Why do you want kids?

[pianodave]

I'm really confused with all this wanting a kid stuff.

First, I support any SCI person's decision to have a child. It is their prerogative, and I wish them the best.

But my confusion stems over a simple question. Why would you want to have a child, especially after SCI? Doesn't make sense to me. So much was taken away from your ability to be independent (conceivably), and now you want to add a kid to take what little of your time and energy you have left?

Kids take away your free time. They drain money, energy, and cause stress. Why would you want to add that to your life, ESPECIALLY now that you have been dealt such an awful situation? It seems counterintuitive, and self-destructive.

I am a strong advocate of people finding fulfillment in their lives. I guess I can believe ABs when they say parenthood is the best thing to happen to them. But SCIs wanting to be parents? I would personally rather go out and live the best I can, instead of staying at home and raising a child.

I'm sure that there's something I'm missing here. Maybe when I get older, I'll see that parenthood brings indescribable joy and fulfillment. But it's not the only thing out there. And I would think, as people who suffer through SCI, more of you would realize that there's a lot more to life than being a parent.

I'm sorry if I offended anyone with this post, but I would like some answers from SCI men/women who would like to be parents in the future. What do you find so appealing?

Sincerely,

Piano Dave

[Buck_Nasty]

I'd like to have someone around that I can boss around all the time.

Seriously, I have no desire to be a father right now, but I hope to
one day have children. If done right, you won't be the only parent,
don't forget that.

Also, as the kid gets older, maybe they can be of some help to your
situation.

I would like to have children to pass on my name. It would be cool
to see what they would look like and act like. I'll be damned if I let
my injury stop me from being a father.

[CurlieQCarrie]

Dave,

Are you around little kids ever? Do you spend any time with them, knowing them, playing with them, loving them (even though they aren't yours)? Spending time with kids can do a lot to change a person's mind.

I have been around little kids my entire life. I am the 4th of 5 children, and my sister had my first niece when I was 5. Kids have always been around. I have spent due time babysitting, change diapers, giving baths, giving piggybacks, teaching them to swim. All of the fun stuff before SCI. Two weeks before I got hurt, I found out my brother and his wife were having another baby, and I can't even tell you how happy I was. I ran around the house like I was on drugs. When it was about time for my sister-in-law to have Caleb, I worried about whether I'd even be able to hold him. I didn't want to drop him or something. But I did just fine. He is the only nephew I have who has never seen me walk. He might never get to. But does that stop him from loving me? No way. I love that kid to pieces. He knows it. I know it. Most everyone who sees him with me knows it.

I plan on having kids. Definitely. It's scary, yes. Part of my confidence that I will be alright is Caleb (sorry I talk about him a lot) and that my brother and his wife trust me, even despite SCI and my chair, to babysit still. He's only 2 and, yeah, it's a challenge sometimes when I watch him. I can do it though. I think I have proven that to a lot of people and I can't wait to have one of my own...just have to settle down and be ready first of course. Oh yea, and find a good guy who wants a kid too. :p

I think that anyone who has the ability to love and nuture can raise a child. Not everything has to be physically done by you to be a good parent. Maybe part of good parenting as a SCI is being able to ask another person (one who is able) to help out with what is hard. I'd be more than happy to put my pride on the line to have my little girl or boy look at me and say "Mommy!"

[jayday9]

I definitely want kids....I have been around kids my entire life and absolutely love 'em....It was the weirdest thing, I could be in a restaurant and have a kid I've never met before poke his head over the booth and grin...It was always just so genuinely heartwarming to have those interactions with little kids.....Yea, I'm a softy..Wanna fight about it ;)

Now its harder...I miss getting down on the floor to wrestle with my cousins more than I do playing football....Now they kind of see the chair and don't know what to think....

I always envisioned myself as being the big time sport dad....out there coaching my kids, helping them practice....Now I can't even throw a football correctly :(

I still want kids though...for sure....They bring so much joy into your life....

[KiranA]

Aw, Carrie. You make me smile. And I hope you have ooodles of children. Okay, well not ooddles, but as many as you want.

I don't think my life would ever feel complete without children in it. They are a true source of joy for me and if I'm lucky enough, I'll be a mother one day. If not, I'll try and be the best aunt a kid could ever have.

[lynnifer]

Even when you've met the right person ... there seems to be a void ... and I think that void is lack of children. Sure, they will take up all your extra time and money ... but the feeling of pride, accomplishment, connection, familial intimacy ... wouldn't that be worth it? It doesn't seem like it would be a walk in the park ... they could cause you trouble, lots of it at that ... but it's a risk. What thing in life isn't a risk?

A lot of the guys I work with say if their wife died, it would be tragic ... but to lose a child could end them.

At 33 and with chronic pressure sore problems, it isn't going to happen for me. It should have in my late twenties ... but it just didn't.

You can't let the disability dictate your life for you ... it's difficult to step out of the box and ask if it is something you would have done, should the SCI never have happened. For me, that answer was definitely yes! But unfortunate health and luck and time have changed all that.

I am mulling adoption over in the back of my mind ... not too old or unhealthy for that. Lot of money involved though. I, too, admire the ones who have gone on to childbear despite physical obstacles.

Just speaking for myself, a guy saying he doesn't want children would be a big turn-off for me ... even though I can't have them now. It's just too closed-minded for me and indicative of that closed-mindedness. OTOH, some couples defend their choice of not having children fiercely. Hey that's fine ... if you find a partner that agrees with you.

[bob clark]

If done right, you won't be the only parent, don't forget that.

Let wifey do all the hard and smelly work and you can play with them at your leisure. Get daddy another beer outta the fridge junior. That's the right attitude.

Also, as the kid gets older, maybe they can be of some help to your situation

Get a helper monkey too. But seriously, to have kids so that when they get older and "stronger" they'll be able to help you with your SCI doesn't seem, at least to me, to be the proper reason for having kids. Fathers help raise and nurture their children, not the other way around. Especially in our society. In poor, third world countries that's one of the main reasons (it's a form of old age Social Security) for having children, and lots of them, but not here in the US and most modern countries.

