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Thread: Kate's On Line Journal

  1. #661
    Happy Leap Year!!

    It's a sunny day here in the mountains, and we've been promised temps in the high 50's!! Maybe that last stretch of stubborn ice will finally melt off my driveway.

    It's so nice to read everyone's entries and catch up on your lives, even if I don't comment on everyone's adventures (kate, I'm thinking of your whipped cream story! Yowza!)

    Marm, your girlie room sounds perfect! And count me in as yet another Loreena fan!!

    Scarlett, thanks for your thoughts on invisible fencing, and your good vibes on the apartment! I was a little concerned about the shock too, but when I think about the neighbors shooting them...well, it's a matter of degree, isn't it?? I'm not up to losing either one of them right now.

    Also: here's a perfect example of Why Scarlett Should Hang Around CC If She Wants To. You have a lot to offer, girlfriend..and we don't ALWAYS talk about SCI stuff. Besides, we can all help you through this time, when your life is changing so much. If you go back to the beginning of this journal, you will see whiny ole posts by yours truly during my divorce. We were brought together by fate/circumstance/incredible bad luck (take your pick or add your own) and I say let's make the most of it! We are strong, sassy, smart and compassionate on our good days; and on our bad days, we can come here and find any number of our strong, sassy, smart and compassionate sisters. Or brothers (c'mon you guys, you're out there..we know you are.)

    So. Here's my Ruminating Thought For The Day:
    Bri's anniversary is coming up in one month. It's starting to pop into my mind; little snatches of memory and heartache that catch me unawares. It will be five years. Is it possible to, on some level, grieve forever? I'm really afraid that's possible. It doesn't drive my life, or show to others (except late at night, sometimes) but it's there.

    "God warns us not to love any earthly thing above Himself, and yet He sets in a mother's heart such a fierce passion for her babes that I do not comprehend how He can test us so."
    ~Geraldine Brooks, "Year of Wonders"

  2. #662
    Join Date
    Feb 2003
    Griffith, In
    Marmalady, you gave me an awesome idea. We have a back room that just has the kids' junk and the computer. Today I began cleaning it out. I'm going to turn it into my quilting room. I have been setting everything up on the kitchen table for years. Big pain in the butt, becauseI have to pick up constantly for dinner, etc. I also am tired of cleaning ketchup off my pieces. I'm going to finally have my own spot!

  3. #663
    You sound better already! I was just starting to get into quilting when my bf wsa hurt. I haven't touched it since then, yet. I have done a little bit of sewing for pillows.

    Well all,
    I guess I haven't been taking very good care of me. I had to go over to my Doctor on Friday for an EKG. I had a tightness in my chest and the bf could hear my heart beating 'differently'. I have an irregular heartbeat and the doc thinks, it's probably depression/anxiety. My heart is 'healthy' but, it is 'adding a beat' every now and then. I am scared.
    He did blood work for 'cardio enzymes'? He just called today and says those levels are OK. Now, we will get a cholesterol blood work next week. I'm taking an 'acid blocker' and an anti-depressant. UGH! It's not working yet!
    There is more stress than my bf and his sci happening in my life and I guess it all just finally caught up with me.
    I sure don't like this feeling in my chest. Anyone else ever hear of depression/anxiety causing irregular heartbeat?

    We are all faced with a series of great opportunities... Brilliantly disguised as impossible situations.

  4. #664

    Yes, I experienced the same kind of thing as you did three years ago. I was going through a huge amount of stressful events one after the other after the other. In my case, my heart began to beat faster and faster. (tachycardia)

    I had all the same bloodwork as you described and all were within normal limits. I did not go on medication for anxiety but I did make lifestyle changes that helped. Looking back, I think I should have gone for the medication. Stress is not good for the body. Some people are better than others managing it. I do much better now, having learned some relaxation techniques. I have not had irregular heart beats in quite some time now. I hope you feel better.


    If I can see it, then I can do it. If I believe it, there's nothing to it.

  5. #665
    Mary, LOL with all your health problems, it's a wonder you're alive!

    If we have no peace, it is because we have forgotten that we belong to each other. - Mother Teresa

  6. #666
    Vicky - Matt had his '5th' last November; to answer your question, no I don't think we ever stop grieving; it gets easier to 'manage' at times - I have moments where it will raise its ugly head and there is nothing I can do about it, except just let it go through me, and hope I come out the other end intact. I still have nightmares and wake up in cold sweats - although they don't happen nearly as frequently.

    Yay, Stacy! We'll have to keep each other up to date on the progress of the 'girly-girl' rooms! Just got back from a visit with lilsis, and we shopped til we dropped; I bought (sorry, Stace - I have made quilts before, but wanted instant gratification!) a quilt, and other stuff that has 'girly-girl' written all over it! The old bed has been painted, the room has been painted, curtains are up; now the fun part of putting the room together!

