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Thread: An enjoyable read! LOL

  1. #1

    An enjoyable read! LOL

    Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.
    A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this:

    last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that
    sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15^th anniversary and
    I was looking for a little something extra for my wife, Julie.

    What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized
    taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short
    lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant,
    allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??
    WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought
    it home.

    I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the
    button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that
    if I pushed the but ton AND pressed it against a metal surface
    at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting
    back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!!
    Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn
    spot is on the face of her microwave.

    Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself
    that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A
    batteries, right?

    There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently
    (trusting little sou l) while I was reading the directions and
    thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh &
    blood moving target.

    I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a
    second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat.
    But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect
    herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it
    would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

    So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my
    reading glasses perch ed delicately on the bridge of my nose,
    directions in one hand, and taser in another.

    The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and
    disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to
    cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a
    three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on
    the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than
    three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm
    looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than
    ¾ inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with
    two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, "no
    possible way!"

    What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my
    best...? I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her
    head cocked to one side as to say, " don't do it dipshit,"
    reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole
    thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a
    one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to
    my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . . . HOLY MOTHER OF GOD

    I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door,
    picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the
    carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking
    up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body
    soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be
    found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest
    position, and tingling in my legs?

    The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before,
    clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace,
    obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body
    flopping all over the living room.

    Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser,
    one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second
    burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing
    until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing
    about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered

    A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative
    thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had
    left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading
    glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was
    upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally
    was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still
    twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain,
    and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the
    drooling. Apparently I shit myself, but was too numb to know
    for sure and my sense of smell was gone.; I saw a faint smoke
    cloud above my head which I believe was coming from my hair. I'm
    still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward
    for their safe return!!

    P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me
    with it!

  2. #2
    That's a classic.
    T-5 incomplete

  3. #3
    my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs

  4. #4
    Senior Member Tom's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2006
    SW Missouri
    Morale of the story: Try it on the cat first, not yourself! (*ducks quickly.....don't shoot, don't shoot me please, I was only just kidding dear*)


  5. #5
    Senior Member WheelieMike's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2006
    Southern Indiana
    I've read this before, but still find myself laughing. Real or not, this is funny!
    Stupidity ain't illegal, but it sure is inconvenient.

    Help me support the 2010 Bike MS.

  6. #6
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Jul 2006
    Placerville, CA
    Last edited by Juke_spin; 06-06-2008 at 06:10 PM.
    "The world will not perish for want of wonders but for want of wonder."

  7. #7
    It reminds me of my best friend and his three boys. He knows that when one of them says "Hey check this out!" ......its usually followed by a trip to the ER! LOL


  8. #8
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2007
    Thanks for the laugh today!! Personally, I would have tried it on the cat first j/k

  9. #9
    Herco.....that made my day!

  10. #10
    Very funny.

    Can't help wondering if he ever found his... well, you know. After all, what's his wife going to aim at should she ever decide to shoot at him?

    "When it comes to a choice between two evils, I will always choose the one I haven't tried before." - Mae West

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