And that passing on the name (your genes) stuff seems a bit egotistical to me. In all animals, (including humans) especially in the wild, it's genetically built into animals to pass on their genes and some will fight to the death for the opportunity. But humans can reason beyond that desire and concept.

Why do you think fucking is so much fun and feels so good... it's designed that way to encourage reproduction. In the same way that eating feels good, it encourages us to do it so we'll survive.

If fucking hurt, would we be very concerned about losing our ability to do it!?

[Salimacatwoman]

I think we can give love to kids that aren't born from us,there are plenty lonely/abandoned/mistreated kids in our world that simply would be happy if there is someone who wants them as a son/daughter.

There was a time I wanted to be a mom,it was when I met one of the guys who have been "the love of my life" (only 2 men-one disabled and the other non disabled),the disabled was a little cruel but showed me "the inconveniences of our situations",then he married a nurse, the non disabled couldn't really handle the disability issue and he prefered a MILF with 3 kids...on the other hand, i have also discovered that it would be irresponsible from me being a single mom,besides a little extra burden I don't need nowadays,my parents have never denied me any help and I know that if I wish having a baby they would help me in all but heck!,that is not my purpose in life, I love my parents but I have had enough of "listening their advices due to my disability and live with them" . Having a baby just would chain me more to them (considering I don't have a husband and I don't think I'll have one any soon),besides and needless to say: as a disabled, it'd be very uncomfortable and too risky carrying a baby for many issues and circumstances, and well pain simply don't mix with being pregnant because No chance of medicines (even for bowel routine)...,just a few months ago, my sister in law delivered her first baby (Dec. 2nd,2005),she was living with us the last months of her pregnancy because she developed preclamsy (not sure its well written),high blood pressure, swollen feet, constipation,etc (she was a very healthy woman when she wasn't pregnant),besides all this she suffered back pain (due to the baby weight),and her doctor almost didn't allow her having medicine,unless it was really needed,even pills for constipation weren't allowed,she could only get Senokot in a extreme constipation case...when her baby was delivered, the doctor made a C-section to her due to the high blood pressure,anyway I have witnessed 2 pregnancies at my home and if for non disabled women is painful,tiring and risky, I can imagine how it'd be for a disabled one! and I really don't want that for me,on the other hand I am 35, as I get older in age also I'll be into my body, I've been plenty radiated with Xrays, I've used plenty medicine,I don't have a safe job (in the sense of having medical support and a disability check, all this is non existent in Mexico,so if I don't work i don't have $$$$),the last thing I ever want is adding a "new son/dughter" to my parents,they have offered me any help but it'd be abusive from me,they are seniors now (over 64) and it simply wouldn't be wise enough.

One day,maybe I would like adopting a daughter, but a girl that is a little older than a baby,a girl between 6 or 7 years old,but time will say....

[pianodave]

Thanks for your replies. I hope it works out for all of you :)

[CurlieQCarrie]

I mean, seriously, who could pass up times like these?

Here he is one night while I was babysitting--ice cream for desert. He loves his pic taken.
http://i4.photobucket.com/albums/y128/curlieqcarriek/babybird.jpg

[Aly]

I guess it depends on what you find joy in. I do not think my life would be any harder with a little one running around versus none. To see how much they change and grow every day is just amazing to me. But like Carrie and others have said I have almost always been around children therefore I think it is ingrained in me. I can't imagine passing up the big hug, the kiss, and the I love you Aly from my niece.

As for free time, what the hell is that? I'm not sure I have had any of that in years. Carrie that pic is adorable :)

[Buck_Nasty]

Get a helper monkey too. But seriously, to have kids so that when they get older and "stronger" they'll be able to help you with your SCI doesn't seem, at least to me, to be the proper reason for having kids. Fathers help raise and nurture their children, not the other way around. Especially in our society. In poor, third world countries that's one of the main reasons (it's a form of old age Social Security) for having children, and lots of them, but not here in the US and most modern countries.


You missed the point I was trying to make, but there is always some
asshole trying to twist my words.

I didn't have a dad, but I had my grandfather. From the age of 10
on up to my injury, I was his right hand. I helped him with everything
and it was a great experience.

Hope you can twist this one around too, asshole.

[mr_coffee]

This forum is going up in flames hah.

But i do want kids as well! Just watching them grow would be exciting like little sea monkies! wee

[christopher]

I had my two boys before my accident, my first when I was 24. I'm so happy I did. They're beautiful. They fill me with a sense of pride, accomplishment and they'll carry on my name and a part of me when I pass on. And they're the only two people I know that don't look at me any differently after my accident. I'd love to have more kids if I find the right girl. People with SCI want kids for the same reasons AB people want kids. Wait until you're 30. You'll see.

Many more pictures. (http://carecure.org/forum/showthread.php?t=46838)

[bikerdave]

I guess I can believe ABs when they say parenthood is the best thing to happen to them. But SCIs wanting to be parents? I would personally rather go out and live the best I can, instead of staying at home and raising a child.

Piano Dave,

You are so incredibly off-base on all of this.

I get to speak from a unique perspective here. My wife was about 5 months pregnant with our first child when I had my accident. My injury is at T-9, so I'm not that far off from you.

Having Ryan in my life is the absolute best thing that has ever happened to me. I am living the best I can. Every day I get to watch my son grow up. I get to see him smile when I roll into the room. I get to play with him, toss him around, crawl across the floor after him. He points at me and yells "Da!!" You can't beat that. He rides around on my lap like he's a king. He's just learning to walk now. Am I jealous? Absolutely! But I'm also so damn proud. I can not imagine not having him in my life.

I refuse to let my SCI stop me from making the best of things. Just because things are harder or there are limitations doesn't mean that I'm going to be afraid to try. Your whole post is littered with phrases like "awful situation," and "so much was taken away from your ability to be independent." It seems like you're already giving up. You're injured, get over it. Move on with your life and stop being afraid of things.

[bikerdave]

originally a duplicate post, but for the heck of it, here's another photo...

[bob clark]

You missed the point I was trying to make, but there is always some asshole trying to twist my words..

