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Thread: problems with a 7 year old

  1. #21
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    You have gotten some excellent advice so far, the fact that he only plays video games at your house is a great key! And Jen is right on telling him you are disappointed in his behavior .... it works wonders with some kids! Is he the only one that visits alone (I am thinking that you said they were mostly all very young?) If so, you could play on the fact that if he doesn't listen to you, maybe he isn;t old enough to visit w/ his parents after all.

    Be careful that anything involving an aide comes from you .... or you could just set up an extention of the behavior (if I am alone at Aunty Amanda's and only Miss Sue is there .....)

    I would discuss the behaviour with his dad, but tell him you want to deal with it yourself for now. It will play better in the long run. You may have other issues with him down the road, and it will be easier to deal with them in the future if your only solutioon wasn't "tell his dad".
    T7-8 since Feb 2005

  2. #22
    Senior Member watchthisbaby's Avatar
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    [QUOTE][Perhaps I'm missing a pop culture reference here, but I am wondering why you think that the child's parent should be secretive in questioning the child regarding disability and mortality.

    C./QUOTE]

    Geeeez TR I guess you did miss the memo, I thought it got CC to everyone (I'm being sarcastic). Jen Jen and Heathquad stated it better than I did when they said that sometimes coming at kids directly with an issue can make them just shut down and not converse.

    I'm sure I'm just an idiot since I've had the privilege of parenting numerous children since I did foster care for 6.5 years prior to my accident, and have been parenting for 18 years. I certainly don't think I'm an expert by any means, but I typically witnessed therapists engaging in what's called "play therapy" with kids that age. That means they would usually ask open ended questions while playing with the kids side by side. I think the theory behind this is smaller children feel more at ease to discuss things when your not necessarily face to face with them, and are more relaxed when engaging in an activity with an adult. You can always take the hard road and just yell at him and tell them him behavior is unacceptable, and he they can't go over to Auntie OJ's anymore until he can behave. Kids will usually test their boundaries, and I definitely believe their there should be consequences for his behavior. Like so many others have said, loss of privileges, and extra chores when their older.

    OJ had previously stated that her nephew doesn't treat any other adults this way, so it makes sense to me to find out what's motivating his behavior with her. So yes I think a "secret squirrel" conversation at his age is appropriate. Or maybe go find a mind-reader and see if that works (I'm being a smart butt).

    FWIW, I think your nieces, killed the spider on purpose to test you, and yup their should be consequences.
    "We're one but we're not the same. We get to carry each other" U2

  3. #23
    like so many others have said better than me; he's testing you. Not because you're paralyzed but because he's 7. The WAY he's testing is through your injury. "You're not the boss of me." lol. It's a healthy sign that he's growing up confident and independent (that's what I always told myself to save my little angel from being sold to the circus ).

    As I've thought about it, I remember when my niece was 7 (I had just married into the family) she LOVED to spend time at our place but one day I corrected something I don't even recall now she started with "I miss Aunt Lisa" "do you have her phone number, I'd like to call her." "I'm going to ask Mom to take me to see Aunt Lisa when she gets home." Aunt Lisa was hubby's ex. LOL Kids know how to push buttons, if you let them. I told my niece I didn't know how to get in touch but if was that important, I could call her mom right away and get the number so we could call. Never happened again. I talked to my hubby and SIL in private about it just to keep them up to date, learned my niece didn't even like "Aunt Lisa" LOL.

    Kids want boundaries but they have to test them all the time just to be sure the edges are still where they should be. Def be wiling to ask your aide to just put the game away. Video games are trully the best leverage an adult can have any more.

    Do tell your bro about this but ask him to let you handle it --- as others have said. He prolly will over-react given the chance. If it were my little angel, I'd boil him in oil and then ground his ass. Because as others have said, I'd be projecting my own shock and perhaps even embarassment onto the situation. But, I'd be very angry to know there had been an issue, an important one in my eyes that had been kept from me.

    Others have given some great advice. Just know that one day, he'll grow out of this.
    My blog: Living Life at Butt Level

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  4. #24
    Quote Originally Posted by gurly2356
    OMG..Punishing kids for being scared & killing a spider in a room they are expected to sleep in.

