Eating disorder and depression

[marco25]

This isn't easy, but sometimes you have to be real.

A little over a week ago, I posted my concerns here about a possible eating disorder. I was at the point where I simply couldn't eat, and was losing weight too fast. KLD confirmed my fears and told me to call my doctor that day. I did. I'm so glad I did.

Instead of anorexia, the doctor diagnosed depression due to stress and anxiety, and I've started on an anti-depressant. Hopefully this is temporary. The blood work indicates my blood sugar is high, so I return next week for more work. My appetite is returning, but I've lost 12 pounds in two weeks.

I'm sharing all of this because, after my doctor's appointment, I became ashamed, embarrassed and scared ... so I deleted the topic. Now ... I have my share of critics and enemies around here, but none can compare to myself. Words like "coward," "hypocrite" and a few others kept coming to mind. And why was it that I, of all people, who have no trouble splattering my guts about almost every emotional, relational, sexual experience, thought or opinion, would suddenly be ashamed of a legitimate medical/emotional problem?

Greater minds than mine will have to answer that one.

Fear had a lot to do with it. After seeing the doctor I realized just how out of control my life was. I couldn't eat. I was getting sick. If I didn't eat, I would eventually die. I didn't know how to "fix it." I felt like I was heading downhill in a car on a spiraling mountain highway and my brakes were out. Pure panic.

I'm hoping that this experience will encourage anyone else out there who may be struggling with similar issues. SCI takes a devastating toll on its victim and those close to him or her, especially the caregiver. Depression is rampant but often gets overshadowed by all the serious physical issues. Please get help. See your doctor. It literally can kill you.

Also I'd like to take this opportunity to apologize to the entire CareCure Community. Reading over some of my posts over the last few weeks, I'm afraid I expressed more than was appropriate at times, especially as a moderator. It appears some of my boundaries got a little blurred. Also I'm sorry for not being real. Thanks.

[woman from Europe]

Don't apologize for your posts. I believe most all of us here have had periods of depression and lost controll of our lifes. I think it is normale in your situation. I have had up and downs all my life and in the downs periodes I stop eating too. So all my life I have been "skin and bones" and if you look around most of the SCI people are.

Most of the people taking antidepressive pills is gaining weight because they get hungry and because of the pills. In my worse periode I was 44 kg and I am 1,70 m tall. Now I am 54 kg and I am never gonna be fat. The only time I have been fat was in my pregnancys. http://sci.rutgers.edu/forum/images/smilies/eek.gif

I hope the pills is making you feel better and that your life is getting better by the time http://sci.rutgers.edu/forum/images/smilies/smile.gif

[SCI-Nurse]

Thank you for having the courage to repost about your recent problems. I hope that this can help others come forward who may have similar concerns they have been afraid to share.

Congratulations on caring enough about yourself to get help, and following through on it too!

(KLD)

http://sci.rutgers.edu/forum/images/smilies/smile.gifMartha

When I think of your posts, I think of posts that were made with sincere thought and concern. You obviously take the time to truly listen to others, and then you post your reply with care and compassion. And often a really needed dose of humor! http://sci.rutgers.edu/forum/images/smilies/biggrin.gif You have nothing to apologize for! http://sci.rutgers.edu/forum/images/smilies/biggrin.gif

I am glad that you went to the doctor and are making steps to get things under control. http://sci.rutgers.edu/forum/images/smilies/smile.gif It's all uphill from here!

You reach out to so many people on this forum. Don't forget that you are worthy and loved and any time you need support, it's okay and expected to let us know, that you need us to reach back to you! You don't have to go through anything alone and you don't always have to be "the strong one". I know a little bit about that "syndrome"! http://sci.rutgers.edu/forum/images/smilies/wink.gif Sometimes even the strong need a little bit of support! http://sci.rutgers.edu/forum/images/smilies/smile.gif

Carol http://sci.rutgers.edu/forum/images/smilies/cool.gif

[marco25]

Thanks for your kind words. They really help. http://sci.rutgers.edu/forum/images/smilies/smile.gif

I'm having to rearrange some priorities in my life, mainly avoiding those people, circumstances, settings that cause me stress and anxiety. Unfortunately, work is the primary cause of this issue right now--and I cannot avoid it. The situation is unbelievable, and I simply cannot speak about it. So I've had to stuff it. Thus ... this.

