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Thread: Living in the moment? (Or is this just another rant?)

  1. #11

    In the moment

    I was always very spontaneous. Which explains why I was in a fountain when I broke my neck. The poor health that has dogged me since is what slows me down- I HATE IT. However-my anal retentive stepmom read a book called The Power of Now. She is now happier and much more pleasant. She gave up on the cursed no-fat diet she's been on for years which she also inflicted on guests. She gave up nagging my son and me about our eating habits. She gave me a sea scooter for Christmas! This from a woman who always thought my scuba was irresponsible for a mother. I think living in the moment has improved her life, I know that indirectly is has improved mine. And lilacs are wonderful, I missed them for 10 yrs. in Houston. Hope to find a bush in Okla. this spring. Also, I agree w/ Chris about keeping something on the schedule to look forward to. I like to plan and take trips, that makes me happy. It's just more complicated now. I really need someone to go w/ me since SCI. Betheny

  2. #12
    Chris, i have to agree with the other caregivers here; your comments have shown no sensitivity to their issues or their feelings.

    You accused me once of not knowing what it was like to be in a chair; well, my friend, you have no idea what it's like to be a caregiver.

    If you resent the resentment, then maybe you shouldn't make some of the remarks that you do.

    Tough times don't last - tough people do.

  3. #13
    Wait a cotton pickin' minute.

    You ladies are unbelievable. Read my first post. Where was I insensitive? By saying that there is another perspective. That wallowing in the negative isn't, imo, a good thing? That there are alternatives? Different ways to approach things? That almost everything, with modification is doable? That there can still be spontaneity? What is wrong with that?

    Then for some reason Obieone accuses me of being glib and resents my positive spin on things? So I made a rhetorical response that I resent resentment and you gals dogpile on me as if I've shouted something blasphemus about you or your family or whatever...

    Talk about oversensitive and enjoying wallowing in self pity. Go ahead ladies soak yourself. Enjoy it and your thread and your clique and your petty comments to anyone else who happens to disagree or has a difference of opinion. God forbid. Again, read my first post. Was it not full of positive suggestions? Experiences?

    The truth is Jackie and Martha I could shat gold bars and you two would find fault that they weren't pure gold. You take every opportunity to shoot me down simply because you don't like me, my thoughts, ideas, perspectives or attitude. You've made it personal time and again. None of my posts here mentioned your names because there was never any vicious or nasty intent - unlike yours. So go ahead take your shots. The hornet's nest is stirred.

    And for once Jackie get off your moral high horse. I know nothing about being a caregiver, eh? My grandfather in 1974 suffered a massive stroke and lived 35yrs paralyzed with all the goodies attached. I started to help care for him when I was 13 and I helped off an on for 20yrs. Was I married to him? No. My child? No. He was my grandfather. Paralyzed. It seems to be a family tradition. Further, my wife had a mild form of cervical cancer 6yrs ago. Pretty invasive stuff. Who do you think was her caregiver? So please try and realize that you or anyone else here does not have a patent or a monopoly or a rulebook on caregiving! It's different for everyone in scope, capacity, time, situation, etc. Believe me I recognize it. But do you? Or are you and Martha carrying the weight of all of the caregivers of the world? And noone's got it as bad as you? Do you simply want martyr of the year or what?

    Man, you're frustrating. I try and offer some friendly, positive advice and you guys turn it into something negative. You insult me first and expect me to not react? Nice double standard.

    Finally, this is a PUBLIC forum. If you don't want anyone other than you and your friends to chime in then don't post it publicly. That's why the chat room was created. Otherwise every thread is open to opinion and a difference of perspective.

    So much for mutual support in the new year Jackie.

    I stand by my first post. If you want to perceive it as negative then go ahead. Simply though when written it had all good intention. Unlike you, Martha or Obieone.

    Acceptance, compassion, personal growth.

    Fortitudine Vincimus
    (Through endurance we conquer)

    [This message was edited by Chris on Jan 02, 2003 at 05:51 PM.]

    [This message was edited by Chris on Jan 02, 2003 at 05:52 PM.]

    [This message was edited by Chris on Jan 02, 2003 at 05:54 PM.]

    [This message was edited by Chris on Jan 02, 2003 at 05:55 PM.]

  4. #14
    Senior Member martha's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2001
    Texas hallelujah!


