Marriage commitment after SCI

[Bryans Mom]

I have had someone to day tell me that 99% of marriages break up after one spouse receives a sci. What is your input into this. I don't agree. My son is 28 and is a C1-2 as of last April 17th and I believe his and his wife's faith and our strong family and church family is a great asset that will make all the differnce. Sandyhttp://sci.rutgers.edu/forum/images/smilies/smile.gif

[SCI-Nurse]

Here is some information about marriages that occur after the spinal cord injury:

"Outcomes of Post-Spinal Cord Injury Marriages" (http://www.spinalcord.uab.edu/show.asp?durki=21436)

More than 50% of marriages that occured prior to the spinal cord injury end in divorce, but it certainly is not 99%. 5 years post injury, of those married at the time of injury, 89% are still married (compared to 81% of those couples married 5 years previously without a SCI).

http://www.sci-info-pages.com/facts.html
Here is a good article (not specific to SCI) on divorce and disability:

Divorce and disability (http://www.mult-sclerosis.org/news/May1999/DivorceRateAmongDisabled.html)

Those with traumatic brain injuries have much higher divorce rates than those with SCI.

In my personal experience, if the marriage was already in trouble, SCI is nearly always the straw that breaks the camel's back. If the marriage was strong, it often survives and many couples report that they are closer.

(KLD)

[Bryans Mom]

Thank you so much for your information! I thought that may have been a disparaging remark about the 99%. I feel so much that it is all about your faith, family and community, and personalities besides of course your love that makes all the difference. Sandyhttp://sci.rutgers.edu/forum/images/smilies/smile.gif

[betheny]

A C1-2 injury is a devastating blow, but so much of marital longevity depends on sheer stubbornness. I think it depends on the personalities. I wish them all the luck in the world, and tell them we're here if they need us.

C5/6 incomplete, injured Aug. 2000

[Susan M]

My Husband, Colin, and I just celebrated our 18th year wedding anniversary--nearly 4 years to the day of my c4/c5 SCI. Our relationship was solid before our car accident, we are even more rock solid now. We are in this together.

Sue

[Stacey]

Sandy, There are many times I hate the way Joe's SCI has changed our lives. But, I have never stopped loving him. I admire him, his courage and determination more every day. He is the most amazing person I know. We still have disagreements, but we know that our relationship is rock solid. He has once or twice told me that he is afraid I will leave him. All I can do is laugh and tell him that he is stuck with me forever and I mean every word of it.

They will have tough times and bad days, but they can keep their marriage together and be happy. There are many of us here to attest to that. Tell your daughter-in-law about us, tell here to come here to vent, to get advice, or just to let her know that she is not alone.

Stacey

[Varian]

i am sure if the marriage continues the significant other will cheat though.

I hope not but most of the girls i've met would and said they would.

[SCI-Nurse]

That has not been my experience. I know many couples who are very happy and faithful to each other. Most of these one of the two is AB and the other is a PWD, but some both are disabled. You are newly injured, and have less experience in this. Sounds like you are not meeting any nice women. Where are you finding women to date? In bars,etc.? Perhaps try elsewhere?

(KLD)

[olssonan]

Sandy,
keep the faith! I think it's society. My husband isn't even home yet and people talk to me as if I would leave him as soon as he comes back from rehab. I've learned to just ignore the talk. Just because he got into an accident doesn't mean he's a different person.
Maja

[Obieone]

Bill and I will have been married 27 years this Oct. he has been injured 6 years. The thought of leaving him has never entered my mind but I'd be a liar if I didn't say our relationship has changed. We are so much closer in some ways and miles apart on some other issues! The way I look at it is our love for each other is continually evolving and at this moment in time we are in a significantly different phase of that relationship doing the best we can ..... to survive .... I believe we are here to learn and boy are we ever learning http://sci.rutgers.edu/forum/images/smilies/rolleyes.gif !!!!

Obieone http://sci.rutgers.edu/forum/images/smilies/cool.gif
P.S. We have 4 kids and a trunk load of memories to share as well .... puts us in a different place perhaps then someone just newly married and starting out together who has been injured .....