Yeah tough guy, always someone trying to twist your words around and make you look the fool. Poor you. Next time don't try to make a point, just fuckin' make it, it won't be "missed" and no one will be able, as you claim, to "twist" your words around.

I didn't have a dad, but I had my grandfather. From the age of 10 on up to my injury, I was his right hand. I helped him with everything and it was a great experience.

Boohoo about your daddy. Mine was an abusive alcoholic who was murdered in my house when I was 14. We lived with the stink of his putrefied blood on the carpeting for months. Life's tough, ain't it? Wanna compare dick sizes too?

Very touching story about your grandpappy, but what good have you done lately?

Hope you can twist this one around too, asshole

Typical namecaller. You don't have a responsive reply to what I wrote so you namecall. I in effect question your stated motives for bringing a child into this world and you get upset and lose your temper. Not very desirable fatherly traits. Let's hope your genes stay in your jeans for the sake of Bucky Jr., daddy's little personal gofer to be.

[november]

What makes people happy varies, but I wouldn't let a SCI stop you from having kids if you wanted them before or want them now. Personally, I was always the youngest and haven't been around kids much. I never dreamed of the whole wedding, family, kids scenerio like a lot of little girls do. It doesn't mean I don't want it...it doesn't mean I do. Whatever happens, happens. Right now I have no desire for kids, but have two handsome little nephews I adore. Just because you don't have kids doesn't mean your life will be incomplete. Remember, everyone is different.

[Buck_Nasty]

Boohoo about your daddy. Mine was an abusive alcoholic

Very sorry to hear about your father, i'd have been an alcoholic to if
I was your dad. Later

[christopher]

Can we keep the flaming from poisoning every Goddam topic in these forums please? Thank you.

[2jazzyjeff]

This forum is going up in flames hah.

atleast wait on me.............. :devdude:

I'd like to have someone around that I can boss around all the time.

:nono: no no... that's why i have you around being my lil' bitch... ;)

Seriously, I have no desire to be a father right now

NO SHIT!!!!!!!!! REALLY? you have to like women, not men gay boy.. :p

Seriously for me, i have 3 nephews and 2 nieces... they are the greatest. i enjoy taking them places and we have alot of fun. i can only imagine spoiling my own children and making lots of memories being that i'm just a big kid anyway.. :) i 1st need to conquer another thread here.... a g/f, then hopefully a wife... both being the same person. :zombie:

ok Buck, i left the door open... note: not the back door as you'd prefer..

[Broknwing]

Ok people, Pianodave asked a serious question and was looking for honest answers. I am sure he appreciates the answers he got and I'll give mine as well. However, do y'all think that you can quit attacking each other? Was there really a need to?


Now, Dave, my opinion? I've wanted kids of my own as long as I can remember. I don't see my SCI changing that. Yeah, being pregnant and in a chair might be more difficult, no I won't be able to run after them as easily. BUT the happiness that I get from being around children in general and specifically the ones that are special to me(I'm auntie 'Chelle to my good friends 3 kids) is incomparable. I can't completely explain it, maybe it's a parental instinct, but I've always taken well to children and they've always taken well to me. April & Joel don't see me any different than before my SCI and Rachael was an infant when I had my accident so she really doesn't remember the walking me....They all still see me as Auntie 'Chelle, they all still respect my authority when I must use it and enjoy playing when it's time to have fun. I really think Carrie expressed a lot of my feelings about parenthood best. My biggest concern honestly is that I'm 30 and I'm not getting any younger. That has nothing to do with my SCI, at 28 even before my SCI, I was saying the same thing....I get concerned about wether or not I"m going to ever meet Mr right to have the family that I dream of with.

PianoDave, I understand your concerns and questions. The big thing to consider is wether or not you would have wanted kids pre-sci. If the answer was no then, your answer will probably remain no now....If the answer was yes then, in my opinion, you shouldn't let the SCI cause you to not want them. This is only my opinion however, and evryone's entitled to their own.....I find joy and happiness in children, they rarely cause me stress or a negative energy drain....Yeah, sometimes they drain my energy, but usually in a good way, by doing things with them and making me feel more active and alive....

Dave, did I answer your questions, hit the points you were concerned about? Feel free to ask more from me, I'll try to answer as best I can...

[1 Fine Spine RN]

Its true. Generally in topics like these people who want kids or have them argue against people who don't. The bigger crime is someone who HAS children against his or her own better judgement, or frivolously with no forthought on how they will cope with the life long responsibility of raising them. If you have doubts, don't have any, and hope it does not create a regret later on. Raising kids is not for the faint of heart. One needs flexibility and a huge sense of self and humor. Having kids is the center of my life, but if I had not had them I would have wayyyy more money...wayyy more time and live in a wayyyy cooler place than here. No complaints but that is just the truth. Nothing wrong with not having kids, and Buck Nasty seems to have good focus and a twisted sense of humor so he will most likely make a good father. Proof is always in the pudding though...so to speak...oh and my kids are perfect by the way..I am mother of the year.

Mary

[bob clark]

Can we keep the flaming from poisoning every Goddam topic in these forums please? Thank you.

Yes, I can.

Very sorry to hear about your father, i'd have been an alcoholic to if
I was your dad. Later

If I were your dad I'd give you a big ol' bear hug and tell you how proud I am of you and of what you've done with your life. Atta boy Buck.

[Cspine]

I would like to have children to pass on my name. It would be cool to see what they would look like and act like. I'll be damned if I let my injury stop me from being a father.

I'm with f&#k tard on this one. I already have two kidlets tho.

[pianodave]

Ah, I see. Thank you bikerdave. I will say I didn't want kids before the injury, so I guess I come from a different perspective. I agree with what you said about not letting an SCI stop you--I certainly wouldn't if I wanted kids.

I certainly didn't mean for this to erupt into flames. I asked a serious question. As I said, I have the UTMOST respect for people who want to have children, SCI or not. Just not my decision--live and let live, right?

Either way, my question was not intended to disparage anyone who wants children. I guess people who want them don't see them the same way as people who don't. And as a result, like someone said, the effects are only positive for those people.

