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Thread: The everyday horror of casual mutilation

  1. #1

    The everyday horror of casual mutilation

    I'll start by admitting I am stoned on painkillers right now and probably should wait to post.

    I have, once again, injured myself without realizing it. This time it's a toe. My left great toe. Or at least, it used to be great.

    I somehow mangled it so bad this past week that the toe nail was removed today and the doc casually mentioned that, due to the infection, it may make sense to amputate the toe. One afternoon the foot was fine and then that evening when I grabbed it swing it up on the bed, it was marinating in blood and gore. When did I hurt it? How did I hurt it? If my toe hurts but my brain can’t process the sensation, am I really hurt at all?

    I am horrified that I can damage this body without knowing it. This body was once perfect and beautiful and now 3.5 years, multiple fractures, bumps, burns, and sundry owies of unknown origin later, I look like a troll. An old troll at that. If it’s this bad in spite of my vigilance, what would happen to me if I wasn’t careful?

    This paradox of being insensate and mutilated at the same time is more difficult to for me to accept than many of the other issues of my SCI. How did I get so disconnected from myself?

    My blog: Living Life at Butt Level

    Ignite Phoenix #9 - Wheelchairs and Wisdom: Living Life at Butt Level

    "I will not die an unlived life. I will not live in fear of falling or catching fire. I choose to inhabit my days, to allow my living to open me, to make me less afraid, more accessible, to loosen my heart until it becomes a wing, a torch, a promise. I choose to risk my significance; to live so that which comes to me as seed goes to the next as blossom and that which comes to me as blossom, goes on as fruit."

    Dawna Markova Author of Open Mind.

  2. #2
    Senior Member
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    Ow Jen! If its not one thing its another. Its scary what we can do without realizing it. My torn acl is pretty much self inflicted. Hope it heals up quickly!
    T7-8 since Feb 2005

  3. #3
    Quote Originally Posted by sjean423
    Ow Jen! If its not one thing its another. Its scary what we can do without realizing it. My torn acl is pretty much self inflicted. Hope it heals up quickly!
    Thanks.

    Just from current threads, Curt damaged his scrotum, Mona's coverd in blisters, you've torn an ACL, my toe... it just goes on and on. Injuries that would be major if we had sensation, but since we don't they are as casual as an AB's paper cut. I grieve for each of us over these things and I am appalled at how casual these injuries are for us.

    I recognize that I am "lucky" to not feel this foot right now. But, if I could feel it I would not have damaged it.

    The disconnection from my body ~ after spending a lifetime developing an exquisite athletic awareness of it ~ is disconcerting. All those years of yoga, meditation, martial arts, etc to develop a nuanced connection to my self to end up like this is ... ironic? tragic? kharmic? f**ked? I cannot resolve it tonight.

    It's not the injury per se. It's my lack of awareness of this injury that is causing my angst tonight.
    My blog: Living Life at Butt Level

    Ignite Phoenix #9 - Wheelchairs and Wisdom: Living Life at Butt Level

    "I will not die an unlived life. I will not live in fear of falling or catching fire. I choose to inhabit my days, to allow my living to open me, to make me less afraid, more accessible, to loosen my heart until it becomes a wing, a torch, a promise. I choose to risk my significance; to live so that which comes to me as seed goes to the next as blossom and that which comes to me as blossom, goes on as fruit."

    Dawna Markova Author of Open Mind.

  4. #4
    I have to wrap my lower legs in ace bndgs sometimes. Last weekend, one had a staple in it. Unfortch, I had a nice hole in my leg before I discovered it.

    Real sorry about the toe, JenJen.

  5. #5
    Tell me about it, I nearly castrated myself jumping into a Swimming pool the 4th of July when I got a little hung up on the brake lever jumping out of my chair into the pool.
    "Life is about how you
    respond to not only the
    challenges you're dealt but
    the challenges you seek...If
    you have no goals, no
    mountains to climb, your
    soul dies".~Liz Fordred

  6. #6
    Sorry to hear about your toe. I hope it will heal so you can keep it.

  7. #7
    Totally, I hope you keep that toe, girl.


  8. #8
    Senior Member lynnifer's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by JenJen
    ... and the doc casually mentioned that, due to the infection, it may make sense to amputate the toe...
    The problem doesn't lie with us, but with medicine. Not our fault this has happened and medicine can't fix us. Anyone else can get kidney, heart, lung, liver, etc transplants .. but still nothing for paralysis. I take issue with doctors as well, who would amputate or take otherwise drastic measures instead of giving us the same treatment that they would an AB person.
    Roses are red. Tacos are enjoyable. Don't blame immigrants, because you're unemployable.

    T-11 Flaccid Paraplegic due to TM July 1985 @ age 12

  9. #9
    Senior Member Obieone's Avatar
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    Jen ...... Jesus Mary and Joseph ..... I'm sorry this has happened to you !

    It's happened to Bill too but not to your extent .... I'll see something .... I say .. "Bill .. how did you do this ??? " ..... he says ... "what ???? " ..... no realization .... no awareness ... I'm always so saddened by the whole scenerio .....

    I'll meditate on a reasonable recovery for you ..... but it makes me want to swear profusely ..... you too ?????? ..... son of a biscut box ..... awww f**k it all anyway ..... get better ...

    ..... sorry I'm on pain meds too ..... too much chardonnay ..... we need a cure .... now ...... now .....

    Obieone
    ~ Be the change you wish to see in the world ~ Mahatma Gandi


    " calling all Angels ...... calling all Angels ....walk me through this one .. don't leave me alone .... calling all Angels .... calling all Angels .... we're tryin' and we're hopin' cause we're not sure how ....... this .... goes ..."
    Jane Siberry

  10. #10
    I'm so sorry, Jenjen. I wrote you a PM ... I'm going through something similar right now.
    Daniel

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