[murrey]

Each marriage will survive on it's own merit. If you truly love the other then I believe you will become stronger.It sure is a test. Love is about forgetting self and living for someone else.
I think people try to make you jealous by trying to make you think your missing something. By sticking it through you become a better person than many.I admire and totally respect anyone regardless of gender for sticking with their spouse throughout their trials,and in the end it is one with each other they become. Just an observation from the outside..The real "Survivors"

[Belle]

We were engaged for two weeks at the time of the accident. I get lots and lots of comments about how heroic I am (???) but nobody has come right out and said I shouldn't or wouldn't stay. We had a committment ceremony in the hospital ICU (we actually bought a marriage license, but our religious counselor suggested we wait).

I think even some of the people who say they would'nt be able to stay with a disabled partner would. It's a fear of the unknown...once you go through it and understand what you are in for better, it is not so scary and not so hard to deal with. A strong family and extended network (like a church family) helps too. Heck, you could always say, we're the 1%!!!

*************
AB wife of T8 complete para

[jada02bear02]

I don't agree with this either. Every marriage takes comittment and work from each other to make it. As long as they love each other and stay strong they will be able to get through it and that is what any marriage takes. With any tragedy that may happen to someone's spouse it helps a great deal to have support and encouragement from family and friends. I speak from experience because my boyfriend has been injured for two years and we were together before his accident and now 2 years later I love him just the same and were looking forward to getting married in the near future. I am very confident our marriage will work.

[RehabRhino]

I truly believe that strong before = strong after.

If you had problems SCI will make them worse.

If you don't let your partner in post injury you are also asking for trouble

[Jeff B]

Loving each other before and after SCI can make sure that you stay together but despite that love there can still be a lot of pain and feelings of loss. For young couples that were living very active lives together pre SCI the limitations that it puts on their relationship and lives can make it tough to stay happy together. This is accentuated when siblings and friends the same age are easily going on with their regular lives around you and you can see what you would be doing (babies, travel, vacations, spontaneity, freedom) if not burdened with paralysis. Love keeps you together but it doesn't prevent you from feeling that the lives you wanted and were planning have been ripped away.

[Chim-Chim]

with your daughter in-law. It will be hard for her at times (IMO). I can remember getting angry and sad with little things, like seeing a man and a woman walking together holding hands. Then seeing an elderly couple, on vacation playing golf together. Their dreams will be different and they will both go through periods of sadness and anger - they need to look forward to the new opportunities ahead of them - and they will find their way! I suggest they work together on a therapy - cure - health plan and become a team with lots of hope. There is so much hope right now - tell her to come to CC to learn about everything there is to know!

Good luck to them.

[walkanotherday]

Very strange numbers. Are there stats on marriages that occur after SCI? Like when an AB marries a SCI say 1-2 year after SCI?

[Tim C.]

...response we expect from you.
Personally, I see the marriage v sci thing a bit more rational. Let's face it, those who claim their marriage is just as 'complete', or 'strong marriage before = strong marriage post' are just not being real. I believe sci can unravel even the strongest of marriages if the grim reaper of sci decides to come calling at the times in your lives as JEFF B refers to. In fact, I think that it's up to the sci spouse to offer the AB spouse a painless out if the situation calls for it. The AB spouse does not want the stigma of being the heartless, abandoning one, and the sci spouse should be sensitive to this.
Conversely, if the sci occurs during a sedentary period of the marriage, or if the partners tend to be rather sedentary themselves, then maybe even a weak marriage can last.
I just don't think the creators of the "for better or worse" had the possibility of sci in mind, it's just too devastating to the AB spouse if the sci level is too burdening. We sci just have to suck it up and realize what havoc we create by just living. We should not begrudge the AB if the AB begins to disengage themself from the new and complicated lifestyle. Afterall, we want the best for each other, so why ruin two lives. Again, I speak of the more difficult sci's. I do believe there are some sci levels that do not suck the life out of the marriage, but everyone has different tolerances for dealing with adversity anyway so no single rule applies for all.

Just my two cents, I offer no apologies, just a reality check.

[mk99]

Being an independent T4 para (5 years post injury), I find it somewhat surprising but the things that strained the marriage before injury are the same things that strain it now. The SCI actually has very little to do with it. It took a while but I guess it's come full circle.

And if there is ever a divorce, we can both honestly agree that my SCI will not even be on the top 3 reasons why my wife & I split up. (which hopefully will not happen)

[Chris Chappell]

Tim C, Mike - agreed on all points.

