lynnifer
05-20-2004, 05:00 PM
Alright, fess up. Who's on 'em and who finds 'em useful?
I expressed an interest in trying some this week - second time only in my entire life. My young GP said he didn't believe in them the first time - about two years ago. The nurse was 'skeptical about me using them' because the doctors in this area are receiving warnings from the pharmaceutical companies regarding those who have expressed suicide ideation (no doubt so the companies can absolve themselves of liability if something should happen - B@$#*&#S! - saturate the market and then go 'oops sorry we were wrong they aren't useful?').
I'm going through a rough time - second time on a picc line in two years - still working full time - with just enough time to come home and sleep and feel crappy from this antibiotic (Merrem). My bladder has gone nuts too - accidents galore. I feel like I'm witholding the Atlantic Ocean. Seems like every time I have a day off I have some sort of medical appointment. It's difficult to get in/out of the car/washroom/bed whilst watching where the stupid IV pump is and not dropping it. I 'unplugged' myself today for three hours knowing that the tubing had to be changed anyway - ahh freedom - only five more weeks to go - it was twelve two years ago, there had better not be an extension on this. http://sci.rutgers.edu/forum/images/smilies/frown.gif
I don't think saying that I would refuse treatment a third time is expressing suicide ideation, more like frustration ... I think it's being practical. I was worried my kidneys were shot because I had burning pain in my mid-back but the pain has gone away to be replaced with blood in the urine (which incidently I read in a CPS can be a side effect of this antibiotic). I also said if my kidneys were shot that I would not seek treatment, again I think that's my choice? It's not like I'm married, have children or close immediate family to worry about .. so what gives? Aren't I Master and Commander of my own ship here?
I know people will say 'at least you can work full time' but let me tell you - I am 31 years old, been paralyzed 19 years and am holding on by my fingertips. Trust me, I love what I do; they'll have to drag my dead carcus away from there and pry the police radio out of my cold dead hand .. but .. it's killing me. I like having nice things (if you can call a discounted - must have been hot - Prada purse a nice thing). I had to go off of work the first time I had the picc line for three months - I almost went insane with nothing to do. I see a sister about 3 or 4 times per year, a brother when he needs money - other than that, no family contact.
I read some scarey statistics the other day on Transverse Myelitis - that 65% suffer major depression (something immune system related), 45% are cognitively impaired (great, I get to die a depressed nut) and 15% commit suicide. That's pretty damn high. I have worked so hard to carve out a normal life as possible - that's always been my only goal and I have done extremely well at least I can say that - I just don't want it taken away piece by piece. I'm always so tired and it just gets worse - part of having TM if I understand correctly but half the frickin' doctors around here have never heard of it.
Another thing that scares me is that I seem to have lost the ability to relate to others (I don't really know anyone else that I chum with that's disabled - just the way it is I guess - the couple that I do one won a settlement and doesn't work, the other was born with her ailment and works just enough not to be cut off by welfare .. so nothing in common wth me). They both say I work too much and have no social life - well work doesn't talk back, hurt me and I get out of it what I put in - it's the perfect relationship in my opinion. I see those from work sometimes but it's tough to see the cops, their wives and perfect families - when I have none. I admit it, I'm happy for them - sad for me.
I tried to relate - I went to church once and was treated like the 'po disabled chile who wandered in from the cold' pfffft. I also tried a support group once but it was all old ladies (sorry to the elder females in the reading audience).
I am so sorry to vent here - I know we don't need more depressing posts around here - but I'm really scared that this is what it feels like to go nuts - a depressive cognitively impaired nut (buying into those statistics). I was about to buy my first house - this medical setback has me wondering if I just shouldn't quit everything and give up. If I do, it would almost mean certain death, I think, for this workaholic. There's a police psychologist I spoke with a couple years ago and I am thankful for that opportunity but that's no way to live either so I don't want to go back - how 'Californian' (sorry to those from California in the reading audience - I'm depressed but still have my sense of stupid humour).
I just don't know what to do anymore. These mood swings are becoming closer together and more extreme. I guess it isn't normal to look down at the IV tubing and think that if you injected an empty syringe, it would mean death from an embolism.
I honestly believe this is chemcial. I don't understand why I can't have anti-depressants - I think I'm a perfect candidate for them. I've come this far - 19yrs - without them - I say kudos to me. Then there's my 19yr old looking-like Britney Spears niece - who gets a different anti-depressant every time she's at the doctor - perhaps I should see her frickin' doctor instead.
