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Thread: It's uplifting!

  1. #11
    Timaru,

    This person may well be a spammer because he/she has not logged back into this site. However, let me try to understand why the post was offensive.

    1. The post said initially that it is great that people with spinal cord injury can have children. I read in there also a degree of surprise that this is true. It is consistent with my experience that many people think that spinal cord injury not only causes paralysis but also inability to fertilize or to have children.

    2. The person then says that parents with spinal cord injury need more support than usual. While this may not be true of all people with spinal cord injury, it is true of many people with quadriplegia.

    3. The statement that the relationship is what is necessary for a child to flourish. This is a common anxiety amongst parents with disabilities, whether or not they can take care of the child and be a good parent.

    The anxiety of being unable to have children and then inability to be a good parent are common amongst people with spinal cord injury. Why do you find it so offensive? It is because the post is being written by somebody who apparently is not injured?

    Wise.

  2. #12
    Senior Member Timaru's Avatar
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    Dr. Young,

    Let me try to explain why I found the post condescending.

    It is entitled "It's uplifting!" and the first line explains why.

    "It is so great to know that having a spinal injury - does not mean that one can never be a parent."

    A first time visitor to the site has just discovered that SCI is not a barrier to parenthood and is expressing their delight, this is good.

    The second line:

    "Of course these parents will need more support than usual, but with support they can be a wonderful parent to their baby."

    The first time poster now tells their audience what the SCI parent will need in order to be a "wonderful parent", not only are they stating the obvious but also assuming a knowledge of SCI.

    The closing lines:

    "It is the quality of the relationship that is the factor - and a loving involved parent, Dad or Mom - is all an infant/child needs to flourish."

    This surely applies as much to the able bodied as it does to the disabled and is again stating the obvious.

    "You do great work - keep it up!"

    Who does?

    I realize I am making the assumption that the poster is not an expert in matters pertaining to SCI but I do this based on the facts that this is a first time poster who was unaware that SCI does not preclude parenthood.

    I hope this dispels any notion that I objected to this post because it was penned by a person who may be able bodied but rather because the author presumed to lecture the SCI (or, these parents) on parenthood.

    Jonathan.

  3. #13
    I agree. I don't think it is the content...it is the TONE of the post that is somewhat insulting and condescending.

    (KLD)

  4. #14
    Timaru,

    The tone is condescending. Unfortunately, the person hasn't responded. It is possible that the person doesn't know where the post is because I restored it to the Family Forum and it may have been posted elsewhere.

    Let's go on to discuss the issue of people with spinal cord injury being parents. I have several good friends who are respirator dependent. Two of them have children. I don't think that any of them regret it at all. On the other hand, I suspect that they all had some trepidations before they did it.

    I have not read any statistics on the subject but I wonder what percentage of people go on to have children after spinal cord injury.

    Wise.

  5. #15
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    Quote Originally Posted by Wise Young
    Timaru,

    The tone is condescending. Unfortunately, the person hasn't responded. It is possible that the person doesn't know where the post is because I restored it to the Family Forum and it may have been posted elsewhere.

    Let's go on to discuss the issue of people with spinal cord injury being parents. I have several good friends who are respirator dependent. Two of them have children. I don't think that any of them regret it at all. On the other hand, I suspect that they all had some trepidations before they did it.

    I have not read any statistics on the subject but I wonder what percentage of people go on to have children after spinal cord injury.

    Wise.


    Hi Wise,

    I don't have an issue with people with SCI being parents, but I do think it's really too much to handle. Unless you've been planning it for a long time, and have the resources to make it work, it's probably not a good idea.

    Of course, many people don't realize this until it's too late. I think the most important qualification for SCI parenthood is to have a lot of experience living with your SCI. If you have your routines established and your issues under control, you can devote the time and energy necessary to be a successful parent.

    Still, I was always under the impression that after SCI, you should really focus on yourself and your own needs, rather than bringing someone else into the picture. It seems even more important after a life-changing injury. But I just stare in wonderment and admiration at those people strong enough to take everything on all at once.
    "Leela, you look beautiful. Incidentally, my favorite artist is Picasso."

  6. #16
    I was injured a week before I turned 25 and although having children wasn't in my immediate plans at the time, it was something that both my partner and I were really looking forward to.A few years down the road, when we were both done school was what I thought.

