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Thread: Grieving Our Losses

  1. #11
    Senior Member Kratos's Avatar
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    If I could have my wasted days back
    I'd use them to get back on track
    Tried to warn
    Karma's burning
    Look ahead but keep on turning
    Do I have the strength to know how I'll go?
    Can I find it inside to do what I should have known?
    Can I have my wasted days back?
    I'd use them to get back on track......
    i used to grieve alot, i used to kill the pain with alcohol and bad lyrics.
    now i'm trying to kill SCI every tucking day, i fight, i hit hard and i hit to kill.
    http://www.facebook.com/ivicamaotze.rod

  2. #12
    Senior Member darrel's Avatar
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    I was scared shitless the first few days, then I kidded around for about a month while in the hospital then after I got home it started to sink in, hey I am like this for the rest of my life. Then the anger mode hit. I still go through my fits at times. I went through the depression bout for some time. I finally got on line and started coming on to these sites for answers and support about a year after the fall (this is the only site I frequent now). I am now in the accepance mode but I still fall back and get upset, mostly at my self for not being able to do simple things as I used to. I have ended up back in the hospital once for trying to do something that was easy for me at one time now almost impossible now due to lack of mussle tone.
    So yes, I would say that I have gone through all the phases.
    Denial...was my kidding around.
    Anger...still have my moments, but brief and not as harsh.
    Depression...lasted for close to a year, now I have my moments of it but not as bad.
    Acceptance...I have accepted this new way of life the best that I can, I still have my moments though.

  3. #13
    Senior Member Mona~on~wheels's Avatar
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    Yes I mourned big time. Cryed and cryed and cryed.
    I was very physical. I ran & exercised 4-5 days a week.
    I worked out 1 1/2 hrs & ran 6 miles that morning.
    I always got up around 4-5am every morning.
    It was so hard to wait till someone came 7-8am to get me up.
    Not to be able to
    throw my leg off the side of the bed & get up was torture!
    Now I mourn not being the mother & grandmother I want to be.
    I held my 11th grandchild (Chloe 6 wks) yesterday afternoon.
    I'm great with her at 6 wks old.
    But I wanna go to the park and swing them.
    Throw them up in the air & catch them.
    I wanna pop popcorn and snuggle up on the couch
    and watch kiddie movies together.
    Comb their air. Go to their sports.
    I don't have the money for a vehicle so I miss out on alot.
    But I know I can't. So I live with what I can do.
    They love me as I am, so I do too.
    But I wish it was different. kwim?

  4. #14
    Senior Member alan's Avatar
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    I mourn pains having denied me a life, and loss of ability to do the ADLs I could do, and the ability to learn and do more. Quadhood didn't do that - I grieve it taking my hands, legs, and all it did take, but it didn't deny me a life. I don't know how I'd feel now at 27.5 years post without the upper back and abdominal aspects of the pains and their effects on me, but I know my life would have been much different (I'd probably have some semblance of one), thus my attitude now would be different.
    Alan

    Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

  5. #15
    I never grieved at first, But know theres not a day that goes by that I'm not reminded that my lower body don't work.
    Mary
    I want to Rock you Gypsy soul and together we will flow into the Mystic.
    Van Morrison

  6. #16
    I think maybe I still am grieving, but I distract myself. I threw myself into the cure fight pretty hard. My Graves disease is a direct result of stress, and Graves can usually be traced to a major loss. I used to think it was caused by losing my brother in 2004, but looking back now, I think it was year 2000 taking its due. I was working, taking night classes, was a wife and mom, traveling a lot. Got SCI'd the same night my bff's hubs died of a heart attack. My husband's job of 25 years vanished when they sold the pipeline, a week or 2 post my SCI. He could take a job with a company in Houston (where we were) or in Oklahoma.

    We were debating this job situation one day, I'd been home from rehab a week or so, when my 11 year old went to the grocery store for a candy bar. I told him "Come straight home!" He called from the store and said "Mom, the police won't let me come straight home. There's a guy with a gun in the parking lot."

    Sent Steve up there, and it was true. Some poor suicidal soul, meant nobody else any harm, but we had no way of knowing that. Could just as easily have been somebody w/ an automatic weapon, looking to go all Columbine in the Kroger's store. 2 months before, I'd have hopped on my bicycle, gone up the greenbelt and seen wth was happening. At that time, I could only beg Steve to hurry.

