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Thread: Self Pity: Better Out Than In

  1. #1

    Self Pity: Better Out Than In

    If you have a big ol' rant that you are embarrassed to even claim, this is the place. This is the place for nuisances or grievances. This is the place to spill when self-pity has you crying so hard that snot is running into your mouth. It's embarrassing, but maybe somebody will feel better knowing they aren't the only one.

    I'll go first. If a rant will help you, please chime in. It would make me feel less a loser.

    Preface: Nothing in my life is going well. Finances, family, friends...I'm having a hard time finding a blessing, although clearly I have many. The problem with self-pity is it blinds you to the positive.

    This is a PM I wrote Woman from Europe, in response to a kind consoling note she sent when I said watching Mamma Mia made me cry.

    __________________________________________________ _______________

    I'm ashamed when I cry and feel sorry for myself, too. Look how lucky you and I are...We recovered walking for a while, and people here can't even breathe, and use mouthsticks to type!

    But you know what? You and I still lost a LOT. There is no sense lying to ourselves about it!

    I'm trying to book a scuba trip in Mexico. Called a resort yesterday, said "Habla Ingles?"

    "Si, ess meeee."

    I though Uh Oh. Said "You know wheelchair?" Silence. "Wheelchair, for people that legs don't move?" "Oh, si si". "You have place for wheelchair?" "No, sir, I veddy soddy."

    I'm not a sir!

    And he didn't understand a word I said!

    He does not habla ingles, so there! I am incapacitado fisico, but at least I habla ingles!

    I posted on a scuba forum and asked if anybody had ever even SEEN a wheelchair on that island. All I got was how inspiring I am. Really, I'd rather go diving than inspire.

    I wish I could go to Phuket!!!!!!!!!!!

    I was feeling sorry for myself because my 2nd best friend is going to Ireland. That is my favorite country I ever visited. The past 3 years she's been to Austria, Greece, now Ireland. She is a widow, so she goes on a tour w/ old people. She says they bore her to death.

    But she never invites me.

    Why, Bente? Why doesn't ***** invite me? Please tell me why? I love her, I know she doesn't want to hurt me, but she never invites me. She'd rather go with old boring people on a bus of strangers...

    It BREAKS. MY. HEART.


    And now I am crying again. My heart hurts so bad...

    My stepmom doesn't invite me either, but screw her. Now she has cancer and I hope her friends leave her at home. Which is a terrible thing to hope but I get tired of being the nice one at sitting at home, all thrilled and grateful and happy b/c I get postcards from Athens and Paris and Rome. And now DUBLIN!!??

    Dublin is my FAVORITE CITY.

    I could cry and cry and cry. Thanks for understanding, it REALLY means a lot. I hope our friends get some teeny injury that makes them stay home for only one month, while everybody goes and does the stuff they love most in the world. I hope for one month they can feel what I feel for 8 1/2 years. And it hope it HURTS them, and makes them feel GUILTY and ASHAMED that they desert friends who have been with them for 30 years, through pregnancies, abortions, Fertility treatments and the craziness that comes with the hormones, babies, siblings dying, widowhood, bankruptcies, being beaten by boyfriends. And I hope they remember I NEVER turned on them. I had her back everyday for 30 years. And I still do but it hurts to have *****'s back, it HURTS me.

    I'm a big ol' crybaby. Sorry for the language here, but FUCK a buncha wheelchair dancing.

    It would be fun if you had a fun partner that would practice so you look pretty and graceful and elegant, not like a freak show with some guy that can't WAIT for the dance to end. And it's no fun when guys stick their junk in your face on the dance floor, b/c you're down there and they can.

    Phfft. I spit on their junk and their doing me a favor by dancing with me. Spit on it, I tell you!

    I need to hire a guy in Mexico to carry my scuba gear and to help my real true friend, Jill. Sometimes she goes on trips without me, but only places like Galapagos where a disabled person REALLY can't go. Not places like DUBLIN, where people use wheelchairs every day and they are just afraid I might slow them down.