[starlightangel]

Very strange numbers. Are there stats on marriages that occur after SCI? Like when an AB marries a SCI say 1-2 year after SCI?
according to the research, post-SCI marriages have a much better prognosis. i don't have any hard numbers, tho.

[Jessecj7]

i am sure if the marriage continues the significant other will cheat though.

I hope not but most of the girls i've met would and said they would.

you must hangout with some real winners

[Jesse's Mom]

My Husband, Colin, and I just celebrated our 18th year wedding anniversary--nearly 4 years to the day of my c4/c5 SCI. Our relationship was solid before our car accident, we are even more rock solid now. We are in this together.

Sue


I can tell you that she is right. Rand had a conversation with Colin for awhile during a visit and when we left he told me that he sure loves her a lot.

[Susan M]

Jesse's Mom,

Thank you for posting that. I had no idea.

Susan

[titanium4motion]

Interesting question. One couple came to mind very quickly. Christopher and Dana Reeve. An incredible couple who will be greatly missed by many. That is all that needs to be said.

titanium4motion

[ChopperChick]

my husband and I (husband is T6 complete) keep talking about this. It is natural to think that he will be a burden etc. etc. I told him that as long as he isn't an a---hole and as long as he is kind and good to me, AND..... as long as he maintains a positive atitude, I will be with him forever. We have been together for almost 18 years!! (highschool sweethearts). The same rules still apply... Be nice, be respectful, and don't cheat on me !!

[markm]

To post my two cents, my wife told me she wanted a divorce 3 weeks after I got home from the hospital. We weren't having problems before this. Oh well true colors were revealed.

[ChopperChick]

That is so f---ed up Mark. You will find someone better.... She did you a favor but leaving you. You deserve someone better.

[paramoto]

To post my two cents, my wife told me she wanted a divorce 3 weeks after I got home from the hospital. We weren't having problems before this. Oh well true colors were revealed.

You are better off without her Mark. In time someone else will come along.

[paramoto]

I have had someone to day tell me that 99% of marriages break up after one spouse receives a sci. What is your input into this. I don't agree. My son is 28 and is a C1-2 as of last April 17th and I believe his and his wife's faith and our strong family and church family is a great asset that will make all the differnce. Sandyhttp://sci.rutgers.edu/forum/images/smilies/smile.gif

This August I will be married 17 years to my wife. 2 years 7 months post injury.

[etexley]

I kind of learned the hard way on this one....Runners' World Magazine isn't a good birthday gift for your partner. My ex girlfriend just didn't take it the way I intended, you know?

[RehabRhino]

To post my two cents, my wife told me she wanted a divorce 3 weeks after I got home from the hospital. We weren't having problems before this. Oh well true colors were revealed.

Mine lasted 5 months out of hospital.

[anty]

We were married for 11 years 2 kids and he stood by me for 1 year after my sci. We are now getting a divorce its been 3 yrs since i kicked him out for lying and cheating. Wanted me back after his girlfriend kicked him out.:nono: NO WAY I SAID. Now i met a wonderful guy and never been happier. Things happen for a reason i say. :) anty

[christopher]

18 months here! I got y'all beat!

[MattGimpin]

Murrey that's a tight avatar, I have a pic like that too. Also, Tim C. your avatar is perfect lol.

Anyway I think you have all said all there is to say so I'll just add my own experience.

I have been injured for three years now, and while not married, I have been with the same girl for six-and-a-half years. Almost half of our relationship now has included dealing with SCI. It is possible to continue the relationship despite the statistics. Hell, statistics for marriages in general aren't very good either.

It all depends on the individual relationship; if your love is strong enough and if you both want to make it work it will. Good luck!

[Riz]

This Tuesday is the 7th anniversary of my SCI. The last 7 years have not been easy on my wife, she not only cares for me but also has an 85 year old mom that she helps also. On top of this she went through, and thank god survived ovarian cancer 3 yeras ago. We have always had a rock solid marriege and the past 7 years has made us stronger. This past February we celebrated our 36th anniversary.

I have also seen two young couples split within the the first 6 months of their injury and another couple who had been married for 15 years with 2 kids divorce after one year of his injury.

I thank god everyday for my wife and family.

Riz
C-5 incomplete

[Jadis]

Congrats, Riz!!

