Help!!!!!!!!

[max bench]

How do you save a marriage? My wife and I have been married for 11 years, the past 4 have been with me being a T-10 para.

She has been my main caregiver for the larger part of that 4 years. We have used PCA's off and on but for one reason or another they just don't work out and it falls back on her.

She informed me last night that she cannot do it anymore, she loves me but resents having to do my care and tells me this resentment has been building up over the past 3 years.

I have put in an emergency call for another PCA and I told her that I would go back to rehab for an evaluation and try my damnedest to become more independent.

My wife helps me with showers, getting up in the mornings and going to bed at night including the bowel program.

I would love to be able to do these things myself and have tried on many occasions and it just doesn't work out.

All the help I get may actually be too late, she couldn't tell me that she is willing to try to keep the marriage together even if the care issue is resolved, may have lost her already. Our lives together were perfect until this damn drunk driver inflected SCI occured, now I am afraid we are just going to become another statistic.

[Shawn]

I'm really sorry to hear what you going through Max. From what i've learnt from previous posts, one must not allow one's lover/wife/husband to be one's caregiver but, in some situations, it's unavoidable. I truly hope and pray things will get better for you and that your wife will remain with you. Just remember one thing, "true love conquers all". http://sci.rutgers.edu/forum/images/smilies/smile.gif

[klabm]

Max,
Wow, that is tough.This kind of thing starts out when you come home from the hospital, you are weak all of your injuries, and you need the help. You are unsure of how things go so you let your loved ones take some of the responsablity.Over time you begin to think that you cannot do it alone. I know I have been there.

I think that if I were you, and if I had the money, I would see about moving into an apartment for a month or so. I was in a similar situation with my mother after I got hurt. I thought that I could not do things on my own. When I finally moved out I learned that I can do a lot more than I thought that I could. It is amazing what you can accomplish when you have to rely on yourself. With the exception of a shower, I now do all of my daily routine by my self(my parents actually had that set up better than my house is now).

I would guess that your wife is a very giving person-probably one of the many reasons you love her-and she kept giving and you got used to taking. If you would take some time apart it would probably benefit you both. I think that you should visit everyday and romance the heck out of her; BUT you need to learn how to be more independant, AND she needs to let you. I think that you need some time apart to break bad habbits.

You are going to have to learn to live without her help, you can do it now or after she leaves you for good. I wish you the best of luck. I hope that you at least think about what I am saying. I have been in a similar situation and trust me you feel so much better when you do things on your own.

If you have made it this far in the post I am very proud of you. I would have been pissed and stopped reading by this point. You cannot let this thing ruin your life. I used to not even be able to get my chair in and out of my car on my own. One time a friend(also in a chair) came to my house to go fishing and I would not even get out of my car with him there because I did not want him to see that I could not do it on my own. I was so embarrased that I decided to figure out a way to do it on my own. I now use a slide board, because I was tired of falling out. You will figure out what works for you if you will take the time to isolate yourself from those who will love you too much and want to help. It really is a trial and error process. Good luck to ya. Keep a portable phone handy, you may get into some sticky situations while reclaiming your independance. http://sci.rutgers.edu/forum/images/smilies/smile.gif

[Jeff]

Max - I felt really sorry reading your post. When I saw T-10 para in the same breath as caregiver I was shocked.

I'm a C6/7 who needs no caregiver. I give myself all of my own care. Sometimes, though, before bed I semi-pay my wife to put on my catheter. She knows I could do it if I wanted to. But, I'm lazy and it feels nice when she does it so I promise her something for doing it. Other times she wants to be nice so she simply volunteers. The point is that it's not necessary and I never take her for granted.

If her being the caregiver is the main issue then I'd really consider firing her. You don't need the help, even if you think you do. Figure it out - you can.

From your previous posts I know you have the ability. So, GIVE!!!! Be someone she can't live without. At C6 I can do it so I know you can.

My prayers are with you.

