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Thread: Blame :(

  1. #11
    Senior Member
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    My own brother shot me trying to kill me. There is no clearer picture of blame. But, but, but how did he become so lost, sick and confused without anyone noticing or caring enough to see it and try to help? How much can/should I be blaming him when his act so damaged him that he took his own life a few years later.

    Stop second-guessing the past and forgive yourself. It's the only healthy way for you to go.
    "The world will not perish for want of wonders but for want of wonder."
    J.B.S.Haldane

  2. #12
    My guess is that we're all members of this club because of a bad decision, wrong choice, unusual circumstances. The difference was that the ultimate outcome, which I doubt any one of us could have foreseen, was a permanent disability. Our fault? No, I don't think so. Random outcome, yes.

    I'll be attending a funeral today for a friend I've known for 15+ yrs. He was having stomach pains at the end of Sept., went to the doc early Oct. tests, tests, more tests. By mid-Nov they determined cancer which had spread to his liver and...you get the picture. He went home with a hospice nurse early December and died last Thurs. 50yrs old, 4 kids, etc. Fair? No. Random, Yes.

    It happens to be the third funeral this yr involving friends or co-workers. All three cancer. All between the ages of 45-50. Good people, leading good lives. Sad and random.

    As is quoted in Shawshank: "get busy living or get busy dying".

    Everyone here has a lot of living to do. Past is past. Move forward, create a future full of good decisions and realize that alot of what happens is out of your control. Control what you can from this day forward and accept the outcomes that are beyond your control. There will be many.


    Onward and upward everyone.

  3. #13
    Senior Member Timaru's Avatar
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    Becky, your "black dog" (as Winston Churchill called the depression that stalked him all his life) is snapping at your heels.

    When you've shaken it off you'll see you were in no way at fault for signing those consent papers.

    Everybody, to a lesser or greater extent is convinced they're not going to survive a medical procedure (It even happens to me at the dental hygienist), if everybody went with their gut feelings the hospitals would be empty!

  4. #14
    Quote Originally Posted by RehabRhino View Post
    Shoulda, woulda, coulda.
    .
    Everyone does it from time to time. I think about it almost every night. It can drive you crazy.Sometimes i can't stop thinking about the day of the accident, the accident, the guy who did this to me...... There is always someone who will listen to me. that's great! So, keep talking, here on cc/to friends, whatever.. Talking helps! Or smoke some weed, but i thought that's not aloud in the US?!

  5. #15
    Becky,

    I think all of us on this forum could blame ourselves for the injury that brought us here. My husband injured himself working a second job. Did he need to be working a second job, not really. He was working it b/c he was money hungry and I could spend money with the best of them!

    The first couple of days I sat their regretting it all and wanted to take it all back. I kept thinking to myself, what if.... But it doesn't work that way.

    You have to force yourself to move forward.
    Last edited by kap; 12-16-2008 at 05:01 PM.

  6. #16
    Super Moderator Sue Pendleton's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by bcsimpsons View Post
    I don't think he gets off as blameless. I do blame him too. I have tried to not blame myself because you are told all of the "neccessary" reasons that you need this that or the other. I just always keep going back to the fact that I didn't have to sign. Nobody was standing there with a gun to my head making me sign my name. True, I can't help that the doc was a complete moron. For some reason I can forgive him but not myself.

    Becky
    Almost all things medical come with possible, but normally very rare, complications. Before Wise started up Spinewire I knew 4 people with spinal strokes. One in rehab who had one as a result of cross clamping during heart surgery who was about a C4--most from heart surgery are T6 area. Two I met online in AOL's Equal Access Cafe. Both paralyzed around T10-L2 from epidurals for normal, vaginal births. And one I only knew through his sister, one of my outpatient PTs. He had an idiopathic stroke at C2. He was alive solely because was flirting with 2 nursing students at his rather ritzy university when he suddenly felt pain and very quickly passed out and went into respiratory arrest.

    The first three all signed consents with paralysis right there in print. The odds in open heart surgery are higher than other medical causes but why it was at the cervical level his daughter never got an answer for. The epidurals were done correctly. Randomly, the spinal fluid or cord goes hinky and shit happens.