    So I decided Houston was a bit much for a new quad and we decided to be Okies. Stock market had crashed, wasn't a good time to sell the house. Steve had to go to OK to get to work in Jan (I was injured in Aug). Jake (age 11) and I stayed in TX. I was doing suspended treadmill training at the Houston VA. House was on the market. Steve's 20 year old son moved to TX and lived with us, because we needed somebody who could drive in the house! He was a mixed blessing, one more slob upstairs where I couldn't go when you're trying to sell a house = not so great...At that time Jake, age 11, and the neighbor across the street may have been more useful!

    I'm just saying, in long-winded way, it was a long and difficult year. Maybe that is why I'm still reeling occasionally, 8 years later. Jake was in a bad car wreck this weekend and I think some of my reaction may be from me STILL not having dealt w/ the year 2000...

    I was blessed then in so many ways, and I knew it. Still do. Doesn't make me regret what I lost any less, though. I didn't WANT to be a cure advocate, although I'm proud of the work I do. Didn't WANT to learn adaptive scuba diving. The old way was awesome, tyvm. I didn't NEED to prove to myself that I was tough, strong and flexible. I thought that had been sufficiently tested, y'know? My marriage went thru a million kinds of hell. My family, my kids, parents, friendships... none of them deserved to be tested to this degree, above and beyond any reasonable expectations. I was pretty sure they were golden, and I was ok with that.

    I can't tell which health problems and other problems are SCI-related, or aging, or due to surface eventually. I can say I'd have been ok never finding out. All the wonderful impressive kind people I've met would have been just as happy never crossing my path, and vice-versa.

    In short (LOL-FINALLY!):

    I guess we always grieve, because SCI is an ongoing condition, not an accident or terminal illness. Those things, given the passage of time, allow survivors to heal. The same can't be said of SCI. It just, given the passage of time, forces you to grow old with a disabled body that has already survived far too much. You learn to cope, you go thru the stages to the degree you can, but we can't heal in straight stages like Kubler-Ross suggested...because it is with us every minute of every day. Like it or not, I AM my spinal cord injury. Arguing otherwise is delusional.

  7. #17
    Thanks to those who have contributed so far. I've been grieving really hard for the past 16 months and sometimes I think it's getting worse instead of better. I cycle through the Kubler-Ross stuff, but I (like many of you) don't believe it's a linear process.

    There are things I miss so much and waves of sadness that flow over me causing tears to well up in my eyes. I know it's all "normal." I guess I started this thread partly to quench recent feelings of loneliness. Maybe I just need to have some really good cries...I think it'll take more than just one.
    "The truth will set you free. But first, it will piss you off." -Gloria Steinem

  8. #18
    I Joked around about since the beginning and never let anyone assume it bothered me. i think i took a few months and it started sinking in that this is me. I normally dont even think about it. I have some really good friends that dont let nothing stop me from doing what ever ii want, and honestly i forget that im in a wheelchair most of the time, but when i do realize it again it can really bother me.

    I'll never accept this injury, but in a way i know that if this injury hadnt happened i could have killed myself my now as i was heading down a bad road, and took everything for granted, I look back now and wonder if i would have been this financially secure at this time if it wasnt for my injury or if i would of stopped partying constantly and gettin in shit and as much as i say i would have i know i would still be jumping from job to job, partying everynight, and just doing whatever not listening to anyone. So as horrible as SCI is it straightened me up in a hurry, and made me realize that im not invinsible.

  9. #19
    I still have my little problems (b&b) but im slowly learning to keep them under control, and never try to let them keep me down, just keep my head up and keep on wheeling forward.

  10. #20
    Moderator jody's Avatar
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    I never grieved about the accident. other things I lost because of it maybe. recently, two days ago, I began by request to work on a cat stevens tune. I found I could not sing it without bursting into tears. I tried several times each time not getting through the first line. I could hear my daughter crying too from behind the wall. at that moment I heard, really heard what I was trying to sing. if I ever lost my legs I wont moan and I wont beg..........I think I spent all this time being thankful It wasnt worse, like a complete injury or higher, that I didnt cross that issue with myself until just then. it may be because I had two brothers in law who were complete. first hand knowledge of worse than me. so when it happened, the breakdown, I was taken by surprise.

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