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Thread: Question

  1. #1


    I am still pretty new to all this SCI stuff and my boyfriend is the "dont worry about it, its nothing" type of guy. My question is: at what point do you try to seriously convince him to go to the doctor?

    He has been having a UTI type thing going on. Lots of leakage, blockage, increased spasms, that kind of thing for almost a month. He has gone to the doctor, but he was pretty much blown off. I keep telling him to find a new doc, but he keeps putting it off. The temporary solution was to put in a foley, but temporary seems to be slowly becoming permanent. I am getting worried that something serious might be going on, but no one else seems to be concerned. Should I just back off, or do you think I should push the option for a new doc? I am not trying to be controling, but the last thing I want is for an infection or something to go untreated and no one to know. I am not necessarily looking for medical advice, more of the family members/girlfriends/caregivers perspective on the situation. Thank you in advance for all your help.

  2. #2
    Hi Ms Scarlett!

    I say PUSH!! My husband is the same sometime. I think, for him, a lot of it comes from being blown off by doctors. One gets tired of being told things like, "your'e not going to feel good, you are in a wheelchair" or "well, you are going to feel more tired than before, you ARE getting older after all"...he was 30 at the time this comment was made! One gets tired of asking for help and in his case being told "I just want to watch the kidney stones for a while" He almost lost his kidney because of this doctor. We have a great urologist now, thankfully. We learned the hard way, if you aren't getting any help from your doc, move on, don't keep hoping that "maybe this time" he/she will listen. I can't give any advice on how to push...because my main tactic is to nag until he gives in just to shut me up! I'm sure there are better approaches, but that is the one that works for me! Maybe someone else can give you a more positive approach!! Good luck! Carol

    Piglet sidled up to Pooh from behind. "Pooh!", he whispered. "Yes, Piglet?" "Nothing", said Piglet, taking Pooh's paw. "I just wanted to be sure of you."

  3. #3
    Senior Member kate's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2002
    bellevue, wa, usa
    Hey, Scarlett--This is a great question, and most of us have got tangled up in something similar more than once. When we get into one of these things, I've found that the best thing to do is try to be perfectly clear about where my body ends and his begins.

    Like, I say, "Okay,this is really bothering me, for these reasons, blah, blah, blah. And I would feel a lot better if you would do x-y-z. But I also understand that it's YOUR body, not mine."

    And then I let it go. Saying out loud what I see and how I feel isn't being controlling; it's communicating.

    Being unhappy when he doesn't do what I think he should do IS being controlling. It's not up to him to make me less anxious, even when I'm right!

    The only exception to this approach is when his choices make more work for me . . . but that doesn't sound like the case here.

  4. #4
    kate's suggestions sound a bit more diplomatic!! In my situation though, if he doesn't get medical help when he should, that does create more work for me...longer, worse illness and probably more doctor visits than it had to be. Of course, it all depends on the illness and the person...when my husband gets sick he tends to get very, very sick...there is no in between for him...he's either ok, or he's not. He has no spleen, so his immunity is impaired. I think people who live in different parts of the country have a different approach to things. Southern men (to make a stereotypical statement!) tend to be stubborn and tough, so sometimes we Belles have to get a little rough with them!!

    Piglet sidled up to Pooh from behind. "Pooh!", he whispered. "Yes, Piglet?" "Nothing", said Piglet, taking Pooh's paw. "I just wanted to be sure of you."

  5. #5
    Here's a rule that I try to follow.

    Only give advice if you're asked or if its an emergency. Is he, in your opinion, bordering on emergency?

    Frankly Ms. Scarlett (I've always wanted to say that - lol ), I think (in all seriousness), from what you've described, that you should push for a visit (soon) to a good urologist - maybe one that you research and meet privately (get comfortable with) before telling the bf.

    With sci, bladder issues can pretty much rule your life if you let them. The secret is to not let them.

    Good luck.

  6. #6
    Senior Member KDK513's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2001
    Cincinnati, Ohio, USA
    Ms Scarlett, when my husbands health is impaired, I am affected. For three years I guided his care and would make all appointments, did all the research and often was the one who communicated with the doctors as he deferred to me. Only in the past year has it changed out of necessity and he is handling everything as he should. If your husband will not take full responsibility for his care, then it is in both of your best interest that you do so.

  7. #7
    Thank all of you for your quick responses. I have been feeling pretty worried, but I wasnt sure if I was justified to feel that way. I just get so frustrated when we visit the doc and they give an answer like, "oh, thats just how it is with SCI" when they haven't spent even 5 minutes examining him. We just moved, so it has been a hunt to find new doctors in the area, and it seens like it is very hard to find good doctors around here. I want to be involved, and he wants me to be. He invites me to go with him to the doc and that sort of thing, but I am finding it hard to walk the wire between helpfully concerned and very annoying. I havent made him angry or annoyed yet (I think) but its still a concern for me. I just dont know when to push and when to let it go with SCI. Im not familiar with warning signs of infections, that sort of thing. I know with time that will come, but my concern is that he is still relatively new to it all also (just 2 years) so I guess my problem is that I worry too much, but its all out of love. I just dont know when to act on my worry. I guess when more comes up I will come here for advice. For now tho, I am gonna start by talking to him and getting his ass to the Thanks again guys, and thanks for reading my ramblings. Sorry if I got off topic there.

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