    First, you are totally insulting. "You gals"? Join the 21st century. We aren't "you gals". We are women: wives, mothers, maybe sisters or daughters, but we are NOT "you gals".

    Second, your comment that I don't like you and attack you is pure crap. Only one time have I responded to anything you wrote and that was simply a difference of opinion and nothing personal. However YOU turned it personal by insulting me. I quoted your earlier post in that particular thread only in order to clarify each point that I was responding to. You in turn called me stupid or ignorant with no ideas of my own but to copy your post. The ideas of my own were below what I copied of yours. You obviously didn't bother to read them. But none of them attacked you personally -- only a difference of opinion with what you had to say.

    Third, I did NOT respond at all to your first post full of your "positive spin" below. Actually some of it was good. My only repsonse was in your resentment of our threads. I also said that not all SCI's are as physically strong as you. Boy that is some personal attack I made on you! How dare I refer to you as physically strong! Get real! It was not a personal attack -- I simply said I thought you were out of line. You accuse me of wanting to be martyr of the year. How dare you accuse me of thinking no one has it as bad as me or that I want to carry the weight of the caregivers' world. Especially after saying that everyone handles the situation differently. Because I obviously, in your mind, haven't "adjusted" as well as I should, you attack me? You don't know one damned thing about my world. You have no idea who I am or what makes me. And yet you accuse me of these things? Pretty personal attack isn't it? Especially when I resisted calling you a pompous arrogant egotistical asshole who is so full of himself that he probably thinks his shit doesn't stink. But since I didn't say that and very politely held it in in a ladylike fashion, you have no basis for first attacking me personally. Or, if you are always right as you think, please VERY SPECIFICALLY point out when I "took every opporotunity over and over" to shoot you down which is your basis for a personal attack on me and I will apologize to you if warranted.

    Last, why don't you concentrate on your witty repartee with "the boys" about bare-assed sweet young things which seems to be your real penchant.

    Gosh! Was that a personal attack? Ooooops!

  5. #15
    Senior Member kate's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2002
    bellevue, wa, usa

    Blazing keyboards!

    Chris, your first post was fine--authentic and clear and just you trying to be helpful. Only problem I can read in it is that it's hard for US to apply that particular wisdom. Truth is, if my husband ain't into something, I can't make him so.

    And that's our issue. We (at least a lot of us) feel quite curtailed by this injury, because we live with people who--for whatever reasons--are not able/willing to take life on in the same way you do. We're bound to them because we genuinely love them, want what's best, etc. But for some of us that means a drastically diminished range of motion--unless we find ways to live our lives outside the landscape created by the injury.

    And it ain't even our injury! Can't you feel from these posts how frustrating that is? It's not a question of being martyrish or on high horses or always complaining . . . it's just naming one of the most hellish aspects of OUR new lives. What's so bad about that?

  6. #16

    In the moment.....

    I used to let things about the past bother me. If only I had driven us to the ranch the day of the accident... or if only I had known somehow in advance my Mom was going to have the hemorrhagic stroke in 2001 could I have helped prevent it somehow etc.

    But then I realized that never in the history of the world has one person been able to go back and change the past. For some reason, this took the pressure off from having to consider it so much. It makes it much easier to live in the moment and look towards the future.

    Chris, I think it may just seem like people are being too negative in the Caregiving forum. I think that caregivers need a place to vent, and friends to listen to them that know exactly where they are coming from.I have friends and family that constantly ask how we are doing. However, I could never talk to them about some of the issues that I could discuss here if I needed to.If things get rough on a particular day, I do not call any of my old time friends to get their opinions. They live in a different world now, one that now seems petty and materialistic. If Steve were to be totally cured tonight, I still would never fit in in that world again. And I wouldn't want to.

    The people here (including you)are something else and I enjoy "visiting".


    Russ Byrd

  7. #17
    Moderator Obieone's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2001

    As my 14 year old daughter would say, "Oh MY!"

    God Bless You Kate you hit the nail right on the head!!! For me any way . . .

    Chris . . . what in the world has got in to you . . . I would really like to thank you though! Somehow you have managed (inadverdently no doubt) to take my mind off the holiday blue jag I was on to "living in the moment" and left me wondering how in the world did I stir things up so much and didn't even mean to . . . honest.

