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Thread: My baby is in the jailhouse. Motherhood sucks.

  1. #31
    Senior Member mr_coffee's Avatar
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    Betheny, (I'll highlight the main advice if you don't want to read a book)

    My bro was highly on drugs, crystal meth mainly, started out with weed, and slowly progressed to crystal meth. He was also on crack I believe, isn't that what you snort? I don't know I just know my bro and my cousin had an 8 ball of it. They also did a lot of acid. I can't think of any drug my bro and cousins haven't done together. My real dad was a drug addict as well, and my bro took a ton of my dads traits and I took more of my moms. So the fact that my dad was already a druggie my mom knew my bro would be screwed once she found the crystal meth and crack pipes.

    Anywho, he was in bad shape and lost all respect for everyone. He quit his job, and started stealing my parents cars at night. He destroyed our jeep liberty and then later stole my dads motorocycle and wrecked that as well. He came out though both times without a scratch.

    But he's doing good now. What got him clean is taking him away from his friends, and the town we grew up in. He lives in Mercer now with his girlfriend who is a drug dealer, she only sells weed though, she actually keeps him off of the drugs, which is odd but she doesn't believe weed is a drug. She's a super bitch though and very bossy which is what my brother needed. If he can roam free, he will start getting in trouble again but for some reason his girlfriend can keep him in line. Sex is a powerful weapon to the NON-SCI.

    Anywho without the influence there, and his girlfriend by his side, he was forced to grow up. He didn't have time to do drugs, he had to pay for rent, car insurance, etc.

    He wakes up around 7:00am and comes back home at around 11:00pm, so he's so tired from work (he works on natural gas rigs) he just sleeps or has a beer then sleeps.

    He takes pride in his work, he likes being a rough neck as they call them. He actually got in a fist fight with his one friend because they were arguging over whos job was harder.

    So my advice, when he gets old enough, kick him out of the house, force him to grow up.
    When he doesn't have the comfort of a bed to come home to, he'll soon realize he's going to have to get his shit in gear and find a job or 3 jobs to keep himself alive.
    Also my brother just passed highschool, so he has no degree but he's making decent money because he works long hours, its not an easy life but its the path they pick.


    I know in your mind you probably can't kick your son out of the house, my mom couldn't do it to my brother either, so my step dad did it. So if you don't have any father figure, I'm not sure if you would have the strength to really just kick him out of the house.

    Also I don't know how easy this will be, but once you take him out of his environment he's comfortable in, like the town he knows, his friends he knows, he won't have anything, which is what you want. Keep him from the things that he knows, and he will be forced to find a new route. Right now he knows where to find his drugs, he knows his friends who can supply him drugs, he knows the people he can have fun with, etc. Take that all away or he'll never change, but get worse.

    The people who stayed in my town are a mess, the people who left the town are doing great.
    Both my cousins, my bro, all doing well because they left the town behind them which was the main cause of their addiction.

    Peer pressure is a powerful thing, I even took some of the drugs just because I was surrounded by it, all the people I know were doing it. Luckily I don't have an addictive personality, I'll take the drug once and never do it again. Although I do think I'm addicted to coffee, and if I drink enough of it, it reminds me of taking speed ha. So I guess we all have our drugs, I just pick the ones that won't interfere with my career/life directly.


    PS: What you don't want to do is, kick him out of the house, and have him go to his friends, that would make things worse.
    Last edited by mr_coffee; 09-14-2008 at 07:47 PM.
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  2. #32
    oh betheny. you make me ashamed of my rants on son. i have no advice. i can say, mine would have sat in jail until he was kicked out, no question. i hope jake's had a wake-up call. thinking bout you and still wishing you lived next door.

    btw, on the subject of stealing, i've had so many things stolen from my house since injury, it's hardly believable. "Helpers," as i call them, lots of times help themselves. money, clothes, family silver, power chair, hs ring, just a few examples.

  3. #33
    Senior Member Ashley's Avatar
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    Getting him out of his support system of friends is a good thing, but it can be difficult if there's no chance to relocate. My accident made me relocate away from all my networks for drugs so that got me clean real quick. It may be a boredom issue, but then again they just may not want to care about something else. If he's up to talking to someone about everything, it could be helpful, but in my experience I didn't want to talk to anyone. I'm with Gotwheels that the titanium in my neck is what ultimately straightened me out. I still fought it and tried to go back to my old habits, but with no car i couldn't really do it at the parental's house. Taking the car could be a good idea, my parents were going to take mine away the weekend of my accident but i stayed at school instead. Anyway, i hope everything works out and that your son can start making changes in his life for the better.
    Courage, it would seem, is nothing less than the power to overcome danger, misfortune, fear, injustice, while continuing to affirm inwardly that life with all its sorrows is good; that everything is meaningful even if in a sense beyond our understanding; and that there is always tomorrow.
    -Dorothy Thompson

  4. #34
    Super Moderator Sue Pendleton's Avatar
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    I'll call you tomorrow Beth. I know someone who has the 'tough love problem' going to 2 generations now.
    Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, "I will try again tomorrow."

    Disclaimer: Answers, suggestions, and/or comments do not constitute medical advice expressed or implied and are based solely on my experiences as a SCI patient. Please consult your attending physician for medical advise and treatment. In the event of a medical emergency please call 911.

  5. #35
    Senior Member mr_coffee's Avatar
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    I also wanted to add:

    What he needs is goals in life, if you don't have any goals, then what else is there to turn too? I know so many people in my school who turned to drugs because all life was to them was work, and school, but they had no goal in life what to do after highschool so they turned to drugs.

    You could tell him to sign up to the airforce/navy or something like that. Make sure he signs up to a job position where he wouldn't be a meat shield or on the front lines, but maybe work behind the lines.

