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Thread: The mistakes I made...

  1. #21
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    I suppose you have to have some of it early on. My dad was quiet, still, unless pushed to the very max. I remember in his last years before he died, he would watch tv with his eyes closed. He heard everything. We would just sit together and not need to talk, just listen. I think I have grown tired and have learned to pick my battles. And I don't take many things personally. Breathe

    The thing I am having to learn to work on is my physical pain. Lifting and all of the physical things required of me leaves me in almost constant unbearable pain.

  2. #22
    Moderator Obieone's Avatar
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    Shabu .... what is the cause of your physical pain ..... perhaps some PT for you, massage therapy?? .... maybe too much lifting ! Maybe if we put our heads together can help you find a solution ??

    Obieone

  3. #23
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    Shabu I'm sorry your'e hurting so badly! For that kind of pain, which sounds like overuse pain to me, I get massage therapy and go to the chiropractor....mind you not as much as I NEED, but when I DO get to go....I'm thinking WHY did I not do this sooner? Especially the massage therapy...when you are the one giving all the caregiving touches, it's nice to have some touching YOU for a change. Taking care of YOUR needs for a change. Of course, there may be another cause for your pain, but it just sounds too familiar to me. If you can't get out to get therapy, have you tried soaking in a warm tub of Epsom salt? That does wonders for my aches and pains...temporary fix, but nice while it's happening.

  4. #24
    Carol, you sound so much like me I'm wondering if you're my long lost twin or something. The one really important thing I'm learning everyday (have to keep reminding myself) is that I am not Superhuman, cannot fix everyone's problems (sure would like to though), have to communicate even when I think what needs to be communicated might hurt the recipient. Even though it is sooooooooo difficult- because I've been the problem solver, protector of the innocent and righter of wrongs for so long it's second nature- I've found it very freeing.

    For me I think it's about trust. Do I trust the people I love enough to be able to handle the good the bad and the ugly? If I try to protect them from the truth then I must not trust them. And really, how egotistical am I to think that I can handle/deal with things better than them? And I am not an island, neither are you. We all need each other. Ever notice those hermits are all "off their nut"? Doesn't matter how much money they have, when you seperate yourself, physically or psychologically, you lose something vital.

    It's a very hard lesson to learn. Something in us wants to "keep the peace" and we think we can do it but then we find out the hard way that we were really only burdening ourselves and creating more of a mess with the secrets.

    I will tell the truth, albeit in a loving way, all the time, until it becomes the habit and withholding (which is a lie, IMO) is so foreign I couldn't force myself to do it for anything.

    Hope this makes sense. You are a great lady and I'm glad to know you. Hang in there and stop beating yourself up. If there's something you don't like about yourself, change it. Don't even try to change the evil sisters, remember they "don't get it" and it's unlikely they ever will.

    Jewel

  5. #25
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    Jewel, thank you, thank you, from the bottom of my heart. What you said about trust...I think that's the crux of it. No trust on any side in my family. What I recently (okay over a long period of time) discovered about myself is that some people don't love me because of ME, but because I am a PEOPLE PLEASER. I found out that when I no longer whole heartedly AGREED with the family status quo and began living for ME and MY FAMILY (just me and Ray in it) that I was no longer accepted. I was no longer the sweet, agreeable baby sister. I had a brain, I had a life, I had a mouth that said, "No More!" and so I became unloveable. I trusted these people to love me no matter what. THEY trusted me to keep playing my part of People Pleaser. Love in my family I have found is not a freely given thing...it's used as a tool...reward with love, punish by witholding it....and that's not love...that's crazy.

    I have to trust my family in that they can be no better than they are. That is what I wanted from them and did not get it...I wanted them to TRUST ME when I said, "I am doing all I can"..I can't expect from them, what I can't give myself. I wanted them to be better than they ARE. Like me, they can only be WHAT they are. My witholding the truth from them, any of them, is only to create more distrust. No one may want to hear what I have to say, but it will be the TRUTH. I know I have not been perfect in my actions, but what hurts me so much is that I have TRIED so hard to be helpful, and when I could not be, I found out what my true value was to them...chauffer, sitter, maid, errand boy. Not someone who was loved "no matter what".

    But that is a good thing to find out. Now I know who truly loves me...my husband, my good 'sis, and my sweet little Mama. They trust me and I trust them, so that is a good place to start. I am blessed!