Jeff

[Scorpion]

Max, from your previous posts, you seem like a cool guy, and a smart guy. As a C-6 quad, it was so easy for me to get used to my pasrents doing my care until it clicked--I wanted to get out on my own, with as little personal care aid as possible. Part of it was tough love from my parents. They helped and helped, but would also encourage me to do more for myself. After a couple years, I was independent needing no help with personal care. I've lived alone now since 1995. Unless you have extenuating circumstances regarding your body, like weight or bad shoulders, or anything else I'm not taking into consideration, I'd bet good money you could be totally independent in no time. Maybe your wife can gain encouragement from these posts, bro. Obviously she's giving and understanding. Maybe knowing you'll soon be her lover and not her lover/dependent, she'll be ready to fight for the marriage?

I don't know, but my thoughts & prayers are with you & your wife, Max. As Bella Corroli (sp?)says, "You can do it!"

~Rus

[Ron]

Max,
The only help you need is a foot in your lazy ass.
If she leaves you,and she should, it's gonna be all your fault. She shouldn't have to care for a grown man, who could take care of himself, like he's a toddler.That's your wife, you dumb bastard. How's she supposed to love a man who's uttered the words, "Honey, can you come put your finger up my booty so I can make poo poo." How you've went 4 whole years being as useless as tits on a boar hog is beyond me. In fact, you should kick your own ass for being such a pathetic bastard. "I've tried to do these things on many occasions and it just didn't work out." It looks like you'd better try a little harder, tubby, or your marriage just might not work out.

[Sci Mom]

Ron~
Your posts used to make me angry, until I saw your age in your profile. It's all clear to me now. Your message may have some merit, but could you possibly concentrate on saying what you think AND pretending to be grown-up and civilized? Thanks.

[Scorpion]

May I suggest ignoring Ron? He's a punk who gets off on getting people riled up, and he's been trying to do that for some time now. Ignore him and his fun doesn't last. http://sci.rutgers.edu/forum/images/smilies/smile.gif

~Rus

[PN]

Max:

I remember a conversation with Arnold Bisor, M.D. psychiatrists and professor at UCLA; I said "Arnie do you ever think about suicide", he chuckled and said "all the time". Max, many of us are in the "trenches" every day fighting and thinking about suicide does enter our "heads".

Good luck!

Paul Nussbaum AKA PN

I believe that Dr. Bisor has written several books; one was titled "Flying Without Wings".

[Sci Mom]

You're absolutely right, Scorpion...it was a weak moment during a bad day at work...I got carried away! Thanks for your gentle suggestion.
Vicky

[Scorpion]

I've been known to get into online 'flaming wars' that are not productive at all. Ron and his ilk would never say 99% of the crap they do if you were right in front of them. They feel empowered by the anonymity the Net gives them, but they have no power if people simply don't respond to their spewings. I've already given this one too much attention, so I'm moving on. http://sci.rutgers.edu/forum/images/smilies/smile.gif

~Rus

[narc]

Ron is right.

[KS]

Max,
I hate hearing this.
I have only been on here twice.
What is going on????
How can I help?????

[kngtreeman]

max i understnd the relationship troubles all to well.since my injury very similar problems have accured in our relationship.but what i dont understand is why you need help with so much.i am a t-8 complete.you are 2 lvels lower than i.i need no help with bowl bladder getting in or out of bed or dressing,hell over the holiday weekend i got my cripple ass up on the roof and reshingled the roof.it was difficult and took 4 times as long as it would have if i had not gotton hurt 2 years ago. ,but hell i did it.nobody seemed to impressed with this accomplishment exept me.i looked at your profile and your only 7 years older than i so age isnt your excuse.

scott r

[SKYCO]

Scott r,I have heard some sh*t in my day,but that takes the cake.Being a builder before my injury,i find that hard to believe.How did you get on the roof or I should say why?

You can e-mail Max Bench with helpful suggestions,but don't tell him how to get on a roof.