As for me, I guess maybe when I turn 30, I'll look at it the same way as you do. I'm open to my mind changing. As of now, from the perspective of a college student starved for time, love, and energy, I would have to pass.

Sincerely,

Piano Dave

[Broknwing]

.....I will say I didn't want kids before the injury, so I guess I come from a different perspective. I agree with what you said about not letting an SCI stop you--I certainly wouldn't if I wanted kids.
........
As for me, I guess maybe when I turn 30, I'll look at it the same way as you do. I'm open to my mind changing. As of now, from the perspective of a college student starved for time, love, and energy, I would have to pass.

Sincerely,

Piano Dave

Piano Dave-

I quoted only the parts of your reply that I'm replying to, although you had very insightful things to say throughout. :) The first statement was one of the things I mentioned in my reply. I'm not surprised to see you say that it wasn't a huge desire of yours pre-sci. I'm also glad to see that you're open to your mind changing with time/life/love/etc. Don't worry right now about your lack of desire to have kids, you said it best yourself, you're young and in college. You've got other things that are your priorities. Enjoy those and pursue those. Being a college student is a full time job. I hope that you do find love and the time for love along the way. And as you said, when you get nearer to 30(my old age ;) ) You may or may not change your mind....But you don't need to stress about it. Enjoy life now. I appreciate your willingness to ask why those of us that want kids do and willingness to listen to our opinions. Sorry some people couldn't keep from flaming and attacking in your thread.

[Buck_Nasty]

If I were your dad I'd give you a big ol' bear hug and tell you how proud I am of you and of what you've done with your life. Atta boy Buck.



Relax bro, I don't know you, but you clearly quoted the part that
you liked. That was not the point of that comment. What I meant was,
that children become less of a burden as they grow. Make of it what
you will, sorry it had to come to some nasty comments.

Pianodave, sorry we trashed part of your thread bro, I gave a sincere
answer, not everyone agreed, oh well.

Seriously, i'm sure that the persons level of injury has more to do with
a decision to have children. A T10 would have an easier time with
children than a C5.

[jplw]

After careful thought, I have decided that this question is the same whether you have a SCI or not. A SCI only adds one more inconveniance. A couple of my friends have new children and I couldn't be the father of a baby like I was 7 years ago. I can't put a carseat in the back seat, lift a baby out of a crib, or chase after the toddler running toward the road just to name a few. I am looking at this from a single father's point of view though. This is the only kind of father that I have ever been. I imagine that in the ideal two parent situation it is more than feasible. So then, it's actually the same question SCI or not.

[Moody]

:baby:

Parenting is one of the greatest joys in life. I hope people wont let SCI stand in the way if they want a child. My husband is a wonderful father. He amazes me in every way. He figures out how to do things I could never come up with if the shoe was on the other foot. And our son ADORES him.

[krazykate]

I most definately wanted kids, ever since being a kid. No second thought was ever given to carrying on the irish catholic tradition of having a big family. Being the eldest and having 20+ younger cousins, babysitting provided a full time job and I absolutely loved every minute of it. I have been around kids my entire life and absolutely love 'em....It was the weirdest thing, I could be in a restaurant and have a kid I've never met before poke his head over the booth and grin...It was always just so genuinely heartwarming to have those interactions with little kids..... Reading that I couldn't help but get a big smile, it reminding me of the same thing that happened just last week. An adorable young boy popping his head over the booth and giggling as I made silly faces getting the same enjoyment out of seeing his reactions. HOWEVER, accompanying these moments of joy with children I can't help but feel some of my heart break too. I think with my SCI I not only lost the movement of my legs and hands but lost the dreams of having children too.
In choosing to become a mother you carry two responsibilities.....to love that child unconditionally and to provide the best possible care for him or her. Although we live in a world of wonderful medical advancements childbirth still carries heavy risks. Lets say perhaps that child, God forbid, was born having some sort of defect.....although I do not question my ability to love that child to the fullest, being a c-6 quad I could never give the adequete care that may be required. To run this possibilty is something I never think I'll be able to do.

[Jadis]

My son was born 10 days after I turned 20. I love him, but the situation at the time was not good. He would love to have siblings and constantly held on to his favorite toys and outgrown clothes "for his baby brother." He's held onto this stuff for the last 12 years. He finally understands why there won't be one, and saved his favorite stuff for the memory box. Last summer he was able to let go of all those clothes and we donated them to the Veterans Food Pantry. I would love to have another child. I wish I could have another one. I love having kids and actually enjoyed being pregnant. It's not in the cards though.

[Aly]

Moody, I was wondering when we were going to get new baby pics. How cute!

[Davey]

Because this guy has made me smile for the last 19 years...

[NJenn]

I have no children, and the jury's out on whether I ever will, but I do have many friends with disabilities (SCI, CP, MD) who have kids. Let me tell you this--

Want more people in this world who are accepting, truly accepting, of disability, difference, adversity, struggle, etc? Then have a child. Ok, so it's definitely not the only reason to have kids, but the kids of my crip friends are the best kids I've ever met. Hands down. They just get it from the youngest ages. Disability is natural to them, just like it should be for everyone.

[cali]

i always wanted kids and i still do when the time is right.

i'm not physically capable of bearing a child just now (without health concerns with being a quad) and i still have school and everything else before i even think of kids.

plus, i got growin up to do still.;)

[westcoast_gc]

Why do I want Kids? After many years pondering, I finally realized, I can teach my child how to be better than me. I would love to have a child. Boy or Girl, it doesn't matter. I spent many years pursuing my biochemistry degree and I finally realized, I can give a child knowledge. Knowledge which will help in todays: environment, economy, world view and hopefully a better world to live in. A smile in the eye's of a child. All I can say is WOW!! Hope I will have the opportunity to succeed in having the challenge of being a proud parent. :applaud: Needless to say, my wife and I are trying to have this kind of blessing.

[1 Fine Spine RN]

:baby:

Parenting is one of the greatest joys in life. I hope people wont let SCI stand in the way if they want a child. My husband is a wonderful father. He amazes me in every way. He figures out how to do things I could never come up with if the shoe was on the other foot. And our son ADORES him.