    I wouldn't go back if I were them.
    1. The girls weren't really scared. They were goofing off and acting "girly". Both of them have handled my pet tarantula in the past and have asked when I am getting another one because they want me to let them take it to school for Show and Tell.
    2. They weren't punished. They were told how disappointed I was that they would do something so hurtful.
    3. If they had really been scared, they had options. They could have asked for help removing the spider from the room or they could have asked if they could sleep in the other bedroom.
    4. One of my nieces is afraid of cats (actually, was, she's over it now). If she had killed one of my cats would you understand why I reprimanded her?
    5. This discussion is about children learning to abide by the rules given to them by their guardians. By and large, my nieces are good kids and follow the rules given to them. They love spending time with me and my husband and we enjoy having them around.

    You may not understand my spirituality, but you don't have to. My family knows that spiders are very, very important to me. As much as cats, horses and falcons. The fact that they are usually very small animals does not make their lives any less important than whatever fuzzy, feathered or finned creature you happen to value.

    C.
    Last edited by Tiger Racing; 08-06-2008 at 08:26 PM.

  5. #25
    Quote Originally Posted by watchthisbaby
    Geeeez TR I guess you did miss the memo, I thought it got CC to everyone (I'm being sarcastic).
    Not sure why you're being sarcastic here, but OK.

    I'm sure I'm just an idiot since I've had the privilege of parenting numerous children...
    Oh, fer pity's sake. I asked a simple question in order to try to understand you better and you twist that into my implying that you're not only wrong, but an idiot? Seriously?

    You can always take the hard road and just yell at him and tell them him behavior is unacceptable, and he they can't go over to Auntie OJ's anymore until he can behave. Kids will usually test their boundaries, and I definitely believe their there should be consequences for his behavior.
    Nobody suggested yelling at anyone. Everyone is saying that there should be consequences when children misbehave.

    FWIW, I think your nieces, killed the spider on purpose to test you, and yup their should be consequences.
    It's been dealt with and we're past it. They're good kids.

    C.

  6. #26
    Senior Member watchthisbaby's Avatar
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    I apologize OJ for hijacking, I know it will all work out.


    TR your passive aggresive behavior is boring.

    Attachment 23743
    "We're one but we're not the same. We get to carry each other" U2

  7. #27
    Thanks so much for all the feedback. Good stuff! The replies have given me much to think about and are greatly appreciated.

    Quote Originally Posted by lynnifer
    I don't know. What do I know? I have no children nor am I a child psychologist ... but I'm taking at stab at the answer anyway. lol
    Neither am I! The reason I had to ask for advice on here lol. But I think you and others have nailed it here. Parent or not

    Quote Originally Posted by lynnifer
    I think he's still testing ... he probably thinks when everyone is gone you get up and walk around like normal. He wants to see it so he can tell everyone that you're all better. I think it comes from a place of innocence - he wants you to be better and he wants to witness it.
    You know after I got over the initial shock of what he was doing and saying to me, this was my first thought. But I didn't want to ask him directly right then because I feared an escalation in his behaviour if I started asking him questions. I didn't want to do that with only my aide in the apartment. It is bothering me less today with a few days distance between what happened. But I do think I need to address it with him still. He is away camping for a few days, so I have some time to plan a course of action.

    Afterwards, I wondered if there was any connection to this:

    I had brought him home a kite from my holiday and he had asked me several times if I would go with him to the park to fly it. For a number of reason we weren't able to go yet. I think at 7 he has an awareness that I can't always just get in the van and go off to the park when he wants to, but I am not sure he fully understands why. Anyway I don't know for sure because he had started testing me on a much lower level even before I gave him the kite.


    Let's hope it's not a, 'Alright Aunt 'OJ', I can get away with stuff," place.
    I hope not But then I remember what a little shit I could be at my favorite aunt's house when I was young lol. And its true I might have set some of this up myself by sometimes being a bit lax in the behaviour department when any of the kids visit.

    I'm reminded of my niece when I was younger. I transferred to the rocking chair and the 3-4yr old ran screaming into the kitchen that, "Aunt Jenny is healed!" lol ... to think like that at her age!
    Stories like this make me want to laugh and cry at the same time. Very cute story, thanks for sharing. I have seen my own nieces and nephews, and even other little kids I know, sometimes come up with things rationalizing my injury and I wonder "where did they get that from?" It can be absolutely heartbreaking watching them try to understand something as complex as paralysis within the the world experience of a 4 year old. But they love you right, so they look for and grab onto anything that might help them understand the situation.