[kngtreeman]

yourr not the the 1rst who didnt beleive i did the roof.but i did,i put a 24 foot extention ladder up against the roof and used my leg spasms to stand against the ladder.then one rung at a time i pulled myself up and onto the roof.as far as getting the materal up their i tied my old climbing ropes from my tree working days before injury and pulled materials up to me wile up their.now getting down was a bit more tricky.i would pull myself out onto the ladder.hang from 1 hand and put my feet on either side of the ladder,and lower myself to my chair at the bottm .again 1 rung ata time.i did not strip the old shingles off ,i did an overlay this time,i know they wont last as long being an overlay but i just got tired of asking for help from freinds.discusted i did it myself.another note being down hear in the south the roofs dont have near as much pitch as roofs in the north.hell yesterday i did work on my dump truck so i might be able to sell it.its a 5 ton dump with a fiberglass tilt nose.i had to change the battery ,remove and rebuild the carb.repair the egzaust.its a bitch and very difficult to get the tilt nose open and climb up on the motor.hell i got scrapes all over my legs now.but who the hell else is ganna do it.once i got the nose opened up i just climbed up on the 11.00x20 tires and sat on them.leaned over and worked on mototr.i guess wear theirs a will theirs a way.hell a couple monthes ago i changed the timing set on my van.i used a ajustable length tie down strap to hold myself up.i put my feet on the ground used my leg spasms to stand.feet on the ground ,knees against the bumper and the strap wraped around my butt and hooked to the grill.their i stood.not a litle job. had to remove radiater,air pump,power steering,alternater,fan, waterpump,timing cover and then the gears and chain.toput it back together i had to remove one motor mount and jack the engine up so as to drop the oil pan.dropping the pan was to set the new gasket for the timing cover.sounds like i might be bragging.well hell yes i am!before it was nothing for me toi climb up and repair anything.now repairs of such art majore obsticals.one thing is for sure i am not going to lay down and give up couse my body is f**ked up.i can still do anything i set my mind to and so can you all.

scott r

[rdf]

Right on scott, you got lots of will. I believe everything you say. I've worked on my car also, but minor stuff like changing the oil, spark plugs, etc. I would get up on my roof too, but since I fell over 100 feet I'm scared sh*tless of heights now, lol. Keep on kickin ass!
Max, how are things? Hope all is well!
-bob

[Curt Leatherbee]

I would not say you all, there are people reading this site who are levels c-6 and up in which case they could not do any of the stuff you speak of. As for Max, he may have other problems that prevent him from doing the things that you do.

[kngtreeman]

your correct.i should not have said"youall"but i think personally that many of us just give up and say we cant do something or its to difficult.i know being as active and determand as i am i still many times dont bother couse of how difficult things are.at 2 years post im still learning.like max i want to throw the towl in at times.

scott r

[martha]

Max, we haven't heard from you in a while and I'm sure I'm not the only one that is still thinking of you and wishing you the best. How are things going for you now?

martha

[KateM]

Max
I just read your post and it made my heart break. I can understand a bit of your situation, but in the reverse. I was injured 2 1/2 years ago and I am now married 7 years. For the first year and a half my husband was my rock. While I had PCAs to help with my personal care, he knew how to do it, so if we went away or someone cancelled, he would just do it for me. Just over a year ago, he went into a depression of sorts and he just told me that he couldn't be my caregiver anymore. This was a wake-up call for me and I give my head a shake that I didn't see it sooner. I had to make a choice. He couldn't be my caregiver and my husband. So I chose for him to be my husband. It's amazing how independent you can learn how to be when push comes to shove. Granted I'm still not fully independent (yaya I'm a big wimp), but my husband does very little to 'help' me anymore. I needed to get in the mind set of being a wife instead of a burden to him. This SCI screwed up a lot of my life, but I won't let it destroy my marriage.
I wish you and you wife the best and I send you lots of encouragement!