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Thread: the feeling that I cant stand this anymore

  1. #11
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    Originally posted by Suzanne Poon:

    Hi Jesse's mom,

    Are you feeling better and stronger now? I would like to share a few points in addition to all genuine advice you have received previously.

    Since my son's injury, I always capture the belief in "destiny" that it cannot be altered and we can only accept it peacefully with no regrets, but we must vow not to be defeated by it whenever we are in time of adversity.

    I remember the first person who was capable of easing part of my unforgettable pain was my daughter. On the third day from my son's injury (Richard 16 yrs, T12, 22.3.02, fall from ski jump) I asked my daughter, apparently she looked quite calm, "Are you OK?" "As long as he can still smile at me, talk to me, communicate with me with perfect sense... I'm totally fine!" replied my intelligent Rachel (15 yrs). The second person who could also ease my pain was my lovable youngest son, Roderick (13 yrs), saying, "Mom, you don't have to blame yourself so hard, even when you have always reminded us not to do this and that, we won't listen, we're always doing things behind your back!"

    However, no matter how tirelessly people around me were trying to comfort and encourage me day after day, I knew I was the only one who could truly cope with this unmanageable task, and to drag myself out from this horrifying nightmare. How did I comfort and encourage myself? Let's look at the tragedy from this angle. There are numerous accidents happening every minute in every corner of the world, you may be unlucky enough to lose you loved ones instantly on the spot, no matter who you are and where you're from, for example 9.11. As we know SCI injuries can be fatal since they mostly result from violent acts, e.g. violet impact from car accidents, violent falls from various activities, gun shots etc... The story may end like preparing for and attending a funeral and, thereafter, miserable memories are the only things left for the rest of our lives. Now that your beloved child is still around, waiting for you to tuck him in every night and offering you the sweetest kisses and most precious hugs ever. Even though what happened is cruel enough, the truth is I still possess and am in charge of the time to be with him, to take care of him and most of all to share life with him, so I am more than contented.

    I can understand that the whole of you is filled with tears, the same as everybody else is, but please learn to subside your emotions and feelings by diversifying your attention onto the hope of recovery and fight for it with all your might. That's the way which keeps me going and that's why I signed up for this forum as well.

    Lastly, I feel fortunate in and grateful to my supportive husband and, the key person above all is, my son Richard who is fueled with invincible courage, and the fact that recently he has accelerated his studies with full speed is the best gift for me since his injury.

    Warm regards
    Suzanne

    [This message was edited by Suzanne Poon on 11-15-03 at 10:50 AM.]
    Usually, I'm just a spectator here...craving the encouraging words I find from other mothers to help get me through my day. Pretty much thats how life feels in general right now. Like I'm a spectator while the rest of the world goes on around me. The words you spoke Suzanne pierced right to my soul. I have learned so much on this site and when I read posts like yours with such encouragement it just makes my day. I read them over and over again just to catch a phrase that will help get me through the day. Its been a tough 2 1/2 years with my son, Ben, 25yrs old now. T4Complete from motorcycle accident. I still cry every day. There are no support groups around here so this site is wonderful. You all get me through the worst of days and nights. I had to post today because I really need some good words of encouragement. Don't mean to sound so selfish...I'm not the injured one but I do feel paralyzed...by this huge hurt inside. I don't do anything social anymore other than go to work. I don't enjoy going places or seeing young couples together when I think of my son being alone with no partner. I've tried dating like I use to but I don't ever enjoy being out on a date because I think of Ben and how unfair this whole thing has been to him. I'm scared he won't find someone who will be good to him and love him for who he is. I watch him lay there and know he thinks about it. So I guess its my day to get verbal and whine to you all. I've cried for the past 6 hours while reading these posts. Just need some virtual hugs I suppose! Who ever thought a brokenheart could hurt so bad. I think of when I taught Ben to walk and talk and read and now I can't teach him to walk. Its almost like I'm failing him. Sometimes he looks at me like "why can't you do something?" because I always could, and now I can't. All I can do is say someday it will happen to keep some hope alive for us. I just want to thank all of you for being so open and honest about the challenges and triumphs and being there for all of us moms who have no other support groups. I'll shut up now....I've vented...still crying..guess that will never cease..but feel much better...thanks for being here and caring so much.

