please help me...im so angry

[chrisperry]

I dont know what to do. My brother just got release from rehab after a car accident that paralysed him at the t-7 level and he cant walk anymore. I am just so angry that my brother has to go through this. He is only 19. He doesnt deserve this. My brother has always been my best friend and now hes not the same. I dont even know how im going to talk to him anymore. Please help. I miss my brother. Im 17, btw.

[metronycguy]

chris you need to be a good brother to him,suppurt him and keep his mood up.
a couple praticaly jokes like the old days would i am sure help very much. he is the same person, keep the humor up if you can, he need you

[betheny]

Try to treat him the same but listen respectfully when he needs to talk serious. Which he will. Metro's right, he'll need you.

Can't stop the spirits when they need you/This life is more than just a read thru.-
red Hot Chili Peppers

[marco25]

Hey Chris, metro and betheny are right on. My only advice would be to let him grieve when he needs to grieve--and there's a lot of grief in him right now. Be his brother.

[bigbob]

and also feel free to talk about how you feel also, as there are other people here who are family and friends of people who have sci.

[NoDecafPlz]

Breathe!

Repeat.

Now go goof off on
him, he needs to feel
like your brother.

J.

[marmalady]

Chris, your brother is still there; yes, you miss some of the things you did with him, but he's still the brother you know and love.

It's perfectly okay to be angry, and have angry feelings; we've all had them; it's part of the process we go through when something like this happens to someone we love. The fact that you can acknowledge it is a good thing, and means that you're processing your feelings. Is there a counselor at school you can talk with, or maybe a counselor at the rehab center? Just talking with someone helps share the load sometimes - and I do hope you'll check back in here - there's a lot of support on these boards!

_____________
If we have no peace, it is because we have forgotten that we belong to each other. - Mother Teresa

[wilddog]

some good advice here Chris. I feel for you and your brother. Nobody should have to go through this. But it happens. Keep his spirits up. And get him a good chair if you can. The chair I left rehab with just made it worse. Once I got my first lightweight, things got that much better.

[rickhemi]

Chris,

Everything is going to work out good. It just takes a lot of time. I agree with all my friends that you just need to be who you've always been, a good brother.

Time to start living one day at a time. Don't dwell on the past, and don't get too far ahead of yourself. The 'here and now' is the best place to be right now. God has a plan for you and your brothers' lives, just give it all to Him, and the joy will return, I promise.

Rick

[chrisperry]

Thank you for all your nice replies. I will try to do what you said, but it is hard. He doesn't seem angry or sad, but I know he is. I'm going to try and talk to him today. He is in his room right now, probably reading. He likes to do that. Maybe I'll ask him about some books.

[McDuff]

Chris,
Yep just be the same with him. This is a painful process both mentally and physically. And the worst part of it is that it is painfully ssslllloooowww. So F**king slow! I
am only 15 months post(you will find we tend to date time pre/post injury) and I am just getting to the point of making my way back into society. Given, I am 48(T10 injury motorcycle wreck) so hopefully his young body will bounce back quicker. But he will also get irritated quicker as things don't happen fast enough. Let him rant when needed, but also give him a kick in the ass when needed. You will figure out when to do either. And yeah, there will be a lot of "silent" time for him as he wraps his head around this crap.
Another unfortunate fact is, he will lose friends. Some will not come see him at all, and some will just fade away. But man, the ones that stay are there for good. Let them in and let them get him out and about when feasible. It is good for his soul.
Sounds like he has good family(as do I luckily), that will help so very much.

He is going to feel like his life is over. I am just now reaching the point where I know it is not. Part of your "job" now is to help him get to this point.

Thanks for coming to this board, there is so much knowledge here to help.

McD

"Rather be ridin' than rollin'"

[kevinpatrick]

Chris,

Man, I was 18 when I got hurt (playing football), so I can totally relate to what you guys are going through. Marco said such an important thing - you, your brother, and your family are going to feel so many different things -- and they're all totally normal. Let everyone work through this grieving process so they can get used to the changes.

It took me months to really feel human again. I was up one minute and down the next. Angry, sad, frustrated, hopeful . . . you name it. Yelled at a lot of people and then felt bad about it. Closed myself off to friends and family a lot of the time when I felt like I just couldn't deal. Stick with him. Be the same as always with him. He's still your best friend.