Sorry this is so long.
I expressed an interest in trying some this week - second time only in my entire life. My young GP said he didn't believe in them the first time - about two years ago. The nurse was 'skeptical about me using them' because the doctors in this area are receiving warnings from the pharmaceutical companies regarding those who have expressed suicide ideation (no doubt so the companies can absolve themselves of liability if something should happen - B@$#*&#S! - saturate the market and then go 'oops sorry we were wrong they aren't useful?').
I'm going through a rough time - second time on a picc line in two years - still working full time - with just enough time to come home and sleep and feel crappy from this antibiotic (Merrem). My bladder has gone nuts too - accidents galore. I feel like I'm witholding the Atlantic Ocean. Seems like every time I have a day off I have some sort of medical appointment. It's difficult to get in/out of the car/washroom/bed whilst watching where the stupid IV pump is and not dropping it. I 'unplugged' myself today for three hours knowing that the tubing had to be changed anyway - ahh freedom - only five more weeks to go - it was twelve two years ago, there had better not be an extension on this. http://sci.rutgers.edu/forum/images/smilies/frown.gif
I don't think saying that I would refuse treatment a third time is expressing suicide ideation, more like frustration ... I think it's being practical. I was worried my kidneys were shot because I had burning pain in my mid-back but the pain has gone away to be replaced with blood in the urine (which incidently I read in a CPS can be a side effect of this antibiotic). I also said if my kidneys were shot that I would not seek treatment, again I think that's my choice? It's not like I'm married, have children or close immediate family to worry about .. so what gives? Aren't I Master and Commander of my own ship here?
I know people will say 'at least you can work full time' but let me tell you - I am 31 years old, been paralyzed 19 years and am holding on by my fingertips. Trust me, I love what I do; they'll have to drag my dead carcus away from there and pry the police radio out of my cold dead hand .. but .. it's killing me. I like having nice things (if you can call a discounted - must have been hot - Prada purse a nice thing). I had to go off of work the first time I had the picc line for three months - I almost went insane with nothing to do. I see a sister about 3 or 4 times per year, a brother when he needs money - other than that, no family contact.
I read some scarey statistics the other day on Transverse Myelitis - that 65% suffer major depression (something immune system related), 45% are cognitively impaired (great, I get to die a depressed nut) and 15% commit suicide. That's pretty damn high. I have worked so hard to carve out a normal life as possible - that's always been my only goal and I have done extremely well at least I can say that - I just don't want it taken away piece by piece. I'm always so tired and it just gets worse - part of having TM if I understand correctly but half the frickin' doctors around here have never heard of it.
Another thing that scares me is that I seem to have lost the ability to relate to others (I don't really know anyone else that I chum with that's disabled - just the way it is I guess - the couple that I do one won a settlement and doesn't work, the other was born with her ailment and works just enough not to be cut off by welfare .. so nothing in common wth me). They both say I work too much and have no social life - well work doesn't talk back, hurt me and I get out of it what I put in - it's the perfect relationship in my opinion. I see those from work sometimes but it's tough to see the cops, their wives and perfect families - when I have none. I admit it, I'm happy for them - sad for me.
I tried to relate - I went to church once and was treated like the 'po disabled chile who wandered in from the cold' pfffft. I also tried a support group once but it was all old ladies (sorry to the elder females in the reading audience).
I am so sorry to vent here - I know we don't need more depressing posts around here - but I'm really scared that this is what it feels like to go nuts - a depressive cognitively impaired nut (buying into those statistics). I was about to buy my first house - this medical setback has me wondering if I just shouldn't quit everything and give up. If I do, it would almost mean certain death, I think, for this workaholic. There's a police psychologist I spoke with a couple years ago and I am thankful for that opportunity but that's no way to live either so I don't want to go back - how 'Californian' (sorry to those from California in the reading audience - I'm depressed but still have my sense of stupid humour).
I just don't know what to do anymore. These mood swings are becoming closer together and more extreme. I guess it isn't normal to look down at the IV tubing and think that if you injected an empty syringe, it would mean death from an embolism.
I honestly believe this is chemcial. I don't understand why I can't have anti-depressants - I think I'm a perfect candidate for them. I've come this far - 19yrs - without them - I say kudos to me. Then there's my 19yr old looking-like Britney Spears niece - who gets a different anti-depressant every time she's at the doctor - perhaps I should see her frickin' doctor instead.
Sorry this is so long.