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Thread: Grieving Our Losses

  1. #1

    Grieving Our Losses

    Alot of researchers believe that grieving follows a specific process such as: denial, anger, bargaining (with god, etc.), depression, and acceptance. Most of the research on grief has been done in relation to death. I suspect that people grieve in similar ways after traumatic, life-altering injuries or illnesses. I'm interested in people's reactions to this idea. So.....

    Did you grieve after your SCI?

    What SCI-related loss(es) do/did you grieve most?


    How do you grieve (or how have you grieved)?

    How long did your grieving last after your SCI?
    "The truth will set you free. But first, it will piss you off." -Gloria Steinem

  2. #2
    Quote Originally Posted by Danine View Post
    Alot of researchers believe that grieving follows a specific process such as: denial, anger, bargaining (with god, etc.), depression, and acceptance. Most of the research on grief has been done in relation to death. I suspect that people grieve in similar ways after traumatic, life-altering injuries or illnesses. I'm interested in people's reactions to this idea. So.....

    Did you grieve after your SCI?

    What SCI-related loss(es) do/did you grieve most?


    How do you grieve (or how have you grieved)?

    How long did your grieving last after your SCI?

    I grieved and it was not straight line Kubler-Ross grieving where I went through the stages and that was that. I don't believe grieving goes straight line for most people. It does not for me.

    I'm not sure what I grieved most because I had multiple nearly simultaneous losses. My marriage came undone, although at this point in my life I look back and it was a good thing. I no longer worked full-time within a year or so post SCI. I grieved the body I'd had even though I'd never had an ab body. I'd still lost the one I'd always known.

    I grived the absence of no pain. I grieved the loss of function. I grieved the stares which were more numerous than I'd ever had with just cerebral pasy. I grieved my old life. I wanted it back.

    I grieved in spurts and do to this day. I'd grieve when it was quiet and no one was around. I'm not one to feel my losses in public so much. When I cried it was when I was alone. When I could finally shower alone I often used my shower time to cry. My h2o bills went up (seriously) during this time, but it was worth it and was my safe place to grieve.

    I did not grieve well. I had physical pain as many of us do and got into a pain management program. I was prescribed benzos and opiates and took those. I drank with the meds and became a rather messy being. It delayed and even added to the grieving I needed to do. I finally got sober. If I keep doing what I need to do each day November 5th will make another year of sobriety.

    I'm not sure when I stopped grieving. There are times I still want to say ef it all, but those days are fewer than the ones I'm glad to be alive. I hope it stays that way.

  3. #3
    Senior Member
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    Yes I did grieve and still do.
    I am not sure what the thing I miss most is-every day seems to be a reminder of what I can't do. I am constantly telling myself to look at what I can do. I can still do most everything-just different. Some days this battle is quiet, some days it is pretty loud and messy. I am finding that the quiet battle days are becoming more frequent. How I deal with these feelings? I don't know-I just do.

  4. #4
    Oh ya for sure I grieved, SCI is like the death of your own body, loosing something you cherish and is very important to you.
    "Life is about how you
    respond to not only the
    challenges you're dealt but
    the challenges you seek...If
    you have no goals, no
    mountains to climb, your
    soul dies".~Liz Fordred

  5. #5
    Super Moderator Sue Pendleton's Avatar
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    I'm sure my rehab shrink will love this. Hi Sam! :-') I don't bargain and the day I accept this, like the day I ever start watching soap operas, is the day you'll all be argueing over if I just gave it another 16 years...

    I hit depressed and normally don't stay long. It pisses me off. I mean both being depresed and the SCI crap pisses me off. Then I get motivated to try and figure out how to get a reasonable cure for me and everyone else off the ground again.

    I did my major grieving by getting super pissed off about year 2 when I realized I wasn't sick I was, gasp!, disabled. I was not a nice person to be around about then. I'm glad my husband, folks, friends and PTs put up with me during that time. Of course I still grieve. Duh! I want nothing short of my autonomy back. All of it. Except for what the damn jam up in the blood flow to my cord did to my body I've aged rather well. Now I'd like my body back. I don't want to pay some guy to come rake the leaves for us. I want to do it and then jump in the piles with Maggie. Still pisses me off that neighbors will pay for a gym membership and then buy noisey leaf blowers.

    And yea, I'd like to help my folks more and I can't. They don't really need money they need physical help around the house.
    Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, "I will try again tomorrow."

    Disclaimer: Answers, suggestions, and/or comments do not constitute medical advice expressed or implied and are based solely on my experiences as a SCI patient. Please consult your attending physician for medical advise and treatment. In the event of a medical emergency please call 911.

  6. #6
    Losing my hand function was the worst. I used to play guitar and bass and the fact I can't do that anymore made me very depressed. Then I read Joni Eareckson's book about a diving accident that left her a quad. She had the patience and persistence to draw with her mouth and became incredible! I wasn't nearly as good but art therapy at mount sinai inspired me to try the arts again. I'm now hoping to get my hands on some music programs to delve into my inner musician again.

  7. #7
    I am still grieving always will.
    My mouth is like a magician's hat, never know what might come out of it.

  8. #8
    It's ten years later and I'm still grieving my losses and always will. I not only lost my freedom and independence but also my cousin and I can't just accept this and move on.
    Dave
    C5/C6 complete
    http://www.davegrotzinger.com
    http://www.daves-webdesign.com

    "I knew all the rules but the rules did not know me guaranteed..." - Eddie Vedder

  9. #9
    Senior Member soonerborn's Avatar
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    I'm new to SCI its been a year and a half and I have met some people in chairs for 20 years and they all say the same thing (I will never accept or come to terms with being in a chair). I dont know if I have come to terms with it I know I just have to use the chair to get around, but its everything else like cathing and BM's and stairs that make me depressed that im not the person that I used to be. Does or has anyone really accepted this new life that has been given to us?

  10. #10
    Senior Member Van Quad's Avatar
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    I don't remember grieving. I remember working constantly to assure friends and family that it wasn't the end of the world or the end of me.

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