I hope being a little transparent here about this issue will help someone else in a similar situation.

[PB72181]

*hugs* Yes, depression can literally kill you if it gets bad enough...and it's a scary, scary thing, because you feel so powerless to stop it. Like it's an endless downward spiral. I'm glad you're getting help, though. I'm proud of you for doing that. Be proud of yourself. http://sci.rutgers.edu/forum/images/smilies/smile.gif

I'm not deaf...I'm just ignoring you! http://sci.rutgers.edu/forum/images/smilies/wink.gif

[P38Lightning]

Martha,
GOOD for you for seeing the doctor about this. Depression definitely causes a lack of appetite. If distorted body image went with it, then yes...it would be in the realm of anorexia nervosa...a very insidious disease. Depression is equally horrible. http://sci.rutgers.edu/forum/images/smilies/frown.gif

Good for you for getting help. Really, it takes a strong person to get help. I deal with depression and am nearly recovered from anorexia, though the thoughts still get me when life gets hard.

If the first try at anti-depressants doesn't work, keep working with your doctor or psych...they have so many different combinations that can get you functioning as your sparkling vibrant self again.

Hugs,
Heather

[marco25]

PB, Heather ... you guys are wonderful. Thanks for your kind words and hugs. They help more than you'll ever know. http://sci.rutgers.edu/forum/images/smilies/smile.gif

Every day is better. The work situation took a sudden, miraculous turn. The situation appears to no longer exist ... which is fine with me.

The company I work for had ANOTHER crawfish boil yesterday, and, once again, I ate like a pig. It must have something to do with being with people (especially if they happen to be male, single, attractive and bringing you food http://sci.rutgers.edu/forum/images/smilies/tongue.gif). Anyway it feels good to be crawling out of the muck and mire and transitioning back to my "sparkling, vibrant self" (LOL thanks!).

[marco25]

Went to the doctor today, and the news was mixed. I've dropped another 6 pounds in a little over 2 weeks. That's better than 12 pounds in 2 weeks, but the doc wasn't happy. However heart rate and blood pressure are normal. Blood sugar test results will be in tomorrow. She's ordered an upper GI series and gall bladder tests--wondering about possible ulcers.

Emotionally doing better, meds are helping--and I hate admitting that. Wish I could say I didn't need them, but I obviously do. However, for some reason, I still can't eat like I should. The good news is I'm having an unusual craving for Total Raisin Bran, so I'm eating as much as I can. Someone suggested I put walnuts in it for the added protein and omega-complex whatever. Sounds good to me. I've lost a lot of muscle, especially in my thighs, so I've got to get working on rebuilding that soon.

[woman from Europe]

Have you had the test to see if you have hyperthyreosis? I had that and lost 14 kg in a few month. I was in the hospital and they were feding me http://sci.rutgers.edu/forum/images/smilies/smile.gif because they thought I was too thin and after a week I had lost 5 kg more.

[Liz321]

Thanks for your honesty.

[chick]

I recall you were taking Paxil. Is this the anti-depressant you are on now? This can be an appetite suppressant. There are others that do stimulate appetite. Just wanting to make sure the med is appropriate for addressing both the deprressive symptoms as well as appetite.

I hope you are also recieving some type of counseling, in addition to the anti-depressants. If not, I would strongly urge you to talk to your dr. about a referral.

[marco25]

Chick, I took Paxil from Aug 1997-March 2002, and finally weaned myself off of it. I actually gained about 50 pounds while on it, which I've now lost, plus another 14. I was on it too long. I'm on Effexor now, which helps with the panic/anxiety attacks and related symptoms. I've been seeing a counselor since the day after my marriage erupted back in July. She's very aware of the situation, though it crept up on both of us. Maybe a delayed reaction or a culmination of various issues. I'm not sure. However I don't know what I would have done or how I would have coped over the last several months without an objective person to talk to. Thanks for your concern. I really appreciate it. http://sci.rutgers.edu/forum/images/smilies/smile.gif

WFE, I'm not sure what condition you're talking about, but the upper GI series and gall bladder tests are precautionary. My doc is still pretty sure it's emotional. Again the funny thing is, I eat like a wild woman when I'm with people. Lately I've felt so cut off from people I care about for various reasons--mainly of my own making. Depression makes you "crazy" and the people around you crazy. It's given me a new appreciation for prisoners in solitary confinement. I know now I'd truly go insane in their shoes.

