority for me and shall remain one. I am sure some sort of a cure which tho not total will give some kind of functionality. Dont lose heart .

[NorthQuad]

I'm an angry prick when I get going. But I could be an angry prick before sci. Honestly, me and your man would make a good pair. We could go out rolling around and point out all the things that piss us off. Oh look, and eagle. fuckin' eagle. I used to look at eagles when I could walk.

You haven't painted him to be an awful person. I'm sure he knows how angry he is. It's difficult to get passed. Hopefully he'll get over it soon and start craving to go out and do stuff.

[Roll Clyde]

All I can say is keep trying. I am 18 months post injury now. I didn't really do much the first year, but my friends and family stayed on me and never gave up. Now, I go to sporting events, concerts, clubs, parties on a regular basis.

So if I can give you any advice at all, it would be never give up. I really commend you for sticking with him through all this. There are tons of people, myself included, who lost their significant others due to sci. Keep up the good work and support.

[Eileen]

It really sounds to me as though he has not emerged from a serious depression and the anger over his SCI. That does not, however, give him a right to make your life miserable in any way. I would like to suggest a therapist. There is nothing wrong, or not macho, about having a third party that your husband can vent his frustration and be given help to reframe it in constructive ways. You certainly do not deserve to be his focal point for this sort of thing.

[Liz321]

He's also "3", so he's at that age, not unlike the terrible two's in kids....that being said you should NEVER put up w/ anyone taking their inner rage out on you.

[boisepave]

Thanks guys for giving me some insight. It makes me feel so much better to get some different point of views, I bet it would make him feel better too.

I would love for us to talk to a therapist, there is no way he will do that.

And North, yes he would get angry before his injury also. His personality is much the same just more extreme.

I probably should just throw mud on his chair, lol that would be funny. He would either laugh or go into extreme spasms with anger, but he isnt the type of person I can force to do things, either that or I havent figured out how yet. The nice way doesnt work either.

I know he must come to terms with this for himself, it is just so hard to watch. He wasnt a real social person before hand. My goal is to get him to the theatre, not as many people will stare there.

Maybe it would make him feel a lot worse though, that is my fear, that I get him out and it doesnt help at all.

Anyway, thanks a lot, makes me wanna cry just knowing there are people out there that dont even know us and want to help.

God Bless

[betheny]

LOL @ Northquad. Fuckin' eagles, they don't even NEED to walk. They can FLY. Assholes! They don't even appreciate it, I bet, when they swoop in and latch onto a rodent. Jerks. Can't they see I can't even walk over here?? Noooooo. They just fly around, rubbing it in my face. Just like they did when I could walk. Remember when we used to walk, what assholes those eagles were?

[Mona~on~wheels]

What you're doing is right. Just always be at your husband’s side because she truly needs you at this present situation. Don’t show any compassion on him or anything that can make him discourage. Just show him your love and let him feel that you really care for him.

I totally agree. As hard as it is, we all need someone that loves them 100% unconditional love. I would let him know how much he hurts you. Not in a confronting way. Just that you're trying to help, love him, and support him. The day will come when his spirit will break and he'll be so glad you were there for him. We know what you're going through and how hard it is.

(((Big Hugs))) for hanging in there. Mona

Saying a prayer for y'all. God bless~