    I would just tell him that you would do anything for him, if the roles were reversed (not sure if kids that age can grasp their own mortality yet).
    I am not sure about kids grasping mortality, its something I struggle with knowing what to say to them. Its a tough thing to address with young kids...at least for me. Even my oldest nephew (10) has some very peculiar ideas when it comes to things like mortality and my paralysis being permanent. I have to admit I am still very clumsy when I try to talk to any of them about stuff like this

    (sorry for the over-quoting....I am having a problem concentration day so it was necessary to reply this way)
    Last edited by orangejello; 08-07-2008 at 11:42 AM.

  8. #28
    Quote Originally Posted by addiesue
    OJ My son will be 8 in 2 weeks. He tried getting on the top bunk one time when he was in trouble. I guess it didn't occur to him that he had to come down sometime. I agree with Betheny and the video game. I don't think I would tell him he could not come over again as TR said. Kids need to know you love them and want to see them even when they are bad.
    lol about him going up on the bunk beds

    I could never tell any child, nephew or not, they were not welcome in my home. I don't want him hating me or afraid of me, which I think would be the outcome of doing that. For sure there has to be consequences for him misbehaving. And he needs to know they will be enforced. But telling him he can't come over is a bit harsher than I am capable of being.

  9. #29
    Quote Originally Posted by sjean423
    Is he the only one that visits alone (I am thinking that you said they were mostly all very young?) If so, you could play on the fact that if he doesn't listen to you, maybe he isn;t old enough to visit w/ his parents after all.
    So far he has been the only one to visit alone when there is no other adult around except for my aide. And this was only the second time he had been here alone. We tried it once because of an emergency (my brother had to leave him here and go somewhere) and it went well. This was the first time it was a planned solo visit.

    However he started testing me even when other adults besides my aide were around. Interestingly never when his father or my mother were around though lol. But like I said, he always stopped when I said something, even if he would get into something else a few minutes later. This visit was a major escalation in his defiance.

    I think the "you aren't old enough to visit on your own if you can't behave" line might work on him. One of my other nephews (one year old than him) sometimes calls him a baby and he gets upset. I hate to use his age against him (I wouldn't call him a baby, of course) but I might have to.

    Be careful that anything involving an aide comes from you .... or you could just set up an extention of the behavior (if I am alone at Aunty Amanda's and only Miss Sue is there .....)
    Yeah the issue of my aide is a very sensitive one. I hate to get them involved in anything I absolutely don't have to as it makes me feel like I am ceding control in my own home. And having them deal with the kids isn't really part of their job so I need to be mindful of that.

    I think you are right that it would set up an extension of their behavior since the aide is not a relative or anybody they would really have a reason to listen to. I mean you would hope kids would be respectful and listen to all adults but that has not always been my experience with the kids in my life lol. Having them engage in power stuggle with me is one thing. Having one with my aide would create a whole other set of problems.

    Right now there is really only one aide that I would have the kids alone here with and that is because she has already said she doesn't mind them being here alone with me. And she is always respectful to not to overstep the boundary unless I ask. Getting the aide to put the video game away would be fine, but I am not sure I would want any involvement beyond that. The last thing I need is the kids playing me and the aide off each other.



    I would discuss the behaviour with his dad, but tell him you want to deal with it yourself for now. It will play better in the long run. You may have other issues with him down the road, and it will be easier to deal with them in the future if your only solutioon wasn't "tell his dad".
    Great points. I do know I have to tell my brother. But yeah I am hoping he will let me deal with it. Not sure he will though, even if he agrees to. I could envision my nephew acting up over something else and my brother then bringing up the incident at my house and him getting double punishment.

    Sigh, families are complicated, aren't they....
    Last edited by orangejello; 08-07-2008 at 05:47 PM.

  10. #30
    ITA with JenJen. When kids are trying to find their limits, they'll do the "you can't make me" bit whether you're in a wheelchair or standing 7ft tall.
    You did right by not over-reacting. He's at an age where he can understand if he doesn't play by the rules he can't come over to play. Hope it all works out.

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