girlfriend is a new quad

[MilleniumRex]

Hey, people. I just joined this forum. Kim, my girlfriend since my senior year of high school, became a quad over the summer in a diving accident. She broke her C4 vertebrae and has no feeling or movement below her shoulders. She just returned home from rehab, and I'm trying to figure out how to proceed from here. I love her, and I have zero intention of being one of those dicks who cuts and runs after the girl gets injured, but I'm just sort of clueless here. Things are actually more awkward between us since she returned home. While she was in the hospital and rehab, it almost seemed like her paralysis was more abstract. I would visit and try to keep her spirits up, but the harsh reality of her injury wasn't staring me in the face. This is tearing me apart inside. She actually seems to be adjusting better than I am. She was supposed to start college this fall on a soccer scholarship, but that's obviously not going to happen. Her spirit and determination are so strong, that I wind up feeling really guilty when I go home at night and cry to myself. Excuse my ramblings. I was just hoping that some people here might have some insights for me, whatever they may be.
Ray

[cathy j]

Hi Ray,
It is a good thing that you found this website. Everyone here is so supportive, and informative, I don't know what I would have done without everyone here. Just remember, NO-ONE can tell you what she may/may not get in return of function.
Keep us updated.
God Bless,
Cathy

[~Patrick~]

Welcome Ray, I am sorry we had to meet like this. Feel free to ask whatever is bothering you. Does she have access to this site? We have a few folks that surf using voice recognition software. All I can say is give it time. Not that it gets better but you become more tolerant. Welcome

[espousal]

Howdy Ray,
I've been (am) in a somewhat similar situation. My wife was injured roughly a year ago. There may be some differences between the boyfriend and husband relationship, but I suspect that we share some of the same concerns and feelings.

One difference might be your level of involvement with her injury and rehab. As a husband, I got to have full access and involvement with the rehab process and was fairly knowledgable and comfortable with the injury by the time we returned home. As a boyfriend, her family may have taken the lead on that and you may feel less comfortable with the whole deal. Learn all you can about her injury. Not just to help her, because she needs to take primary responsibility for her own care, but to help you feel at ease around her. Nothing like knowledge to ease the uncertainty.

It's not surprising to me that things have been more awkward between the two of you since she returned home. The rehab setting is very structured and rather exciting, filled with hope and (hopefully) a peer group of similarly injured people. Once home, however, the harsh reality sets in. As new as her injury is, I would definately lean towards hopefullness and optimism.

Of course she might be feeling uncomfortable around you. It's an inconceivably huge injury to deal with. She probably has all kinds of uncertainty about her future, jobs, love, etc. Just wondering how to survive can be all consuming. So, I think you need to not add additional pressure to her. Certainly be supportive and talk to her about your issues and the things she is scared of, but give her a little space too. Take her out if she's up for that, or spend time with her in a setting she is comfortable with.

As far as your stuff, it's OK to go home and cry. Hell, we'd all think you're nuts if you didn't. I used to have people get all concerned when they'd catch me stealing a few tears. I'd just explain that it's OK, it's just where my head was at the moment. And it really is OK. It's a huge thing see someone you love so drastically changed.

On the upside, life goes on. It won't be exactly the same, but it really doesn't have to be any worse. In fact, it has much potential to be a stronger relationship. I thought that was a sentiment that I came up with, but as you poke around on this forum, you see many people expressing the same thought. It's actually true. You laugh, go places, have fun, sex, fight, and everything else that life entails. You just do it with a lot more patience, compassion, and admiration.

Hang in there.

[kate]

Hi, Ray--sorry you had to find us, but glad you did. I'm sure if you read through some of the questions people have asked, you'll realize there's a lot of wisdom here. I don't know what could be tougher to face than sci, but you're already way ahead of the curve, just by connecting here.

BTW, I thought the first couple of months out of the hospital were pure hell. We're almost 3 yrs down the trail now, and I can assure you that things will change. Anyway, welcome!

