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Thread: To stay or to stray...

  1. #11

  2. #12
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2007
    last house on the left
    Over the years I have changed from a hopless romantic to pretty much of a pragmatist now. If you even have to ask the question "stay or stray?" the answer should be self-evident. This is not a question someone asks unless there is stress in the relationship. If you feel trapped and that you are sacrificing, you need to leave. You will not be doing yourself, or him, a favor by staying for any other reason.

  3. #13
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Sep 2005
    In your nightmares
    Talk things over. Give it some time. Still don't like the way things are then leave the dude.

  4. #14
    I'm curious as to why this isn't in the relationship forum?

    Be that as it may, I side with Eileen as a pragmatist. I was married before my injury and subsequently divorced. Not for the same reasons but the net result is the same.

    Given that you're 27 and from what you post a bit idealistic my advice would be to seperate from him albeit slowly. I'm not sure who's more co-dependent here and I'm not being mean or harsh just objective. The feelings you have now of loss (intimacy, travel, family, etc.) between the two of you will, imo, only grow and ultimately divide you. You mentioned anger management issues, his unwillingness to participate (e.g. wants you to read replies), difficulty with getting himself to 100% independent, etc. What he needs and you need are space and time to figure out and answer all of your concerns. You sound like a very caring individual and very committed to this. But what is this? Where is it going? Is it improving? What are you both willing to sacrifice and compromise?

    Ultimately, being in a relationship for the wrong reasons is simply that - wrong. Do yourself and him a favor, create some distance, spend some time with your family and friends and try to get a clearer head - you owe it to yourself. At this point you sound like you're going back and forth. So, stop, take a break. Think, use introspection, talk it over, try and stay even keeled and the answers will reveal themselves.

    SCI is a tremendous adjustment for everyone. You, as is he, are entitled to your feelings, responses, reactions, etc. I applaud you for seeking assistance but I think in your heart you already know the answer.

    Best to both of you.

  5. #15
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2006
    Paying more attention to your first post, it kind of sounds like at 9 months, you weren;t too compatible, and probably would have split already if he hadn;t gotten hurt?

    You might want to do a search on posts in R&S ..... there are 2 going on rwhat others feel about this.

    You are his paid caregiver as well aren;t you? That would complicate things if he continues to need someone.
    T7-8 since Feb 2005

  6. #16
    Moderator Obieone's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2001
    Quote Originally Posted by gunami View Post
    I'm wondering, if you were in my situation, single, no kids, independent, is it worth staying around for the long haul? I may want to have kids in the next few years (I don't know if he can). I want to have sex. I miss it alot. He's in too much pain to even think about it. I want to travel. Even if he is well, he doesn't. I want to do many things. I know he doesn't - even if he is well. So in conclusion, if he was able bodied, I will still live an independent life. I like companionship and I like to share my life with my someone who is here with me now in this moment.

    Hi gunami

    I'm going to sound like a Mom here but ... well ... I am one .. so here goes ..... I'm thinking based on this one sentence I'd ask you this .... is this what you want from a relationship?? to live independently from each other?? really??? .... .... I know the sci complicates things but don't stay just because you feel bad. If you can continue to be just friends then do that and be there for him but I have a pretty good feeling this relationship was not working to start with and I have a feeling you already knew that ! I wish you both all the best .....

    ~ Be the change you wish to see in the world ~ Mahatma Gandi

    " calling all Angels ...... calling all Angels ....walk me through this one .. don't leave me alone .... calling all Angels .... calling all Angels .... we're tryin' and we're hopin' cause we're not sure how ....... this .... goes ..."
    Jane Siberry

  7. #17
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2001
    Melbourne, FL USA

    It will take him longer to adjust then you may want to wait. If he doesn't want to continue the fight and love himself for himself, then he won't be able to love you and embrace life or a relationship with all its facets.

    A year and a half is a very short time. When he forgives himsel is when it will be possible.

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