    None of this may make sense, but it felt good to write it! Thanks Jewel...you are indeed a jewel! By the way, Ray's middle name is Jewell!...as was his dad's and still is his grandfather's!! I'm surrounded by jewels!!

    peace! Carol

  6. #26
    Was it Ann Landers who said something like "Nobody can take advantage of you unless you let them"? Unfortunately, that idea doesn't always translate well in family situations. I tend to think that when we're dealing with a sister, brother, mother , father - whoever- that we believe if we just keep giving a little more that sooner or later they'll start giving back. Just doesn't always work that way. With my sisters, I reached a point where I had to learn to set boundaries. They had to do their thing, but I didn't have to accept it - nor did I have to accept their definition of who I should be.

    I have a theory that people expect others to behave as they do. If they are untrustworthy, selfish, greedy , controlling or manipulative - they will expect others to act the same and not believe someone could act purely from love and trust and kindess. It's equally hard for someone who is a gentle, giving soul to believe others do not possess those same traits - or at least, at the same level.

    It's a sad situation when all you really want to do is love and be loved - with all that implies - and the other person breaks your heart when you finally realize that they cannot give you that. I commend you on everything you said and are doing with regard to your sisters, Carol, and I"m so sorry it has to be that way.

  7. #27
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    Originally posted by Obieone:

    Shabu .... what is the cause of your physical pain ..... perhaps some PT for you, massage therapy?? .... maybe too much lifting ! Maybe if we put our heads together can help you find a solution ??

    Obieone
    Oh, I am sure the cause of the physical thing is lifting my husband. I don't think I was aware of how much damage I was doing to myself. And as for massage- OMG, I love it. I live way out in the boonies and there is a little housing community close by. One of the ladies has everyone (ladies) to her house once a month for lunch. She has a pedicurist and a massage therapist come out and makes it a full day. I had the massage only once because it is pretty hard to relax with a rowdy group of women in the room with you, but have decided to go to her privately. I stretch on my own with a dyna ball. We don't have a tub as I replaced it with a roll in shower for my husband so soaking is out, but I do use a foot soaker. And last but not least, I invested in an ab binder and it does seem to help with the low back pain- when I remember to put it on. So I am working on it. The stand pivot transfers for 4 years has taken a toll. I have dropped him a few times and instead of trying to pick him up, I now use my mom's hoyer lift.

    Thank you for your concerns, suggestions as well X.

  8. #28
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    Quote by Kendell:
    "Was it Ann Landers who said something like "Nobody can take advantage of you unless you let them"? Unfortunately, that idea doesn't always translate well in family situations. I tend to think that when we're dealing with a sister, brother, mother , father - whoever- that we believe if we just keep giving a little more that sooner or later they'll start giving back."

    hmmmm....seems you know me well already! Exactly what I have done..."well I'll go along THIS time, because..."..."Okay I'll go along THIS time because..." and on and on. (The going along was in my head, not said aloud.)...and boy what a MESS it's gotten me in! Like they say, we learn the best that we learn the hard way!

    Quote by Kendell:
    Just doesn't always work that way. With my sisters, I reached a point where I had to learn to set boundaries."

    How did you learn this...just practice, practice, practice? I need your secret!

    Quote by Kendell:
    "I have a theory that people expect others to behave as they do. If they are untrustworthy, selfish, greedy , controlling or manipulative - they will expect others to act the same and not believe someone could act purely from love and trust and kindess."

    I have often suspected this of them, but thought "surely not, not MY sisters." I have been in major denial. I guess now it looks to me as if I've lived there all my life. I guess a big part of my getting through this is not just telling the truth to others, not witholding the truth, but also being truthful with MYSELF first.

    Thank you, thank you for your kind words Kendell. This helps a lot! All you guys have helped me a lot! HUGS!

  9. #29
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    Shabu I am so GLAD you are going to go see the massage therapist privately! ....hmmmm...think I'm overdue for a massage myself...thanks for the reminder!

  10. #30
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    X: "Have you ever been in a situation that was so screwed up that even though you wanted to tell someone about it, there was no way to tell it and have it make sense?"

    Yup--like when you are mad at your spouse but everyone else just sees the injury not the person and you are trying to explain it doesn't have anything to do with that...they think you are really disloyal so I just keep it to myself. My doc recommended a book "The Dance of Anger" and I thought "hey I am not angry!!!" but after I read it about four times (slow learner) I realized I don't have any control over anyone but myself. I know that has been mentioned a few times by other folks in this and other threads, but I got to experiece it again this weekend at our family get-together Other than that life is good.

    I am sorry you are going through so much. I find much comfort in what others have said. Thanks for opening the subject up.

    Marie

    "We only become what we are by the radical and deep-seated refusal of that which others have made of us."~~Sartre

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