Kate

She actually just got her computer hooked up with VA software. I told her about this site, so she might show up here once in a while if she can.
Originally posted by Pat(wheelinarcher):

Welcome Ray, I am sorry we had to meet like this. Feel free to ask whatever is bothering you. Does she have access to this site? We have a few folks that surf using voice recognition software. All I can say is give it time. Not that it gets better but you become more tolerant. Welcome

[Sue Maus]

Hi Ray,
I was injured 3 1/2 years ago at the c4/c5 level. I was 36 years old, married for 14 years with two young daughters (I'm a female). I had everything to live for with those 3, but I still didn't want to live early on. I didn't want to be a burden to anyone. As it turns out, I'm not. Sure, my family helps me a lot and have to do more around the house, but we still have a great life. Time makes a big difference. Every "first" is very difficult--first time coming home, going shopping, etc. it does get easier. espousal below gave a great response--especially the last paragraph. Life does go on--love, laughter, etc.

Hang tough...just remember, everybody has their issues, some are just more visible. Life is what you make of it.

Regards,
Sue

[poonsuzanne]

Ray, you are a great great guy...the world will become colourless without geniune people like you...Suzanne

[Cbowen162]

Ray,
from what I've read, you are an amazing person. I broke my neck almost two years ago, so I know what it's like to go through the first stages of quadriplegia. I was married before this happened , and my wife left me. The fact that you have stayed with your girlfriend, despite her injury, means more than you could know to those of us who have lost loved ones due to our injuries. Please be patient with her. She is going through a situation that cannot be explained by mere words. Just remember that she has only changed physically. She is still the same person that you fell in love with. Once she has adjusted to being a quadriplegic, she will appreciate and love you more than could ever be expressed.
If you or she has any questions, please contact me. I will share anything I have gone through to try and help you.
Chris

[glittergirl]

I am going to sound like a polly parrot -- but you sound like a great guy!

Be assured things will get easier -- and it's true that family and friends take injuries harder then the injured!

hang it there HUG

~*~*~Priscilla Katheryn
http://carecure.org/Pictures/profilepicpriscilla.jpg
Dec. 7, 2002 I became a Mrs! WOW! one year already!!

[joshstevens7]

hey man, i am new to my injury as a T6 para for about 5 months now and im still in outpatient rehab, now im fixin to learn to drive again and have full use of my arms so i dont know much about your situation but ive gotta say, a cure is coming, i know ill walk again in 10 years or less, so if she wants to, she will, it sounds like you love her cause of the women she is on the inside not the outside and thats what counts. im a 24 year old college student at the time of my accident, never having problem with getting a girl, but i have thought about how hard it would be now with my condition but im really not worried about it. ill be honest, i probably never would have dated someone injured before my accident then, but ive changed since my accident and look at the inside and not the outside now. she is lucky to have you, and yes, itll be hard but if you love each other, itll be ok and things will constanly get better and better day by day, i know i do so its true. just remember you are inlove with whats inside her and thats what matters.

"Nobody's perfect, until you fall in love with them"

Josh Stevens
T6 para as of 7/17/03

[mjhopper]

Josh,

Are you living in St. Pete now? I'm a para 5 1/2 years ago,T11,T12, I was bayflighted to Bayfront Hospital.. Actually I grew up in St. Pete and went to Bogie High School,which was many years ago.
MJ


Originally posted by Josh S.:

hey man, i am new to my injury as a T6 para for about 5 months now and im still in outpatient rehab, now im fixin to learn to drive again and have full use of my arms so i dont know much about your situation but ive gotta say, a cure is coming, i know ill walk again in 10 years or less, so if she wants to, she will, it sounds like you love her cause of the women she is on the inside not the outside and thats what counts. im a 24 year old college student at the time of my accident, never having problem with getting a girl, but i have thought about how hard it would be now with my condition but im really not worried about it. ill be honest, i probably never would have dated someone injured before my accident then, but ive changed since my accident and look at the inside and not the outside now. she is lucky to have you, and yes, itll be hard but if you love each other, itll be ok and things will constanly get better and better day by day, i know i do so its true. just remember you are inlove with whats inside her and thats what matters.

