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Thread: To stay or to stray...

  1. #1

    To stay or to stray...

    This is a hard question and ultimately, I can only make the decision myself but I'd appreciate another's point of view - good or bad. I just need honesty. This is what I feel and I can't help it.

    I was dating my boyfriend for 9 months prior to his accident. We have a fairly good relationship though his mind was always in the future and deals anger issues (sudden outbrusts of cruel remarks, but he is getting better). We have our differences but for the most part, we have a deep unsaid connection.

    9 months after his incident, I am here looking for answers and support. It has been a hell of a ride. I honestly love him more since the accident - not sure why - maybe it was my way of collateral for him to get better or maybe a deeper realization? I am a naturally caring person and I know he needs me more than ever. I want to be there for him. Now, yes. In the future? I am not sure. I just turned 27.

    I'm wondering, if you were in my situation, single, no kids, independent, is it worth staying around for the long haul? I may want to have kids in the next few years (I don't know if he can). I want to have sex. I miss it alot. He's in too much pain to even think about it. I want to travel. Even if he is well, he doesn't. I want to do many things. I know he doesn't - even if he is well. So in conclusion, if he was able bodied, I will still live an independent life. I like compaionship and I like to share my life with my someone who is here with me now in this moment.

    I know I can't have my cake and eat it too. I'm willing to compromise. But now I feel, I am giving up even more given his situation. I feel alone most days. We talk sometimes but he already has enough to deal with.

    I know its too soon to be deciding but I am not making a decision right now. I am just pondering.. wondering.. what would you do?

  2. #2
    Are you wanting him to read thisor us? You said you shared an account here. Maybe you should talk to him directly instead of through a forum.
    He is very newly injured. It takes a long time to adjust to something like this. He most likely can still have kids.
    I think your decision is made you just want to hear it from someone else. It seems maybe you were unhappy before this.

  3. #3
    Senior Member kate's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by gunami View Post
    I'm wondering, if you were in my situation, single, no kids, independent, is it worth staying around for the long haul? I may want to have kids in the next few years (I don't know if he can). I want to have sex. I miss it alot. He's in too much pain to even think about it. I want to travel. Even if he is well, he doesn't. I want to do many things. I know he doesn't - even if he is well. So in conclusion, if he was able bodied, I will still live an independent life. I like compaionship and I like to share my life with my someone who is here with me now in this moment.
    Here's what I think.

    There's a serious shortage of people to have quality relationships with in this world. You don't have to figure out the exact nature of your relationship with this man after 18 months -- it would be unusual to be fully certain even without the complication of sci.

    With that complication, neither of you is going to be able to think straight about the long term, because sci just does not settle down that quickly.

    If I were you I would find a quality therapist to talk this through with. I would be 100% honest with that person. I would want to know that I was not propping up my ego by becoming irreplaceable to someone with serious needs. I would want to know that I had the unbelievable patience that having an sci partner sometimes requires.

    I had been married to my husband for 14 years when he got hurt, and so I already knew what was in him, and what was in our marriage. There was never a shadow of a question in my mind about whether we could pull through -- and I still needed the help of a very terrific therapist to keep me sane.

    I'm saying . . . slow it down, take your time, be truthful, and be kind to both yourself and him. It sounds like you're the sort of woman who can do all that and more.

  4. #4
    Senior Member flicka's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by gunami View Post
    This is a hard question and ultimately, I can only make the decision myself but I'd appreciate another's point of view - good or bad. I just need honesty. This is what I feel and I can't help it.
    Leave him. If you have doubts now, you will have more down the line. If you stay with him just because you don't want to hurt him, you will always regret it.

    It is not easy for a relationship to survive without the added complication of spinal cord injury. You two don't sound compatible without this additional burden. Step aside and allow him to find someone who wants to share his life; complicated as it will be.
    ____________________

    "We are the ones we've been waiting for. We are the change that we seek."
    - Barack Obama

  5. #5
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    Its funny, this showed up in my browser right next to the thread about wheelz1989, whose girlfriend who cheated on him.

