View Full Version : Drunk Step-Father
10-20-2004, 03:41 PM
Yes, I know it's an old cliche, but I'm stuck living with one and he's as big a bastard as they come. After 6 years away at college (on my dime), I'm forced to live with my parents again and I'm recalling, everyday, all the reasons I loathe him. It's one thing to be stripped of my independence because of this injury, but another to have some selfish, controlling, egotistical waste of flesh lording his physical superiority and control over me. I pay half the mortgage on the house because it was designed specifically with my needs in mind with the promise that things would be "better" in terms of his behavior when I got out of school. Well, things aren't better.
I would give anything to be out of here and live on my own, but I know he'll unleash a shitstorm on my mom if I leave and stop making payments on the house. Also, I have no where to go and my mom is my primary caregiver. Frankly, HE should be the one who leaves, but that will never happen. I just want out of this place.
Anyone else deal with this?
10-20-2004, 10:27 PM
Whose name is on the title to the house? Could you and your mother both move out into an apartment? What does he do specifically? If he is threatening you or abusing you, you may need to contact Adult Protective Services in your community. They will investigate and may even take action if this is the case as you may legally be considered a "dependent" adult (similar to the elderly). Where does your mom stand in all of this? Is he abusive to her as well?
10-20-2004, 11:30 PM
If anyone knows dysfunctional, it's me. Feel free to email me if you would like. My emails in my profile. I would rather not post on the public forums http://sci.rutgers.edu/forum/images/smilies/smile.gif
Aerodynamically, the bumble bee shouldn't be able to fly, but the bumble bee doesn't know that, so it goes on flying anyways--Mary Kay Ash
10-21-2004, 03:47 AM
There's no physical abuse involved. He has been the "elephant in the livingroom" for as long as I've known him, though, always threatening violence, but rarely following through (not in the past eight years). He goes on drunken, raving rampages instead, breaking things, tearing cupboards off the walls, denting the fridge, etc. When he doesn't get what he wants, he goes off. And I'm tired of dealing with him. Tired of always being on edge.
Unfortunately, my name isn't on the deed. And my mom won't leave him (she should have years ago).
10-21-2004, 09:59 AM
That is still abuse, tearing up the house, etc. Getting out is always tough but you and your mom should both leave and let him have at it!
You should be able to seek help/assistance for you and your mother through the county, etc. It is your choice to have supervision of sorts through them, using all that is offered or not but your mom has to really want it along with you if this is going to be the case.
Go to your local courthouse and tell them the situation, your need of a lawyer who works pro bono or what have you. Have them research your obligation with the mortgage and see about getting your name off of anything you can. And let him have the house to do as he will. It is only a house but with you two in it, it is your lives.
Saorsa, have you ever been to an Al-Anon meeting? Has your mom? If you can possibly get to one, you'll find knowledge, support, and no bs. I've known lots of people "trapped" in situations just like the one you describe . . . I once was one of them--and I can tell you that extricating yourself (or at least refusing to live like that) is possible. It's extremely hard to do on your own, though. Al Anon works.
10-22-2004, 06:07 PM
i have no good advice to give. just wanted to say so sorry youre in this bad situation. my parents drink too much too.
10-23-2004, 09:35 AM
I'm the same as Nov. I know dysfunctional too well. My e-mail is also in my profile if you'd like to talk, or my IM is in the too. I'm sorry you have all that BS atop of SCI. what doesn't kill us makes us stronger? just hang in there.
" The best way to predict the future is to invent it."
- Alan Kay
10-23-2004, 11:54 AM
If your mother puts him ahead of your needs then I would say thats not a good situation.If I was you I would be giving an ultimatum and you may be surprised just how much strength you have. People act out of fear when they are like this,fear of losing what they already have.You would be doing not only yourself a favor but your mother also. In my honest opinion I believe if you left your mother wou7ld not be far behind. Life is tough enough without this...
Here's an excellent book you should read-Adult Children of Alcoholics (http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/1558741127/qid=1098559854/sr=8-1/ref=pd_csp_1/102-5777174-8001710?v=glance&s=books&n=507846)
Maybe speaking to someone in Social Services would be a good idea?
Something major needs to happen. Your step-father needs to be placed in an in-placement substance abuse program. A family intervention may need to take place in order for this to happen. Also, this would be voluntary, unless he violates the law and then he would have a choice to go into a drug and alcohol treatment program or spend time in jail. Difficult situation. Sorry you have to go through this.