    If we have no peace, it is because we have forgotten that we belong to each other. - Mother Teresa

  7. #667
    Senior Member kate's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2002
    bellevue, wa, usa
    Originally posted by Sci Mom:

    Bri's anniversary is coming up in one month. It's starting to pop into my mind; little snatches of memory and heartache that catch me unawares. It will be five years. Is it possible to, on some level, grieve forever? I'm really afraid that's possible. It doesn't drive my life, or show to others (except late at night, sometimes) but it's there.
    Tomorrow is the 3rd anniversary for us. I'm finding this one harder than the first two--not sure why. I was watching Joan of Arcadia with my girls last night, and the mom was up against her own sadness. A priest quoted Kirkegaard to her, saying something about how there's nothing more painful than the future you'll never get to have.

    I think about that, the future we won't have as a family. I think about the last three years, stolen from my girls just as they were learning to make the shift from childhood to adolescence. I think about the cost to my own body, and wonder how it will manifest.

    Ah, I'm gloomy. Sorry!

    I'm also grateful, of course. This long conversation we're all part of at CC keeps me strung together as nothing else could, for one thing! The girls and I made about a million cookies today . . . it's our practice to find some way to mark the anniversary somehow. Tomorrow morning we'll be at our church after the service, standing behind the coffee tables, handing them out as our private way of saying thank you to the good people there who never let us down when we needed them.

    Bruce won't even be there. Hey, maybe that's why I'm sad! He's gone off to a men's retreat this weekend. As I write this, he's hanging out in this beautiful lodge on the Kitsap Peninsula, playing his harmonica and doing guy stuff. When he gets back tomorrow night, we're going to have dinner at the top of the downtown Hilton, all four of us, and pretend to be rich. Which, to be honest, we certainly are.

  8. #668

    It's those damn anniversaries that can do it...the gloominess, I mean. My favorite priest, now retired (or so he says) wrote me not long ago. His comments are always so wise and on-target. He pointed out something to me which I feel is relevant here: [we were also discussing the demise of my marriage since Bri's accident]:

    "I understand perfectly the "yes and no" answer that you so intelligently give to the obvious supposition that Brianna's accident was the "cause" of your divorce. In my experience, such a catastrophe does not in itself DESTROY a marriage, but it MOST SEVERELY TESTS a marriage. If the relationship is fundamentally sound, then it comes out stronger; if it is tenuous to start with, it tends to disintegrate. So I give you a lot of credit for seeing it so clearly. But the tragedy for somebody in your position was that to the inevitable pain of divorce there was added the absence of intimate companionship to share the burden. It's on this score that my heart especially goes out to you. And, of course, you are right when you say that you are still grieving, and will always grieve. There is a way in which things get easier with time, but that happens because God brings new and good things into one's life, not because he REMOVES the sad things."

    So much progress has been made: think back three years. Could you have imagined Bruce off on a men's retreat, on his own? Or for me, five years ago, seeing Brianna in ICU, or even that first year. The thought of her living on her own was unimaginable, yet in a few hours we're off to college town to look at three more apartments. We've come a long way, baby!

    But..the sadness is still there.

  9. #669
    Senior Member Obieone's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2001
    Hi everyone...

    It will be 6 years in May for us! (Feels like yesterday and at the same time it feels like its always been as it is) I have much "stuff" on this subject to share with you all - but at this moment in time we're still dealing with yet one more surgery (tomorrow) and then more recovery time to follow! This has been a very difficult Winter and I'm so relieved its almost Spring even with the anniversary of Bill's injury looming. I'll say this much for now .... I don't think I'll ever be truly without grief. The comments from your friend the Priest Kate really says so well what I believe to be true!! However,one of the biggest disappointments for me personally, was my becoming aware of aspects of my character that I'm truly ashamed of and that I could only admit to you all!! I thought I was so centred .... right.... only on those very rare "good" days!! I'm going think on this some more and get back to you folks alittle later! There's a good deal more for me to say but I just don't have the energy right now! Just wanted to touch base. Thank goodness for the Sanctuary!!

    Be well
    (Just might need that pipe alittle later!!! )

  10. #670
    Where's the pipe - I need the pipe! Here's my week in review - got home last Wed. evening from a lovely visit with lilsis; Friday am had major bridgework done on my mouth; Saturday am woke up to horrid, horrid pain, right upper abdomen. Went to ER, yep, it's the gallbladder - here's some pain pills, call the surgeon Monday, here's his card. Went home on the infamous oxycodone which did NOTHING, and two hours later was back in the ER meeting with the surgeon, who admitted me Sat. night. As of Sunday, my gallbladder is sitting in a jar of formalin somewhere, and I have four stab wounds in my tummy - feels like I've been kicked by a mule. And - I was supposed to start my new job Monday!

    Hope everyone else's week was better than mine!

    If we have no peace, it is because we have forgotten that we belong to each other. - Mother Teresa

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