"Nobody's perfect, until you fall in love with them"

Josh Stevens
T6 para as of 7/17/03

[amanda]

once again...you sound like a great guy! I am a new quad myself.. c5/c6, one year next month. doesn't seem that long ago 'cause i was in the i.c.u. and rehab for many months after the injury. i am 21, female, and was pretty active prior( and trying to get back to being that way post) to my injury also( no soccer scholalorships..but I wish).my best advice is try to be there for ther in the same ways as you would before. try to not make her feel like less of a person due to her injury. as much tough love as it may take..it's still love...if that makes any sense?!i too am with my high school sweetheart still. and through my injury he has been soooooo much strength for me. believe it or not, your relationship can grow from this.the fact that you are on here trying to find info. on her situation, show that you care about her and want to do the best for her. be patient. and know that she is still herself. all gets better with time, i promise.

The heart seems to have its reasons which even reason cannot understand.

[november]

You already said you had no intentions of leaving her, that's great. Stand by your word. To leave her at a time like this could devastate her and crush her opinion of men for years to come.

Don't be the guy who claims he loves you and never will leave as your wondering where the hell he went.

[MilleniumRex]

I think it's different with me and Kim than it is with a lot of other guys. I'm not staying with her out of a sense of loyalty or duty. I won't leave her because I just can't imagine my life without her. Honestly, when I was waiting in the hospital to see if she would live or die, I was already contemplating my suicide note. That's how deep the connection between us is. There's a lot of history between us that I really haven't had the time to go into detail about on this board yet. Thanks for your kind words. I'm sure Kim will appreciate them too(Unfortunately, her computer is down for a few days until she can get it fixed)

Originally posted by november:

You already said you had no intentions of leaving her, that's great. Stand by your word. To leave her at a time like this could devastate her and crush her opinion of men for years to come.

Don't be the guy who claims he loves you and never will leave as your wondering where the hell he went.

[Isildur]

be patient, and think that the cxure is in the next corner.
if you are in love no problem because is the most powerfull thing in the world.LOVE

I'm a para myself (1 year post). My girlfriend left me about 4 month's after my accident. It crushed me, I didn't need it at the time and situation I was in. Just stay with her and accept the challenge's with her road to recovery. Just remember in time you will be looking down or at eye level with her when she's up on two again. Good Luck and God Bless.
Nick..

[Scottysmom]

Ray I am new to the boards and just came across your post. Let me just say that you and your girlfriend are in my prayers. My son Scott was injured January 17. For some strange reason I felt like because of his injury he wouldn't be the same PERSON he was before. He is. His body has just changed. I try to let his friends know this too. I admire you for staying with your girlfriend and supporting her through this very difficult time for both of you. Just remember to keep the lines of communication open. She does need to know how you feel and you need to know how she feels. It is healthy to cry so do it. Don't be ashamed of that emotion that comes from loving someone so much. There is a reason you are in her life. Good luck to both of you.

God Bless!

[tasty]

If you are committed to staying with your girlfriend, then the next best thing to do is discuss her needs for equipment, personal care, accommodations, etc. starting with the first thing on Sunday and the last thing on Saturday. In general these things include housing, activities for daily living, transportation, school, and recreation. As you identify the barriers to doing these things, you can then begin to determine where the resources are; i.e., insurance, public and private programs, family resources, and college (if that's still her goal). Begin with the items that are most urgent. By breaking down SCI needs into more manageable tasks, life will gradually settle into a routine and require fewer adjustments.

[livinadream]

I am a 27 year old female 8 months post injury. My boyfriend of 5years couldn't deal with my injury nor could he stand by me during my emotional ups and downs. Just be with her, help & motivate her with her physical therapy and remind her of how beautiful she is and she will come out of this a BETTER person. I have to believe these things happen for a reason.

Stay Strong

[JDR]

Ray,
I'm a c6/7 quad seven months post injury. I greatly admire your attitude towards your girlfriend. My girlfriend actually left me after I returned from rehab. No hard feelings though....my only advice to you is to be 100% open with her. Let her know what you're thinking and feeling about the situation. It took me so long to realize this...but these injuries can sometimes be almost as traumatic for family, friends, and loved ones as for the injured person themselves. Keep an open dialogue and don't be afraid to talk about anything and everything...feelings, thoughts, fears, even the gross stuff. Best of luck to you and your girlfriend.

