JOKES!!!!

[X-racer...]

Well i thought it was about time to start a jokes thread we all need a good laugh and a dirty thought now and then. So here's one from George Carlin.

I Am Your Worst Nightmare. I am a BAD American. I am George Carlin.

I like big cars, big hooters, and big paychecks.

I believe the money I make belongs to me and my family, not some midlevel
governmental functionary with a bad comb-over who wants to give away to
crack addicts squirting out babies.


I'm not in touch with my feelings and I like it that way.

I believe no one ever died because of something Ozzy Osbourne, Ice-T or
Marilyn Manson sang.

I think owning a gun doesn't make you a killer.

I believe it's called the Boy Scouts for a reason.

I don't think being a minority makes you noble or victimized.

I believe that if you are selling me a Big Mac, you'd better do it in
English.

I don't use the excuse "it's for the children" as a shield for unpopular
opinions or actions.

I think fireworks should be legal on the 4th of July.

I think that being a student doesn't give you any more enlightenment than
working at Blockbuster. In fact, if your parents are footing the bill to
put your pansy arss through 4-7 years of college, you haven't begun to be
enlightened.

I believe everyone has a right to pray to his or her God or gods, just
leave the rest of us out of it. This also applies to sexuality.

My heroes are John Wayne, the Simpsons, and whoever canceled Dr. Quinn,
Medicine Woman.

I don't hate the rich. I don't pity the poor.

I know wrestling is fake and I don't waste my time arguing about it.

I think global warming is a big lie. Where are all those experts now, when
I am freezing my arss through a long winter?

I've never owned a slave, or was a slave, I didn't wander forty years in
the desert after getting chased out of Egypt, I haven't burned any witches
or been persecuted by the Turks and neither have you, so shut-the-f***-up
already.

I want to know which church is it exactly where the Reverend Jesse Jackson
preaches. And where does he get his money. And why is he always part of
the problem and not the solution.

I think the cops have every right to shoot your sorry arss if you're
running from them. I also think they have the right to pull your arss over
if you are breaking the law, regardless of what color you are.

I think if you are too stupid to know how a ballot works, I don't want you
deciding who should be running the most powerful nation of the world for
the next four years.

I hate those bustards standing in the intersections trying to sell me crap
for trying to guilt me into making 'donations' to their cause. These
people should be targets.

I think if you are in the passing lane, and not passing, your license
should be revoked, and you should be forced to ride the bus until you
promise to never delay the rest of us again.

I think beef jerky could quite possibly be the perfect food.

I believe that it doesn't take a village to raise a child, it takes two
parents.

I think tattoos and piercing are fine if you want them, but please don't
pretend they are a political statement.

I think Dr. Seuss was a genius.

I'm neither angry nor disenfranchised, no matter how desperately the main
stream media would like the world to believe otherwise.

I believe if she has her lips on your willie, it is sex, and it is sex for
both of you. This even applies when you are President of the United
States.

If that makes me a BAD American, then yes, I'm a BAD American. If you too
are a BAD American please forward this to everyone you know.


We need our country back!

[X-racer...]

Subject: Fun facts

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months,
enough gas is produced to create the
energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it)

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the
body to squirt blood 30 feet.
(Oh my God...!)

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life I want to be a pig)

A cockroach will live nine days without
its head before it starves to death.
(Creepy.) (I'm still not over the pig)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Do not try this at home .. maybe at work)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate
while its head is attached to its body.
The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
("Honey, I'm home. What the....")

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What can be so tasty on the bottom of the pond?)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life
... quality over quantity.)

Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmmmmmm........)

Right-handed people live, on average,
nine years longer than left-handed people do.
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)

Elephants are the only animal that cannot jump.
(OK, so that would be a good thing....)

A cat's urine glows under a blacklight.
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out.)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)

Starfish have no brains.
(I know some people like that too.)

Humans and dolphins are the only species
that have sex for pleasure.
(What about the pig?)


LIVE IT UP AND LIVE IT LARGE!!!!

[martha]

I've seen this attributed to both Carlin and to Ted Nugent. Does anyone know which really is correct? Either way, I love it!

martha

[X-racer...]

We have all been to those meetings where someone wants over 100%
> Here's to achieving 103% !!
> Here's a little math that might prove helpful in the future!
> What makes life 100% ??
> IF:
> A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
> 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26
>
> Then;
> H A R D W O R K
> 8 1 18 4 23 15 18 11 = 98 % Only
> K N O W L E D G E
> 11 14 15 23 12 5 4 7 5 = 96 % Only
> But;
> A T T I T U D E
> 1 20 20 9 20 21 4 5 = 100 %
>
> However;
> B U L L S H I T
> 2 21 12 12 19 8 9 20 = 103%
>
> Give it all you've got .
>
>


LIVE IT UP AND LIVE IT LARGE!!!!

[Max]

A man had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender
finally said that the bar was closing. So the man stood up to
leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more
time; same result. He figured he'd crawl outside and get
some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.

Once outside he stood up and fell flat on his face. So he
decided to crawl the 4 blocks to his home. When he arrived at
the door he stood up and again fell flat on his face. He
crawled through the door and into his bedroom. When he
reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time
he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right
into bed and was sound asleep as soon as his head hit the
pillow.

He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over
him, shouting, "So, you've been out drinking again!!"
"What makes you say that?" he asked, putting on an innocent
look.

"The pub called -- you left your wheelchair there again."

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[X-racer...]

"This Osama bin Laden guy, spoiled rich kid worth $300M. I have three words for this guy
: Anna Nicole Smithwill send her over and in three weeks she'll have all his money and he'll be dead. look what happed to the last guy.

--jay leno


LIVE IT UP AND LIVE IT LARGE!!!!