    The last guy and I would love to know why we had strokes of the cord. I'd love someone to blame. Even if it was myself. I think like you I guess. But I realized my thinking was what was hinky when I tried blaming myself for bringing bad karma to my cord because I had decided on it being time to start a family. I mean my 3 siblings all died by age 18. I waited myself until I was over the magic 30 so I felt reasonably safe that I wasn't going to get hit by a sometimes hereditary condition from a parent. I tried blaming myself for wanting a baby when it was obvious, ok to me it was, that my line was meant to die out. So I would be a foreign service officer at the State Department now and be stationed somewhere civilized like Bratislava or Riga after some fun postings in the wilds of Ulan Bator, Mongolia or Cameroon first if only I had not wanted to start the "baby project" a week later on my 33rd birthday. Blame makes you crazy. It also ties up your brain cells with stupid stuff and you have other things you could be doing to enrich this world with your amazing brain.

    Lastly, doctors don't do punctures unless they need to Becky. They are one of the scariest things they learn to do as interns and residents. They worry about getting a clean specimen. They breathe like marksmen do so they don't cause the patient excruciating pain if they go in a couple milimeters too much to the left or right. They know there is little they can do for the 2 to 3 days of serious pain afterwards as the body replenishes the CSF. And no one wants to do them on children. So you can blame the doctor if he did a bad tap. Some do things wrong. It's a given. But that you needed one was probably right on. Maybe your gut was about the doc not the test. We don't always get to chose which doctor does what in hospitals and you were probably afraid also. May I ask why you had the puncture? But just for today let the blame go. When it enters your head in your mind scream "NO". If you're at home yell it out loud. Don't let that useless SOB in. Just for today.

    And find something fun to do today for whatever holiday you're preparing for. I do know the effort it takes. Not to mention an ice storm or snow your about to get if I heard correctly. Maybe shop for special ornaments to decorate a wreath. You'll probably have trees in the future and this is a way to start collecting ornaments meaningful to you. Maybe a few miniture instruments and some glass icicles. Or make some cookies. If you prefer making to eating I can PM an address of someone who would appreciate them. Got extra cards? I know some vets that live in a VA long term wing. Most are older and not many have family that is around much anymore. But it has to be something you feel is fun. And as LaMem says, "breathe".

    Sue
    Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, "I will try again tomorrow."

    Disclaimer: Answers, suggestions, and/or comments do not constitute medical advice expressed or implied and are based solely on my experiences as a SCI patient. Please consult your attending physician for medical advise and treatment. In the event of a medical emergency please call 911.

  7. #17
    Down into the darkness I fall
    I have tried to climb up
    but the hands to grab seem far away

    My heart leaps with excitement,
    as the darkness enfolds me
    it longs to be silent
    T8-9 according to latest scoring.......
    since 1/3/04

    I am the best at being me. No matter how that happens to be!!

  8. #18
    Not trying to be rude or hurtful but reading your last post I think you really need to look beyond this board and hook up with some professional help. Not saying the support you are getting here is not important or helpful. But there comes a point when a person really needs to take the steps to get more involved and appropriate help.

    I know it is hard, believe me I have been there myself. More than once. But I think you owe it to yourself and those in your life (friends, family) who love you to go get some help quickly. I am sure if you want, there would be people here willing to help you get connected with the appopriate help resources available in your community so you wouldn't even have to do it alone.

  9. #19
    I think we play the blame game in order to claim control. Crap happens, blaming yourself will not cure you. "What-ifs" only muddies the water. Breathe deep, focus on whats ahead not whats behind. You can only affect what will happen, not what has happen.

  10. #20
    I don't have anybody to blame because it just happened. And I still don't know why. My parents were blaming me from the first day and never stopped. They were sure I had done something and didn't tell them. So I blamed myself.

    Three years ago my father died and my mother was placed in the nursing home and then I understood I did not have to blame myself anymore. And it was a relief, I don't understand why I did not stop my parents accusing me for all those years. Even doctors have been blaming me for not knowing what happened

    And anyway, it is nobody who hasn't done those thing that went wrong for so many. I have been driving after drinking a beer, I have been diving, I have been biking, I have been climbing trees. I hope everybody can stop blaming themself or other. It is just bad luck and somebody has to have bad luck for the rest of the world to see how lucky they are.

    And Becky, you are lucky, you are a t11-12 incomplete like me. The more I read here, the more lucky I feel, it could have been so much worse.
    TH 12, 43 years post

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