[lifeofthepartygirl]

Ray,
My bf actually responded to you earlier but I thought something coming from my perspective would be helpful as well. My bf was injured about eight months ago in a diving accident and after surgery in Israel and rehab in Denver he returned to NC in November to a girlfriend that turned away from him(this is not me this is the now "ex")So I met him after his injury and actually talked a lot with him on the internet and phone before actually getting to know him in person(which is different in your case i'm sure..seeing someone you love become almost helpless and dependent is hard). So we've been dating for a few months now and the secret is...as he said...be completely open with each other. We have been open with everything since the start and nothing about his situation bothers me at all...if anything it makes me love him more that he handles himself so well and with such optimism and dignity. You say your gf is very possitive which is a great thing, youwill find that she will be the one keeping your head up at times. As my bf said earlier it is almost as hard on the family and friends, in a different way of course, but talking with your loved one, crying and sharing your feelings, is absolutely necessary. Even if you talk and try to make things work, it could be that you two arent meant to be together and that there could be someone out there for each of you who can meet your personal needs better. Just give it a try and be there for her, she appreciates it and you will hopefully find, as I have, that by being there and sharing your feelings you discover the true colors of not only your loved one but of life as well!! Keep in touch!!

[etexley]

Actually, I disagree about the rehab setting being "full of hope." I was the only hopeful one in the place. People just kept telling me to "give it up."

So I went back to work while I was in rehab. I shut out the noise, and used my time to surf the web for cures...

[hubofagreatwife]

89' was the car wreck that turned my then fiance and I on a different path.... and yes there have been tough times but the good has always trumph the bad. Married now for 12 years and two fine boys! never had a second thought about staying until the end with her she may be in a wheelchair but to me she is still the smartest, sexiest and most wonderful person I have ever been blessed to be with!
Her spirit and mind make up for any loss of body.... and she still to this day gets new stuff back..... so hope is never lost!
She even has able-bodied people (friends/relatives) call her and just cry and cry about how screwed up their lives are....ding dong, she wants to say "hey I woke up paralyzed today!" but instead she helps them with their pitly problems.....
she has truly amazed me and made every minute of our lives worth any small effort

So I say hang in there, grow old together and enjoy a path less traveled by the rest of the world....... http://sci.rutgers.edu/forum/images/smilies/biggrin.gif

[350zc6c7]

My girlfriend is a quad c6/c7. It will be a year July 12. We were only together for 6 mos. before the injury but I loved her then and I love her now. Things are tough but we get through it. You just can't get up and go like we used to, people look at you a little differently but it is more out of their ignorance. Just make you can handle the situation and be honest with yourself and her.

[Chris Chappell]

hubof, great story, thanks for sharing. I'm curious about your wife still regaining function even 12 yrs later. Can you elaborate?

350, hang in there, she sounds special. Sorry that she joined our club but glad that you guys found us - CC.

Onward and upward.

[hubofagreatwife]

Originally posted by Chris Chappell:

hubof, great story, thanks for sharing. I'm curious about your wife still regaining function even 12 yrs later. Can you elaborate?

350, hang in there, she sounds special. Sorry that she joined our club but glad that you guys found us - CC.

Onward and upward.


hey, well where do I start?
after the accident she went through therapy and they told her to accept her fate......
so for a while she sat in a recliner in her parents house.. where her mother cathed her and did her program and basically everything

one day she (felt lead- this is christian lingo) decided to go to a therapy place in in california (we live in GA.) the sole reason? they had hope.....
to be honest the therapy place did little, except give her hope.....
She learned how to do reflex urination and has developed it so that she no longer has to cath
she was able to ambilate(sp?) with braces this proved to be impracticle(sp?)<--latenight....anyway what she did gain was improved confidence and developed new muscle movement that she either didn't have or didn't know she had
I think us working together, while frustrating has proved to be the most beneficial......

She is my hero in many ways..... she gave birth to two wonderful boys.. and she even homeschools them.........her hope may get week but it never dies.....
long story short
increased muscle function in hands and torso with balance.
ablility to go to the bathroom with little to no help
she takes her own showers........

it's late let me think