Originally posted by X:
Goodness no Melissa! Nothing you said offends!
Whew! 
It's like you opened my head and looked inside though!
Humblest apologies - I will refrain in the future. You are so right, when all "this" started, way further back than I even like to think about, I kept thinking "yes I CAN do this"...I only put a stop to doing too much when it started affecting RAY's health. I'd initially put SOME limits on what I could do, but found I later, I was faulted for that.
Sometimes you can't win, you can only figure out the best of the imperfect solutions available. The main problems started because my very controlling oldest sister grabbed the reins of this horse and decided it was HER ride. Well, she bit off more than she could chew and wanted the rest of us to pick up the slack. For instance, outside help could have been gotten long ago, but because my dad did not WANT it, she gave in to his whims, instead of insisting he get help or do without. WE (my good sister and I) were in no position to try to convince him, because SHE had put herself in charge, and HE let her. He only listens to the evil sisters. WE try to tell him something and he does not want to discuss it.
This sounds very familiar. I had a schizophrenic, drug addicted , totally hygenic impaired sister living with my parents. She lived in her own reality. Even though my parents knew that completely, they seemed to be more inclined to listen to her delusional ramblings than anything I said. I have no clue why that was. Maybe they just try to avoid controversy and stick with whatever person they have decided in their minds is the "one in charge", but it can be aggravating. If it were me, I would have just said, "Daddy, we can't keep on like this. We have GOT to hire some help." He's in his right mind. Oh I wouldn't let them starve to death, but let him see just what a hole our help left when not received for a few days. Might have changed his mind about hiring someone sooner.
Even though your father is in his right mind, probably he is also scared of what might happen to himself and your mother in the future and is trying very hard to hold onto their independence - even though that can turn out to be a self-sabotaging way of dealing with the situation. My parents always figured ,when I tried to tell them that they needed more help than I could give them, that if it was getting to be too much for me I should just take a vacation and not worry about them and they'd be fine. NOT! It's partly about denial - denial of health issues, denial of loss of independence, denial that the children they raised and always took care of are changing positions and are taking care of them. But, SHE would not allow that, and WE allowed her to push us...to keep the peace. Looking back, I truly see where the situation I'm in is all my fault, because I allowed it to happen and didn't say no. I did not even start saying no at all, until I sat blubbering on my doctor's table and I could not even go to the doctor alone, Ray had to take me, and then because all I could do was blubber, HE had to tell the doctor what was wrong with me!
My doctor said, "I know it's hard, but you have got to learn to say no."...I remember thinking..."he is crazy..."no" is not an option here, but I will take the Zoloft and that will fix it!
"...but, he, like you, were right...sometimes it's no or die. Zoloft is NOT enough!
No is the most difficult word in the English language to learn to use for some of us. I learned it with my sisters, but I do not claim to be an expert at it. Don't be too hard on yourself - you were working with your own personality and principles - unfortunately the people you were dealing with had their own ideas. It is a process to learn that not everyone is as willing to compromise and work together as you are, but once you realize that you've won half the battle and NO becomes easier with time.
I hope you don't mind, I'm going to print out your Boundaries Lessons and give them to my good sister too! You make so much sense...are you a counselor by trade? If not, you should be!
Print whatever you like - if it helps that makes me feel great. I am not a counselor, but thanks for the compliment. Usually I think it's just easier to look at where someone else is coming from and see what they don't always see cause they're too close to it. In my own life, I have plenty of my own blinders. I dunno if I'd be a good counselor - I"d always be concerned that I had just given them the worst advice ever and would be single-handedly responsible for the ruination of their entire life. 
Oh, and the DPOA...my controlling oldest sister has that!
Scary thought, eh?
YES! AAAAARGH!
The situation is that my dad has always been sick, bad heart, diabetic, multiple surgeries, two of which were by-pass, broken back (but no SCI), extreme pain, severe depression. My mom, has Parkinson's and some dementia. My dad has always taken care of her with our help. Now, he just can't do much as he recently almost died from a staph infection near his heart and is just not bouncing back very well.
So, it's really a rough situation, and I often feel torn between caring for my husband and my parents. And my sisters are more able to do it, they just want it to all be "equal" and they resent me because I can't contribute my "quarter"...there are 4 of us.
You will never, ever, never change someone else's mind until they're ready and willing to open their mind and heart and see it for themselves - sometimes that never happens. Seems many people would prefer to live in their own self-absorbed little fishbowls. You can only follow your own values and do what you can and try not to let them hurt you. They can resent you all t hey want, it doesn't change the situation you're in, or make you capable of giving more. It means you're going to have to find a way to "let go" of your sisters who cannot hear you and continue on your own path as best as you are able. Listen to those who truly love and support you and don't take the others' comments to heart.
It's all even crazier than I've said here...I could not begin to describe the bizarre dysfunction in my family!
And if I could, there is not enough space on the entire internet!
I think it all boils down to some people are just selfish. All my life I have been the one who got things done, and now I've got to admitt I can't do it ALL.
Sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. Better slowly than never, eh? 
Gee, this is long! Whew! I feel better though! Thanks Melissa!
Your'e going to have to hang out sign and start charging us by the hour now! God love you, you've released the beast!
And it talks!
Thanks, thanks, thanks!
Carol
Dang, I can charge for this? 
Like I said, if anything I say helps someone else, that is reward enough. And you're welcome, welcome, welcome
edited to add: let me clarify..my mom has only been sick 10 years...SHE took care of my dad all their married life before she got sick. Just wanted to give her the credit she deserves!
Now, I got confused...huh? but, but, but, you said you DIDN'T WANT me to explain in detail just last year!
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