This is the cutest baby I have seen in a long time!! Look how happy and healthy he is and just look at those cheeks!! I want to babysit. Such cuteness!!! Good Job Moody, life is different now eh?

Mary

[Wheelchair_Diva]

I used to ask myself this question all the time before I had my son. Honestly there isn’t a logical answer to why people want to have kids (AB or not); it seems more logical not to have any children now days, but having the unconditional love of someone that looks at you like you are some type of hero, that admire you and accept you just the way you are is priceless. I would not change my life as a mother for anything. I may not be the best mom, but it is worth trying.

[KiranA]

I got a lil teary-eyed looking at your boy grow up, Davey :) Thanks for sharing....

[30something]

I got a lil teary-eyed looking at your boy grow up, Davey :) Thanks for sharing....


I did too!! What an awesome response!!!

[ROYALTY79]

Having kids has been something I've been thinking abot lately. I feel like I'm on the late bus because I'm 27 yrs old and majority of my peers have wives/families. I'm stuck because I want kids, but then again I don't. Atleast no time soon. My day is so consumed with just doing daily living tasks and classes I don't feel I have the time for children.

When I was 18 my girlfriend got pregnant, but had a abortion. I often wonder what my life would be like now if I had those kids today. I feel like it would be harder for me to deal with my injury. So when I look at my bro and sis w/ their kids I'm almost glad not not be a parent at this point(which kinda makes me feel bad for feeling this way). I truly think I wouldnt be able to handel it. I'm exhausted just taking care of me, and thats including the help I get from my family.

I love my neices 2 death, but when they've stayed at my house for a wekend, I'm calling their parents to come and get them..OMG- (2) 3yr olds and a 5 yr old is not a good idea to have all at one time(lol) I love them, though. but what I love even more is that they can go home to their parents..(lol)

To all who are parents w/ SCI- God Bless You. to me thats a person w/ extreme strength.

[Davey]

I got a lil teary-eyed looking at your boy grow up, Davey :) Thanks for sharing....

I did too!! What an awesome response!!!

Thanks guys. I've watched my son grow up over the years and now I'm getting a little teary-eyed as he moves out and goes to college :(. I never knew how much I'd really miss him (and how much he made me laugh every day) until he actually moved out.

[Jadis]

Davey, I know what you mean. Starting at age 2, my son would go stay with my folks for a month. Starting at age 7, he started flying by himself to WV to see his biological father. So, one month with my folks in CA, then one month in WV, with a week here inbetween. Usually, i get about 2 weeks of summer with him.

This year, he will be gone as soon as school is out, if not before and will return three days before school starts. Gah. It's so quiet around here when he's gone and that's not always a good thing.

[bob clark]

I love my neices 2 death, but when they've stayed at my house for a wekend, I'm calling their parents to come and get them..OMG- (2) 3yr olds and a 5 yr old is not a good idea to have all at one time(lol) I love them, though. but what I love even more is that they can go home to their parents..(lol)

To all who are parents w/ SCI- God Bless You. to me thats a person w/ extreme strength.

I love little kids too. They're so much fun to be around and talk to. And damn, they have so much energy. It's amazing how they can run around for so long and play. It tires me out a bit just watching them run all over the place. :) I wish I were a kid again!

But they're my nephews and my neighbor's kids and after awhile it's a relief to see them leave. The old saying about relatives (and their kids) staying at your house is like fish. After a couple/few days things begin to stink!

Or like having a boat. The two best days are the day you first buy it and then the last, when you finally sell it!

I'm with you Royalty.

PS. I paid for a couple abortions too when I was in my late teens/early 20s and it was probably for the best as I was paralyzed when I was 24. But you still think about "what coulda been". Geez, they'd be in their 30s now. Hmmmmm?

[ROYALTY79]

PS. I paid for a couple abortions too when I was in my late teens/early 20s and it was probably for the best as I was paralyzed when I was 24. But you still think about "what coulda been". Geez, they'd be in their 30s now. Hmmmmm?
Atleast you had input about the abortion(s). In my case, I didn't. She had without telling me. I find out after procedure was completed. Rumor has it, there was a possibilty of twins. Even tho' I was pretty young at the time, I was pretty excited about becoming a father. BUT...things turned out differently for whatever reasons.....

[KiranA]

I met a girl this past summer, who apparently "had no hang-ups about sex" like most uptight chicks did and as a result, enjoyed the company of many men, even when involved in a relationship. That's fine, to each his own, but she wasn't what I would like to call the brightest fish in the pond for numerous reasons but especially because she saw abortion as a form of birth control. In the duration of an extremely short period of time, she had three abortions. It broke my heart to hear that, knowing that I may not be able to have children and here she was acting in such a careless manner and using something that should be used as a last resort as her method of birth control, which she not only admitted to, but joked about.

I fully believe in a woman's right to choose, but it shouldn't be a choice that she abuses.

[Tanya2]

I was born with a deformity of my fallopian tubes which after getting married I had corrected in order to conceive. I have one 4 yr. old daughter and have decided ,since being diagnosed finally after 12 yrs. of suffering with syringomyelia from a cervical injury, that she will be my only. Two would be a diservice to my daughter as I only have so much energy to spread around.

I agree that raising a child takes from your free time for sure. I have found that since my injury everything is a struggle and depression comes easily. Having my daughter changed my life in many ways. She gave me the motivation to get out of bed every morning despite the pain. She gave me the drive to get back on the wagon of diagnosis. I had given up trying to find it after so long and was just living in agony. My injury was not acute and so it was not diagnosed properly for 12 yrs. I get sad sometimes when I feel I can't participate fully in parenting at times but I have a great husband who picks up where I can't and she doesn't miss out.