[This message was edited by martha2 on 04-22-04 at 04:15 PM.]

[PB72181]

Originally posted by martha2:

Emotionally doing better, meds are helping--and I hate admitting that. Wish I could say I didn't need them, but I obviously do.

*big hugs* I totally know how you feel there...because I feel the same way. I want nothing more than to not be so dependent on "better living through chemistry." It will happen, one of these days...we both just have to be patient. http://sci.rutgers.edu/forum/images/smilies/smile.gif

If you think your meds may be the source of your current decreased appetite, talk to whoever is prescribing it to you about adding something else that might increase your appetite.

I'm not deaf...I'm just ignoring you! http://sci.rutgers.edu/forum/images/smilies/wink.gif

[woman from Europe]

WFE, I'm not sure what condition you're talking about, but the upper GI series and gall bladder tests are precautionary. My doc is still pretty sure it's emotional. Again the funny thing is, I eat like a wild woman when I'm with people.
[This message was edited by martha2 on 04-22-04 at 04:15 PM.][/QUOTE]

It is an endocrinological disease and comes from the thyroidea and it is making to much thyroxin. You loose weight, feeling nervous, your heart is going more quicly, you hands are shaking a little, diarrea, you feel weak, difficulties to sleep. The doctor can take some bloodtest to see how much THS and T4 your thyroidea are produceing.

I did not feel to bad. But I had so much stress I could not do anything. And I could not sleep and I was crying a lot because I felt so tired and I did not understand why.

It is very difficult for me to explain it in English. Maybe the nurse here can do it. I know the medical terms and the Norwegian terms but not the English http://sci.rutgers.edu/forum/images/smilies/frown.gif

[duramater]

WFE,

I bet those thyroid screenings were done when Martha had her first bloodwork. I went through almost the exact symptoms two years ahead of her, under the same kind of duress. I lost 65 pounds, did have gallbladder disease, and now that the stress is less, I fight to retain some of that weight loss. I am glad Martha is having tests done to be sure, but I also know that time will be her greatest medicine.

Mary

If I can see it, then I can do it. If I believe it, there's nothing to it.

[chick]

I'm surprised you gained weight while on Paxil, but some meds can have effect both ways. Im not sure what effect Effexor has on appetite, but im sure this has been considered by your dr. If not, make sure to discuss it with him. It seems though, that it has been working to help you not lose as much weight as you were- 6 lbs is much better than 12. You wouldn't want sudden increase in weight either. Extreme weight fluxuations can wreak havoc on your body and emotional state.

You did right in recognizing a problem and seeking help for it. When I first read this, it appeared, from the post, that the problem wasn't anorexia or other eating disorder, but as your dr. found, an issue related to depression.

Some thoughts:
Why were you suddenly afraid of acknowledging a problem when you've spoken openly about many personal issues before, even having acknowledged personal problems and dysfunctional behavior in the past?

I think problems and issues from the past are just that, in the past, and this can make it easier to openly share them with other. The 'past' can allow a sense of distance, a detachment from the problem. Even if the issue is still relevant, one may be working towards healing from it and no longer entrenched in the midst of it, thus be a bit more objective and able to discuss the issues with their personal Self somewhat separated from it. I don't believe time can absolve us from the past, but it can provide some respite from it and allow some objective reflection. This can help us be a little more clear in our understanding of the issues and how we deal, which can help enable a growing sense of control- not only of those issues but of ourselves.

But knowing something better doesn't necessarily translate to feeling better, and people are going to continue finding ways to cope. Many cope in silence. (You mentioned having a hearty appetite in social situations, yet when not with others, you don't have an appetite). You were concerned about a problem and sought answers. Once identified, you needed to claim it- as current and existing NOW. It can be scary and embarrassing to allow others to see through the wall that separates you from your past and maybe, from even yourself. There's no shame in sharing and allowing others to maybe understand a little more, some truths you may be just beginning to examine yourself.
Sometimes, this requures much more courage.