    My almost 19 year old son is in the garage cleaning his car - trying to get the headlights to work - listening to some music (the subs are just pounding away). (By the way he was with his Dad when he got hurt, he was 14 at the time - stayed calm, did what needed to be done. Iam very proud of him!) But today he's out there alone trying like hell to get the dog gone things to work. He comes in the house to ask his Dad what to do next and gets alittle advice, goes out try's it , comes back for more advice etc. . . . I observe this kind of thing daily . . .this - among many other things that go on in the course of a day in a house full of teenagers.

    One of the things I was remembering was how my husband used to put up the Xmas lights and how one year he outlined the whole house. He took the time to mark each string when he took them down so he would know for next year what order to put them up again. Our yougest daughter used to worry that he would fall off the ladder (it was a huge 3 story old farm house we rented). Those memories haunt me but I find a way to file them and go on . . . and I do . . . but sometimes I need to "type it out loud" here . . . as Martha so kindly put it it's why some of us come here . . . it's why I come here!

    Although I am not a full time care giver as some are here my role in our family shifted when my husband became SCI and I am only now starting to fully absorb the implications of all that has happened to "us"! So sometimes what I'll do is I'll drink alittle too much wine, don the headphones and listen to David Bowie or Paul Macartney or Alicia Keys and join this community for awhile on my computer and for a few moments I don't feel so alone (you can feel pretty isolated in a town of 800 on the frozen prairie). I am so thankful CareCure is here for us and especially this forum!!

    Don't be mad anymore Chris, play nice and say your sorry !! These fine "women" deserve way more respect then you've been giving them . . . me included . . .

    None of us knows everything about the other except what we're willing to share bit by bit so we should all keep that in mind! . . . I think this would be a good time to breathe in the lovely scent of lilacs however since there is none here available at the moment I think instead I'll just light a stick of sandlewood incense.(And pour another glass of wine!!)

    Peace everyone!

  8. #18

    Big Mud Puddles and Sunny Yellow Dandelions

    My father sent this to me today.I wanted to share it because I think it brings us back to the moment! It made me pause and think as well as smile. I love my fresh picked dandelions!

    Big Mud Puddles and Sunny Yellow Dandelions
    Author Unknown

    When I look at a patch of dandelions, I see a bunch of weeds that
    are going to take over my yard.
    My kids see flowers for Mom and blowing white fluff you can wish on.
    When I look at an old drunk and he smiles at me, I see a smelly,
    dirty person who probably wants money and I look away.
    My kids see someone smiling at them and they smile back.
    When I hear music I love, I know I can't carry a tune and don't have much rhythm so I sit self-consciously and listen.
    My kids feel the beat and move to it. They sing out the words.
    If they don't know them, they make up their own.
    When I feel wind on my face, I brace myself against it. I feel
    it messing up my hair and pulling me back when I walk.
    My kids close their eyes, spread their arms and fly with it,
    until they fall to the ground laughing.
    When I pray, I say thee and thou and grant me this, give me that.
    My kids say, "Hi God! Thanks for my toys and my friends.
    Please keep the bad dreams away tonight. Sorry, I don't want to go to Heaven yet. I would miss my Mommy and Daddy."
    When I see a mud puddle I step around it. I see muddy shoes and dirty carpets.
    My kids sit in it. They see dams to build, rivers to cross,and worms to play with.
    I wonder if we are given kids to teach or to learn from? No wonder God loves the little children!
    Enjoy the little things in life, for one day you may look back
    and realize they were the big things.
    I wish you Big Mud Puddles and Sunny Yellow Dandelions!!!
    "Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take but by
    the moments that take our breath away."
    THE BEST TO YOU IN 2003 !!!

    "Don't worry about the world coming to an end today.
    It's already tomorrow in Australia!"----- Charles Schultz

  9. #19
    Thanks, Cheesecake, For bringing us back to 'the moment'! If only we could all recapture the childlike wonder of the world, and truly live 'in the moment'!

    Tough times don't last - tough people do.

  10. #20
    Senior Member dogger's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2002
    Mitchell , Qld. Australia


    Cheesecake , you bought back memories of the fun playing in mud afterrain as a kid . one boy i know of lived in a quiet street were there was a big hole in the road . after rain he would get a pair of bicycle handlebars and sit in the puddle with his legs underwater holding onto the handlebars . when a car came along he would wave them to go past him . the sight of puddles in a road brings back this mind picture .

    thank you

    every day i wake up is a good one .

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