I don't work right now and go to school part-time as well as parent. It is not easy but my daughter is my motivation for taking better care of myself. Rather than impeding me in any way she keeps me going, she reminds me of how precious I am to my family and how much I am loved just for who I am. She doesn't judge me and has decided at 4 that she will be a nurse or doctor so she can help people like her Mommy. I say she is a Neurologist in the making. She knows the meaning of spinal cord and neuropathic pain etc... She also has an aunt with a C 6/7 incomplete SCI. My twin. She is my light that guides me through the dark tunnels of SCI. She says it is okay Mommy because we are a family and families help eachother through good and bad times. Pretty wise statement for 4.

Tanya

[walkanotherday]

so maybe one of them will become a sports star or movie star and they can take care of their daddy and pay for his stem cell surgery.

Plus I can live vicariously through them....lol

I thought about the same thing Dave. If I was looking for someone to do stuff for me or take care of me, it would be cheaper just to hire professional help. If I was hoping that one of my children would make it big and take care of me financially, I would be better off taking the money required to raise them and invest it.

The reason can't be quantified. However, I have one main reason and one secret one.

1. Like most of the others I'm from a big family and have been around lots of kids.

2. Survival of the fittest. I like to think I'm one of the fittest.

..... to refer to those individuals that are functionally most capable to tackle life challenges, i.e. to individuals endowed with phenotypic characteristics which improve most strongly one's probability of survival and reproduction

[hollster]

For all the women on this post...

One of the first questions people ask me post sci is "Are you still able to have kids..."

I'm a walking quad so I bet for those of you ladies with wheels you get the question alot too...

I would never ask someone something so personal...people can be so rude.

[stlyin moe]

I'm really confused with all this wanting a kid stuff.

First, I support any SCI person's decision to have a child. It is their prerogative, and I wish them the best.

But my confusion stems over a simple question. Why would you want to have a child, especially after SCI? Doesn't make sense to me. So much was taken away from your ability to be independent (conceivably), and now you want to add a kid to take what little of your time and energy you have left?

Kids take away your free time. They drain money, energy, and cause stress. Why would you want to add that to your life, ESPECIALLY now that you have been dealt such an awful situation? It seems counterintuitive, and self-destructive.

I am a strong advocate of people finding fulfillment in their lives. I guess I can believe ABs when they say parenthood is the best thing to happen to them. But SCIs wanting to be parents? I would personally rather go out and live the best I can, instead of staying at home and raising a child.

I'm sure that there's something I'm missing here. Maybe when I get older, I'll see that parenthood brings indescribable joy and fulfillment. But it's not the only thing out there. And I would think, as people who suffer through SCI, more of you would realize that there's a lot more to life than being a parent.

I'm sorry if I offended anyone with this post, but I would like some answers from SCI men/women who would like to be parents in the future. What do you find so appealing?

Sincerely,

Piano Dave


No offense taken Dave. I am a parent. My son was 9 mos old when I broke myself in half in two places a little over 4 years ago.

Prior to him being born I was "OK" with having a kid. I had no compelling drive to have a kid, but was "OK" with it. I had a couple nephews and nieces and really enjoyed them so I knew I was going to be fine with it.

As soon as I buckled him into his car seat at the hospital and his little eyes stared at me while I was doing so I was overwhelmed. A switch was turned on at that moment and I knew I would shoot myself to donate my own heart if he needed one without hesitation. Almost every parent would do same if you asked them.

Now after having been a parent for the last 4 years, the thought of having another is so exciting and so desireable there are no words to convey it. It's like trying to describe how an orgasm feels to someone that's never had one and why everyone all around them can't wait to have one.

Kids don't take away from your life, they enhance it! The life you're living now is no life. You think you're in a relationship, but you're not. You think you have unconditional love, but you don't. You think you've got an incredible connection with someone, but there isn't. You think the cup in your life runneth over with freedom, love, carefree reckless abandon, "self" time and stress free, but it's all a mirage. Your cup has no bottom and as such it will never be full. Your cup will never fill with anything. You'll continue to dilude yourself that your life is fine as you pour more and more into that cup trying to fill it. Your music won't fill it. Your "relationship" won't fill it. Alcohol won't fill it. Drugs won't fill it. Nothing will fill it.

Someday you're going to have to confront your demons, deal with them and free your ass so your mind can follow. Only then will you understand the answer to your question.

I don't care what success you have in your life, it will NEVER eclipse the joy and rewards of having your own child. You're young and as time passes you'll mature and so will your perspective.....hopefully.

I hope you aren't offended by any of this...lol (sincerely)

[nena_1178]

WOW!!!!! He definitely sumed it up. PERFECTLY!!!!!!!!!!!!! mother of two beautiful boys and a devoted wife to a para T12-L1, still wanting and soon having more.

[doingtimeonmyass]

Wonder how kids will change your life? Imagine waking up and hearing these words throughout the day. I am enjoying it while it lasts! :D

http://www.s88193409.onlinehome.us/binaries/heybabe.mp3
(a 13 second pieced together MP3)

[pianodave]

No offense taken Dave. I am a parent. My son was 9 mos old when I broke myself in half in two places a little over 4 years ago.

Prior to him being born I was "OK" with having a kid. I had no compelling drive to have a kid, but was "OK" with it. I had a couple nephews and nieces and really enjoyed them so I knew I was going to be fine with it.

As soon as I buckled him into his car seat at the hospital and his little eyes stared at me while I was doing so I was overwhelmed. A switch was turned on at that moment and I knew I would shoot myself to donate my own heart if he needed one without hesitation. Almost every parent would do same if you asked them.

Now after having been a parent for the last 4 years, the thought of having another is so exciting and so desireable there are no words to convey it. It's like trying to describe how an orgasm feels to someone that's never had one and why everyone all around them can't wait to have one.

Kids don't take away from your life, they enhance it! The life you're living now is no life. You think you're in a relationship, but you're not. You think you have unconditional love, but you don't. You think you've got an incredible connection with someone, but there isn't. You think the cup in your life runneth over with freedom, love, carefree reckless abandon, "self" time and stress free, but it's all a mirage. Your cup has no bottom and as such it will never be full. Your cup will never fill with anything. You'll continue to dilude yourself that your life is fine as you pour more and more into that cup trying to fill it. Your music won't fill it. Your "relationship" won't fill it. Alcohol won't fill it. Drugs won't fill it. Nothing will fill it.

