View Full Version : Have to have a secret affair ...
06-19-2004, 10:20 AM
with my former sister-in-law, or my brother will freak out.
Divorce sucks. Bad enough going through my own, but when my brother and his wife split in 1999, it was uber ugly. Both did stupid things, and she and I screamed, cried and then parted ways and didn't speak for almost two years.
But then you realize it's the kids who're getting hurt. Time heals a lot, at least as far as I'm concerned. I love my brother, but I also know that cutting off his ex is in some ways cutting off my nephew and niece.
Anyway, we're friends again, love each other very much, as close as sisters in many ways. We talk about being single mothers, dating, men, sex, details, details, details that couldn't share with others. However, my brother totally freaks out, accuses me of betraying him etc. Having been through a bad divorce, I can see where he's coming from, but he doesn't seem to see that a) we have to move on, get over some things and b) it's better for the children when we're all getting along.
Anyone else have this situation? Divorce seems to have hit every family I know of. I can't be the only one.
06-19-2004, 10:36 AM
Oh wow, I can relate.
My sister and her husband divorced early last year but my problem lies in that we loved her husband! My kids adored uncle "Bubba" (yes we're in the south!)
They had no children, but we still kept contact with him throughout last year even getting him a b-day and Christmas gift. She was furious with me. We didn't actively seek him out, but I couldn't hang up on him when he called.
He came over one day a while back to see my boys and I didn't tell my sister.....well several weeks after, my 9 yr old told her at a family dinner and she didn't speak to me for a month!!!!
You're right though....divorce affects everyone and my sister could'nt see past her own hurt to see that it affected my kids.
06-19-2004, 11:34 AM
One of my best friends is my brother's ex. It took him a while, but he finally got over it. I could never divorce Jill.
They had no kids though. When my parents split, Dad told his sibs that if they didn't speak to Mom she'd have to come back. Apparently he forgot he was married to the most stubborn woman on the planet. One of his bros refused to comply; Dad didn't speak to him for years. It was really painful. But man, I loved that uncle. It always felt like my other aunts and uncles abandoned us...one more thing for an adolescent to lose. Don't do it to your kids, please. Even as an adult, that's a painful memory.
C5/6 incomplete, injured Aug. 2000
06-20-2004, 06:42 PM
A little different for me. When I divorced, I was great friends with my mother-in-law. The rest of the family was not close, and we had no kids.
Now, 20 years later, she and I are still friends, exchange Christmas cards, and have dinner with each other when we visit each other's town. We agree years ago that we had so much in common we could visit about and be friends over without ever talking about my ex, and this is how we keep it. I vowed that he would not take this friend away from me in addition to the marriage, and I was right. It can be done...with effort on both parties part.
06-21-2004, 08:00 AM
I remember one christmas at my grandparents (dads side) house. It was me and my two sisters, my mom and her husband #2, my dad and his wife #2, their two kids.
06-24-2004, 07:02 AM
Martha I agree with everyone here that it really shouldn't be a matter of taking sides. She was part of your family, still is the way I see it. As the mother of your neice and nephew she is and always will be a member of your family. To cut her off because she and your brother couldn't work out their marriage would be robbing both yourself, your kids and hers of having a complete family and I know, that stinks!
The only thing I disagree with is that I think you should be honest with your brother. It may take him some time to understand and come to his senses but that is his problem. Just my two cents worth.
06-24-2004, 06:38 PM
Well, you are right martha that the worst part of divorces is the fact that children suffer.
When I married my husband I gained two mother-in-laws and two father-in-laws. Fortunately, my hubby and his sister get along with either set, but prior hubby's accident the two sets preferred not to talk to each other. When we had family gatherings they would try to avoid each other as much as possible. Then when hubby got hurt they started to talk and agreed they have to hold together and be strong for Bobby. They have been a great help, they talk and organize things together (x-mas parties, b-day parties, etc.). I was very pleased to see recently (Easter time at our house) that before both of my m-i-ls left the house, there was a nice and sincere hug between the two of them. When there is something needed done in our house that's the guys' job, there is two f-i-ls trying to fix things or more likely moving my furniture around (we were emtying one room for the nursery). I consider ourselves lucky ones. I just wish some other people would get over things and realize that it's their children or grandchildren suffering the most.