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Thread: So are you/they able to do?

  1. #41
    My husband had to go to work in another state. Friends stayed for a month. My 11 yr old and I coped, my 20 year old showed up (mixed blessing.) I also had to get to outpatient rehab, riding the Red Cross bus everyday. They always forgot me and left me at the VA. That was my life the first 9 months post sci.

    By the end of that marathon, we were all tougher-and closer-than we'd have thought possible. In a way, it was hardest on the hubs. He had to sit in Oklahoma and WORRY.

    Luckily, I'd had 8 weeks of good, inpatient rehab. I was still a quad, but a quad w. some clue about what I could do if pushed to the wall. I was pushed to that wall over and over.

    Necessity is the mother of invention. Necessity is a mother ******. Ppl do what they have to do. I'm glad your BIL is spending more time w/ his kids. They will remember that.

  2. #42
    When I first came here I started 2 other threads. On post number 8 of one thread I wrote (in capital letters) YOU GUYS ARE SO NICE AND HELPFUL. Well, now most of you are but I didn't really come hear to get lessons enabling. I really just wanted an open place where I could vent my feelings and move on, but I can see that having a place where caregivers could go to vent isn't really what this place is about. Thank you for all the ones that actually gave helpful advice and weren't rude to me. I like the advice you gave about actually having him see if he can reach the microwave and have him show me if he can do it. That would be a good way to do it without being rude about it. I probably won't start anymore threads here.

  3. #43
    Senior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by abcboys
    I really just wanted an open place where I could vent my feelings and move on, but I can see that having a place where caregivers could go to vent isn't really what this place is about.
    It really is supposed to be what this place is about. There is a private caregivers forum where you could post, but you really shouldn't have to do that.

    People want to tell you what you "should" be doing and what he "should" be doing. Suggestions are welcome, but judgment isn't. Unfortunately sometimes you get judgment. I hope you can skip over that part, because there is lots of good info here. There are many amazing stories of what people have overcome, and lots of good ideas to make life a little easier.

    Everyone's stories are so different, there is never one definitive answer. You will have to find what works for you and your family ~ and you will.

    I would suggest keeping an open mind about your brother in law's depression. It would be quite amazing if he wasn't somewhat depressed ~ his accident is very recent. He may just be good at hiding it. Hopefully in time he will find more confidence and be more independent and you will all have more freedom. Your living situation at the moment must be fairly difficult for everyone.

    Keep coming back!! (haha, that's from al-anon) And start a thread any-old-time you want to.

    All the best.

    Shelley

  4. #44
    Quote Originally Posted by abcboys
    When I first came here I started 2 other threads. On post number 8 of one thread I wrote (in capital letters) YOU GUYS ARE SO NICE AND HELPFUL. Well, now most of you are but I didn't really come hear to get lessons enabling. I really just wanted an open place where I could vent my feelings and move on, but I can see that having a place where caregivers could go to vent isn't really what this place is about. Thank you for all the ones that actually gave helpful advice and weren't rude to me. I like the advice you gave about actually having him see if he can reach the microwave and have him show me if he can do it. That would be a good way to do it without being rude about it. I probably won't start anymore threads here.
    There is a private caregivers forum here at CC which you may wish to subscribe to. It's not open to the board in general so that means most of us (SCIers) won't read it, only caregivers or those granted special permission. You may feel more comfortable posting there about what's happening if what you're wanting to do is to vent.

    Asking what a person should be able to do at a specific level seemed to be asking for info. Here at CC, as with any other public message board, that usually means a variety of info which may or may not pertain to you and your situation.

    When you post in other threads outside the private one in the future and just want to vent you may wish to note that at the beginning of your posts/threads so you will not get input which may or may not be useful to you.

    Best to you and your family.

  5. #45
    Quote Originally Posted by abcboys

    My question is, yes I realize its hard to do everyday things but shouldn't he at least attempt to do some of this on his own? He's not working or anything right now so he has time to work on that stuff. I know I heard him say that theres no way he can cook because he can't reach the stove? Yet, I heard several people on here say they live independently and do all this on their own, or mostly. Like I said he's T12 and doesn't have any other health conditions. What do you all think?
    Perhaps it was the above that led us to be so vocal with our opinions. Don't let us run you off but expect all kinds of replies if you ask what people think.

  6. #46
    I don't think enabler is a bad name. Or if it is, ppl sure call me lots of bad names...You ask what he can do. The answer is nothing, until somebody makes him. Sorry that feels judgmental to you. Did you recognize yourself in that list? It wasn't meant to be a criticism. Sorry you took it that way.

    How many times have we had this dance? You ask, we answer, you get your feelings hurt. 3 times, maybe? Is it even remotely possible that we're telling you the truth, not trying to be mean?

    When I want to be mean, I excel. That wasn't my intent. Sorry you always take it that way. I'll just quit responding and everybody else can tell you what you want to hear.

  7. #47
    Senior Member
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    I'm sorry you feel that way, like the others I thought you were looking for suggestions. YOU are the one that is getting stuck with all this at home. Your b-i-l seems to expect you to take care of him (was he like this before too?) and you husband expects you to do it, and his kids expect you to ..... not sure how much longer you can do it all, but if you continue to do it, nothing will change.

    You certainly have something to vent about! But it sounded to me like you wanted ideas as well.

    I hope it gets a little easier for you at home.
    T7-8 since Feb 2005

  8. #48
    Senior Member fishin'guy's Avatar
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    This guy needs to move to a farm, he could make some money they way he's MILKING ya.

  9. #49
    Quote Originally Posted by addiesue
    Don't let us run you off but expect all kinds of replies if you ask what people think.
    Right, right, because if someone asks what you "think" that is an open invitation to spew the most negative, derogatory thoughts that one has. Civil or pragmatic communication? Fuck that!

    C.

  10. #50
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    Quote Originally Posted by sjean423
    I'm sorry you feel that way, like the others I thought you were looking for suggestions.
    Suggestions were requested. Do you think suggestions were what she got?

    Sounded more like judgment to me.

    If you were sitting over coffee with someone and they were relaying a situation at home, would you just automatically start listing all the things they were doing wrong? Would you start analyzing their family memebers and diagnosing them? Or would you make some "suggestions" as to how they may work through their situation?

    (and I'm not directly this at you sjean).

    The tone of the answers here sounded very judgmental to me. Given the very small amount of information we have about this person and her family.

    I don't think she was being over sensitive at all. It sounded like finger pointing.

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