    That will at least force him to leave the town without you having to leave the town.

    Hell if I didn't have goals in my life, I would turn to drugs just out of boredom. What saved me was my computer. At the start I was just like all of the rest of them, but then I bought a computer, and got addicted to that, so being a computer nerd saved my butt ha.
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  6. #36
    Senior Member skippy13's Avatar
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    Time to have a family intervention. Lay it out real good for him. What the consequences will be if he continues down the road he has chosen. Get everyone on board for this even his older brother. Tell him that his friends are not allowed in your home under any circumstances. If they are not involved in the lifestyle, tell him it is too bad...guilt by association and all that. Set out clear expectations for him and follow through if he doesnt step up no matter how painful. Remove all perks from his life that he does not directly earn for himself (car, insurance, cell phone). Lock up all checks, money and anything else easily pawned or stolen especially any drugs no matter how innocuous. Put your purse in your room and lock the door.

    Give him the true unvarnished facts about drug use and the complete painful story about what happened to your brother and how by simple genetics it could happen to him. Make him understand and believe it deep down, Betheny.

    My sons didnt have these troubles, but they had plenty of friends that did. I left nothing available to them to tempt them. And then I made sure my sons knew they couldnt save anyone who did not want to be saved. They were always trying to help someone, though.

    Get tough. Stay strong. Don't waver. Tell him you will always love him.

  7. #37
    My brother started to spiral out of control shortly after I got hurt. He went from an A honor student to not doing his homework at all and yelling at teachers. We knew he was smoking pot as my parents found it, but his temper was so bad they suspected meth or something hardcore like that. He ended up dropping out of school I believe his Junior year of high school because he just could not handle it there anymore.

    What would have been his Senior year on prom weekend he was at a party with his gf and some friends when a group of five guys came looking for him to fight. My brother is big, but he was bigger back then. He was able to take them all, including taking a paint gun to ones face. Problem was, Dustin was the only one that was 18. He was put into jail for the weekend. He called crying, saying how he ruined his life, etc. etc. etc. My parents didn't bail him out, but one of his friends did. He ended pleading guilty to assault and spent 6 months in jail. Since they did come looking for him his sentenced was reduced pretty good. I still think he should have went to trial, but then he could have gotten 5-40 years.

    When he came home he didn't change much. Bummin around, partying, not doing a damn thing. My dad gave him the choice to move out, get a job and start paying them some rent, or join the military. With a felony not too many want to hire you, but he got his GED and his best friend had a job he no longer needed and asked if my brother could take his spot and they accepted him even with a felony.

    He still likes to drink and party, but he is off the drugs. He's more into body building and eating healthy so I don't think drugs fall into that. After switching jobs in a couple of different cities he has landed a good purchasing job in Las Vegas where he makes $800 a week. His downfall is that he doesn't know how to balance a checkbook or know how to save any of the money he makes.

    I believe my parents were too soft when it came to punishing him in high school with all the shit he pulled back then. Running from cops and leaving the car that is in their name so the cops come to the house at 2 AM, etc. Another thing they did wrong was that if they DID punish him, they never enforced it. They tried counseling and he never went for that. He was very aggressive to the point that at times his temper was so bad that it wasn't safe for me to be alone in the house with him.

    They kicked him out a couple of times and for the most part he went and stayed with friends, but by the time the lease was up he was coming back home and they always accepted him back.

    I think tough love with the support of your family needs to be the approach with Jake. I agree with what Cory has to say too. If he is away from his friends (most likely 90% of the problems) the less likely he is to get it.

    Good luck B. I hope things start turning aound for you. I'll be thinking about you.
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  8. #38
    When I was fresh out of rehab, a friend since 3rd grade came and helped for 2 weeks. She brought a litter of puppies and took all my drugs. To her credit, she then went down to the ghetto doctor in Houston, waited in some slum strip mall store lobby for a script, and replaced them.

    I'm mystified still...why didn't she just do that in the first place?

    She was a godsend, though. Her mom had MS, she'd been cathing her since the age of 10 or so. My skills were lacking at the time.

  9. #39
    I can relate. My almost 18 year old has worried me sick the past year, and I do mean sick. I have IBS and it has been worse than ever. She got caught with beer, not drinking or driving just possession of it, automatic loss of license for 6 months as well as community service, JSAP classes etc. Well, we get a call from a cop the other night and they pulled her over and found 2 grams of herb (about enough for a joint).

    As her mom, I want to make things all better, but I can't. She's involved in "the system" now and all I can do is be there. I understand totally Bethany and I think they call that tough love cause it's so hard on the parent!

    One thing about your son though, you won't be able to get through to him as long as he is impaired, it just isn't "him". I'll pray for y'all. Being a parent is the hardest thing I've ever done...what I'd give to have them little again, it was so much easier.

  10. #40
    Senior Member skippy13's Avatar
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    When my youngest son was about 13 or so I started getting to know the parents of the group of friends he was hanging out with. The other parents appreciated knowing a little bit about us and our values. We had a common interest. And that was the best interests and safety of our children.

    When the boys were about 15 we started having minor issues with the groups behavior that was not acceptable. We parents started meeting on a monthly basis to discuss issues. We included the kids in these meetings. We talked about group motivation, dynamics and behavior problems. We maintained constant contact with each other. Yeah, we checked up on the kids and verified permissions for overnight visits and such. Diligently.

    Parents that were not so much interested in their childs behavior became interested knowing that they had the support of the others. They didn't want to look like slackers. We held them accountable for supervising the kids whenever they were at their home as we were each responsible for supervision of the group.

    We saw a complete turnaround in the groups behavior. We never let them get away with anything. They knew that we cared and that we wanted the best for them. These meetings were not rat out your friends sessions. They were awareness and guidance sessions. It was very effective in keeping them out of trouble.

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