[marco25]

PB, hugs back at ya. Thanks for understanding and being a voice of encouragement. http://sci.rutgers.edu/forum/images/smilies/smile.gif

WFE, the symptoms are a little different. No diarrhea and surprisingly very little if any crying, well except that I couldn't stop when I met with the doctor two weeks ago ... and often alone in my office with not enough mental work kept my brain fully occupied.

Chick, I've been thinking about what you've posted. You have amazing insight. Deleting the post: still chewing on that one. After KLD responded, I responded to her saying that I'd noticed racing/irregular heartbeat. That scared me. Then, as I began to take inventory, I realized I was having bad headaches, periodic blurred vision, shortness of breath, irregular heartbeat, pain in my kidneys and those leg cramps. All my major organs seemed to be deteriorating! That's when I freaked out and deleted the post. I really thought, OMG! I might be dying!

Well, of course I wasn't, but at that moment that possibility FELT very real. It literally felt like a free fall, that same feeling we recovering co-dependents get when we have to let go. Loss of (at least a sense of) control is terrifying.

Also, I confess, I was afraid I sounded like a drama queen.

KLD PT'd me when she noticed that the WHOLE TOPIC was missing. She encouraged me not to be ashamed and that what I was going through could help someone else here. I asked Jeff if there was a way I could retrieve what I had deleted, and that's when I, newbie moderator, learned the difference between a REMOVED topic and a DELETED one. Deletion is permanent.

X/Carol made a reference to the strong woman syndrome, and I know just what she's talking about. I learned it as a caregiver (and enabler) in a troubled marriage. The events of last summer were traumatic for the children, myself, our families, and Scott. Emotional carnage is not an exaggeration. But someone had to hold it all together, do the laundry, prepare the meals, wipe the tears, pay the bills, go to work, and assure everyone that everyone would be ok. That was me.

My counselor and I think it's simply a delayed reaction, which has sort of been ebbing and flowing, instead of erupting. However some extremely stressful situations seemed to converge on me in every aspect of my life, and I apparently shut down.

I'm still working through a lot of this, and daily I'm increasingly aware of my limitations and strengths. Much is rooted in the past, and you're absolutely correct that we can never be absolved from it (love that choice of words btw), and frankly I don't want to be. I think of all that manure as fertilizer being tilled into the garden of my life. (Boy that sounds sappy, but it's true!) It's rich with good stuff if applied properly. http://sci.rutgers.edu/forum/images/smilies/smile.gif

[This message was edited by martha2 on 04-22-04 at 09:07 PM.]

[marco25]

Some good news. Blood glucose levels are normal. Ate 3 full meals yesterday, and split a big pretzel with my daughter at the mall. I may even have gained a pound? http://sci.rutgers.edu/forum/images/smilies/smile.gif

[P38Lightning]

Fabulous Martha. http://sci.rutgers.edu/forum/images/smilies/smile.gif
Getting the appetite back on track and GETTING OUT is the key to kicking depression in the arse.

Yay. http://sci.rutgers.edu/forum/images/smilies/smile.gif

[marco25]

More good news. http://sci.rutgers.edu/forum/images/smilies/smile.gif Morning full of tests: sonogram on liver, gall bladder, pancreas, etc., then upper GI series (barium, yuck) ... everything is beautiful. It really was/is all emotional. And it's getting better. No weight gain, but that's ok. At least it's not falling off like it was. Appetite is just about normal again, but still heartier when I'm with people.

So I'm making a point of being with people as much as I can.

A co-worker of mine has gone through the exact same thing. We saw each other one evening at a company gathering and immediately noted each other's weight loss. He'd lost about 18 pounds in a few weeks, and I could see it in his face and shoulders. BTW, he's 6'4" (was) 238, so he's a big boy. He and I sat together and poured out our hearts about the disappearance of our appetites, the stress (his job is extremely high pressured), divorce, loneliness ... all that stuff.

Having a soulmate during a time like that can make a big difference. And those bear hugs can be a lot of fun too. http://sci.rutgers.edu/forum/images/smilies/smile.gif