    When I was first injured I just automatically assumed that made it physically impossible for me to carry and give birth to a child. I am not sure why I thought that because I had no basis for that conclusion. Nobody (parents, doctors, nurses) had come right out and said to me "You can never have children now." And I never asked because I guess I just had the thought already established in my head. I actually think it was here on care cure that I first learned that it was still possible

    When I found this out, I was really happy. I even let my mind wander ahead to a future with children. But the reality of my health, day to day care needs, and being as physically dependant as I am really makes me realize that its not going to happen for me. And that makes me incredibly sad. I try to reframe it in ways that won't hurt as much. I tell myself you can't lose something that you never had in the first place. But the truth is, children of my own is one more thing this injury took away from me. I really wanted to be somebody's mother.

    I guess this doesn't really fit the topic of "spinal cord injuries and parenting." But I don't agree with Piano Dave. I don't think a spinal cord injury should deter anybody from becoming a parent. If there was anyway at all I could do it, I would.
    Last edited by orangejello; 09-11-2008 at 10:33 AM.

  7. #17
    Quote Originally Posted by pianodave
    Hi Wise,

    I don't have an issue with people with SCI being parents, but I do think it's really too much to handle. Unless you've been planning it for a long time, and have the resources to make it work, it's probably not a good idea.

    Of course, many people don't realize this until it's too late. I think the most important qualification for SCI parenthood is to have a lot of experience living with your SCI. If you have your routines established and your issues under control, you can devote the time and energy necessary to be a successful parent.

    Still, I was always under the impression that after SCI, you should really focus on yourself and your own needs, rather than bringing someone else into the picture. It seems even more important after a life-changing injury. But I just stare in wonderment and admiration at those people strong enough to take everything on all at once.
    OK, I am a low para but I have three. Two of them are adults now, 26 and 23, and the small one is 12. I have even been a single mother nearly all the time and have not have any help before the last years. Of course, I wish I had more time to take care of myself but I don't regret them. And the children have never taken care of me, not even the big ones come and help me, only if it is emergency. My daughter is a nurse so I can ask her for advice, that's nice. But I have 14 hours of PA in the week because I have fatigue and a child because it is important for me to not be a burden to my children.
    TH 12, 43 years post

  8. #18
    Senior Member Timaru's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by orangejello
    But the truth is, children of my own is one more thing this injury took away from me. I really wanted to be somebody's mother.

    I guess this doesn't really fit the topic of "spinal cord injuries and parenting." But I don't agree with Piano Dave. I don't think a spinal cord injury should deter anybody from becoming a parent. If there was anyway at all I could do it, I would.
    Quote Wise Young: "I have several good friends who are respirator dependent. Two of them have children. I don't think that any of them regret it at all. On the other hand, I suspect that they all had some trepidations before they did it."

    Give it time OJ, the health issues will become less and less frequent and life will settle into a rhythm, reach this point and then think again about becoming somebody's mother.

  9. #19
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    Quote Originally Posted by orangejello
    I guess this doesn't really fit the topic of "spinal cord injuries and parenting." But I don't agree with Piano Dave. I don't think a spinal cord injury should deter anybody from becoming a parent. If there was anyway at all I could do it, I would.

    I see what you're saying orangejello. It just seems counter-intuitive that after all this, you still want to take on an even bigger responsibility.

    Yes, I understand, parenthood is for some the highest ambition, and more power to you if you think it's worth fighting for.

    But it isn't to me a matter of deterrence. It's a question of looking out for number one. If you don't focus on your own needs, no one is going to focus on them for you.

    Call it selfish if you want, but at the end of the day, I'd rather be selfish and happy. No one will begrudge me that right, especially after a life-changing injury.

    What do you think?
    "Leela, you look beautiful. Incidentally, my favorite artist is Picasso."

  10. #20
    Senior Member DaleB's Avatar
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    i read orangejello's comments with a heavy heart.

    my 4 kids provide me with a tremendous amount of 'will to persevere'.

    i agree with previous poster re: not burdening them with day to day issues.

    i get up @5am to do my bowels, etc so they are none the wiser.

    i'm coming to learn that this state of existence would be so much harder for me without their love in my life, so i tend to 'wish' kids on people, for my own selfish reasons, i guess, especially if they want them!
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