And get him on this site. There's soo much good info and sooo many helpful people . . . along with a few crazies. If you or he have questions, there's always somebody on this board who has been there and can give good advice!

Kev

PS: feel free to contact me directly @ kevinpatrick79@yahoo.com anytime.

[chrisperry]

Thanks, kev. Thank you all for the help. I'm trying really hard. I know its worse for him than it could ever be for me. I'll never know what he feels like. I'll send him the link and hopefully he'll discover this site. If he would ever get his face out of his books! http://sci.rutgers.edu/forum/images/smilies/wink.gif

[poonsuzanne]

Oh Chris, you are such a good boy, you made me cry again!!!

Take my word, you have to pretend that you are not angry. Do you know why? It's because your parents and your brother count on your positive attitude and your support. I am sorry I know it's hard for you...

If you look frustrated, this way not only your parents have to take care of their own and your brother's desperation, but they also have to take care of your feelings.

Try to behave and look normal to him, chat about the same topics with him, play the same kind of video games with him, spend as much time as possible with him.

The following was what I wrote a year ago under the Caregiving Forum:

My son, Richard Poon, suffered a T12 complete spinal cord injury on 22.3.02 as a result of a ski jump (aged 16 3/4 at the time of injury). I remember the first person who was capable of easing part of my unforgettable pain was my daughter, Rachel, aged 15. On the third day from his brother's injury, I asked her (apparently she looked quite calm), "Are you OK?" "As long as he can still smile at me, talk to me, communicate with me with perfect sense... I'm totally fine!" replied intelligent Rachel. The second person who could also ease my pain was my lovable youngest son, Roderick, aged 13, saying, "Mom, you don't have to blame yourself so hard, even when you have always reminded us not to do this and that, we won't listen, we're always doing things behind your back!"

Suzanne

[bigbob]

When my son was injured many people thought about my son in the hospital and even what I was going thru as a parent of a child that was newly paralyzed. My other son really got little support from others and that was sad. Chris I admire you for speaking out and looking back at our situation I hope you are getting the support you need also.

[LauraD]

Your brother sounds like my daughter Heather, age 12, T-12, 4 years post. She always has her nose in a book. Sometimes I think it is her escape. She can lose herself in a book and live that life.

[Jeff Sirko]

Keep hanging in their Chris. Your brother needs you to look past all the hurdles he now faces, and focus on his accomplishments and what he can do. I was injured at 15 and things were tough for my two brothers. I used to play football with them, now we play poker! (Im glad because I can win at poker...lol) They both had a real tough time but, were even closer now. Just focus on your brother accomplishments, no matter how small. The little accomplishments are what keeps me going.
You sound like a great brother. Keep doing what you do. Thats all anyone can do.

Jeffrey Sirko (C-6)

[john smith]

Chris;

My oldest son was paralyzed on Dec. 1st, 2 years ago. My wife and I were devastated. The pain for parents goes so deep. We could function but just barely so.

Our rock, however, has been my youngest son, who like you is 2 years younger than his brother. From the very beginning, he balanced our pain by insisting that this had happened for a reason.

I still have not put my heart around that optimism but my wife and I needed to hear that so badly. Isaac has been there for the entire family and, in particular, his brother Noah from the onset.

In addition to his positivity, he gave us much needed breaks from the caregiving. Furthermore, he shared without question in the intimacies of the acute stage care.

To this day he has been better than my wife and I in determining when to help and when to leave his brother alone. We love Noah so much but Isaac understands him better and has taken the lead when we sometimes hesitated.

Noah has been home for 10 days to spend Thanksgiving with us. Every morning Ike makes Noah breakfast, not because he cannot do it for himself but because he knows that when Noah is back in San Diego he will again be on his own. He wants to give over and over but it never feels like he is doting on his brother.

We have seen a transformation in our youngest son. He was never a selfish person but he has shown us compassion and patience and love which makes us very proud.

You are an important part of the recovery Chris. Your family needs you more now than they may ever again. It makes perfect sense for you to be afraid and perhaps full of doubt. Things will get better. Your involvement and a good attitude are strengths that cannot be overestimated.

