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Thread: Depression Revisited

  1. #1

    Depression Revisited

    Ok, it's "that" time of year again. All of your family and friends have the perfectly decorated tree, with perfectly wrapped gifts underneath. They're perfectly dressed and dashing off to holiday parties every night. They actually laugh and have fun at these events! I almost remember what it was like to laugh. We used to go to these same parties. I guess our invitations were lost in the mail this year. Not that we could go anyway, but it would have been nice.......

  2. #2

    re depression revisited

    Hi, MJ,

    Our first Christmas after my son's accident was spent at Kessler Rehab; not a very pretty picture!

    Now it's our third Christmas post-accident, and things DO get better. No, we don't party like we used to; and folks don't send us all the invites, either; company parties are attended by either my husband or myself, never the two of us together. But - I find myself not even liking being around a lot of partying folks anymore - seems like there's a lot of triviality that just doesn't apply to me anymore. Once, Christopher Reeve was on David Letterman - Letterman looked at him, and said, 'You've been places the rest of us never have'. I think that's true - for our family members, as well as us. We've been through the battle zone - seen things most folks will never see - have emotions most folks will never have. All else seems petty in comparison. I don't have time anymore to listen to office bickering - or petty politics - or which movie star is sleeping with which rock star - what does it matter???

    This Christmas, we'll open our presents, have coffee and breakfast, and be at peace with one another and the fact that our family is more important than anything else in the world at this moment in time.

    I know you have a difficult situation with your husband - I read your past posts - maybe it's time you just start reclaiming YOUR life, separate from his; when my son was hurt, I felt like I was joined at the hip to him for about 1 1/2 years; slowly, I've been regaining my own sense of self and self-worth and identity other than 'Matt's mom'. I wish this for you, too, and all the other caregivers; find peace within yourselves, and you'll find peace with your situation.

    Hope I'm not sounding preachy - this was all kind of 'stream of consciousness' stuff. Have a peaceful holiday. Jackie

  3. #3
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    Hey ,I like those stupid parties!hehe

    We go to less then we use to but I like the brake and change of pace especially with good friends. They don't have to be where I am. They may not even be able to relate but thats Ok with me.I think doing different things is important. I play racketball 3 times a week as well as golf when I can. Adding some diversity helps to keep me from sliping into funks.But I can certainly relate to both of you. A wish and prayer from me to all you precious folks who are caring for loved ones."May the Peace of Heaven fill your hearts and minds this holiday season and may this next year be the year of breakthrus for cures of the body and healing in our hearts. God Bless us one and all!"

  4. #4
    mj,

    I know what you mean. I am not familiar with your injury, you past, etc., so I don't know your situation.

    Like marmalady, I was in the hospital the first Christmas after my injury. I am in a new situation at a grad school, so the people I have met have been very nice and open to companionship from the likes of me (thats a joke, a joke I say sion). The higher the education, the more open people are, in my experience. I have been included in all the parties- sanctioned by the school or personal- and people don't mind helping me up the occasional high threshold.

    Caution, the paragraph below has some though that might be harmful if you don't deal with reality well.

    I don't know what is keeping you from going to parties. If it is physical barriers, friends will make an effort to make you comfortable, I have found. If it is the lack of invitations, maybe you should get some new friends as that doesn't seem too friendly to me. If your situation is keeping you from being happy, I don't know how to respond other than you are responsible you the vast majority of your happiness, in my experience.

    I don't mean to be such an egotictical prick, but I can only view your situation through my glasses.

    Hensley-Martin Management

  5. #5
    To W. Justin Martin,

    Is that your real name?! Quite a moniker! We do find our own happiness - firstly its that happiness has been redefined for us - things that were 'up' for us before, aren't so important now; secondly, since my son needs 24/7 supervision, if my hubbie and I want to party, we're stuck with finding someone who can hang with Matt so we can have a few free hours. We DO find our own happiness, like I said, it's just a different sort of happiness.

    Merry Christmas! jackie

  6. #6
    Senior Member martha's Avatar
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    Clean your glasses Justin

    Justin, it's truly wonderful that you are in a supportive environment at school and that you have obviously adjusted very well. I'm sincere in this -- no sarcasm intended. I don't know how long you've been SCI nor how long it took you to make these adjustments, but you've obviously done well. However, I think (or hope) as you mature/age, your tolerance level for other people's pain will increase. Yes, it is exceedingly hard for all of you with SCI. Harder than we caregivers can ever know. However, we caregivers also have to make adjustments. I don't know about MJ, but this is our first Christmas since my husband's accident. The differences between this year and a "traditional" Christmas are too numerous to mention. My husband is 52. He's not physically able to go partying and I can't and won't leave him alone while I do. He's probably not going to go to grad school and make new friends. And as far as my "happiness", between 24/7 caregiving, I don't really have a lot of time to "work" on it. So, unless you want to give me a lecture about learning to be happy in my new 24/7 role, try to show a little tolerance.

    martha

  7. #7
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    I do hope my post wasn't insensitive to some of you folks. I forget sometimes the different caregiving situations folks are in. No ones situation is the same.I'm truly sorry about your situation MJ.I caretake my oldest of 5 children who is C5.My wife works full time and I work part(switched roles 3 years ago). We just lost our aid for a few weeks but he should be back in about 2 weeks. Justin gets out with his friends sometimes and my other children help so my wife and I can have some breaks together.We do have some great friends and that helps alot.But we all work at trying to be at peace with our situation and sometimes it's just downright depressing.I thank God for free time and simple enjoyments.Another thought: These threads are really ment for caregivers to express themselves and have the liberty to let it all hang out. Its Ok for those we care for to see the things we're chatting about and even comment if they so choose but please realize this is where we connect and sometimes it may seem off the wall the things we share, please try not to take it to personally. Alot is just our venting thru tough moments.Like I use to say during my days as a hippie"peace baby"

  8. #8
    Senior Member martha's Avatar
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    Joseph....

    I can only speak for myself, but I didn't find your post insensitive at all. We're all in different situations and if you are able to "get out" and add some variety to the days, that's wonderful. It probably also helps you to be a better caregiver to your son, a better father to your other children and a better husband to your wife. I didn't mean to imply that no one should enjoy life or be happy. Quite the contrary. Only that in some cases, the answers aren't quite so simple as they are in others. And this time of year is an especially difficult one for many.

    As an aside, if insurance companies would understand the need for at least parttime PCA's or even respite care, it would make life a lot easier for many.

    martha

  9. #9
    I apologize. I was trying to be supportive, but it was taken as being accusatory or as a slight to someone. I would still like to urge people to take control of their own feelings without seeming like a prick, if that is possible. Whatever Christmas is in your eyes, I hope it can be the best Christmas possible.

    Martha, as far as your comments about insurance companies and PCAs, I heartily endorse your feeling. Insurance companies are in the money business, not the people business. My insurance wanted top pay for 14 days of hospitalization and rehab. At 14 days I was still in a coma. There is a broken wagon, and I don't have any idea as to what could fix it. You can't necessarily legislate PCA care- the whole capitalist thing is the ability to shop around, but if there is NO company that sees a need, the situation is never addressed. And, as you well must know by now, private help is eith inept, undependable, or too expensive, or a combo of the three.

    Merry Christmas to all.
    Hensley-Martin Management

  10. #10
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    Hey Justin,

    I really didn't think you were that off the wall. I think I just wanted to take the occation to communicate what we'd like to do as care givers in terms of our need to be open and honest on these threads.Love to all!

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