Someday you're going to have to confront your demons, deal with them and free your ass so your mind can follow. Only then will you understand the answer to your question.

I don't care what success you have in your life, it will NEVER eclipse the joy and rewards of having your own child. You're young and as time passes you'll mature and so will your perspective.....hopefully.


I hope you aren't offended by any of this...lol (sincerely)



Interesting....I'm sure it's not intentional, but you're sort of coming across like an ass. Sorry.

Telling me I have demons, telling me I'll never know true joy, unless I go around with a turkey baster full of sperm impregnating happy childless women...

One of the reasons why I don't want kids is precisely because of that kind of pressure. SE

The assertion that the life I'm living now is no life really makes me angry. How can you say that? You can say I'm missing out, sure. Lots of people do, and perhaps they are right. But to say to a fellow SCI (who's been through his own little hell) that my lifestyle is completely empty...

That makes me cry.

I may be delusional, but I seriously don't appreciate your condemnation on the way I choose to live my life.

[stlyin moe]

Interesting....I'm sure it's not intentional, but you're sort of coming across like an ass. Sorry.

Telling me I have demons, telling me I'll never know true joy, unless I go around with a turkey baster full of sperm impregnating happy childless women...

One of the reasons why I don't want kids is precisely because of that kind of pressure. SE

The assertion that the life I'm living now is no life really makes me angry. How can you say that? You can say I'm missing out, sure. Lots of people do, and perhaps they are right. But to say to a fellow SCI (who's been through his own little hell) that my lifestyle is completely empty...

That makes me cry.

I may be delusional, but I seriously don't appreciate your condemnation on the way I choose to live my life.


You're right that was presented poorly. Please accept my apologies. Having said that, I do believe you have demons. I do believe you will never know true joy until you have a child of your own. Knowing your relationship and your thoughts about it are what have brought me to this determination.

If you're angry about the life you're living now, that's a good start. Take a long look at it and make changes to improve it.

I say these things as a friend Dave. I wish for you the most wonderous joy a human will ever know. I'm not a bible thumper and I'm not preaching that you need to find Jesus and be saved or any thing of the sort. This is something much more tangible and for me, much more rewarding.

Dave take 3 hours to talk to a shrink and get their thoughts about your relationship if you think the feedback you've received here is invalid. I'm worried about you. It makes me extremely sad to read your thoughts about your relationship.

Use your anger to seek out a professional's opinion and really think long and hard about what they have to say...

And for Pete's sake get someone pregnant!...lol;)

[pianodave]

You're right that was presented poorly. Please accept my apologies. Having said that, I do believe you have demons. I do believe you will never know true joy until you have a child of your own. Knowing your relationship and your thoughts about it are what have brought me to this determination.

If you're angry about the life you're living now, that's a good start. Take a long look at it and make changes to improve it.

I say these things as a friend Dave. I wish for you the most wonderous joy a human will ever know. I'm not a bible thumper and I'm not preaching that you need to find Jesus and be saved or any thing of the sort. This is something much more tangible and for me, much more rewarding.

Dave take 3 hours to talk to a shrink and get their thoughts about your relationship if you think the feedback you've received here is invalid. I'm worried about you. It makes me extremely sad to read your thoughts about your relationship.

Use your anger to seek out a professional's opinion and really think long and hard about what they have to say...

And for Pete's sake get someone pregnant!...lol;)



Anger? I'm not angry. I still take issue with your idea that I have these "demons," but I am certainly not mad at you. From your above comments, I see you for what you truly are...a nice guy who's trying to help.

Thank you for stating your views more concisely--I knew you weren't an asshole!

Seriously, though, demons?

I am very happy with my life...I don't recall having given any indication that I was upset. If you care to look for some hint as to this "unhappiness," post anything I've said, and we'll see where you get this idea.

Note that I am not trying to cover up my true feelings. My true feelings are that my relationship works and that everything is going wonderfully.

Moe, perhaps you are right about the kid thing. Maybe I'm just too young. But I've done most of my maturing through this SCI, and my overriding mindset after nearly losing my life is more "carpe diem" than anything. And to get this fulfillment you suggest through children--well, that would require more time and energy than I'm willing to give.


I hope we're still friends.:p

[darkeyed_daisy]

Some people just don't desire to have kids. I don't think it makes life more or less meaningful. For me I couldn't live without my daughter. She gives me life. But on the other hand, I don't want anymore children because I don't feel physically able to do so and because I am just plain getting old. If you want children, by all means have children. But have children for the right reason.....that being because you desire to have them. If you are happy and your spouse is happy then PianoDave Do what makes you happy. Life can be meaningful and complete with or without children. We can tell you all day long how wonderful it feels to be a parent and what children bring to our lives but if the desire to be a parent is not in your heart, your child is going to be missing out.......It really is an individual choice that no one can make but you. Don't let SCI scare you into thinking you can't be a good parent. There are alot of able bodied bad parents around.

[loco]

Funnily I had never really thought about having kids until after I got injured, not sure if it would be fair to have them now, when I think about having kids I just think about all the stuff if I was a parent I wouldn't be able to do for them or with them that I would want to, my parents sucked so it kind of worries me that I'd be a bad parent too..
Saying that my best friends children who are 3 and 5 are the only two people that really don't see the wheelchair and all the stuff I can't do and I can't imagine my life without them in it.

[stlyin moe]

Anger? I'm not angry. I still take issue with your idea that I have these "demons," but I am certainly not mad at you. From your above comments, I see you for what you truly are...a nice guy who's trying to help.

Thank you for stating your views more concisely--I knew you weren't an asshole!

Seriously, though, demons?

I am very happy with my life...I don't recall having given any indication that I was upset. If you care to look for some hint as to this "unhappiness," post anything I've said, and we'll see where you get this idea.

Note that I am not trying to cover up my true feelings. My true feelings are that my relationship works and that everything is going wonderfully.

Moe, perhaps you are right about the kid thing. Maybe I'm just too young. But I've done most of my maturing through this SCI, and my overriding mindset after nearly losing my life is more "carpe diem" than anything. And to get this fulfillment you suggest through children--well, that would require more time and energy than I'm willing to give.