  2. #12
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    I don't think I posted that the right way...sorry. Maybe they can rearrange it. Guess I'm pc illiterate as well as a whiney mom today.......

  3. #13
    BCMom:

    1. You posted it just fine.
    2. We HAVE no whiney moms here - just moms who need to vent every once in a while! Don't ever, ever apologize for your feelings - at least not on this forum!

    3. Here's your great big virtual hug
    ((((((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))))

    Glad you found us, and please feel free to join in anytime!

    Jackie

    _____________
    Tough times don't last - tough people do.

  4. #14
    Senior Member poonsuzanne's Avatar
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    Originally posted by bcmom:


    I'm scared he won't find someone who will be good to him and love him for who he is. I watch him lay there and know he thinks about it. So I guess its my day to get verbal and whine to you all. I've cried for the past 6 hours while reading these posts. Just need some virtual hugs I suppose! Who ever thought a brokenheart could hurt so bad. I think of when I taught Ben to walk and talk and read and now I can't teach him to walk. Its almost like I'm failing him. Sometimes he looks at me like "why can't you do something?" because I always could, and now I can't. All I can do is say someday it will happen to keep some hope alive for us.
    Hi Ben's Mom,

    I believe I was almost the first one who viewed Jesse's mom's post due to the time difference between HK and the US. I could have responded before everyone else did, but I simply didn't know where to start and where to end. Sorry that my words struck on your feelings, indeed, this topic also deeply penetrated into my soul and into my hidden world.

    I haven't cried, at least for the time being, since the day when I first began reading this Carecure Forum daily, coz this is the first time since Richard's injury that I have the access to get in touch with other people who are in just the same boat as us, but I succumbed when I read your post. Why crying does not display its prolonged significance in me is due to the fact that, subconsciously I am not scared anymore, if ever I will encounter some uncertainties or difficulties regarding SCI problems, I have found the experts and friends here in this forum to clear up the clouds for me. And most of all, people here all share and pursue the same ultimate goal - the cure. By the way, it's my honor to take this opportunity to salute Dr. Wise Young who is such a unique individual, as I have not met in my entire life, with such G-E-N-E-R-O-S-I-T-Y and self-less spirit. Therefore, I could not bear to see sometimes when some members confront him with a disrespectful manner or tone.

    There is one word I did not insert in my last post, you don't ask "why", "why me", you will never get an answer to it, as I have reiterated it is unpredictable that this could happen to anyone.

    Ben is still young and so is Richard (aged 18), I will share any kind of fear with you, but let's review the whole situation together after five years. I believe this does not sound too long or too bad for both of us. In the meantime, I would suggest that you should move on yourself with a normal life as well as your son. It is always like a "two way street", when Ben sees you live happily he will live happily too and vice versa. Both of you need to be occupied throughout the day, in terms of social life and work, as much as possible while waiting for a better therapy or a cure to come true. Besides, the more socialized he is, the more chances will be open up for him. If the situation permits, of course, it's a good idea to actively participate in fund-raising for research, I have just started working towards this direction here in Hong Kong too, my wish is to have some luck in doing so.

    Let me share one example of my social life with you. Five months from Richard's injury, I had already re-joined my son's ex-primary-school mothers'occasional gathering. There they talked about how well their sons had done in the public exam and which universities they would soon go to, Cambridge, Standford and so on. But for Richard he discontinued school for a year and a half as a result of SCI, instead he studied at home (he will resume school this January). Anyway, all mothers had great fun together, we talked, danced (group dance) and sang (karaoke), we all need friends and company. As I mention "company" here, I remember at times when I was left all alone by myself for some reasons, periodically my eyes and clothes were soaked with tears like when I was crossing the road, on the plane, having my lunch, window browsing, reading a book, swimming in the pool or gazing out from windows!!!

    Please don't cry from now! I know exactly when you're going to cry is when you think of the past, think of his future and think of the whole thing. Quit doing so and focus on constructing the best out of the present. We all know you are the greatest mom and your love to Ben is overwhelming!

    Your supporter
    Suzanne

    [This message was edited by Suzanne Poon on 11-19-03 at 02:55 AM.]