    OK, I'll really quit now. I hope this self pity ends soon. It is quite unpleasant! You are SMART to not watch Mamma Mia. I was looking forward to it, thought it would be fun. But it ruined me completely.

  2. #2
    Senior Member Imight's Avatar
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    Welcome to my world.

  3. #3
    Senior Member skippy13's Avatar
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    I know. I hate being left out too. It's terrible to be disabled, broke and lonely.

  4. #4
    Keep your chin up my dear, winter in itself can darken our doorsteps. A matter of months and the fair sun shall warm our faces again!
    And the truth shall set you free.

  5. #5
    But why do we always have to write the good things when we feel bad for all the bad things. Why can't we write about friends who disepear, husbands that leaves or behaving you bad? About no jobs or education because of our disability? People who don't want to take you out because they are embarrassed or want to go to inaccessible places instead of places accessible. The lost attraction to the other sex. The fun has gone and without fun and excitement what is left?
    TH 12, 43 years post

  6. #6
    My son's last trip 3 months before his accident was to Dublin. He loved it there and the people he met have become good friends. :d

  7. #7
    hey, wanta go to Austin and listen to Wise in the spring? We could fly, or I can drive...haven't talked to Mona yet but thought about picking her up along the way, so guess driving is the way to go...She needs to get out...
    I could relate to a lot of what ya said even being "AB"...and these days even the Halmark movies bring uncontrolable tears...think much of it is like decaf said, a winter thing...and a son who is catching the "bug" my grandkids passed around last week...was praying he wouldn't catch it cause it is hell when he tries to puke...I shared the other day about what a mess my house is and here I sit on the computer...the pukey sheets are now frozen on my front porch because I am still out of soap and from the looks of the ice and snow it will be a few more days before it is safe to get out...we live on a hill and going down is no problem...it's getting back up the hill to the driveway...impossible in the ice...at least we didn't lose power...oh my, a positive thought...and I was in a pissy enough mood that I challenged an old timer here on cc and now am having second thoughts about maybe I should have kept my big mouth shut...and just "think it and say nothing" but sometimes it feels good to just get thoughts and feeling out......anybody out there along 44 (I think thats the way to Texas) and wants to go listen to Wise, let me know...my van has a lift and room for a couple power chairs! Thanks for the post betheny...it's a good one...and I look forward to seeing the pic's of you diving! cause I know you will make it happen...

  8. #8
    Senior Member fishin'guy's Avatar
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    Thats nice of you Judy, to offer rides. It'd be neat if you got a couple more.
    As for the ice and snow, we finally got rid of all of ours here, I'm about 3 miles from Puget Sound, so normally we don't have much. So for now, my common retort from the great Northwest, we don't have to shovel rain

  9. #9
    Super Moderator Sue Pendleton's Avatar
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    Want to go from Fort Lauderdale to Harwich, England with stops in Nassau, Bermuda, Azores, Lisbon, Vigo and Gijon; Spain and La Rochelle; France? We leave the 17th of April and have a huge ass balcony. So ask Jill if she can take 15 days off or bring the spouse. You get stuck with your costs but we can share the balcony. BTW, Beth I hear ya. My girlfriends are not anywhere near me and at this point I need my friends with AB memories of me.
    Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, "I will try again tomorrow."

    Disclaimer: Answers, suggestions, and/or comments do not constitute medical advice expressed or implied and are based solely on my experiences as a SCI patient. Please consult your attending physician for medical advise and treatment. In the event of a medical emergency please call 911.

  10. #10
    Quote Originally Posted by NancyH. View Post
    My son's last trip 3 months before his accident was to Dublin. He loved it there and the people he met have become good friends. :d
    I made good friends there too. I offered ***** to introduce her. I think it's impossible for Americans to go to Ireland and make no friend. That is mainly why it was my fave.

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