View Full Version : Jokes & Cartoons
01-31-2004, 09:58 AM
The Pope had just finished a tour of the Florida East Coast and was taking a limousine to the airport.
Having never driven a limo, he asked the chauffeur if he could drive for a while.
Well, the chauffeur didn't have much of a choice, so he got in the back of the limo and the Pope took the wheel. He turned onto I-95 and accelerated to about 90 MPH.
WHAM! The blue lights of the State Highway Patrol flashed in his rearview mirror. He pulled over and a trooper came to his window. When the trooper saw who it was, he said, "Just a moment, please. I need to call in."
The trooper radioed in and asked for the chief.
Trooper: "I have a REALLY important person pulled over and I need to know what to do."
Chief: "Who is it, not Ted Kennedy again?"
Trooper: "No, even more important."
Chief: "It isn't the Governor Jeb Bush is it?".
Trooper: "No, even more important!"
Chief: "It isn't the President George Bush, is it?"
Trooper: "No, even more important."
Chief: "Well, WHO the HECK is it?"
Trooper: "I don't know for sure but I think it might be Jesus. His chauffeur is the Pope."
01-31-2004, 09:58 AM
Getting into Heaven
"If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven?" I asked the children in my Sunday School class.
"NO!" the children all answered.
"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?"
Again, the answer was, "NO!"
"Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my wife, would that get me into Heaven?"
I asked them again. Again, they all answered, "NO!"
"Well", I continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?"
A five-year-old boy shouted out, "YOU GOTTA BE DEAD"
01-31-2004, 10:04 AM
A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous. The two were always getting into trouble and their parents could be assured that if any mischief occurred in their town their two young sons were in some way involved. The parents were at their wits end as to what to do about their sons' behavior.
The mother had heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children in the past, so she asked her husband if he thought they should send the boys to speak with the clergyman.
The husband said, "We might as well. We need to do something before I really lose my temper!"
The clergyman agreed to speak with the boys, but asked to see them individually. The 8-year-old went to meet with him first. The clergyman sat the boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?"
The boy made no response, so the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?"
Again the boy made no attempt to answer, so the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face, "WHERE IS GOD?"
At that the boy bolted from the room and ran directly home slamming himself in his closet. His older brother followed him into the closet and said, "What happened?"
The younger brother replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time. God is missing and they think we did it!"
02-01-2004, 05:04 PM
Two boys are looking for the Easter bunny,than one found him while the bunny was pooping and the boy say's... '' Not only did we find the Easter bunny,we caught him while he's making chocolate Easter eggs!!'' http://sci.rutgers.edu/forum/images/smilies/wink.gif
02-05-2004, 01:29 PM
How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?
> > Unique Up On It.
> > How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?
> > Tame Way, Unique Up On It.
> > What Do Eskimos Get from Sitting On The Ice too Long?
> > Polaroids
> > What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?
> > A Stick.
> > What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
> > Nacho Cheese.
> > What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
> > Subordinate Clauses.
> > What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?
> > Quattro Sinko.
> > What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?
> > Spoiled Milk.
> > What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?
> > Frostbite.
> > What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
> > A Nervous Wreck.
> > What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?
> > Anyone Can Roast Beef.
> > Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?
> > Right Where You Left Him.
> > Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
> > Because They Have Big Fingers.
C5/6 incomplete, injured Aug. 2000
02-09-2004, 11:56 AM
WHAT DID THE FISH SAY WHEN HE RAN INTO THE WALL?
02-16-2004, 02:30 PM
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone
rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him,
"Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the
wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!" "Heck," said
Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"
[This message was edited by Rick C on 02-16-04 at 06:06 PM.]
[This message was edited by Betheny on 02-17-04 at 12:08 AM.]
02-16-2004, 03:05 PM
An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her
car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her
situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the
steeringwheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she
cried. The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way."
A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard." He
says. "She got in the back-seat by mistake."
02-26-2004, 04:59 PM
What do you get when you cross a lemon pie with a primate?
A meringueotang! http://sci.rutgers.edu/forum/images/smilies/biggrin.gif
If we have no peace, it is because we have forgotten that we belong to each other. - Mother Teresa
03-05-2004, 12:45 PM
After the christening of his baby brother in church,
Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car.
His father asked him three times what was wrong.
Finally, the boy replied,
"That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I wanted to stay with you guys."
03-16-2004, 08:13 PM
Boudreaux and his wife Clothilde lived on a little farm outside Mamou. One day Clothilde said, "Mais, Boudreaux, you have to get rid of dat dog. All he does is lie under the front porch and turn over da trash cans."
Boudreaux said, "Okay, Cher. I'll get rid of him." He put him in the pickup, drove down the road a couple of miles and dumped him out. He drove home, and in a few minutes, the dog showed up. So he put him back in the truck, drove several more miles and dumped him out. After getting back home, the dog showed up again.
Clothilde said, "You have to take him out and drive around and around a lot in circles and den dump him out. Dat way, he won't know da way home."
Boudreaux said, "You some kinda smart, Clothilde, and dat's why I married you."
Boudreaux took the dog, drove all around, zigzagged a lot and then dumped the dog out. He started back home, but then stopped, and called Clothilde on his cell phone.
"Has dat dog come back yet?"
Clothilde answered, "Mais yeah, he just showed up."
Boudreaux said, "Well, put him up to da phone . . . I'm lost."