  5. #15
    My son Jordan is 18 T5 complete from a GSW 1 year post injury.
    Just like to share my toughts with you. I think back a year ago and i remember all those worries and fears and qoestions i had. Reading this posts is like listening to myself. We are all the same and we experience all the same pain as mothers.
    I feel that there is nothing out there for me that can take this pain away or make it better.
    I can relate to not wanting to go anywhere, or the feeling of guilt at times when i have a moment which is reminess of the past when i was able to enjoy life. We all experience this and we all have the hope that we will see our children once again stand up and walk.
    I can remember one night i had this really vivid dream. that Jordan just gotten up from his chair and started walking....i woke up and cried for hours. Nothing or no one could console me..i guess tears are just part of our life now.
    There are days when i feel hope and feel that someway some how all be ok at the end, than something happens and i just fall back into this deep hole. I feel that if i give up hope for a cure it will never happen..but on the other hand somehow someway i need to come to some terms with this loss and try to live a close to normal life as possible.
    I just like to know : how do we find the balance ? At what point as a parent will we say this is what it is, and we have to learn to live with it for now. And in the meanwhile hope for a cure.
    Some of my friends think that i'm this strong super woman..little do they know..i'm a mess. Often i think how come i didn't blow my head of already? I guess i need to be here for Jordan. That is what keeps me going, he needs me, i have to make sure that his future is secure and that he will need for nothing when it comes to finances.
    One more thought: I also have an older son Andrew he is 23 and he grew up to be a great guy. I know that he is suffering also, but sometimes i'm so blinded in my grief that i feel unable to help him. Even though i know that he needs me too, i'm just streched out so thin that there is not much left for him. I feel very guilty about it.
    Any advise?
    Blessed be..
    Andrea

  6. #16
    Glace - first a (((((((HUG))))))))). I can remember one year post; the feeling that my life, as well as my son's, was over. And I don't know that any of us have 'come to terms' with our family member's injuries. I've said before, the favorite expression in our house is, 'It is what it is'. I don't know how to explain how to 'let go'; sometimes just finding a little tiny thing that's yours and yours alone, that makes you smile, is the way to find just a glimmer of sunshine at the end of the tunnel. We've each had to find our own ways through the tunnel, and I feel confident you'll find yours, too.

    Take every little glimmer you get, and embrase it; take each day that's not so good, and let it be; when tomorrow comes, that day is over and a fresh one begins, full of hope.

    And know that all of here know where you are, and offer you hands to get you out of the well.
    ((((HUGS)))) again.

    Jackie

    _____________
    Tough times don't last - tough people do.

  7. #17
    Member NANDA's Avatar
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    Hi ...
    I am not a mom...but I do love deeply my brother, sometimes ,Just want to send everybody a big hug and tell you I know exactly what are you talking about and sahre all the feelings...
    Take care, lets try to stay strong an never lose hope..
    Best wishes

    NANDA

  8. #18
    Member kaye's Avatar
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    My grandson was injured on February 14, just nine months ago. My life hasn't been the same. He started kindegarten this year and I thought my heart would break in two. It has been the hardest thing I think I'll will ever endure to watch what he is going through. I cry every day. I too wander around without accomplishing much some days. I have lost bills, forgotten important things to do, and my kids tell me of conversations that I don't even remember. The last few months I have felt more hope with some of the surgeries going on in China and elsewhere. I don't think I can ever accept that he won't walk again.

  9. #19
    Kaye - My heart goes out to you; I think most of us 'parents' on board here had adult - or close to adult children when they were injured. I simply cannot imagine how it feels to have a child with a spinal cord injury.

    Don't ever, ever accept that he will never walk; none of us have accepted it of our family members. Hold onto that hope, with the remarkable people like Wise and Dr. Huang and the rest of the researchers working toward a common goal, some good has got to come of it.

    Forgotten conversations - lost bills - missed appointments - or the time I put the milk in the cereal cabinet and didn't find it for two days!

    You will laugh again, dear lady. I promise.

    Jackie

    _____________
    Tough times don't last - tough people do.

  10. #20
    Senior Member KDK513's Avatar
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    I'm with you on the lost and forgotten stuff. My best was pilling the dog with my birth control pill and I took his phenobarbitol.

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