I agree, as we are in the middle of a high-stress roller coaster ride. my wc ended up after a string of "one thing after another" that lasted for about 5 years so far. My second accident happened, when I was released to go back to work part time, our hours were cut. Then I got laid off, our landlord decided to sell the house we were renting...then we moved in with my inlaws bc we couldn't find an accessible place to live in 30 days. Then my husband got laid off. It was supposed to be "to help you kids out" but once we got there, we saw how much they were really struggling to keep on top of everything. Within 2 months of moving in here, Dad's health hit bottom. He was in the local hospital from Sept-Dec. In Jan he ended up in Seattle. (The company my husband worked for filed for bankruptcy and laid everyone off and stiffed the county for about $20K-30K. The employees are still owed pay, but won't see it til the county gets their money back--if they ever do.) It was major surgeries with my father in law that lasted over two years--two of which involved life flight to seattle from montana. Once we got him back on his feet (never fully recovered), mom started having problems and ended up having 4 major surgeries (including CABGx5). She now has a scar that runs from behind her ears (both sides, meets at the base of her throat, and runs down her trunk, down the left leg to her ankle. She jokes that over 2004-05 she was literally split open like a fish. So far in 2006, Dad's memory loss is becoming more pronounced. I think he has Alzheimers, but he won't listen to anyone. We all see it. Mom says he's off in the head somewhere. She fell and broke her arm in three pieces then fell again and did something to her knee. She was in a wc for a month, and discovered what I've been telling her all along. Now she understands why my chair stays in the garage and I stay in my room. She's has been in and out of physical therapy for the last 4 months.

Anytime we mentioned moving out, mom panicked. It was understood that we would stay until I graduated. I wasn't able to find work after the layoffs, so I went back to school. Well, I graduate in less than two weeks. We are now resigned to the fact that we are never moving out. Our house doesn't work for two elderly people and a wc person. It needs a lot of work done for upkeep in addition to mods for me. The amount of work bypasses the value of the house. We just need to build a new one. Now that I'm finally working again after three years, we can start saving for that build.

Through everything, we tried to lean on each other. I think that helped us stay together and become stronger as a couple. Riz, situations like ours - minus the SCI - split couples up everyday. I think the fact that we still have our families intact is a testament to the quality of the relationship.

[par82]

hi can anyone give me advice i might be getting married next year to my bf he has a hump on his back and is a bit weak and i have spina bifida can anyone help and give me advice how can make our marriage work if we do marry i love him a lot

[Deeb]

Ok, just adding personal experience in. My hubby has dealt with his SCI for the last 2 1/2 years, and despite anything, we still have a strong marriage. It just all varies on your marriage and how strong and compatable you are with your loved one.

[kittim]

...In fact, I think that it's up to the sci spouse to offer the AB spouse a painless out if the situation calls for it. The AB spouse does not want the stigma of being the heartless, abandoning one, and the sci spouse should be sensitive to this.
Conversely, if the sci occurs during a sedentary period of the marriage, or if the partners tend to be rather sedentary themselves, then maybe even a weak marriage can last.

As the AB wife of a C3/4 incomplete, I have to throw my 2 cents in here, even though I am late in responding to this thread. My husband has talked about getting divorced for my sake. On one hand I think it is great that he cares enough to let me try to find a new life, on the other hand it should be a mutual agreement. Although I have thought over the last 3 years what it would be like to not have the burden of SCI as part of my life, it isn't so easy to just walk away from the man I married 22 years ago. We are older and not as active as we once were, but it has still been devastating and very hard on our relationship. I find him pulling away as he just isn't quite to the point of accepting his limitations, he is still working to recover and that is really all he sees. This is particularly hard on me as it feels as though I am not even on his priority radar. He is still very angry and feels his life is over. But Im not willing to give up yet. And I really don't want to start life all over, or be alone. I love my husband, even though he is a pain in the ass sometimes. We are spending some time apart right now as he in participating in a clinical trial for 11 weeks. I think he is happier alone... he has his routine... he is big on routines. But I am not happier... I am just lonely and I miss him. Sure I miss the life we had before his injury... and I am more free in some respects without him here, but it is just not the same without him, even though it is temporary. I have a big fear that he will come home after all this and decide to leave me. For me that would be just another big loss... akin to the loss we have already suffered. I don't know what the future holds... I'm just trying to take it a day at a time.