You can do it.

John

"Hope is like a road in the country; there was never a road, but when many people walk on it, the road comes into existence." Lin Yutang

[This message was edited by john smith on 11-27-04 at 05:27 PM.]

[This message was edited by john smith on 11-27-04 at 05:51 PM.]

[JDR]

Chris,

My brother who is also two years younger than me was with me the night of my accident. As a matter of fact, I credit him with saving my life. However, because he was there that night, he originally felt as it my accident was partly his fault. Of course it wasnt. It was due to my own stupidity.

Anyways, he has been there since day one. Mark and the rest of my brothers have encouraged me, comforted me, listened when I needed to talk, snapped me back into reality when I was out on the edge of reason, smacked me around when i started feeling sorry for myself, and never accepted "i can't" as an answer when they thought I could do something.

I know it sucks for you. I've watched my brothers tear themselves up over my accident. That, honestly, has been one of the hardest things about my new reality. The truth of the matter is, this is what it is. You can't change it and neither can anyone else. Make the best of what you have to work with and support your brother in any way that you feel that you possibly can. Your bond will continue to be strong and he will be forever grateful. Stay strong...be his rock and let him be yours.

"...I ask for, not at once no government, but at once a better government. Let every man make known what kind of government would command his respect, and that will be one step toward obtaining it". ~Henry David Thoreau

[Salimacatwoman]

You need to be strong in order to help your brother,stand by his side making him feel that what happened to him is obviously sad and it will change his life completely,but in the same way he is alive and with new opportunities for living a "newer life",making it better and richer (in the sense of enjoying what he has and what he can do as a human being with disabilities)

Never be sorrowful,nor pitiful with him,don't patronize him,be understanding and helpful but never treat him with compassion,be always his support but also show him he can do a good life and being disabled doesn't mean being unworthy,he is as worthy as you are and he is so able as you are too!

Good Luck! http://sci.rutgers.edu/forum/images/smilies/wink.gif

www.wheelsforindependence.biz (http://www.wheelsforindependence.biz)

[snoskrz]

just remember chris....the anger is not at you...just the situation...i used to yell at my brothers and sisters all the time...now i feel terrible. i just wanted to be treated like before the accident(i dove into a swimming pool bottom...c5/c6)..it took time for me to start my new life and get happier http://sci.rutgers.edu/forum/images/smilies/rolleyes.gif

[hisamsmith]

I can imagine how you feel. It must be very difficult to see your brother going thru this. SCI changes everyone family friends and the individual who was injured. Don't pull away from your brother. My uncle and I were only 9 years apart in age. We did everything together, until I was injured. For 11 years he couldn't speak to me without crying. He is now a stranger to me.
As for your anger throw a fit when no one can hear you. Throw things and scream you'll feel better.

Chris,
I can so relate to your feelings. I felt the same way after my daughter's accident and after 5 years I still often feel that way. I have finally learned that the accident and the injuries suck - but - there is nothing that I can do to change the situation, so I have learned to live with it and make the best of it.
Your brother is so lucky to have you as a friend, remember that. Don't treat him any differently - he doesn't need or want your sympathy. Although he is physically impaired and different, he wants to be treated normally and like himself. Believe it or not, he is the same person, just one with a loss of function. I learned over time to look at the positive - look at what she can accomplish instead of her disabilities. He needs you - now more than ever - and believe it or not - you need him - your "best friend." The best thing that my daughter's friends did for her was to treat her like herself. Most certainly your brother, or you, did not deserve this, but it happened and it really sucks, but there's nothing that you can do to change the situation.
I can't blame you for all your anger. Your feelings are so normal. Have you spoken to a counselor? My son vented his feelings and recently started counseling and medication for depression - he's back to himself again. It may help because sometimes you need someone other than a family member to vent your feelings to. Many young people think that getting counseling means your crazy, but it doesn't. It really may help you. I am sure that your entire family is overwhelmed by your brother's injury - it affects the whole family.
I have so much that I want to say to you, perhaps another time.
Please take care of yourself and continue to be a wonderful best friend.
Love and may God Bless,
Patti