MattGimpin
05-18-2006, 05:42 AM
It was about this time in the early morning, May 18, 2003 when I became inducted into the Cripple Club. We had just returned to a friend of a friend's apartment after going out drinking in celebration of the friend's graduation from Colorado State University in Fort Collins.
I remember trying to fall asleep on the floor but I couldn't so I walked outside to the balcony to smoke a cigarette and call my girlfriend and let her know I had made it home safe. I was so careful that night- I made sure we had a DD, I had a place to stay the night, we were with people I trusted.
The next thing I knew I was lying face down on the grass, three stories below, unable to move. I didn't know where I was or how I got there. I didn't know how long I had been there. I couldn't figure out why my legs wouldn't work. I guess some people know instantly when they're paralyzed but that thought didn't cross my mind until I was placed on the stretcher.
All I knew is I was alone in the dark and I couldn't get up. I remember being able to move my arms a little and I tried to push myself up, like a push-up. That didn't work so I yelled for help. I thought I was just too drunk to get up and needed a hand. Someone would come up to me, help me up, and help me walk back to bed, I thought. There were some college kids out on another balcony across the way but they just laughed at me. I told them I couldn't get up and I needed help but they just laughed and hollered and didn't move. I felt completely humiliated and helpless, like someone waiting for the guillotine in medieval Europe. I wanted to break free from the chains and kill them.
Finally, a middle-aged lady in the first floor apartment I was lying next to heard me and came outside. I told her I couldn't get up and needed help. She told me to stay still and hollered to her husband to call an ambulance. She stayed by me until the paramedics came, all the while assuring me everything would be okay.
The paramedics came and it was anything but pleasant. They asked me what happened, I told them I was staying on the third floor and went outside and that's the last thing I remembered. To this day I don't remember how or why I fell. The last thing I remember is being on the balcony looking at the stars.
The paramedics thought I was trying to rob the place and asked me all kinds of questions about what I was doing there, as they stabilized my head and neck. I remember being so frustrated, scared and confused. They must have asked me 15 times if I was on drugs until the point where I just lost it and started yelling/crying.
Once I was on the stretcher with my head stabilized, I knew the situation was grave. I didn't know if I was going to live or die. The thought of being in a wheelchair ran through my mind. I got so scared and all I could think of was my girlfriend, who was living in California. (Still is, and why I am now in CA). I wondered if I did end up in a wheelchair if she would still love me.
I still remember how hard that stretcher felt to the back of my head. I remember asking for a pillow and a glass of water 100 times. I didn't understand why I couldn't have either. The combination of the paramedics' rude manner toward me plus complete discomfort plus drunk and scared Matt was not pretty at all.
The 35-foot fall completely shattered my right femur, and broke C1 and C6 in my neck. I remember feeling lucky to be alive and sure that I would recover in no time. The doctors were amazed that I lived and said that most people who fall from that distance suffer organ failure and die.
I am not sure how I feel at this moment. When I think back to that night it makes me sad. There are a lot of unanswered questions about what happened on that balcony that I will probably never know. I guess my mind has just blocked out the event completely.
I can't believe I have lived with this for three years. I remember thinking how it would have been so much easier if I had died. I remember thinking when I got home from the hospital that if I wasn't 'normal' again by the time I was 25 I would end it all. "Alive at 25."
So, I turn 25 next month and to be honest, I am much more upset about that than this anniversary. I feel like a failure, like I haven't accomplished anything in my life. I guess there's still time.
I remember trying to fall asleep on the floor but I couldn't so I walked outside to the balcony to smoke a cigarette and call my girlfriend and let her know I had made it home safe. I was so careful that night- I made sure we had a DD, I had a place to stay the night, we were with people I trusted.
The next thing I knew I was lying face down on the grass, three stories below, unable to move. I didn't know where I was or how I got there. I didn't know how long I had been there. I couldn't figure out why my legs wouldn't work. I guess some people know instantly when they're paralyzed but that thought didn't cross my mind until I was placed on the stretcher.
All I knew is I was alone in the dark and I couldn't get up. I remember being able to move my arms a little and I tried to push myself up, like a push-up. That didn't work so I yelled for help. I thought I was just too drunk to get up and needed a hand. Someone would come up to me, help me up, and help me walk back to bed, I thought. There were some college kids out on another balcony across the way but they just laughed at me. I told them I couldn't get up and I needed help but they just laughed and hollered and didn't move. I felt completely humiliated and helpless, like someone waiting for the guillotine in medieval Europe. I wanted to break free from the chains and kill them.
Finally, a middle-aged lady in the first floor apartment I was lying next to heard me and came outside. I told her I couldn't get up and needed help. She told me to stay still and hollered to her husband to call an ambulance. She stayed by me until the paramedics came, all the while assuring me everything would be okay.
The paramedics came and it was anything but pleasant. They asked me what happened, I told them I was staying on the third floor and went outside and that's the last thing I remembered. To this day I don't remember how or why I fell. The last thing I remember is being on the balcony looking at the stars.
The paramedics thought I was trying to rob the place and asked me all kinds of questions about what I was doing there, as they stabilized my head and neck. I remember being so frustrated, scared and confused. They must have asked me 15 times if I was on drugs until the point where I just lost it and started yelling/crying.
Once I was on the stretcher with my head stabilized, I knew the situation was grave. I didn't know if I was going to live or die. The thought of being in a wheelchair ran through my mind. I got so scared and all I could think of was my girlfriend, who was living in California. (Still is, and why I am now in CA). I wondered if I did end up in a wheelchair if she would still love me.
I still remember how hard that stretcher felt to the back of my head. I remember asking for a pillow and a glass of water 100 times. I didn't understand why I couldn't have either. The combination of the paramedics' rude manner toward me plus complete discomfort plus drunk and scared Matt was not pretty at all.
The 35-foot fall completely shattered my right femur, and broke C1 and C6 in my neck. I remember feeling lucky to be alive and sure that I would recover in no time. The doctors were amazed that I lived and said that most people who fall from that distance suffer organ failure and die.
I am not sure how I feel at this moment. When I think back to that night it makes me sad. There are a lot of unanswered questions about what happened on that balcony that I will probably never know. I guess my mind has just blocked out the event completely.
I can't believe I have lived with this for three years. I remember thinking how it would have been so much easier if I had died. I remember thinking when I got home from the hospital that if I wasn't 'normal' again by the time I was 25 I would end it all. "Alive at 25."
So, I turn 25 next month and to be honest, I am much more upset about that than this anniversary. I feel like a failure, like I haven't accomplished anything in my life. I guess there's still time.