    You phrased the title about straying, I think if you decide this relationship isn;t for you, you should be upfront with him, and not stray. Even if he isn;t interested in what you are, he deserves the courtesy of knowing your feelings.

    I too am wondering why you are posting this here, where you both use this account. I would expect he would see this, so I am assuming you are discussing this?

    One thing I do want to say, is that from what you described in an earlier thread, I remember telling you that he will soon be a lot more able than he is now. Someone at his level will usually be very independent. (I think you said something about his needing a lot of care and was very dependent on you?) So that part of the relationship is only temporary.
    Last edited by sjean423; 11-04-2008 at 12:36 AM.
    T7-8 since Feb 2005

  6. #6
    L,

    I saw this thread pop up shortly after receiving your last pm and considered posting, but then felt awkward sharing my 2 cents, since I am a person with SCI, and not a caregiver. But since others didn't share that hesitation, I'm going to jump in.

    I think that the 1st year after the injury is a time of tremendous change; for both you and for J. With all these ups and downs and rollercoaster of emotions, it's absolutely normal for you to have uncertainty about the future. J is mourning the loss of his able-bodied self; you're mourning that loss too. Things will take time to settle down into a new sense of normalcy. You're going to need to find a way to express, define and verbalize your feelings, regardless of your decision (to leave or to stay). You might gain insights from seeing a counselor. I wish you two the best.
    Daniel

  7. #7
    Thanks for everyone's kind and thoughtful comments. First, we do share this account in a sense that he wants me to post topics that he wants to discuss in the forum but he doesn't log on to it. He just asks me what others have replied. Second, I have spoken to him about this subject before. He understands and actually told me that I should and can leave any time. He knows we have both lost a lot and its a difficult situation being that we are not married and I am not obligated.

    He is able to take care of himself 90% of the time. He can be even more independent if there were more remodelings done. I said he should get better in the future because he still has a fracture at the original break - so there is still intense pain which limits his abilities. After the surgery, I can only cross my fingers.

    If I do decide to leave in the future, I'm not gonna just blink and be gone. We have a deeper connection than that and he knows. He is just grateful for my being there and I am grateful that he is alive.

    I guess I do need to speak with a counselor. Last time we went, I started crying a lot. It's really tough... it's one thing when I think of it alone, and it's another when I talk to someone in person - like a slap of reality in the face.

    Is this the life I want, and is he the one I want to be with? I agree with the person who said there aren't many people in the world who we are compatible with. I have no regrets to this day, everything happens for a reason and I am glad he is a part of it.

    And there is a definite difference for a couple who was already married - they have already made a committment. And I admire that deeply and I suppose my being here still is relative. I feel I wasn't given a choice, I was just thrown in. I feel cheated somehow..

  8. #8
    http://sci.rutgers.edu/forum/showpos...07&postcount=1
    Sometimes he does? or you just pretend to be him?
    Anyway I hope that you get things worked out. Talking to someone outside of the situation can be helpful. If you want to travel and he doesn't then you have to decide is that a big enough issue. Do you mind going alone? Does he mind you going alone?

  9. #9

    wow..

    This has left me sad... sad to not know if this is a valid feeling and sad to wonder if this is a valid thread. Love is more than a physical appearance...Love is what you feel and understand of ones heart. Love is the way someone makes you feel, not always physically. You know when it is and you don't question it... here or anywhere.

  10. #10
    I too have questioned and have been torn at times ... I am in love and it's what keeps me here but I miss soo many things. In any relationship you make comprimises ... me and my husband have made some and many are sci related. I have never questioned whether or not I love him - I have considered the sacrifices and made a choice. It is not always easy and I have shed tears over a certain issue that is a constant in our relationship but I made a choice and commited. If you would like to talk more PM me .. I know it's not easy - Chantale

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