I hope we're still friends.:p


Of course!

Like I said earlier having a kid is like trying to explain an orgasm to someone that's never had one. Imagine back to before you were sexually active and think about how "fulfilled" your life was in comparison.

Sometimes a lack of time prevents me from a proper response and I put together a rough version of what I'm trying to express and it almost always comes off as an asshole remark. I'm trying to get someone's attention in a short amount of time but it never works to achieve the desired thought being provoked.

I never "wanted" a kid. I never had a burning desire. It wound up happening and thank god it did. Dave you're a great guy. You've overcome more than any human should ever have to. Reward yourself with a kid, the sooner the better and don't let the chair convince you that you'd be a poor parent...

[darkeyed_daisy]

Dave
You are like every other intelligent young man i know (well maybe not all of them). You have a right to question whether having children is right for you. I dont think of my daughter as fulfillment or as a "reward" at all. Having her was something I chose to do and what was right for me. You are young and now is obviously not the right time to have a child for you. You may change your mind and you may not. As I said child rearing is not for everyone. I strongly disagree with stylin moes opinion to "reward yourself with a kid". Sooner is not always better either even more so if you are not sure. It worked for you Moe but not everyone may feel the same way. What if he takes your advice and is miserable.....what then?????? He cant walk away from the responsibility he has created. That is the very reason we have so many single parent households headed by mostly women. The other parent didnt take responsibility for their rewards.......

Dave if you ever decide to have children when the time is right for both you and your partner.......you can do it in a chair just as well and probably better than an AB person........

[betheny]

I can't remember why, 17 years ago, as a 29 year old married-4-years ab that already had a 9 year old stepson...Why did I want him?

But now I can tell you what he is.

My biggest aggravation
Greatest joy
Greatest love
Source of enormous fear
Source of tremendous pride
Source of frequent embarrassment
Source of endless marital conflict
Huge
Clutzy
Ornery
ADD
Stinky-footed
Girl crazy
With my eyes
Bright
Unmotivated
Sneaky
But-always-gets-caught
Travelling partner
Fishing bud
Does 10 small things for me a day (Jake? Let the dog out!)
Makes me laugh more than anyone or anything else
Bottomless pit.

Looking at that list, maybe you can't tell the positives outweigh the negatives. But I'm his mama, we're a team, I love him and he loves me. World without end, amen. :)

[pianodave]

Of course!

Like I said earlier having a kid is like trying to explain an orgasm to someone that's never had one. Imagine back to before you were sexually active and think about how "fulfilled" your life was in comparison.

Sometimes a lack of time prevents me from a proper response and I put together a rough version of what I'm trying to express and it almost always comes off as an asshole remark. I'm trying to get someone's attention in a short amount of time but it never works to achieve the desired thought being provoked.

I never "wanted" a kid. I never had a burning desire. It wound up happening and thank god it did. Dave you're a great guy. You've overcome more than any human should ever have to. Reward yourself with a kid, the sooner the better and don't let the chair convince you that you'd be a poor parent...


Even before the chair, I felt ill-equipped to handle the many needs of children. I'm more a romantic, a dreamer, certainly not the handyman type. I'm not the most adept at fixing a car, painting a house, diagnosing electrical problems, anything like that. I think I'll have my hands full just running a home.

Luckily, my girlfriend, who I'm VERY HAPPY with, loves to cook. But I'll still have my fair share of learning. I'm not sure being a parent is the way to go for me. I just want to settle down, and be responsible for just two people.

[mr_coffee]

As long as your g/f is fine without having kids, i don't see a problem. Its your life, if u don't have the urge to poop out some kids then don't.

Your still young, things may change, maybe one day you will want your girlfriend to poop out a baby or 5.

[ldykawakii]

One of the very first questions I asked waking up in the hospital is can I still have children ? I would be heartbroken without the option to have children no matter how hard life is with a SCI I want to know that I am able to have children if I want. I want to have the relationship my mother and I have with my own daughter. I'm turning 24 next month and children prolly won't be till my early thirties since I plan on finishing Master's School, and being as physically ready as I possiabley can be. I'm only about a year and a half post since my accident and to consider children now while still learning would be a definate no. I don't see children being detrimental to my life I see them enhancing them. If it comes to the point where my physical health doesn't allow me to have children my significant other and I will adopt. He is more than supportive with any descion I make about what I can physically do or not do. Children may take time, money, but their love and prescence is worth it to me at least.:D

[sjean423]

Even before the chair, I felt ill-equipped to handle the many needs of children. I'm more a romantic, a dreamer, certainly not the handyman type. I'm not the most adept at fixing a car, painting a house, diagnosing electrical problems, anything like that. I think I'll have my hands full just running a home.

Luckily, my girlfriend, who I'm VERY HAPPY with, loves to cook. But I'll still have my fair share of learning. I'm not sure being a parent is the way to go for me. I just want to settle down, and be responsible for just two people.

PianoDave,

I just looked at your profile and realized that my oldest son is exactly 2 days younger than you. Seeing that, all I can say is that you are WAY too young to to even think of having kids, because I am WAY too young to be a Grandma!

But seriously, I think everyone has said everything pro kids that I can even think of. Settling down and being responsible for just the 2 of you is the first step. The decision of whether to have children, or just being a family of the two of you can wait. From glancing at your other posts, it seems your SCI is only 1-2 years old. Life as a para will continue to get easier (I hope, I was only hurt 16 months ago myself) and you may very well feel differently 2, 5, or 10 years down the road. Don't worry about the whole kid thing right now, you have plenty of time to decide.

(And for the record, I have 4 kids myself and can't imagine life without them).

[gregorious]

Having kids made me grow up.
My kids made me become a better person.
I am proud of them and of being a parent.

Although it kind of freaked me out yesterday when my 20 year old daughter called and said she wanted to get a tatoo to remember me by.

[AuntDeena]

Because this guy has made me smile for the last 19 years...

I am so glad I am not the only sap in this group! I had to grab the tissues!