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Thread: Divorce, Separation, Counseling ?????????? rant

  1. #1

    Divorce, Separation, Counseling ?????????? rant

    Hi,
    I have a new SCI as of feb2007 c5/c6 complete

    My wife is my caregiver, she works 3 days a week, and we have 2 kids I am currently set up with a bed in the living room with a hospital bed. We have a room being built for the 2 of us and will be done in Aug. I haven't slept next to my wife since my injury.
    I love my wife more then I can even explain, I have the most respect for her dealing with me and all of my medical needs, Working, dealing with our 2 young boys, dealing with our finances, & insurance problems.
    I am in bed allot because I have Nueropathic pain very BAD I have tried everything but have resulted to Nuerotin & heavy pain pills. from being in bed I am constantlly asking for things and in need of help allot. wich frustrates her bad.

    Here is my problem. My wife has been very mean and negative to me lately, I try not to fight back with her, she says she has every right to be in a bad mood because she's so stressed out. but my boys see it and I dont like it.

    I have to call her from my cell at night if I have problems, Im on a all night cath because I have bladder issues ( urination every 1-2 hours at night)

    So tonight im laying here and feel wet all over (my cath has came out) so I call her she answers ver P***** off she comes down and I say "WE" forgot to check it before you went to bed (wich we always do) She says OH blame it on me and says "YOUR NOT EVEN WET" I say YES I am BUT if your going to have a bad attitude go to bed and forget it. well she considerd it then decided to throw my leg over to roll me and change my sheets I was then very upset.

    this is getting a bit to long.

    any words of wisdom I would greatly apreciate (im frustrated and ready to throw in the towel)

    S

  2. #2
    Senior Member skippy13's Avatar
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    Its not a good idea to have the spouse be the primary care giver. If it is at all possible, get a pca for yourself and give her a break. The spouse often gets burned out really quickly, and having that responsibility in addition to a lot of other new ones is not good. Getting a pca can save your marriage. You also dont want to be in an abusive environment. Get someone in to help you ASAP.

  3. #3
    Its something we have looked into unfortunately my Kaiser insurance does not cover, and we can bareley can pay our bills as it is.

  4. #4
    Senior Member skippy13's Avatar
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    What state are you in? I'm sure that there must be resources to help cover that. Maybe the others can give you some advice about resources as I dont know too much about it myself. If I was paying for insurance and they did not cover something so necessary for a c5-6 tetra, there would be hell to pay. Maybe your county or state has something outside your insurance that will help. You need it.

  5. #5
    Im in California If there is anyone that has any Ideas please ! Im in dyer need for this.

  6. #6
    Senior Member skippy13's Avatar
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    There are a lot of people in California on this site, Im sure that there is someone who can help you. The sci-nurse KLD in particular. I worry about you being in a situation where you cannot help yourself. I worry that your situation is potentially abusive.

    P.S. If you fill out the rest of your profile information, you'll find more people to be forthcoming.
    Last edited by skippy13; 07-29-2008 at 06:11 AM.

  7. #7
    Kaiser sucks if you have a serious disability. Where did you do your rehab? Do you have a Kaiser assigned physiatrist and rehab nurse? Have you talked with them about these issues?

    Do you qualify for Medi-Cal? Can you spend down to qualify? Have you explored options in this area with your local ILC or a social worker? If you can get onto IHSS, this could help with some attendant care. Having your spouse be your only caregiver is nearly always a bad idea, and results in the sexual and loving part of the relationship going out the window, the spouse being burned out and bitter, and often leads to divorce.

    Ask Kaiser to get you some marital counseling to help you both work on the relationship. Learn to do what you can for yourself. Get your bladder under control....no one should have to get up in the night to help you. If you can't learn to cath yourself, or can't find an external catheter that works, then get an indwelling catheter (SP preferably). If you don't do something (YOU, not your wife) your marriage will not last.

    (KLD)

  8. #8
    I'm a c4 and been with my spouse for 15yrs (married 1.5yrs), no kids and she is my primary cg. I do have a pca that comes every morning and 2x a week at nights to do my showers.
    1st) try to find out the answers KLD said
    2nd) get your pain under control, see a pain management dr so you can start getting out of bed
    3rd) get a craftmatic type bed if you need to sit up in bed, I just use a low air loss mattress and my wife has a regular mattress and we put them on a king size frame.

    having your spouse do cg is a straight shot to cg burnout which sounds like whats happening, I see it with my situation also. Do you have other family (brothers,sisters,cousins)or friend,neighbors, anyone who could help maybe not with the heavy cg but just light help? find some good marriage counceling or this will not last.

    Hope for the best with you
    Cripp

  9. #9
    I'd call my uro TODAY RIGHT NOW, get an appt for an S/p cath. Then TODAY RIGHT AFTER marriage counselor appt. And TODAY RIGHT AFTER THAT, start looking for a source of outside help.

    You're running out of time. Sounds like she's about done. You're a new injury, you'll get stronger in time. Right now you need to take the heat off her.

    How old are the kids? Tell her to go out / her friends while you watch them. I'd do it tonight.

    Can't you take over the financial/insurance stuff? You can type on the computer.

    At c5-6, you can do laundry if you get up in your chair.

    You need to start looking fr what you can do, and QUICK!

  10. #10
    KLD, I know kaiser sucks
    I did my rehab in kaiser fontana in house unit. no I dont have an assigned physiatrist or rehab nurse. ive asked and begged.
    Itried to get on medical and they said I have to wait 2 years post ? (Unsure why) I have requested a social worker. Im unsure what IHSS is but im going to look into it.
    Hopefully the social worker can get us into a marriage counselor.
    I have a all night cath. because My bladder is spastic I could go ever 2 hours at night. She doesnt get up to cath me. I have an apt. with my uro.
    I have a referal for an apt. to go to the pain clinic.
    I have a low air loss mattres. and the same company is building me a custom king size mattres. with low air for me and tempurpedic for her.

    Betheny,
    you are obviously un familiar with kaiser You cant just call your doctors and demand apointments, you have to get a referal from your primary, in wich you have to make an apt. with him/her to get the referal's it SUX !

    I have a 6 year old son and a 9 year old son.
    I cant do the financial stuff because my wife is an accountant and she prefer's to handle it.
    I would totally do laundry but i live in a 2 story and cant round the clothes up, and I cant get out of bed without a spotter, "Per my wife"

    I think I will see what the rest of the week will bring. she apologized to me this morning about last night, she blames not enough sleep, wich I ageed with her and promissed I would find a solution.

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